by Ellen Joy
Lucy’s anger turned to panic. “What did you do?”
He dropped his head, not able to look at her. “I made a mistake.”
Lucy threw down his hand and ran up the staircase to her room, slamming her door. Adam leaned onto the kitchen stool, holding his head.
“Should I go and talk to her?” Michelle asked, completely clueless.
“No.” He could not believe this was his life. “How long, this time?”
“What?”
“How long do you really think you can stick around, this time?” his voice cut at her. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted her to hurt as bad as he and Lucy did right now.
But when he looked at her, he could see the regret and the remorse. She walked over to the living room and held onto the doorframe. “I hope, forever.”
“That’s such a classic Michelle answer. Never giving a real answer, just saying what others what to hear, but never any specifics. ‘I hope forever, but... I can’t make any promises.’ ”
“That’s because I’m sick of breaking promises!” she shouted, turning to face him. “I’m sick of breaking everyone’s hearts.”
“Oh, don’t give me that load of crap.” Adam didn’t want her to play the victim in all of this. “That little girl has been praying every night for you to return, and now that she’s not welcoming you with open arms, you can’t be certain of a timeline.”
“Because every second of every day, my body craves something that I can’t find.” She heaved in a breath. “And I have to fight, every minute of every day, to stop looking for it, but I don’t know if I can.”
Adam wanted to scream. He knew there was a sickness that haunted her mind. He just didn’t understand how she could let it control her. Let herself lose everything that mattered, hoping to find ... what?
“I know this is a lot for you.” She walked toward him, but kept her distance. “But I don’t think I can do it on my own.”
And that’s how they were different. Adam, no matter what it cost, always kept his promises.
“I DON’T WANT TO GO out on your lobster boat,” Elizabeth said from the front door, still in her pajamas. Matt wouldn’t hear any of her protests.
“The ocean air is exactly what you need.” He didn’t let up. “I won’t even talk to you. I’ll be doing my thing and you can just sit.”
“I’ll smell like chum all day.” Elizabeth shook her head. “No, I’d rather stay here with Joan.”
“Look, Elizabeth,” Matt said, stepping into the house.
“Come inside,” she mumbled sarcastically, gesturing toward the living room. She dragged her slippered feet as she walked behind him.
“You look terrible,” Matt said, gesturing up and down the length of her body.
“Thanks.” Elizabeth rolled her eyes.
“Come with me.”
“No.” She fell onto the couch, pulling a sleepy Joan onto her lap, unpausing The Golden Girls. At least they had each other.
Matt sat down and grabbed the remote out of her hands. “Get dressed. You’re going out on the boat.”
Elizabeth grabbed the remote back. “I’m watching the Girls.”
He stood up in front of the television, blocking her view. “I promise you’ll feel better on the boat than you will sitting around all day, feeling sorry for yourself.”
She crossed her arms. “I like feeling sorry for myself.”
Matt held out his hand for hers. “I have my breakfast sandwiches in the car.”
Ignoring his hand, Elizabeth sat for a minute thinking of his breakfast sandwiches. She tossed off the throw with a jerk, setting Joan on top of it. “I better not have to touch any fish.”
“You’ll thank me later, I promise.” Matt smiled at his win.
Elizabeth climbed heavily up the stairs. Her body felt as though there were weights attached to her legs and shoulders. Sweats seemed completely appropriate for a boat ride. Once she finally got dressed and came down to Matt’s truck, he handed over his famous breakfast sandwich, then patted her on the shoulder. “There’s nothing better than being out at sea to put things into perspective.”
She unwrapped the sandwich, but she wasn’t hungry. She set it on her lap as she looked out the truck’s window. A black truck drove past that looked just like Adam’s. She looked at the clock. Dr. Johnson would head to the farm soon. Anastasia didn’t have much time. Neither did Elizabeth, before she’d have to see Adam again.
Elizabeth’s head was so foggy, she barely noticed her brother had parked the truck and got out. She followed him to his boat. Matt jabbered away about how much better she’d feel once they reached the open water.
“Why did I have to come?” She pulled the orange pair of Grundens up to her waist, trying to figure out if they were backwards.
“Because I know what it’s like to have to figure things out.”
Elizabeth let out a long breath. Matt went inside the wheelhouse and did exactly what he promised. Left Elizabeth alone. She sat in the back, bouncing along the waves like she did when she was a little girl, riding in their grandfather’s boat with her brothers. She looked back at the harbor as Camden Cove grew smaller. She almost had it all, she thought.
Almost.
ADAM SAT IN HIS TRUCK, parked outside of the vet. He was going to go in, tell her everything. Even if Margie and Dr. Johnson, or whoever sat in the lobby, had to hear. He wasn’t leaving until she at least heard him out.
He stepped out and walked right up to the front door, swinging it harder than he intended, bouncing the bell against the glass and causing Margie and a young mother with two children to look up. Margie eyed him like an enemy of war as he walked up to the counter.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Cahill, how can I help you?” He could tell her politeness was feigned. She looked like she wanted to wring his neck.
“I was wondering if I could speak to Dr. Williams?” He spoke as formally as possible, clearly aware all eyes were on him.
“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come another time.” Margie narrowed her eyes, with a fake smile.
“I can wait. It’ll only take a minute,” Adam pleaded. “I promise.”
Creases appeared between Margie’s eyes as she leaned forward. “You can promise all you want, but you’ll have to come back. Dr. Williams isn’t here today.”
This surprised him. Elizabeth wasn’t at work? She always worked during the week. “She isn’t working?”
“She decided to take a day off,” Margie said, then gave him a look. “Don’t you think she deserves it?”
Her question was rhetorical, but he wanted to answer, tell her everything, so at least someone could explain to Elizabeth. But that would only be another way for him to dodge his responsibilities.
“Please tell her I stopped by.”
“Will do.” Margie kept her friendly tone, but she didn’t treat him the same as she had. He was the enemy. God, he hoped Elizabeth didn’t think of him as the enemy.
“I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU let a guy get you this upset before.” Matt sat on the back bench as the boat floated in the water, swaying side to side.
She shrugged. “I’ve never felt like this before.”
“Then why are you sitting around on a boat, and not talking to him?” Matt asked.
Elizabeth whipped her head around to face him, but she could tell he was teasing with the smirk on his face. “Because somebody made me come on this boat.”
“That’s because I thought you flaked on the guy, but this is clearly something different.”
She stood up and stood across from him where he bagged bait bags and pulled on a pair of rubber gloves. Without talking, she started stuffing herring into the bag. The slimy, slivery fish had to be better than talking about her feelings with her older brother.
“What’s the problem?”
Elizabeth sighed. “The problem is that I can’t trust him.”
“Is this Elizabeth finding fault in everyone, or did he really mess up?”
“He didn’t
tell me the whole truth about things.” She became annoyed for some reason. He of all people should understand relationship troubles. “If I can’t trust him, it’ll be just like Mark and me.”
Matt processed the information. “Adam’s a liar and a cheater, too?”
“It was about Lucy’s mother. He didn’t tell me the whole story.” Elizabeth suddenly wanted to defend Adam’s actions. She knew Matt would never like a man who hurt his little sister. “He’s trying to get full custody and kept information about it all from me.”
“Why do you think he lied?” he asked.
“I don’t know, Dr. Phil,” she said, tying up the bag and throwing it with the rest. Seagulls screamed above hoping for a slip of a fish. She looked out toward the shoreline. A hard line separated Maine’s granite shore by the pine green forest, and beyond was Adam’s farm. “You’d have to ask him.”
Matt pulled on his cap’s rim, covering his eyes from the sun. “Have you talked to him?”
“No.”
“Then it sounds like you have a bigger problem.”
“What’s that?”
“You.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You’re moping around your house like the Walking Dead. You’ve been checking your phone every five minutes. You clearly don’t think he lied for anything shady.” Matt made a face. “You’re being Elizabeth.”
“What?” she dumped out her bait bag. “I’m ‘being Elizabeth’.”
“You find reasons for your relationship not to work out.”
“Well, at least I’m not beating it like a dead horse.”
His face twitched. “Ouch.”
“Sorry,” she said quickly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No,” he shook his head. “I know.”
“Then why stay? I mean, I know there’s a baby involved, but why?” Elizabeth thought about Adam’s troubles. “Children make things way more complicated, I guess.”
Matt leaned against the tank. “Justine lost the baby a couple days ago.”
“What?” Elizabeth dropped her bag of bait. “Are you okay?”
“Not really.”
Elizabeth suddenly felt very sorry for the way they had been treating Justine. “I’m really sorry.”
He shrugged. “It’s making things much more complicated.”
Elizabeth nodded. She wouldn’t push it. “Would you go back, and do it all over?”
“Heck, yeah. You can’t survive if all you do is hold your breath.”
Elizabeth nodded as she looked out, the sun sparkling off the water. Adam’s actions hadn’t been malicious; he just kept part of his life private. Maybe she needed to consider why he didn’t tell her. Maybe she should talk to him.
“You know,” Elizabeth picked up the bait bag and began stuffing again, “you’d be really good at advice columns. You could do it for a side job, when you’re not fishing in the winter. We could call you Dr. Matt.”
“Let’s drop these pots, so you can get back.”
Elizabeth continued to help, the labor clearing her mind. By the time they dropped the pots into the water, her whole body ached, but it was an ache that made her appreciate the work she did.
She hugged her older, wiser brother as he dropped her off back at her house. “Thank you.”
Matt smiled and tapped his head with his finger. “It’s all about perspective.”
“I’m really sorry about the baby.”
Matt nodded. “We’ll be okay.”
Elizabeth ran inside to take a shower and get rid of the smell of herring. She didn’t bother to dry her hair, instead she threw it up and got into her car and headed out to the farm; down Stonebridge Trail, and then onto Smith Sanborn Road. As she pulled up, the only car in the driveway was the white sports car from the other day. Lucy’s mother was still there.
Perspective, she heard Matt say in her head.
She had formulated what she was going to say in her head. But now, with the car still there, she couldn’t remember what she planned. She hadn’t expected the car to still be at his house.
She stopped and looked, wishing she had texted first before showing up, when the familiar woman stepped out of the barn. She was tall. Her brown hair shone like satin in the sun. Elizabeth noticed that Lucy had her eyes. She wore an outfit you’d find at one of those fancy boutiques in the city.
“Adam and Lucy aren’t here,” she said to Elizabeth. As she walked closer, she reached out her hand. “I’m Michelle.”
Elizabeth moved slowly toward her. “Hello, I’m Elizabeth.”
“Dr. Elizabeth, I hear,” she said.
Elizabeth suddenly felt foolish to think he was still pining after her. Michelle was Lucy’s mother, the woman whose child he had agreed to raise. Plus, Elizabeth hated to compare herself to this stranger, but her striking appearance didn’t help. She looked like she could be on a cover of a magazine.
“I should go.” Elizabeth stepped back toward the truck.
“Didn’t you come to check the animals?” she asked. “I think the horse is about to go into labor soon.”
“Did Lucy notice any changes?” Elizabeth hadn’t received updates from Lucy all day.
“No, I don’t think so.” She shaded her eyes from the sun. “But the horse seems restless. It reminds me of when I went into labor with Lucy.”
Michelle stared off into the distance, and suddenly was somewhere other than on the farm. Elizabeth waited for her attention to return, then said, “I’ll head to the barn to check on Anastasia.”
Michelle smiled, but it faded quickly. “Great.”
Anastasia stood in the stall, by the back corner.
“How’s it going, momma?” Elizabeth asked Anastasia, suddenly realizing how much she missed the horse, the barn, the farm, and the people in it. She tried to get into the zone, to get her thoughts under control in front of this woman from Adam’s past, and rubbed her hands down the horse’s stomach, pressing around the foal.
“She’s close, but I don’t see any waxing as of yet.” Elizabeth pointed to Anastasia’s belly. “You’ll notice changes because she’ll be getting ready to milk. You really want to see the loosening of the muscles around the tail head. But all of that could happen days before the birth.”
She couldn’t stop the rambling as Michelle stood there saying nothing. She felt like a fool for even coming. Michelle was the missing link at the farm. Not Elizabeth.
“So, tell them if there are any changes, to call the clinic.” Elizabeth patted Anastasia and headed back to her truck, hoping that Adam wouldn’t show up before she left.
“Dr. Elizabeth!” Michelle yelled from the barn, just as Elizabeth reached the vehicle. She looked back. “Thank you for being there for Lucy.”
Elizabeth recognized the look in Michelle’s eyes, like she did when she saw an abused animal being rescued, a combination of gratitude and hope.
“You’re welcome.”
That’s when Elizabeth knew what she needed to do. She needed to let go of Adam for Lucy’s sake, because Lucy didn’t need a fairy godmother, she needed her mother.
Twenty-one
By the next day, Adam still hadn’t heard from Elizabeth. Except for her visit to the farm that Michelle told him about, she had completely cut him off.
“Did she ask to talk to me?” Adam asked Michelle again, as she played with the puppies on the kitchen floor.
“No, but she looked uneasy, like she wasn’t sure if she should be here.” Michelle held one of the puppies up in the air, then kissed its wrinkled face. “They’re so sweet.”
“What did you say to her?”
She put the puppy down with its siblings. She thought about it. He felt like a teenager with girl problems.
Michelle shrugged. “I thanked her.”
“You thanked her?” Adam was curious.
“For being there for Lucy.”
“Oh.” Adam turned the information around in his head. “Did you talk about anything else?”
; “I told you already. She checked the horse and left.”
For the rest of the day, he kept replaying everything in his head, trying to put the pieces together, but as he lay on the air mattress in the barn praying for signs of labor in Anastasia, he wondered how he could ever get Elizabeth to listen to him. He held up his phone, a bluish light illuminated the stall and made the silence from her even colder.
By morning, he felt worse, and now without any sleep. He dragged himself up, cranked Anastasia’s stall open, and escorted her to the field. The mare glided through the barn, but she moved more slowly than usual. She also didn’t walk to her grassy spot under the maple tree, but stuck by his side, even when he walked back into the barn to check the food and water buckets. When he turned around, she stood behind him. She breathed heavily out of her nose, and he could feel it on his neck.
“You, okay, girl?” he asked, looking into her eyes. She hadn’t shown much affection toward Adam before. He stood still as she sniffed his face, so close her whiskers tickled. Then she stepped closer and for a just a short moment, she rested her head on his shoulder and slowly leaned her face on his. He didn’t move, not wanting it to end, but gently leaned into her neck.
Adam had had connections with animals before, but this was different. Then, as quickly as it came, the moment was over. She walked back out to the field, to her grassy spot, and lay down. He stood frozen in place, not believing what just happened. The sun glistened on the morning dew on every blade of grass. He couldn’t wait to tell Lucy.
He jogged into the house and up the stairs. He needed to wake Lucy for school. Though it was her idea to spend the night in the barn in the first place, she somehow always managed to sleep in her own bed. When he walked into her room, he jumped when he saw Michelle sitting in the rocking chair, watching her. She quickly wiped her face, but the wet streaks down her cheek could still be seen.
As upset as he was with Michelle, in truth he couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She missed some of the best times with Lucy. Worse, she didn’t know how amazing her own daughter was. She had missed Christmases, birthdays, her first day of school, the first time she rode a bike or a horse. She missed the first lost tooth, and the first broken arm. She missed it all.