Risking It All

by Nina Darnton

  24

  It amazed her how quickly her mind adapted to her new circumstances. By the next morning, she had already noticed that words like “divorce,” “custody,” “lawyer,” “child support,” “alimony,” words that belonged to strangers, or unlucky friends or movies or books, suddenly had become her personal vocabulary. It also surprised her how ignorant she was. She had no idea what her rights were or where to start. She was so shocked that Jeff, who in her view should be begging for forgiveness, was instead threatening her in such an ugly way. Sue her for custody of Griffin? Was he kidding? Her anger overcame her despair. How dare he? But that thought was quickly followed by another. Could he? Were Danny’s problems at home and at school really enough to convince a judge that he would hurt Griffin or even be a bad influence on him? She needed advice and she needed it fast. Not just the advice the therapist could give, she thought. She needed a lawyer. She had a few friends who had been through divorces, though she hadn’t seen much of them in the past year. The first person she thought of was Marian, her college roommate for her first three years, who lived in Brooklyn.

  Marian had lived with Collin, her steady boyfriend, during her senior year. They seemed a perfect match and everyone assumed they’d marry. When they did, right after graduation, Marcia was maid of honor. Their first child, Jared, was born just seven months after the ceremony and their second, Lizzie, came two years later. They asked Marcia to be godmother to Jared. She tried to explain that she was a poor choice for that particular role because she wasn’t religious, but Marian smiled and said, “Neither am I. You know that. I just want him to have a special relationship with you, like an aunt.”

  “You want me to be the maiden aunt?” she’d joked.

  “Well, for now. Until you get married. Then you can just be the crotchety one.”

  “Okay. I accept. I’m honored. Thank you.”

  She’d seen a lot of the family and always remembered both children’s birthdays as well as adding them to her family gift list for Christmas and Chanukah. When she decided to marry Jeff, Marian was the first friend she told. They saw less of each other once Marcia married, however. She was busy with her job and her new husband, and Marian was overwhelmed with the obligations of work, a husband who travelled a lot and two young children. But they did still occasionally invite each other to dinner. Sometimes Marian and Collin would get a babysitter and they’d all go out to a concert or a show together, but the couple was so consumed with parenthood that their conversation consisted almost exclusively about their children’s triumphs and disappointments—mostly triumphs; the disappointments were usually with others: teachers, schools, parents of playmates. As Marcia tried and failed to get pregnant, she couldn’t help feeling envious and that led to feeling critical of Marian’s apparent lack of other interests, as well as her insensitivity to Marcia’s infertility. They had started to drift apart. By the time Marcia decided to try surrogacy, she and Marian were more cordial than close. Marcia was still invited and still attended the children’s lavish birthday parties, and she considered Marian her friend, but they rarely phoned each other just to chat, as they had in the old days. Marcia did tell her what she was doing with Eve, but Marian, while encouraging and excited for her, had her own problems by then. She told Marcia that she and Collin had separated and were planning to divorce. The news shocked and saddened Marcia. It also made her realize how distant she had become from Marian—she hadn’t even known they were having serious problems. She tried to support her through the divorce, calling her more often and spending time on the phone listening to her anger and despair. And Marian had tried to reciprocate, asking questions about Eve, the pregnancy and how Jeff was reacting. But Marcia was closer to Grace at that point and tended to confide more in her about anything having to do with the surrogacy, and Marian was so unhappy, she didn’t reach out as much as she might. When the tragedy happened, Marcia relied more on Grace than on Marian, who was involved by then in a fierce custody battle with Collin, which she eventually won.

  Now Marcia needed her expertise. She decided to call her at work and set a date to see her. She looked up the number on her phone and was relieved when Marian herself answered.

  “Hey, Marian, it’s Marcia. What happened to your secretary?”

  “She’s getting coffee. I’m glad to hear from you. How are you?”

  “Not great. I don’t want to bother you at work, but I need to talk to you pretty urgently.”

  “Yeah, of course. Let’s make a date. Just tell me quickly what’s up.”

  “I need the name of a divorce lawyer.”

  “For you and Jeff?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh God. I’m so sorry. Listen, the kids are with Collin tonight. Why don’t I just come over after work?”

  Relief flooded in. “Would you, Marian?” She felt herself tearing up. “That would be so good. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I know. I know just what you’re feeling. I’ll leave early. I can get there by five-thirty.”

  “I don’t know how to thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me. See you later.”

  “But wait. I think it would be better if we met at the restaurant down the block—I don’t want Danny to hear us. I can ask Berta to stay late tonight.”

  “Whatever you want,” Marian answered. “Where is it?”

  “It’s right around the corner near my building, on Broadway. I’ll text the address.”

  “Okay. I’ll be there.”

  Somehow Marcia got through the rest of the day. She was supposed to be at the office but had called in sick and said she’d work at home. Danny had gotten up early, dressed and taken his own breakfast, some Cheerios and milk, by the time she came into the kitchen to brew her coffee. She looked at him questioningly.

  “I’m ready for school,” he said.

  She shook her head. “It doesn’t work that way, Danny. You left without permission. The school heard that a policeman stopped you. You were accused of canvassing a store to steal a jacket. You don’t just clean up and arrive for school like nothing happened. I’m not sure you’ll ever be allowed back in that school.”

  He sat down heavily on a kitchen chair, his legs spread wide, his shoulders slumped. He shrugged. “So what do I do? Where do I go?”

  He sounded so helpless, so like the child he was that she softened. “I don’t know. But we’ll find out. I’ll talk to the principal and if he won’t let you back, we’ll just have to start at the public school earlier than we planned. You’ll be okay.” She was bustling around the kitchen as she talked, preparing breakfast for Griffin.

  “Are you going to send me home?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean back to L.A.”

  She stopped scrambling the eggs, shocked and saddened by the question. She turned to face him.

  “Of course not. This is your home now, Danny.”

  “I know. But where do I go if I can’t stay here?”

  “You’ll be okay, Danny. I don’t know what exactly is going to happen yet, but I won’t let anything bad happen to you. Can you trust me on that?” She sat next to him and took his hands in hers and he didn’t pull away. But he didn’t answer either.

  “Since you’ve come here, I’ve tried hard to never let you down, Danny, and I promise I never will. You have to trust me.”

  He nodded briskly without looking at her.

  “Now, here are some eggs. Eat them and then you can go play on your iPad or build with your Legos or something.” She smiled at him. “You might even try reading one of the books I bought you.”

  “Those eggs are for Griffin. I had cereal.”

  “Okay. Then you can go.”

  When he left, she covered her face with her hands and rubbed her eyes. She heard Griffin stirring and went to get him. By the time Berta arrived, Marcia had changed and fed him, and Danny had come out of his room to see him. They were happily playing on the living room floor. Marcia had showered and was dressin
g when Berta knocked on her bedroom door to tell her that a call had come from the principal’s office. His secretary left a message for Marcia to come over as soon as possible. She knew this must be his final expulsion, but she had to play it out. She told Berta to be sure Danny stayed at home until she got back and she left.

  She had been right. Her meeting was brief and to the point. Danny was out. He had forfeited his right to stay until the end of the school year. The principal suggested she contact the neighborhood public school, which was obligated to take him, and they would forward his records when she told them he was registered. He was sorry. He continued to talk but she had stopped listening and finally she left. She had a brief impulse to call Jeff, but what would be the point of that? Instead, she hailed a cab and headed for the neighborhood school. She had already done some research for September and she had entered the lottery for a charter school, hoping he could get into the Success Academy on West Eighty-fourth Street, but it was too late for that now. Maybe he could transfer in September, she thought, if he was lucky enough to get in. The cab stopped in front of an unprepossessing building, one of the large redbrick structures built early in the last century that still housed several of New York’s public schools. Inside, the linoleum floors were polished to a high gloss and the walls were covered with the brightly colored artwork of the students. She didn’t stop to admire them, though she noticed that many were good. She found the right office, told the receptionist why she was there and was given some forms to fill out. She’d have to return them with Danny’s birth certificate, proof of residence and health records, she was told, and he’d be in. No interviews, no tests, no recommendations required. She said a silent thank-you to the New York public school system. He could start the next day. She was so relieved. At least that was settled.

  She asked if she could look around and was told she could. A secretary in the front office suggested that Marcia bring Danny in that very day so they could both see the school together. Marcia loved that idea. She called Danny at home, told him where the school was located, and asked him to meet her in front of the building. “Look nice,” she reminded him. “We’re going to visit your new school.” She asked if he could find it by himself and he assured her he could. He was proud that she suggested he come on his own and didn’t offer to pick him up. It was a short walk away, and easy to figure out the route, so it wasn’t long before he showed up in front of the building and hesitantly walked inside. Marcia was waiting near the door and greeted him. He had dressed in jeans and a blue turtleneck she had given him. He looked fine, and she realized how relieved he must be to not wear the Claremont school uniform. She showed him into the office of the secretary who had volunteered to accompany them. He looked nervous but resolute, and she was impressed at his bravery.

  Danny would be entering sixth grade so they were taken to see his classroom. The first thing that struck her was the diversity of the students. It was a large class, maybe thirty kids instead of the fourteen in his class at Claremont, but they were all colors and ethnicities. There was a wide array of dress styles, but most of the kids were wearing comfortable clothes, much like the way Danny was dressed. The teacher was an elderly African-American woman who looked to be in her sixties. She nodded pleasantly as they entered and listened as the secretary explained that Danny would be joining the class. Smiling warmly at them, the teacher indicated a few empty seats in the back, and continued talking to her students. Marcia observed them. Some turned full around to stare at Danny. Some listened attentively to the teacher. Some whispered to each other. Some passed notes. Some looked like they were daydreaming. Some were engaging with the teacher in a lively discussion about Ellis Island. The teacher explained how immigrants used to have to pass through there to be processed before being allowed into the United States. She emphasized that America had always been a country of immigrants who had made many contributions to the nation. She asked how many of the students had parents who had come to the U.S. as immigrants. A few hesitated and looked a little nervous, but many hands shot up. Marcia glanced at Danny, wondering if this subject would upset him but he was leaning forward, listening, interested. Then the teacher asked how many were immigrants themselves and a few tentatively raised their hands. Maybe this would be better for Danny, she thought. Maybe he’d fit in. After a few more minutes, the secretary led them out and the teacher stopped briefly to tell Danny she looked forward to seeing him in class the next day. Marcia felt optimistic when they left.

  “What did you think?” she asked Danny.

  “It was okay,” he said. He shrugged. “I didn’t know if I should raise my hand when she asked if anyone’s parents came here as immigrants. I mean, my dad did, but then he went back and he never made it back again and anyway he wasn’t legal.”

  “I don’t think all the kids who raised their hands have parents who are legal either,” she answered. She paused “I was thinking the teacher seemed pretty nice,” she continued.

  He nodded. He didn’t look so nervous anymore.

  “Are you hungy?” she asked. He was, so they stopped at a luncheonette and she ordered a tuna fish sandwich and a cup of coffee for herself and a burger and fries for him. He seemed uncomfortable and she found it hard to make conversation, but she could tell that at least his first impression of his new school wasn’t negative.

  In her concern for Danny, she had stopped obsessing over Jeff, however briefly, but now her mind circled back to Jeff and centered on herself: her loss, her anger, her fear. She had made an appointment to see Dr. Benson and she started to think about what she wanted to discuss with him. She asked Danny if he wanted her to go home with him before she went out to do some errands, but he insisted he’d prefer to go alone, so she allowed it.

  An hour later she sat in Dr. Benson’s office. After listening to her relate the latest developments, he said, “It seems to me that you are trying to separate you and Jeff and what’s going on with your marriage from Danny and what’s going on with him,” he said. “But you can’t separate them. They’re linked.”

  She uncrossed her legs and leaned toward him, shifting forward in her seat and planting both feet firmly in front of her. “I know they are, at least partially. But it’s more than that. It’s that Jeff isn’t who I thought he was. I’ve lost so much respect for him in so many ways. He’s weak, he’s deceitful, he’s lacking in compassion. Now he threatens me with divorce, suing me for custody of Griffin, for God’s sake, just to get his way, to get rid of Danny, a child who lost so much and has so little.” She shook her head, making her hair swing over her face, and then brushed it away. “To make that helpless boy his enemy.” She paused and waited for the enormity of this to sink in. “I mean, what’s wrong with him? How could I have been so mistaken in him? In a way that’s what bothers me the most. That I could have chosen so badly, could have been so stupid.”

  “He might argue that fighting to protect Griffin isn’t weakness but strength.”

  “Protect him from what?” she exploded. “That’s my point. Protect him from some specter he invented. Surely not from a twelve-year-old boy who loves Griffin, who would do anything for him.”

  “I see how angry you are, Marcia,” he said. “So before we go on, I want to ask you a question. What do you want to happen here? Do you want to divorce Jeff, work out a custody arrangement? Or, as bad as you now say he is, do you want to repair your marriage?”

  “Only if it can be repaired. I can forgive his affair. I hate it, but I can overcome it if he renounces her and recommits to his family. But if he continues this persecution of Danny, I can’t go on. If I have to fight him, I will. I just don’t know if he has any chance of carrying through on his threat to sue for custody.”

  “For that, you need a lawyer. My job is to help you define for yourself what you want and what is the best outcome for Danny.”

  “Well, what is the best outcome for him? It can’t be good for him to feel this hostility and suspicion.”

  “No. Nor to thin
k he is the cause of the problems between you and Jeff, the reason for your divorce and unhappiness.”

  She couldn’t sit still a moment longer. She got up apologetically, but he didn’t seem to mind, and paced around the room before she spoke. “So what do I do?” she asked. “What is the solution to all this?”

  “Do you want to try again with Jeff?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. I somehow can’t believe the Jeff I fell in love with isn’t in there somewhere. It’s like he’s been taken over by someone else.”

  “That’s not an uncommon feeling when people are estranged. He’s probably feeling the same way about you.”

  She stiffened. “Well, you’ve heard the whole story. What do you think I should do?”

  “I think it might be a good idea to send Danny to summer camp in July. It would give you and Jeff a chance to work this out on your own. You might find a way to reignite some of your old feelings for each other. And it would be good for Danny to get away from all this as well. I could recommend several camps that specialize in children who are struggling and need a break.”

  “Are they therapeutic camps? I mean, are there doctors and psychologists on the staff?”

  “Yes. But the one I like best has the main goal of giving the boys a happy summer. Sometimes that’s the best therapy there is.”

  She shrugged. “Well, right now, Jeff isn’t even living at home. I don’t know where he is. Maybe he’s moved in with his girlfriend. And it’s March. There would be three more months before camp started. I don’t know what we’d do until then and he didn’t sound like he was ready to negotiate.” She sat down again, dejected. “Maybe it’s hopeless and I should just get a lawyer.”

  “I think that’s something you should do in any case. And the sooner the better.”

  She nodded. That was a subject she would take up with Marian.

  25

  Marian arrived at five-thirty sharp, a surprise because Marian was one of those people who is habitually late. At school her friends referred to real time and “Marian time,” which was like a clock that always ran a predictable half hour slow. She hadn’t changed in all the years Marcia had known her. She had gained a few pounds since Marcia had seen her last but she still didn’t wear any makeup, and her olive skin was as smooth and flawless as ever. Her early arrival was the first sign that Marian viewed this problem, quite correctly, in Marcia’s view, as of the first order, needing the emergency services of a dedicated old friend. There were many other indications of how seriously Marian took the news. First there was her compassionate, longer-than-usual hug and her head-shaking and virtual hand-wringing. Then there was the fact that she called over the waiter and ordered wine even before she took off her coat. Finally, when both women, glasses in hand, had taken their first sips, Marian leaned forward.