Sir John Hargrave's Mischief Maker's Manual

by John Hargrave

  Hide the egg whites in the refrigerator.

  Salt and pepper the egg yolks. Add a cup of milk. With a wire whisk, beat your yolks over the sink for two minutes.

  Heat ¼ cup cooking oil in a frying pan over medium-low heat. Pour in the eggs. Stir constantly until cooked. Serve breakfast, making sure everyone notices who helped out for a change.

  Later, empty out the shampoo bottle into a mediumsized bowl. Rinse the bottle under hot water. (Do this at a faraway sink, as it will make a lot of bubbles.)

  Take the chilled egg whites out of the fridge and beat twenty strokes with a fork. Using a funnel, pour the chilled egg whites into the shampoo container.

  Using a funnel, pour the shampoo from the bowl into your alternate shampoo container.

  Step 9

  Step 10

  Most people get attached to their hair wash, so that’s the reason for pouring the real shampoo into an alternate container. Leave it in the shower with them.

  This prank also works for body soap, or anything in a squeezable container.

  KETCH-UP THE BUTT

  It’s a prank so simple it can be performed anywhere, by anyone, at any time. It’s a packet of ketchup, positioned under the toilet seat in a way that will squirt ketchup on someone’s bare bottom when they sit down. Ketch-Up the Butt is also known as a “Squishy,” “Toilet Squishy,” or a “Loo Squishy” if you live in England.

  Sometimes, the ketchup packets misfire, and instead of squirting, they explode. When one of these things goes off, it can release a mighty blurt of ketchup that reaches the bathtub, or even the next bathroom stall. The goal, however, is to angle the packets to hit their bum, and hope for the best. They can always wipe it off with toilet paper, after their heart rate returns to normal.

  How to Set up a Successful Squishy: Fold two packets of ketchup so the fat end is pointing inward, toward their fat end.

  Place packets under the little “bumps” on the underside of the toilet seat.

  Put the toilet seat down. (Leave the cover up.)

  SQUISHY TIPSIES

  • Use packets of mustard for a colorful touch.

  • Use one mustard and one ketchup for a Jackson Pollock-like flair.

  • Other packaged condiments, such as relish and soy sauce, do not work well. Mayonnaise is iffy.

  The biggest problem with Ketch-Up the Butt is that the ketchup packets make the toilet seat bulge up from the rim in an obvious way. But it’s such an easy prank to pull that you can easily afford to set ’em up and see who sits on ’em.

  Set up Ketch-Up the Butt in your own home, then press down on it to gauge the reaction. Afterward, take time to clean the bathroom, so as to remove all evidence of a ketchup explosion.

  WWW.MISCHIEFMAKERSMANUAL.COM

  SIGN SHENANIGANS

  People trust signs.

  As a professional mischief maker, this works to your advantage. You can easily fool people into all kinds of crazy behavior with nothing more than a simple sign hung on a door or wall, somewhere people will notice it.

  The great news is, people even trust signs that are bad and crudely drawn. A janitor can tape up a sign reading GYM CLOZED DUE TO WILD GORILA, and people will be like, “Whoa! A wild gorilla is on the loose! Run for your lives!”

  Your signs should look a lot better than that. Generally speaking, the bigger and more expensive-looking a sign is, the more people will believe it. That’s why this section starts with laser-printed signs (Redesigning Signs, page 99) and ends with instructions for Reprogramming Signs (page 106), which could be enough to get you mentioned on the Internet, if not the news.

  The best thing about sign-related pranks is they’re difficult to pin on anyone. After all: Anyone could have hung the sign, which leaves over six billion other suspects on planet Earth. Provided you pull off the sign prank without being seen (always use a Lookout, page 33), you can admire your handiwork from a safe distance. If possible, take pictures.

  ALWAYS BE CAREFUL

  Because people believe signs so completely, do not print anything that would harm or hurt people, either physically or mentally.

  REDESIGNING SIGNS

  Microsoft Word is the most commonly used computer program in the world.

  This means everybody uses it. Your parents. Lawyers. The police. Gandhi used Microsoft Word. Cavemen used Microsoft Word. Adam and Eve used WordPerfect 6.2, but eventually switched to Microsoft Word.

  Microsoft Word can be used to make all kinds of professional-looking documents that look just as good as the real thing. If you look around, many adults just use a sign printed in Word and taped in a location that’s easy to see, like on a classroom door or bulletin board. If you know Word, you know as much as they do. Word is the great equalizer.

  There are two main methods for making mischief with Microsoft: Copycat sign. This is where you use Word to make an exact replica of an existing sign, but change it in some silly way. The proper time to use this prank is when someone has left a particularly ridiculous sign on the wall.Doing a copycat sign is easy, though it takes a little time to get the details right. Take a picture of the offending sign, then fire up Microsoft Word and copy the sign’s exact formatting and font. Your new sign really has to look exactly like the old sign, except for your ridiculous change.

  Hang the new sign over the old one, so it’s easy to remove when it’s discovered by whoever’s in charge. If the old sign “shows through” the new one, just use a few additional blank sheets of paper in between the two signs.

  Copycat sign before

  Copycat sign after

  Prank sign. This is where you make up an entirely new sign, with the goal of pranking people into thinking it was left by someone important. For instance:

  Putting signatures on your signs can often make them more believable (see Signatures, page 50). But don’t overdo it—think about whether a signature would make sense. You can also add today’s date, which makes it seem current.

  Consider a warning in small print at the bottom of the sign. For instance, DO NOT REMOVE UNTIL ____, with a date one week in the future. Or: DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF PUNISHMENT.

  Pay careful attention to spelling and formatting. In Word, avoid the red squiggly lines, which usually mean a word is misspelled. Also look out for green squiggly lines, which usually mean a mistake in your grammar. The better your English, the more people you’ll be able to fool.

  Make sure your font in Word is big and readable (usually a 36-or 48-point font), and use either Arial or Times New Roman. Don’t get cutesy and use Comic Sans MS, unless you’re trying to imitate someone who uses Comic Sans MS a lot, in which case they deserve it.

  Print your sign on the highest-quality printer you can find. Laser printers are best, but inkjet printers will also work. If you need a really impressive sign, you can take your Word file to your local FedEx Kinko’s (or other printing shop), and ask to have your sign “dry-mounted.” This will give the sign a nice stiff backing, and everyone will believe it.

  Microsoft Word is the most important computer program for young troublemakers to learn. The best news is that if your family has a computer, it probably already has Word installed. If not, you can easily get it by telling your parents you need Word for school and other things. Don’t tell them about the “other things.”

  Use Microsoft Word to make a prank sign. Hang it up in a busy location and observe what happens.

  WWW.MISCHIEFMAKERSMANUAL.COM

  REARRANGING SIGNS

  As popularized by George Beard and Harold Hutchins of the Captain Underpants series, there’s a famous prank where you find one of those signs with the moveable letters:

  And you rearrange the letters of the sign so they read something else.

  This is called an anagram. The classic prankster’s move is to do a perfect anagram, which means no letters left over. Perfect anagrams are very difficult, which is why smart people like them. You’re not after perfection, you’re after pranks. Leftover letters are accep
table, as long as the new message is funny enough.

  Anagram: Rearranging the letters of a word or phrase to create a new word or phrase.

  How to Rearrange Signs:

  Find a sign with moveable letters. These generally come in two kinds: the big clear plastic letters that slide onto guides, or the pointy plastic letters that snap in and out.

  Find a convenient time to research the sign without being noticed. Make note of any problems that will need to be creatively solved.

  Go home and figure out your anagram. It helps to write each letter on a Post-It Note so you can play around with them. You can also use the Internet Anagram Server at www.wordsmith.org/anagram to suggest options.

  Rearrange the sign. The best time to do this is not late at night, but early in the morning, preferably around 5:30 A.M., so your sign can greet the morning crowds. (Consider the Paperboy costume [page 44], since paperboys are often seen very early in the morning.)

  In the event of leftover letters, seal them up in a large Ziploc bag, which you should tape to the side of the sign. Don’t run off with the letters.

  Make a funny anagram of your name (first and last). You may have up to five leftover letters.

  WWW.MISCHIEFMAKERSMANUAL.COM

  REPROGRAMMING SIGNS

  Light-up signs are attention-grabbers, which is why adults use them to display important messages ... like school announcements and highway detours. They come in many shapes and sizes, from small Scrolling Signs (see Figure 1) to huge Electronic Message Boards that they have to haul in on a truck (see Figure 2).

  Figure 1: Before

  Figure 1: After

  Figure 2: Before

  Figure 2: After

  Many signs have locks on their keypads. Many other signs are programmed using a detachable keyboard, and the keyboard is missing. Scrolling Signs are usually programmed with small programmable keyboards set into the device. Message boards sometimes have the password written near the keypad, so workers don’t have to remember them. The creative prankster should always be looking for a mischievous solution to the problem that does not Damage, Deface, or Destroy (page 23).

  How to Reprogram Electronic Signs:

  At a convenient time, get close enough to the sign to examine it carefully. Look for any company names or model numbers. Write these down. Look also for a manual.

  If you didn’t find a manual, then Google any names or model numbers you found. Once you find the company website, search the site for the documentation manual that matches your sign model. Most companies make these available on their websites, for free, as PDF files.

  Memorize the manual carefully. Learn everything about it. Know the sign better than the adults who programmed it, which is usually not that hard.

  Posting one or more Lookouts (see page 33), sneak to the sign and reprogram it. Again, the best time to do this, whenever possible, is early morning, before the crowds arrive. Be prepared for frequent interruptions.

  Be sure to get a picture or video. Post it on the Internet.

  Do a Google search on “electronic signs” and learn more about them. Consider buying one, because electronic signs are sweet.

  WWW.MISCHIEFMAKERSMANUAL.COM

  PRANK RANK ACHIEVED!

  Congratulations, young grasshopper. You have worked your way through another level of mischief, earning yourself the title of Minor Mischief Maker. Wear your badge proudly. Although you are only a Minor, you’re on your way to the Majors.

  Visit www.mischiefmakersmanual.com to track progress and download badge.

  WWW.MISCHIEFMAKERSMANUAL.COM

  In this section, you will learn how to build gags, the professional term for wacky contraptions that are used to prank people. Many of these hilarious contraptions, like Joy Buzzers and Whoopee Cushions, have been around for decades. Your education is not complete without detailed knowledge of these devices, and the best way to get detailed knowledge is to build them yourself.

  You’ll find step-by-step instructions in the following pages, explaining how to build these gags using everyday items you have in your kitchen or study. Some require low-cost items you can buy at Wal-Mart, Home Depot, or a drugstore.

  The projects in the following pages will get progressively more difficult, but by completing each of the exercises, you will attain the level of Major Mischief Maker, and be one step closer to your ultimate goal: Master Mischief Maker. Progress you are making, young grasshopper. Progress you are making.

  DO-IT-YOURSELF GAGS

  STARTLING CONTRAPTIONS

  JOY BUZZER

  The classic Joy Buzzer gag is a circular metallic contraption that’s hidden in your hand by a small loop that fits over your ring finger. You wind up the device, and when someone pushes the button by shaking your hand, the joy buzzer unwinds and vibrates a bit, “shocking” the person who was foolish enough to “shake on it.”

  It’s a classic gag, but like many classic gags, it’s not that good.

  This is an updated version of the Joy Buzzer called the Super Sparker. This is an ordinary disposable camera that lets out an incredibly loud spark, causing the person who is nearest the camera to wet their pants in fright. Get an adult to help you with this project, because that’s the person you’re going to prank.

  The secret to the Super Sparker is an electronic component called a capacitor. Capacitors are kind of like electronic water balloons; they can hold a lot of electricity, but when a metal object touches both wire leads, they “pop” all their electricity at once, releasing a powerful and disturbing spark.

  ALWAYS BE CAREFUL

  This prank involves serious electricity, enough to cause burns! Do not use the Super Sparker on small children, or anyone with a heart condition. Always use an insulated screwdriver, and above all, do not touch the capacitor with your bare hands!

  How to Build the Super Sparker:

  Disposable cameras have a rechargeable flash, which is connected to a powerful capacitor. If you want to be sure your disposable camera has enough “juice” for the Super Sparker, then buy a new one (they cost about ten dollars). But since you’re just going to be taking it apart anyway, you can try asking at your local drugstore for a couple of empty disposable camera cases (they usually have some behind the photo counter). Try to get a few, just in case the first one doesn’t work. If they ask why, tell them you’re building a ham radio.

  Before you open the camera case, you must discharge (or “pop”) the flash capacitor. This is a 300 volt capacitor that can cause painful electric shocks, and leave burns on your skin. Be careful! To discharge, press the shutter button and advance the film in the camera if needed. If the camera doesn’t flash, you should proceed very carefully, as the capacitor may already be fully charged. (Or the battery may be dead.)

  Peel off any stickers on the camera and gently crack open the case. Since these cameras are meant to be opened, you shouldn’t have to use much force; just pull off the back, where you’ll find an electronics board featuring a battery, flashbulb, and a large cylinder-shaped capacitor. Do not touch the capacitor.

  Now you will test the spark, so get ready. Using an insulated screwdriver (with a rubber or plastic handle), touch the blade of the screwdriver to both capacitor wires. This “shorts” the capacitor by creating a path for the stored electricity to shoot over to the other side, draining the electricity and making an extremely loud spark. When this happens, try not to wet your pants, as urine conducts electricity.

  If the camera didn’t spark (or didn’t spark loudly enough), try again with another camera—your battery may be dead. If you did get a spark, advance the film in the camera (if needed) and press the flash recharge button to load up the capacitor again. Give it a few minutes to fully charge, and your prank will be ready to go.

  Go to www.mischiefmakersmanual.com/tools/sparker/ and print out the fake “instructions” there. This will fool your adult into thinking they are following harmless instructions for turning a disposable camera into a digital camera, which is po
ssibly the silliest idea ever. The hardest part will be keeping a straight face as you present the instructions to them.

  Find an adult you want to prank (parent, science teacher, study hall monitor, etc.) Bring over the camera, the screwdriver, and the fake instructions, being careful not to touch the capacitor. Ask if they’ll help you, and point to the appropriate step on the fake instructions.

  When the moment of the Super Spark occurs, be sure to let out a very loud, surprised yell, which will make the fright that much greater for your adult. If possible, drop a heavy tool on the table at the same time. If you have a friend nearby, get him/her to yell, too. Afterward, it’s okay to laugh—just pretend that you’re laughing because you’re relieved to be alive.

  Say “I guess we shouldn’t believe everything we read on the Internet!” as you take the camera away, your hands shaking. If your adult wants to continue to help, simply say, “You’ve helped enough.”