St. Paddy’s Day Disaster (Single Wide Female)

by Lillianna Blake

“I’m glad you came.”

  “Well, would I miss a sight like you?” he asked. He gestured to the bartender to refill my drink.

  I was giddy with excitement as he turned to look at me. I still couldn’t tell much about him since his mask was covering half his face, but that actually made things a little more fun. He was keeping up the charade, and I liked that about him. I wanted to be with someone who knew how to have fun with life.

  The bartender placed a drink down in front of me and in front of the leprechaun beside me. He laughed, I laughed, and we clinked glasses. It was one of those moments that had to go on the list of top moments of all times for me. The best part was, I felt as if I already knew him. I didn’t feel like I had to be someone else. After all, Blue had been reading all of the intimate details about my life on my blog since I’d started writing it.

  “I must be having the best luck today,” he said.

  I tried to peer past his sunglasses to see those beautiful blue eyes but they were too tinted for me to see clearly.

  “Me too. I was really looking forward to today. I have to say I was a little nervous, but now I’m so glad we can enjoy each other’s company.”

  “Oh, we’re going to do more than enjoy it. We’re going to have the best day ever!” He waved his hand to the DJ. “Crank it up! We must dance!”

  I was a little taken back by that, as the bar was not exactly set up for dancing. But that didn’t stop Blue. He was already pushing tables and chairs out of the way so that we would have plenty of room to dance. A few of the customers grumbled but Blue didn’t seem to notice. He turned his focus right back on me.

  “My lady.” He held out his hand to me.

  I hesitated at first. I didn’t like to make a spectacle of myself—most of the time. But this was Blue. This was my chance to be with a man who I’d been dreaming about for months. I didn’t want to disappoint him.

  I placed my hand in his and he whipped me right off of the barstool and into his arms. The green beer sloshed a bit in my stomach and I was dizzy from the sudden spin. Before I could protest, he had me gliding across the middle of the barroom.

  The people around us cheered and laughed as we danced. He seemed to know all of the words to the song and sang them at the top of his lungs. I laughed harder than I had in a long time. He was far more over-the-top than I’d expected, but I was loving every minute of it.

  So what if people were staring? So what if they were laughing at us and not with us? We were having fun!

  At least we were until I bumped into one of the waitresses carrying drinks to a crowded table.

  Chapter 8

  The clanging of the glasses made me gasp. Blue caught the edge of the tray before it could tip all the way over. Not a drop of alcohol was spilled. The crowd erupted in cheers.

  “You really are a leprechaun.” I laughed. “You have the luck of one, anyway.”

  “I knew that the moment I laid eyes on you, lass.” He pulled me closer than we had been so far. I could feel his body pressed against mine, and the sudden affection I felt for him made me gulp with surprise. He was certainly pushing my boundaries—quite a few of them—and a little faster than I was comfortable with.

  “How about another drink?” I asked.

  “Good idea.” He whisked me back over to the bar.

  My mind crackled with all kinds of thoughts. Would this date with Blue lead to something more? Was I getting too drunk? Did those people that kept laughing at me have a reason or was I being hypersensitive?

  “Drinks!” He smacked his hand hard on the top of the bar.

  The cracking sound made me jump. I thought it was a little rude. But the bartender only smiled patiently and delivered us both drinks.

  “Actually, you know what we need, my gorgeous girl?”

  “What?” I couldn’t stop smiling.

  “Shots!”

  “Shots!” Someone else shouted. Then several people began to chant the word.

  I hadn’t done shots since college. I wasn’t sure that I had the stamina for them anymore.

  “Two?” the bartender asked. He placed two shot glasses on the top of the bar.

  “No, body shots.” Blue smiled at me.

  “Body shots? I don’t know.” I shook my head.

  “Don’t you trust me?”

  He sounded slightly hurt.

  “I’ll do shots, but no body shots.” I shook my head.

  It was a bit much to think of someone sucking something off my skin in the middle of such a crowd of people.

  Blue relented and we plowed through two shots apiece. By the time I set down the last glass everything was a blur. I realized I’d left “a liitle tipsy” far behind, but I was having a great time. Blue was making me laugh more than I had in a long time.

  “Look at you.” Blue stared at me for a long moment.

  “What?” I asked.

  I wondered if something had come out of place on my costume.

  “You’re beautiful. You know that? Like a beautiful St. Paddy’s Day miracle.”

  I laughed and shook my head. “You’re drunk!”

  “I’m serious.” He grabbed my hand and drew it to his lips.

  His kiss was sloppy and left some green dye behind from the shots, but it was still heartwarming.

  “Thank you.” I smiled at him.

  A lively Irish tune began to play. The leprechaun grabbed my hand and pulled me off the barstool. I was a little off balance and fell right into his arms.

  “Oh no, sorry! I’m so clumsy.” I started to pull away from him.

  “Lovely—just where I wanted you.”

  I tried to straighten up, as I could tell my costume was getting a little out of place, but he held me tight.

  “Oh, you’re being so silly.” I laughed. “I’m so glad we got together.”

  “So am I. So glad in fact that we must jig!”

  “We must what?” I asked.

  I tried to focus on him. As my vision swayed back and forth I realized that I’d lost track of how many green beers I had consumed. That was not normal for me. I always stayed on top of my alcohol if I was out. Being with Blue had left me a little too daring.

  “Jig!” he said.

  Suddenly he jumped up on top of one of the empty tables he had pushed aside.

  “Wait a minute!” The bartender started to walk out from behind the bar. “You can’t dance up there!”

  “No, please, we’ll pay extra,” one of the customers called out.

  I didn’t even care that my St. Patrick’s Day date had turned into live action entertainment for the other patrons. I was having a fantastic time with Blue, even if he was a little wilder than I’d expected.

  “Let’s go, Lady Luck.” Blue reached his hand out to me. “Let’s see just how much you love St. Paddy’s Day.”

  I stared up at those kissable lips and tried to get my head to stop spinning.

  There are certain things that seem like really bad ideas. My getting on top of that table, while a little too tipsy, seemed like a really bad idea.

  But there are also certain things that seem like really good ideas—like being in a relationship with a man who was so happy to be with me that he wanted to dance on a table. I knew that if I turned him down, I’d be the old Sammy.

  I’d be the Sammy that wanted to be different, but not too different. This was my chance to prove that I could do and be anything I wanted—with pride.

  I took his hand and tried to climb onto the table with him. Every time I put my foot up, it slipped off and my costume shifted. My slippery dress shoes weren’t working. I tossed them aside.

  “You have to wear shoes in here!”

  I could hear the bartender warning me, but I ignored him.

  Someone threw a pile of green popcorn at him.

  “Let them dance!” a slurred voice said.

  Chapter 9

  The DJ turned the music up. Before I knew it, I was swept up into a fast jig that had me pounding my feet against the tab
le and shouting right along with Blue. I was laughing so hard between shouts that I could barely keep my footing. At some point I thought I heard a strange ripping sound, but the music was so loud, I couldn’t be sure. Blue wasn’t much steadier on his feet as he danced, and soon the table began to tip.

  “Watch out!” someone shouted.

  I didn’t even realize what was happening until the ceiling came into view. Just as I was about to hit the floor, the group of college kids jumped up and laced arms. They formed a net to catch me.

  Rather than being embarrassed or even frightened, I could not stop laughing. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had actually picked me up in their arms. I looked up at the faces of the young men who’d caught me and saw the amusement in their eyes. But for once, I didn’t feel like they were laughing at me. I felt like they were having fun with me.

  “Thank you!” I laughed as I looked up at them.

  Once I was back on my feet I felt an arm slide around my waist.

  “Maybe we should take a breather.” Blue led me back toward the bar. “Another drink?”

  My stomach began to churn a little from the fall. “No, thanks. I think I just need to sit for a minute.”

  He sat down beside me at the bar. He was staring so steadily at me that I felt a little uncomfortable. He leaned close.

  “You’re an amazing woman. Not many would be so willing to have such a good time.”

  I noticed his speech was slurred. I also noticed that his hand was resting on my knee. A moment later it was sliding up along my thigh. It made me feel electric inside, but it also made me uneasy. He was moving awfully fast for my taste.

  I gently guided his hand back to my knee.

  “I have to say I’ve surprised myself a few times today.” I grinned.

  The bartender set some pretzels in front of us. I got the impression that he felt we needed to sober up. I grabbed a handful, but when I leaned forward to get them, Blue grabbed a handful too—of my breast!

  “Wow! Wait a minute!” I stared at him with shock.

  “Oh, sorry. I was trying to get some pretzels.” He grabbed some pretzels from the bowl.

  I wasn’t sure whether to believe him or not. The Blue I thought I knew was not someone that would be so disrespectful.

  But I reminded myself that I was pretty drunk. Maybe it really had been an honest mistake.

  “I’ve had a lot of fun with you. I hope we can do this again sometime.” I reached for my purse to get my phone out. I was hoping he would give me his number.

  When I leaned down for the phone, he gave my rear end a little squeeze. I bit my lip to keep from squealing in reaction to it. There was nothing appealing to me about a man that would be so rude.

  “Blue, don’t. I don’t want to rush things.” I firmly pushed his hand away from me.

  “Blue, blue—why do you keep calling me blue? Are you blind or something? I’m obviously green. I’m dressed like a leprechaun. I couldn’t get much more green. Now relax, baby. There’s only a few hours of St. Patrick’s Day left for us to get lucky.” He pulled off his mask and sunglasses to lean in for a kiss.

  As I saw him approaching I realized his eyes were not the beautiful blue shade I was expecting. They were green!

  “No!” I landed my palm firmly across his cheek. It was enough of a slap to make a point, but not enough to leave a mark. “I said stop!” I shoved him away from me and stared in horror.

  He wasn’t Blue at all. He was just some random guy dressed like a leprechaun who I’d been doing wild things with all day!

  “Easy, easy.” He grumbled and rubbed his cheek. “I thought you were into it. From the way you were acting, I thought you wanted more. I guess I’m a little drunk.”

  He belched loudly and then stumbled back a few steps.

  “I’ll call you a cab.” The bartender picked up the phone behind the bar.

  I was still processing what had just happened. Never in my life had I been so intimate with a man without even knowing his name. I had just gone with it, thinking it was Blue. Now I knew that Blue had apparently not even bothered to show up.

  “Miss, are you alright?” The bartender set a cup of coffee on the bar for me.

  “Yes, I’m okay, I think.”

  I stared down into the murky brown liquid. I didn’t even notice when the leprechaun wandered out of the bar. I expected to feel mortified and disappointed in myself. But I didn’t. I was actually a little thrilled. Sure, it was unusual for me to act the way that I had, but it hadn’t killed me. I’d had a good time, even if I didn’t know who I was having a good time with. I had done things I never would have done otherwise.

  “Oh, well.” I shook my head. “I guess there’s always a bright side.”

  “And this.” The bartender slid a piece of paper across the bar to me.

  “I don’t want his number.” I waved my hand.

  “It’s not his number. It’s the tab. I took a few drinks off since you won the costume contest, but I couldn’t comp all of it.”

  “Oh.”

  I had to laugh at myself. Not only had I given the stranger a good time, I’d also bought all of his drinks. At least I’d won the contest.

  I paid the tab and headed for the door. The more I thought about dancing a jig on the table and doing green shots, the more I laughed.

  I texted Max to see if he could pick me up, as I no longer had enough cash left to call a cab. The green drinks were quite expensive.

  Chapter 10

  A few minutes later Max pulled up to the bar. He got out of his car and walked toward me. I could tell that he was trying to hide a laugh.

  “You are wasted.” He grinned along with the accusation.

  “I may have had a few too many. But I had a wonderful time.”

  He held the door open to the passenger side of the car. “I can see that.” He laughed as I started to get into the car.

  “What?” I looked over my shoulder at him.

  “I’m just glad that you chose the green panties to go with the outfit.”

  “Huh?” I peered down at my backside.

  Suddenly I remembered that ripping sound. My bottoms must have split while I was doing the jig. Normally I would be horrified, but instead I just shrugged. Maybe I was too drunk to care, or maybe I had just learned not to take things too seriously. Either way, I had no regrets. As Max drove me home I filled him in on my adventure. I left out the part about having no idea who the man was that I’d spent the entire day with. It was actually very liberating to think that I’d met someone new, been completely wild with him, and lived to tell the tale. Maybe this dating thing wasn’t as scary as I thought it was.

  Max helped me to my apartment.

  “Do you want me to stay? I could make you some coffee.”

  I looked into his eyes and smiled. “No, Max, I’ll be fine. I’ve got a leprechaun to find.”

  “A what?” He frowned. “Are you sure you don’t need to go to the hospital?”

  I laughed and closed the door. The leprechaun I needed to hunt down was that pesky Blue. I wanted an answer as to why he’d stood me up. I might have had a good time, but that didn’t excuse his absence.

  In the quiet of my apartment it took me a minute to get my head to stop spinning. All I could think of was Blue.

  Had he seen me and run? Had he stood me up? Had I misunderstood the invitation in the first place? It saddened me a little to think that I might have lost him as a friend, even just as a virtual friend. I logged into my blog and found a new private message from him. I frowned as I opened it. I was worried about what he might say.

  SWF,

  I’m so sorry if I missed you today. I was under the weather and unable to make it. I don’t even know if you went, so this is probably pointless. To be honest, I hope you did. I wish I’d been there to find out. Either way, I hope you had an amazing St. Patrick’s Day.

  Blue

  I read over the message again. So he’d not even been there. He hadn’t se
en me dressed up in my ridiculous costume. I felt a little relieved. It was exciting to think of meeting him, and now I still might get the chance. I typed a quick message back to him.

  Blue,

  I’m sorry you’re not well. As far as whether I went or not—let’s just say you missed out on an adventurous day. I won the costume contest! I hope you feel better soon.

  SWF

  I smiled at the memory of the day I’d had with my nameless leprechaun. He was no Blue, but he had broken me out of my comfort zone, and for that I was grateful. I was about to close up the computer for the night, but before I could, I received another message.

  SWF,

  I can’t believe I missed you. At least I’ll get to see you in your costume. They hang pictures of the winners on the wall. As soon as I’m feeling better, I’ll head in for a drink.

  Blue

  I nearly dropped my computer.

  If I had known that tidbit of information, I might not have worn what I did. In all the chaos, I hadn’t noticed if anyone had taken any pictures. Suddenly I had a terrible thought. What if I was on YouTube dancing an Irish jig with my green panties for all of the World Wide Web to see?

  I started to check, but then forced myself not to look. It was better not to know.

  I closed the computer and pulled off what remained of my costume.

  After a quick shower to wash off the glitter and splashes of green that I’d picked up during my adventure, I flopped into bed. I had a lot to do in the morning. I needed to get my car. I needed to talk to a bartender about a picture.

  As I drifted off to sleep, I thought again about the day I’d had. The old me might have looked at the whole thing as a complete disaster, but now I was seeing most things as an adventure—even things that did go a bit pear-shaped on me once in awhile. It made me realize that I didn’t need a Max or a Blue to have fun. I just needed to be open enough to be myself no matter who I was with.

  Dating had always been a scary thing to me, but I was beginning to see it as an opportunity rather than a test. I certainly had some great material for the blog and some brand new ideas to add to my bucket list.

  Dear Reader,