St. Paddy’s Day Disaster (Single Wide Female)

by Lillianna Blake

  “Listen, if you want to make an impression on this date of yours, you’re going to need to know how to fold clothes.”

  I spent the next twenty minutes giving him a lesson on how to properly fold one’s clothes—really, I thought it was very charitable of me, considering how clueless he seemed. By the time he stumbled out to the car with his huge basket of laundry, it was nearly five o’clock.

  I rushed around the laundromat closing up and hoping that the costume shop would still be open. If it wasn’t, I might not have anything to wear the next day.

  After locking up, I ran down the sidewalk. Although many people run and jog for exercise, they don’t usually do so in jeans and boots. I ran as fast as I could—which of course involved swinging my arms wildly to get me moving even faster.

  As I turned the corner near the shop, I was nearly entangled in a gaggle of Girl Scouts. And where there are Girl Scouts, there are Girl Scout cookies.

  “Would you like to buy some cookies?” one of the young girls asked.

  “No thank you. I have to get past.”

  “Just one box,” a smaller girl pleaded.

  Now normally I would hunt down a Girl Scout for a box of thin mints, but this was not the time.

  “I really have to go.”

  “Please!” they both began begging.

  Never in my life have I considered shoving a small child, but in this moment it did cross my mind.

  “Fine, give me a box.”

  I rummaged in my purse for the money to pay for it. As I did, everything that was inside my purse tumbled out and onto the sidewalk. Since Girl Scouts are so helpful, they were quite eager to help me gather what I’d dropped. The only problem was that they were getting in each other’s way and they were getting in my way.

  “Please! I have to go! Just take the money.”

  I shoved what I could back into my purse and then edged around them.

  “Wait! Your cookies!” the smaller girl said.

  “Toss them here.”

  I turned back to catch them in the same moment that she tossed them toward me. The box of thin mints smacked me right in the nose. I groaned as I snatched them up off the ground. I ignored the pain in my nose and began sprinting toward the shop again. Just as I reached it the owner was stepping out to lock up.

  “Wait! I’m here!” My words came out in a gasp as I tried to catch my breath.

  “I’m sorry. I’m already closed. It’s almost six.”

  “I know. I’m so sorry. It was banana peels in socks, and tuna sandwiches, and boxers on my head, and then the Girl Scouts!”

  She stared at me with disbelief. “Okay.”

  “Please, just please can I have my costume?” Begging had worked for the Girl Scouts, so I was hoping that it would work for me too.

  “Are those thin mints?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Give me the cookies, I’ll give you the costume.”

  That seemed fair enough to me, since I was pretty sure I had tossed a twenty at the Girl Scouts for a five-dollar box of cookies.

  “They’re all yours.” I handed over the cookies. She took the box and then opened the door to the shop. She reached in and grabbed a bag.

  “I had it ready for you.” She handed me the bag. “Thirty dollars.”

  I grimaced and wondered if I even had thirty dollars left after dumping my purse. I carefully rifled through it until I found enough. Then I handed her the money.

  “Thank you so much. I appreciate you having it ready for me.”

  “I just hope that you like it.” She smiled. There was something devilish in that smile. “Have fun!”

  As I watched her walk off down the sidewalk with the thin mints in her hand, I wondered just what kind of costume she had made me.

  As soon as I got home I wanted to try on the outfit. I was a little nervous about paying for it without trying it on. I pulled it out of the bag to take a look. Right away I was a little uneasy. There was a lot less of it than I expected there to be. In fact, I wasn’t sure if there would be enough material to even cover me.

  Hesitantly I looked it over. The sparkling green suit jacket had had the arms cut off. The arms had been turned into cuffs at the ends of the gold leggings, which looked only long enough to cover my thighs. The lapels of the suit jacket had been turned into a top, if I could even call it that. It tied behind my neck, and the material looked like it would be just wide enough to cover my breasts. Along the midsection was the remainder of the gold leggings and the sparkling belt. The only saving grace was the four-leaf clover shawl which would drape over my shoulders and conceal what this outfit did not. The shawl itself had been laced with sequins to make it more attention-grabbing.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t like the outfit—I thought it was cute and creative. I just wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to fit into it. There was only one way to find out for sure.

  I began shedding my clothes to try it on. It was a bit of a struggle to figure out what went where, but when I finally had it on, I was surprised that it was quite comfortable. I began to walk back toward my bedroom to take a look in the mirror, when there was a knock on the door. I remembered I was supposed to meet Max for a pre-St. Paddy’s Day drink. My whole day had run so far behind that I’d forgotten about it.

  “Come in, Max.” I called out as I headed to my bedroom.

  I would just change in my room and then join him. However, after I heard the front door knob turning, I found the doorknob to my bedroom was not budging. I must have accidentally pushed the button lock on it when I was rushing out the door that morning to get to the laundromat. No wonder it had been hard to tug closed. I wiggled it harder just as the front door was opening.

  “Max—wait, don’t come in!”

  Chapter 5

  It was too late. Max was already standing inside the door with one of those impossible smiles on his lips.

  “Is that what you’re wearing tonight?” he asked.

  “No! I was going to change, but I can’t get my door open and—”

  “You look great.” He walked toward me.

  I could feel his gaze roaming my mostly exposed body. He offered a low whistle of appreciation. “Why aren’t you wearing it tonight?”

  “It’s for tomorrow. I had to try it on. My whole day has been a mess.”

  “Well, this isn’t a mess. Are you sure you’d rather wear it tomorrow for some mystery date instead of out tonight with me?” He offered me a wide smile.

  I appreciated the compliment, especially since I hadn’t even looked in the mirror. I was fairly certain that I looked more than a little ridiculous.

  “I’m changing.”

  “But there’s nothing out here for you to wear. Your door is locked.”

  “An easy fix.” I walked over to the kitchen and pulled out a butter knife. Then I walked back to my bedroom and fiddled with the lock until it popped open. “Voila!”

  “Now I know how to break into your bedroom.” Max said with a devious snicker.

  I almost pointed out that he would never have to break in—that he had an open invitation—but I managed to keep my mouth shut.

  I stepped into my room, closed the door, and walked toward my closet to change. As I passed by the mirror, I caught the first sight of myself in the costume. It was a little startling at first. As I studied my reflection, I found myself thinking that I didn’t look too bad. I liked the way that the outfit shaped my body and the pop of the colors that she’d used. The only question remained—would Blue like it too?

  I changed quickly into jeans and a t-shirt. I felt more like myself as I stepped out of my room, noticing Max with his head in my refrigerator.

  When he extricated himself he said, “You seriously have nothing good to eat in this place.”

  “Apples, celery, chicken—that’s all good to eat.” I grabbed my purse.

  “Maybe if I were a rabbit,” Max complained.

  “Rabbits don’t eat chicken.”

&
nbsp; “Maybe they would if they weren’t so full of apples and celery.”

  “Do rabbits eat apples?” I asked.

  We walked toward the door as Max considered it.

  “I can’t believe they eat just carrots. I mean, is there any animal that only eats one thing?”

  “Yes. A Max. And it’s pizza.”

  “Pizza sounds perfect!” He grinned. “Thanks for the offer.”

  I laughed as I pulled the door closed behind us.

  At the pizza place there was a lot of chatter about the festivities around the city the next day.

  “So, you’re going to be at the big parade?” I plucked a pepperoni off my pizza and set it aside.

  “Yes, I think so. I’m not sure, to be honest. Maria always makes the plans.”

  “Ah, you’re becoming a kept man.” I smiled. “Sounds like a good gig.”

  “It’s alright.” He took a big bite of his slice of pizza. “I’m looking forward to spending some time with her. She’s a really sweet person.”

  “Uh oh.”

  ‘What?”

  “The sweet person title.”

  “What about it?” Max eyed me across the table.

  “Whenever you start calling one of your girlfriends a really sweet person, it’s a foreshadowing of a break-up to come.” I shook my head and took a few bites of my pizza.

  “First of all, she’s not my girlfriend. We’re just dating. Secondly, that is so not true.”

  “It is totally true. I’ve been through quite a few of these with you, you know.”

  “I like Maria.”

  “I like her too. She sounds like a fun, intelligent, mature woman. A logical choice for a girlfriend.” I met his eyes over our slices of pizza. “Which is exactly why you don’t want to date her.”

  “Don’t even start with me, Ms. Secret Date. Who is this guy you’re meeting tomorrow?”

  “It’s not even definite. He may be there, he may not be there.”

  “Well, if he doesn’t show up, then he’s a fool.” Max finished his beer.

  I finished my pizza and then took a sip of my beer.

  “Either way I’m going to have fun. Really, that’s what it’s about, right? I shouldn’t need a date to have a good time.”

  “That’s very true. I find I have some of my best times when I don’t have a date.” Max’s voice sounded wistful.

  “Well, you do have a date, mister—with a lovely girl named Maria. So you better be nice to her.”

  “I will.” He frowned.

  “No breaking up on holidays. It’s a rule.” I gave him a look of warning.

  “It’s not even really a holiday.”

  “St. Patrick would beg to differ.” I laughed. “Let me know how it goes tomorrow.”

  “I will. You too. And remember, text me if you get tipsy.”

  “I’ll be fine!”

  After Max dropped me off at the apartment, I was feeling pretty positive about the next day. Max and I had shared an amazing evening together as friends—I almost had convinced myself that it was all we’d ever be, even though my heart often told me otherwise—and I had a potential romance ready to bloom.

  Chapter 6

  I woke up the next morning ready to enjoy my day with Blue. I knew that I might be setting myself up for some disappointment, as it wasn’t as if he’d promised to be there or anything. I just really hoped that he would be.

  I made some toast and tried to distract myself with TV footage of the parades that were happening across the city. I wondered if I might be able to spot Max in the crowd.

  Once I finished breakfast I knew that I wouldn’t be able to wait much longer. I logged into my blog just to see if he had sent any new messages. There was no new message, which I told myself was good news. That meant he still planned to spend his day at O’Malley’s. I checked a few more times before I began to get ready for the party at the bar.

  Getting the outfit on again was a bit more of a struggle than it had been the first time. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was more self-conscious or if it was because I’d eaten too much breakfast. Either way, I had to tuck and tug a lot more than I would have liked. The end result was exactly what I’d hoped for, however.

  I grabbed my coat to cover myself up while driving to the bar. I couldn’t even imagine explaining myself to a police officer if I was pulled over in the outfit.

  As I drove to the bar, I rehearsed in my mind exactly the way I would say hello to Blue. It needed to be sexy, but not so sexy that he knew I was trying to be sexy. It had to be smoky, but not so smoky that it sounded like I had just smoked a carton of cigarettes.

  “Hello, Blue,” I said while gazing into the rearview mirror. “Oh, Blue. I wasn’t sure if you’d be here—Blue, it’s good to see you—Blue, right?”

  I shook my head and looked away from the mirror. I was kicking myself for not finding out what his actual name was. I was fairly certain that it wasn’t Blue.

  I parked outside the bar. I’d prepared myself for the possibility that Blue wouldn’t be there, and I was determined to still have as much fun as I could anyway.

  I stepped into the bar, expecting to be greeted by people in costume. Instead, what I found was a large crowd of people wearing green, for sure, but just green t-shirts, green hats, or green scarves. No one had on an elaborate costume like mine. I suddenly realized that I might have misunderstood what Blue had said in the invitation.

  Had he meant dress up in green for St. Paddy’s Day or dress up in costume? I was frozen by the stares of all of the people in the bar. Not only was all of the attention directed at me because of my costume, I also had stopped right in the doorway, which meant that I was letting in all of the sunlight from outside—essentially giving myself a spotlight.

  “Close the door!” someone shouted.

  I stepped away from the door, without noticing the small step down. My foot slid over the edge of the step and I stumbled right into a table full of college boys.

  “Oh—oops, excuse me.”

  I tried to straighten up.

  “Here’s a free seat.” One of them hooted as he tried to guide my stumbling self into his lap.

  “No, thanks.” I twirled away from him before he could get hold of me.

  I was embarrassed, dizzy, and very confused. Worse than that, I didn’t see anyone in the bar who might be Blue. Then again, I had no idea who Blue was, other than he had beautiful blue eyes.

  With many people still focusing their attention on me, I made my way to the bar. I did my best to recover some of my dignity. I smiled at the bartender, whose only green was a headband with four-leaf clovers on it.

  “Nice.” The bartender said. “I can’t remember the last time someone put this much effort into St. Patrick’s Day.”

  “I think I might have misunderstood what was happening here today.” I frowned as I glanced down at the bar. He placed a large green beer in front of me.

  “Don’t worry about it. With the way you’re dressed, I’m sure you’ll have a lucky day.”

  I managed a smile. My smile widened at the sight of the green beer. Normally, I preferred wine, but there was something about green beer that just seemed to make it taste better. I took a sip and tried to ignore the quick looks I was getting from the people around me. My cheeks were burning—I knew I had to blushing furiously.

  So things had gotten off to a rough start. That didn’t mean that I couldn’t still have the best St. Paddy’s Day ever.

  I tried to focus on my excitement on meeting Blue. But that only led me to wonder where he was exactly. Then a horrifying thought occurred to me. What if he was already there? What if he had been so embarrassed by how I was dressed that he decided to pretend he didn’t see me? I watched as a few customers walked out of the bar. I wondered if he was one of them.

  “Another?” The bartender gestured to my empty glass.

  “Yes, please!”

  Chapter 7

  As the bartender filled my glass, I looked aroun
d the bar again. The truth was, I had no idea who I was looking for. I had no idea if Blue was tall or short, skinny or pudgy. I had no idea if he was even my age, younger, or much older. The more I thought about it, the sillier I felt for even being at the bar.

  “Here you go.”

  The bartender set my drink down in front of me. I sighed and picked it up. I would finish it and then head home. It was clear that the whole idea had been ridiculous in the first place.

  As my mind spiraled through all of the doubts I had about myself, I felt my fabulous St. Paddy’s Day slipping away from me.

  My mind shifted to Max and the parade he was likely enduring. Maybe that would be a better way to spend my time than sitting alone at a bar with people whispering about what they could see under my four-leaf clovers.

  Just as I was about to get up to leave, the door to the bar swung open. Illuminated by the sunlight filtering in from behind him, a man dressed as a leprechaun stepped inside. His face was hidden by a golden mask and goofy oversized green sunglasses. He wore a top hat that was at least a foot tall.

  I smiled. I was sure that this had to be Blue, since he was dressed as crazily as I was. It was just another sign from the universe that he was someone I needed to get to know. I started to stand up.

  “Top o’ the mornin’!” he said. He walked straight toward me with a big smile on his full lips.

  I briefly considered what it would be like to kiss him, but pushed the thought out of my mind. We were just friends, I reminded myself—nothing more just yet.

  By the time he reached me, I was laughing.

  “Well, aren’t you a beautiful thing, lass. Can I buy you a drink?” He leaned close to me and I got a whiff of his woodsy cologne. It was a delicious scent—or maybe it was just him that was so delicious.

  “Absolutely. It’s so good to finally meet a leprechaun like yourself.”

  “I knew when I followed that rainbow I would end up with my pot of gold.” He smiled slyly and settled on the bar stool beside me.

  I giggled. He was more flirtatious than I’d expected.