O.J.

by Penny Hawking

  Andy stared at me.

  I looked away nervously, having forgotten how intense his gaze were. I gave off a nervous laugh. “I’m really bad at this kind of thing…sorry if it’s ----” I took a deep breath. “I really miss you.” I said honestly. “I don’t know how this works and I---” I took another deep breath. “I’m sorry.” I said looking back at him. “I was scared and selfish, and slutty…all those things. I didn’t mean to hurt you…I think it was more to hurt myself.” I said my voice trembling. “But I really missed you and I….I mean if you wanted to…” I felt like something was trapped in my throat. “I mean obviously not now…but if you ever found it in your heart to forgive me…maybe you could give me another chance.” I stumbled out.

  I tried to steady my beating heart as Andy kept staring at me. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I couldn’t read his expression. But the long pause of silence was making me nervous. I hadn’t expected to say all that…I hadn’t meant to reveal that much…but seeing him and wanting him back just ripped me of my senses. It left me exposed and vulnerable before him. Something I seemed to be doing lately.

  Andy looked behind him briefly and took a deep breath. “I…uh…” He seemed slightly confused and uncomfortable. His eyes met mine. “I was in the middle of…something.” He let out regretfully.

  My hand went over my mouth. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” I said in horror. “Andy, I’m so sorry.” I apologized. “Of course…” I took a step back. “Fuck.” I took a deep breath trying to hold back the tears. “I am so sorry for interrupting.”

  “Ornelia.” Andy said softly taking a step out the house.

  I put up a hand and a shaky smile. “No stop…go back.” I said. “Please just…I’m so embarrassed.” I laughed nervously. “Have fun Andy.” I said smiling as I took a step back. “Seriously.” I said giving him a warm smile. I could feel the tears in the corner of my eyes. I had to get out of there. I made my way to him and placed my hands on his shoulders. I smiled up at

  him warmly. Closing my eyes, I tip toed up to him and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “Be happy, please.” I whispered. I gave him one last smile and turned around just in time so he couldn’t see the tears fall down my cheek. I waved bye to him happily without turning around. When I was a safe distance where I was sure he couldn’t see the tears, I turned around and smiled brightly. “See you in school!” I yelled before getting in my car.

  I allowed myself one more look of him, standing in the doorway of his house staring out at me. I smiled sadly as I pulled away. It was my own damn fault.

  Andy closed his front door slowly. He exhaled deeply as he pressed his forehead against the door. His shoulders slumped as he closed his eyes.

  “Who was it?” A soft friendly voice asked coming up the stairs fixing her shirt and buttoning her jeans.

  “A friend.” Andy said softly.

  Chapter twenty-seven

  When your heart breaks, it’s as if the person took a piece of it with them. My mom had a piece, my late father had a piece and now Andy had a piece. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe for Andy to wait around for me to try and get my shit together. But who was I to expect something like that? The guy didn’t owe me anything. Anything at all. I just had the worst timing in the history of relationships.

  Knowing that he was sleeping with somebody else sort of shook me to the core. I couldn’t understand where we went from there. The path that I wanted to lay down seemed hazy and unfinished. Leaving me completely unsatisfied. But deep inside I knew I didn’t deserve him. I guess I always knew I didn’t deserve him…his love, his patience, his kindness. I was feeding off of him and probably taking away any bit of sanity he had left. As much as I sat in my bedroom trying to deny it, I knew I had to let him go, for real this time. What shocked me the most is that I wanted him to be happy. I mean truly happy. Not we break up and I’m bitter and say I want you to be happy and actually want you to be damned for the rest of your life. No…I wanted Andy Perth to be happy. Even if I lost my chance at providing that for him, I wanted the best for him always.

  The last few weeks of college, I didn’t sit around and wallow in self-pity. I don’t do that. I, Ornelia happen to be a really resilient person. I know how to bounce back, I’ve been doing it so much my whole life, it became sort of second nature. Now am I going to walk around and keep pretending I’m fine when I’m not…sometimes and sometimes I’m not. I’m pretty sure this is going to take some getting used to. I mean not everybody needs to know how shitty your life is all the time. But I knew I couldn’t keep it all in. I apparently had an older sister who I found it surprisingly easy to confide in.

  I could try this fresh approach to my life, with this old weight lifted off my shoulder. Maybe someday later down the road, I could seek professional help, talk to a psychiatrist that’s used to people having issues in their lives. But for now, I’m going to enjoy my last days of college. And I’m going to enjoy it the best way I know how. The best way that could cause me less strain.

  Party and friends. I swear a part of me did change in some way that I can’t quite put my finger on…but I could never change the essence of who I was. Meaning I could get down on Friday night, no worries whatsoever. It must be some kind of special skill. Don’t worry though; I think I made a mental note not to ever repeat Zeus’ party. That had sickened me beyond belief and I tried to handle my partying with some moderation. Hint the word tried…thank God for my friends and their loyalty. Okay I’ll admit it…partying did take my mind off of Andy because for some odd reason…I couldn’t get him out. Guess old habits are hard to break.

  Dr. Honsu really took on the role of godfather seriously, and his wife Yuri appointed herself as my godmother. I of course didn’t complain. They were the coolest adults I’d ever met in my life, and they were willing to be around me 24/7. So it wasn’t a surprise that I would frequently drop by their house and Dr. Honsu would work with me on my senior portfolio. I had never imagined in a million years that I would be working alongside the famous Dr. Guy Honsu. Better yet that he would be my godfather and take me under his wings. We would sit for hours and he would show me pictures of long ago and recount different stories of him and my father when they were little. It seemed as though he was pouring a legacy in me and I had no choice but to precede it. In fact I wanted to precede it…I wanted to make proud the father I never knew. And the way for me to do so was to do it through Dr. Honsu.

  I’m not saying my life was perfect because it wasn’t. As you can obviously see. I was still dealing with a lot of stuff inside…I still had so many questions unanswered. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my mom. Every time she called, I ignored. Every time I tried to call, I chickened out. The fear would not leave me. Cece ended up being messenger, telling me the family had rented a hotel room next to the school for graduation and they would be there early that Saturday. I didn’t know how it would be to face her but hey, as Cece said….Rome was not built in a day.

  “Oh Class, not everybody signed up for a time slot during the senior showcase.” Dr. Honsu said sitting on his desk casually. “I promise you, you will not graduate if it’s not done by this Thursday.” He said smiling innocently as he looked at his exhausted seniors ready to say good bye to college forever.

  The class groaned and even Tim banged his head on his Mac.

  “Most of you guys already handed in your final portfolio…so you’re free to cause havoc. I won’t require you to come in next Tuesday.” Dr. Honsu said grinning.

  The class erupted in an uproar.

  “Unless…” He said putting up a finger, bringing attention back to him. “You have nothing better to do and just want to stare at my handsome face.” He joked.

  The class broke out in laughter and Dr. Honsu got up and bowed. “You guys are amazing, each and every one of you talented individuals. It has been my honor to teach and learn with you guys.” Dr. Honsu said seriously as the class took him in. I felt his eyes scan each and every one of his students and
smiled when it landed on me. Dr. Honsu’s smile got bigger. “Never, ever settle for anything less than who you are. It’s a nasty world out there for artists. But never compromise yourself for anybody, and only then will you succeed. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.”

  I got up along with the rest of my classmates as we gave him a very hearty round of applause.

  “Are you teaching next semester?” Troy asked.

  We all looked to Dr. Honsu expectantly. I knew he was. The school had wanted to contract him for 10 years. He’d refused but agreed to teach another year. He wanted his freedom to come and leave as he pleased. He didn’t like the constraints of the four walls, nor minimizing his teachings to a classroom.

  “You can fail and find out.” Dr. Honsu answered smoothly.

  “Oh hell no!” Troy said, causing everybody to laugh. “I’m graduating baby.” He said holding up his drafted portfolio. “See right here?” He asked pointing to the 500. “That’s 500 out of 530. An A!” He threw his hands up in triumph.

  Dr. Honsu shook his head and grinned. “Class dismissed.”

  Candace packed her bags as she smiled softly at me. “This is so sad.” She said her voice croaking.

  “Hey!” I said grinning as I patted her back. “Don’t act like this is forever. You have my contacts, we’ll keep in touch.” I said. I turned her around and pulled her into a big bear hug. “We’ll always be friends.” I whispered. I kissed her cheek and pulled back admiring her smile light up her face. She was really a beautiful girl. She’d come a long way from those flip-flop and socks days. Yet Candace always remained Candace. “You’re an inspiration to me.” I told her honestly.

  The surprise on her face was really a Kodak moment. “What?”

  I winked at her. “You’re a good friend…and for that…I want to give you this.” I said taking out a piece of paper. Candace looked confused. “Pierre saw you the other day and he was like...who’s that and told me to give this to you.”

  “Your French friend?” she asked in surprise. She blushed as she took the note with his number.

  “He’s ten times better than Zeus…trust me.” I said rolling my eyes.

  Candace nodded rapidly but the rest of her body was stuck as she held on to the paper. “This is the first number I’d ever gotten.” She remarked.

  I laughed as I wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Welcome to the post-college life.” I said warmly.

  “Ms. Jones, may you come to my desk for a few moments.” Dr. Honsu asked as he finished with a student and settled behind his desk.

  “Yes sir.” I said grabbing my purse. I turned to Candace. “I’ll meet you down at Flamingsub.” I told her. She nodded and I turned to walk up to my godfather’s desk.

  “Yes.” I asked happily.

  Dr. Honsu looked up smiling. “You ready for you senior presentation tomorrow?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Yep…all set.” I said. “I already handed in everything; you’ve been on my butt about that remember.” I added jokingly.

  Dr. Honsu nodded. “How about the internships? Did you apply to any of the ones I sent you? Did you get any responses?” He asked.

  I smiled at him acting like a concerned parent. I nodded. “Yep. I even got a response from Jim Pear and Seth Grade…I guess somehow casually mentioning I was your goddaughter and your mentee put me at the top of the list.” I said happily.

  Dr. Honsu smiled broadly. “Well…in case you’re interested, I have another offer.”

  “I don’t know…” I said musing. “California with Mr. Jim Pear sounds really convincing.”

  Dr. Honsu chuckled. “I have a friend in Europe.”

  That grabbed my attention as I focused back on him. “Witherspoon Glass….he’s looking for an intern.” Dr. Honsu finished.

  My jaw dropped. “Wither---Witherspoon Glass!” I sputtered in shock. I think I’d finally died and was in some sort of photography heaven.

  “You know him?” Dr. Honsu asked casually.

  “What?” I exclaimed. “Who doesn’t know him?” I asked. “He’s like the best fucking photographer on the planet. He was your mentor. He worked for everything under the sun, from the Rolling Stones, to Time to National Geographic.” I said excitement laced in my voice.

  “So you’ve done your research.” Dr. Honsu said laughing. “Well we kept in contact. He’s looking for an intern this summer. I happened to mention my goddaughter. I took the liberty of sending him your senior portfolio and some of your other work.”

  I held on to his desk for support. I felt as though I could no longer breathe.

  “He’s really interested.” Dr. Honsu continued. “He said you had a good eye, and lots of emotions…he wouldn’t mind taking you under his wings.”

  I was unable to respond. I thought I was going to need shock therapy to recover.

  “But the catch is its two years as an intern following him all over Europe and then hopefully he hires you to work alongside but either way he’ll give you an amazing recommendation to wherever you want to work.” Dr. Honsu said. “But he needs you two weeks after you graduate.” He added.

  I took a deep breath and turned around to see that the class had emptied out. I finally allowed myself to squeal as I threw my hands in the air. “Oh my God, you gotta be kidding me!” I said loudly. “Don’t play with me like that….are you serious!” I demanded.

  “Is that a yes?” Dr. Honsu asked.

  I stared at him in disbelief. “That’s a fuck yeah!” I yelled. I ran over to his desk and wrapped my arms around his neck hugging him tight. “You’re the best person in the whole world!” I exclaimed. “I can’t believe this!” I let go of him and trembled as I saw Dr. Honsu. “I’m so happy.” I whispered as a tear fall down my cheek.

  Dr. Honsu smiled and gently rubbed my arm. “You deserve the best.” He said.

  I took a deep breath and wiped my face. “This is insane…this is like the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I said my shoulders shaking.

  “Hey, Hey…” Dr. Honsu said shaking my arm. “No crying….accept the offer and be the best.”

  I laughed and nodded. “Yes sir!”

  “Good.” He said going back to his desk. “Now get out, I have one more class before I prepare for the presentations.”

  I nodded rapidly. “Thank you…thank you…thank you godfather!” I exclaimed.

  Dr. Honsu chuckled as he fixed his desk. I twirled towards the door, feeling as though I was walking on clouds.

  “Ornelia.” Dr. Honsu said again.

  I turned around. “Yes.”

  “Yuri wants to know if you’re still on for dinner tonight.” He said not looking up from his portfolios. “She wants you to try her Korean BBQ. It’s to die for.”

  I nodded. “I’ll be there for sure.” I said happily. I walked out the classroom elated. My life was defiantly turning around for the better. I walked down the hallway practically floating. I did a little dance as I made my way down the stairs. This was the best news ever. I went down four flights of stairs and opened the door to find myself face to face with a gorgeous face.

  “Hey.” I said nervously. I hadn’t seen Andy in about two weeks. Not ever since I’d left his house wanting to dig a hole in the ground and disappear forever.

  Andy removed his big headphones and settled it around his neck. “Hey.” He replied softly. He shoved his hands in the back pockets of his grey skinnies and gave me a small smile.

  “Are you going upstairs?” I asked quickly as I propped the door further.

  “Uh…” Andy hesitated slightly. “Well, I was just walking.” He said rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “I don’t really have to go upstairs.”

  “Oh…okay.” I said stepping out and closing the door behind me. I adjusted my purse on my shoulder and looked up at him. It was weird making eye contact with him. I looked away. “SO…” I said smiling brightly. “My senior showcase is tomorrow if you want to stop by…” I said happily. “I’ll be showing my po
rtfolio and stuff like that…a lot of the band pictures made it in and two from our first project together.”

  Andy nodded. “Yeah cool.” He said running his fingers through his hair. “What time?” It seemed like Andy was trying to hold eye contact with me but I couldn’t do it. Every time I so much as glanced in his direction, I could feel his eyes boring into me.

  “5:00 p.m.” I said. I shook my head. “But if it interferes with band practice---”

  “No, I’ll come.” Andy said cutting me off. I looked up at him. “I mean…we’ll come…I’ll umm, I’ll tell the rest of the band.” He added nervously.

  I smiled. “That sounds great.” I unconsciously wet my bottom lip with my tongue.

  I watched his eyes travel slowly from my eyes down to lips and then back again to meet my eyes. I averted my gaze. I had to get away from him. Now I knew why people said it was bullshit to be friends with somebody you broke up with. Everything was just awkward after. I mean you’d seen this person naked, you’d done everything with them and now the simple act of looking at each other was uncomfortable. It was a strange sensation you couldn’t shake off.