O.J.

by Penny Hawking

  I looked down at the ground as I rubbed my feet together. “How did you?”

  “I didn’t.” Christina said. “Not right away.” She elaborated. “I first ended up hurting everybody that ever loved me and pushing them away…until it dawned on me…” she said her voice trailing off.

  I couldn’t look up as the speck of dirt on the balcony became more and more interesting. I wanted to ask her what dawned on her. What was the realization she got where she no longer felt the need to push people away. It’s not like I wanted to push them away…It’s like I needed to, I had to before I damaged them or myself any further. “What was Andy like when you first met him?” I asked softly to change the subject.

  Christina let out a soft laugh. “He was an asshole.” She said confidently.

  I giggled. He’d told me that but it was so hard to imagine…well not that hard if I really thought about it.

  “I first met him sophomore year. He was this really big deal I guess, everybody loved him and wanted to fuck him. He was already captain of the boys’ varsity soccer team.” Christina continued.

  “Andy?” I asked.

  “Yep.” Christina asked. “All American good boy good looks douchebag soccer player.” Christina took a deep breath. “That was until his parents died.” She said softly. “He became…hollow…angry…he was a different person.” Christina rubbed her eyes as she stared up at the night sky. “I made it worse.” She said regretfully. “I pulled him into my sick twisted mentality…and then when he got too close, I pushed him away.” Christina sighed. “It was a never ending cycle and we fed off of it…much easier than dealing with the problem.”

  I was silent for a minute letting her words sink in. “And then you went to rehab and met Jared.”

  Christina nodded. “We went to rehab.” She corrected. “His sister practically dragged us. It didn’t matter, I was ready for it…I was so tired, so exhausted of holding on to so much emptiness…but Andy wasn’t ready to let it go.”

  “Do you think he let it go?” I asked my voice cracking.

  “I don’t know.” Christina answered. “But he’s not as sad as he used to be.” She turned her head to the side. “Thanks to you.” She finished.

  I didn’t know what to say as my heart raced and tears welled up in the corner of my eyes. That’s not true I thought. Who should really be getting the thanks here? I had a feeling it shouldn’t be me.

  “You and I are more alike than I thought.” Christina revealed sadly. “You’re gonna hurt him.” She whispered.

  It was so soft, I barely heard her. I turned at the sound of her balcony door opening.

  “Hey you coming in?” Jared asked stepping outside. He turned and waved to me and then bent down to lift Christina up in his arms. “Goodnight Ornelia…don’t worry about getting up early, we can sleep in as long as we want.” He said

  I nodded and smiled at them as they walked back inside their room. Christina gave me one last look and a sad smile before leaning her head on Jared’s bare chest. I watched them disappear from my sight with a feeling of apprehension. I got up and went back inside as Christina’s words played around in my head. I scoffed in disbelief. Andy really knew how to pick us. I grabbed my phone out my bag and plopped on the bed and scrolled to it. I could text Zeus for a distraction. Or maybe Nico…yeah Nico always made me laugh. My fingers wavered over all the missed calls from my mother and the strings of text messages. I hadn’t talked to her ever since I found out. I couldn’t. I couldn’t hear her say anything. It was as if she stared me straight in the eyes as she gutted me in the heart with a butter knife. My phone rang again in my hand and I stared at it as my mom’s picture came up. What was my mom doing up at 2 in the morning? I slid my finger across to decline but for some odd reason the phone answered.

  “Hello? Ornelia?” My mom’s strained voice on the other line spoke up.

  I stared at the phone unable to speak.

  “Ornelia are you there?” My mom asked. “Ornelia…I know…I know you’re there just speak to me baby.”

  Tears formed at the corner of my eyes as I brought the phone to my ear. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think I was capable of forming words.

  “Ornelia, everything I did. I did out of my love for you.” Gisele said. “Believe me.”

  I took a deep breath as a hot tear rolled down my cheek. Come on Ornelia, I was stronger than this.

  “There are just some things you can’t understand. There are things that adults do that will never make sense, but in the long run it’s all for your benefit.” Gisele said.

  Stop lying. Stop lying to me please. “You’re lying.” I whispered into the phone. My mom was silent on the other line. I gained courage as I spoke louder. “You wanted to pass me off as Steven’s and when that didn’t work, when he figured out your bullshit you were trapped!”

  “Ornelia how dare you---”

  “I begged you.” I said my voice cracking. “I begged you all my life…for this one thing…” My voice cracked as I wiped my tears. “And now…now I can never know him.”

  “Ornelia, listen to me. I wanted what was best for my family. Steven just needs time. Everything will be alright. He does love you, just like his own.”

  “Stop living in this fucking delusional world!” I shouted into the phone. “He left you mom!” I yelled at her. “He left you because you were fucking someone else instead of being faithful in your marriage!” My hands were trembling. “No matter how much you tried to make it work Steven still left! Just admit you made a mistake! That’s all I want. But you won’t, you’re still holding on that you did the right thing! How can you possibly think that?” I asked angrily. “You’re fucked! I’m fucked! Everybody is just fucking fucked!” I took my phone and threw it against the wall. I watched the back pop out and the battery roll out. I put my hands over my face but it couldn’t shield the hot tears pouring down. I had never yelled at my mom like that. No matter how angry she’d made me. I had always been able to hold it in. But it was like now…now I just couldn’t do it anymore. He’s dead…that little silver of hope I always held on to was gone. It vanished.

  There was a knock on my door and I quickly wiped my face with the bedsheets. I got up and answered.

  “Yeah.” I said trying to make my voice sound as normal as possible.

  “It’s me.” Andy said.

  I groaned. Andy was the last person I wanted to see right now. I made sure to wipe my face some more and I took a deep breath and opened the door and plastered a smile on my face. “Hey.” I said. I could see he’d cleaned up. His face was free of make-up, he smelled fresh and he had a clean white V-neck with a pair of sweat pants and some loafers.

  “You okay?” He asked straightening up.

  “I’m fine.” I said loudly. “Andy I’m always fine, when are you going to realize it!” I snapped. I hadn’t meant to do it…the conversation with my mom had gotten me all riled up.

  Andy grabbed the door and walked in the room. He shut it behind him and cupped my face. “What happened?” he asked in concern.

  I let out a small laugh as I took a step back. I looked up at the ceiling trying to hold back tears. “Nothing.” I answered. “Why can’t everybody just leave me the fuck alone?” I asked shrugging.

  Andy didn’t answer but he straightened up and put his hands in his pocket. “Ornelia stop it.” He said calmly.

  “Stop what?” I challenged crossing my arms across my chest.

  Andy kept his blue eyes on me as he took a step towards me. It was intimidating as I took a step back. “Stop acting like this.” he whispered.

  “Stop acting like what?” I demanded throwing my hands up. “This is me! This is how I act. If you don’t like it you can leave.” I said pointing to the door.

  Andy stopped walking. “What are you doing?” he asked seriously.

  “I’m asking you to leave.” I answered.

  “Cause I’m calling you out on your bullshit.” He asked raising his voice. I took a
step back because Andy never raises his voice. “Ornelia I’m worried about you.” Andy said lowering his voice. He reached for my hand but I put it behind me.

  “You shouldn’t be.” I answered coldly. “I don’t like guys that are too clingy.”

  Andy scoffed at my statement. “Caring about you makes me clingy?” he asked in disbelief.

  I took a step back. “I just need space.” I whispered.

  Andy ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and turned his back to me. He turned back around and walked towards me and pulled me to him. “You don’t need space Ornelia.” Andy whispered in my ear. He turned my face and kissed me softly, his eyes staring down at me lovingly. “Trust me you can’t keep this in…you don’t have to do this by yourself.” He bent down and pressed his lips against mine. His hand trailed down to wrap around my waist as his tongue asked for entrance into my mouth.

  To my surprise I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I said my voice shaking. I couldn’t look at him as I stared at the ground. I closed my eyes to hold back the tears. Andy didn’t say anything but his silence was like a thousand knives in my spine.

  “That’s not true.” Andy said softly taking a step back.

  “I can’t be that person.” I replied still staring at the ground. “You said on my conditions...and now I’m telling you---” I said a tear escaping.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Andy whispered, incredulity lacing his every word. He laughed as he took a step back. “Have you been trying to find a reason to break up with me?” He asked. “Is that why you were always with Brad, avoiding me at every turn?”

  “I wasn’t trying to find a reason it just won’t wo—”

  “I’m not listening to this.” Andy said cutting me off. He turned around and headed towards the door.

  “Andy.” I said going towards him.

  “Just stop!” Andy yelled. I froze in shock as he opened the door and slammed it behind him.

  “I’m sorry.” I whispered as tears fell down my face. “I’m sorry.” I said dropping to the ground. I buried my face in my hands as a fresh wave of tears overtook me. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why, why did I do things like this? Things that hurt me so much.

  I heard knocking on the door but I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t stop crying as Dr. Honsu’s words came back to mind. Word’s that I had tried to lock away 6 days ago. He died. Why was I thinking about that now?

  “Ornelia…I’m sorry…” Andy said through the door. He kept apologizing but I couldn’t move. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t him, but me. Yes the typical cliché statement but it was true. There was something wrong with me. He shouldn’t have to be a part of that. How could I give him something I didn’t understand? People said they loved me and yet they hurt me. Love was hurt and I didn’t want to give him that. Andy deserved so much better.

  I don’t know how long I was on that floor but Andy finally managed to get the door open with another key. All I remember was him scooping me into his arms and telling whoever was with him, that it was fine and they could go. I tried to apologize for being a nervous wreck but he wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t let me apologize, shutting my words up with butterfly kisses on my face. I broke down some more when he apologized for yelling at me. He didn’t understand. Andy just didn’t understand. I didn’t understand. I tried to tell him I didn’t know why I was crying and why I couldn’t stop. He told me to just cry, that I had to stop looking for reasons.

  When he laid me down on the bed and pulled me to him, I was scared. I was so scared and I didn’t know how to tell him. As he held me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell him, it wasn’t okay. That it had never been okay. That something wasn’t okay in me and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t. I tried and tried and I didn’t know how to fix it. It was as if every time I just got weaker and weaker. All this I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t as I kept crying. Never had I wanted to confide in somebody so much as I did him and that scared the shit out of me. If love was hurting, what the fuck had I gotten myself into?

  “I love you.” Andy whispered slipping his hands in mine. He kissed my ear. “I’m here Ornelia.” He hugged my closer. “I’m not going anywhere…I swear…I’m here.”

  I turned around to face him as I brought my hand to his lips. I wanted him to stop saying he loved me. He couldn’t love me. It was impossible. My own mother didn’t love me. Had she loved me she wouldn’t have lied to me.

  I pushed Andy down on the mattress and climbed on top of him straddling him. I wanted to forget. I needed to forget. Why wasn’t my numbness working anymore? I bent down and kissed his neck as I raked my hands up his shirt.

  “Ornelia we don’t have to do this.” Andy said lifting my head. “I wanna hold you.”

  I shook my head as I sat up and pulled my t-shirt off. “I wanna fuck you.” I said as I tossed my t-shirt aside. Andy looked like he was about to protest so I leaned down and clamped my mouth over his. My tongue invaded his mouth as my hands trailed down to pull on his sweatpants. As I kissed him and rotated my hips against his erection, Andy’s hands slid down to cup my butt. Please Andy just help me forget, help me forget. His kisses intensified as he held my butt and rocked me against him. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I was craving, the hunger, the passion. Whatever he had to offer. I wanted it selfishly and I wanted it fast.

  The more I tried to hurry, it seemed the slower Andy wanted to take things. By the time I’d managed to actually get us both naked, Andy seemed content in just touching me. He took his time as his hands roamed all over my body. Up my thighs, around my waist, down my back, over my stomach. His tongue traced a path around my hardened nipple as he pressed his face against my chest. I closed my eyes as the simple made me even weaker. I moaned as his mouth sucked on me gently as I ran my hands through his damp hair. I inhaled his fresh scent as I moved my hips against him.

  “Condom.” I said breathlessly. I didn’t want to wait anymore. His touches were sending me over the edge.

  “Pockets.” He whispered as he nibbled on my neck.

  I hurriedly got off of him as I reached for the sweat pants I’d dropped on the floor earlier. Andy sat up as he watched me carefully. Finding the package I put it to my mouth and tore the side as I turned to him. I discarded the wrapper as I rubbed the thin latex in my hand. I took my time as I put the rubber on his head of his already wet penis and rolled it all the way down his shaft. I quickly straddled him since he was sitting up and brought my knees against his side. Reaching between our bodies, I grabbed his member and brought it to my hot dripping entrance. With one hand Andy grabbed my butt as he slowly entered inside me. I closed my eyes at the sheer pleasure of being invaded by him, I let out a small moan as I scooted even closer and wrapped my arms around his neck. After a few seconds passed I realized Andy was not moving and I looked down at him to see him watching me.

  “What?” I asked breathlessly.

  Any put his finger over my mouth to silence me. He let his finger trail down to my chin and leaned over brushed his warm lips against mine gently before pulling away. He kissed me again and again, little soft pecks against my lips. My senses halted as I stared at him. I kept my eyes open as he kissed me again, this time his lips lingering on mine as he shifted his hips, using his other hand to slightly lift my butt. I stared at the man in front of me as though I was just seeing him for the first time. It was as if he’d frozen me in place and my mind and thoughts no longer functioned. I trailed my hands down to cup his face gently. Why…why was I feeling like this? Andy brushed his nose against mine as he continued his slow steady strokes. I closed my eyes again as I locked my knees against his side as I rotated my hips. I rose slightly as I met him thrust for thrust. The room was silent and only the sound of our heavy breathing against each other could be heard. I was usually a vocal lover but I couldn’t say anything as my arms hooked under his arms to latch desperately on to his shoulders. I on
ly had the ability to breathe as I rocked my head against his. I tried to steady my heart beat by taking deeper breaths but Andy wasn’t cooperating as his hands gripped my thighs and he thrusted deeper. I whimpered at the intensity of his strokes as I opened my eyes to look at him. I was met with those gorgeous pool of deep blues staring back at me. I don’t know if he’d been staring at me the whole time but the way he was looking at me as he panted…I’d never seen before.

  “I love you.” Andy whispered as he shakily leaned forward and kissed me. “I love you so much.”

  “Why?” I whispered. I noticed my voice was unsteady, and I didn’t whisper because I wanted to, but because my voice couldn’t seem to go any louder than that. I panted as I sped up my hip movements. I kept my eyes on him as my throat got dry and I was forced to swallow.

  Andy brought his hand up and brushed my damp hair out of my face. “For no reason at all.” He answered. Andy turned us around. My back hit the soft mattress as he climbed on top of me and smiled. “Love doesn’t need a reason don’t you know that?” He teased as he bent down to kiss me. I felt the smile on his lips as he kissed me again.