The New York City Bartender's Joke Book

by Jimmy Pritchard

  “Yes, Maggie,” I said, “I’d love to put my arm around you. How could you tell?”

  “From the twinkle in your eyes,” she said.

  So we walked along the glen, arms around each other; the mist was rising, the moon was full, and the bagpipes were droning in the distance. She stopped and looked at me with her beautiful green eyes and said, “You’d like to kiss me, wouldn’t ya?”

  “Oh yes, Maggie,” I said, “I’d love to kiss you. How could you tell?”

  “From the twinkle in your eyes,” she said.

  And we kissed! We kissed long and we kissed deep and we kissed passionately. And of all the kisses throughout history, it had to be the number one kiss of all time!

  As the mist rose, the moon shone, and the bagpipes droned in the distance, she pulled away slightly and looked at me with those beautiful green eyes and said, “You’d like to bed me down now, wouldn’t ya?”

  “Oh yes, Maggie I’d love to bed you down! You could tell that from the twinkle in my eyes?”

  With a twinkle in her own eyes she said, “No, from the tilt in yer kilt!”

  Why do Canadians like to have sex doggy style?

  So they both can watch the hockey game.

  Did you hear about the guy who divorced his

  wife because she wouldn’t do it doggy style?

  She refused to go out on the front lawn.

  God wants to go on vacation, but he’s not sure where to go, so he asks St. Peter for some suggestions. St. Peter says, “Mercury. Why don’t you go to Mercury for your vacation?”

  “No,” answers God. “I’m not going to Mercury. I was there two million years ago and I got the worst sunburn ever. I couldn’t move for a week, no amount of lotions or creams helped. No, it’s too hot there and I’ll never go back.”

  “Pluto,” responds St. Peter, eager to please. “Why don’t you go to Pluto?”

  “Forget it!” retorts God. “I went to Pluto one million years ago and got frostbitten so bad I almost lost my toes! No, it’s too cold there, I’ll never go back.”

  “I’ve got it!” St. Peter exclaims. “Earth, why don’t you go to Earth for your vacation?”

  “What are you, nuts?” God fumes. “I was there two thousand years ago and they’re still giving me shit for knocking up that Jewish chick!”

  Did you hear about the four-passenger airplane

  that crashed in a Polish cemetery?

  So far they have recovered three

  hundred bodies.

  An old guy walks into St. Patrick’s Cathedral and stands in line for confession. Finally it is his turn and he enters the confessional and sits down. The priest asks, “How can I help you, my son?”

  The guy says, “I just had sex with two beautiful eighteen-year-old twin girls!”

  “When was the last time you were in church to confess your sins?” asked the priest.

  “Well,” says the guy, “I’ve never been to church. In fact, I’m Jewish.”

  “Then why are you telling me this?” asks the priest.

  “Are you kidding me?” yells the guy. “I’m telling everybody!”

  Three dogs, two mutts and a German shepherd, are at the ASPCA. The first mutt asks the second mutt, “What are you doing here?”

  “Well,” replies the second mutt, “I got a little antsy one day, so I dug a hole under the fence and ran around the neighborhood. It was a beautiful day and I was having fun when I caught a scent in the air, so I followed it. I ended up in the backyard of a beautiful collie, a breeding collie, with papers no less. I couldn’t resist it, so I jumped over the fence and mounted her. A few months later she has puppies, her owner says something to my owner, and he brings me here to have my nuts cut.”

  “Oh,” says the first mutt.

  The second mutt asks the first mutt, “What are you doing here?”

  The first mutt says, “Well, I’m a horny kind of dog. My master comes home, I hump his leg. His wife comes home, I hump her leg. The children come home, I’m humping their legs. Tables, chairs, anything with legs, I’m humping it. So my owner brought me here to get my nuts cut.”

  “Oh,” says the second mutt.

  They both look at the German shepherd and in unison ask, “What are you doing here?”

  The German shepherd says, “Well, my owner is a tall, unbelievably gorgeous blonde. She’s taking a shower one day and I happen to be in the bathroom. She steps out of the shower, dripping wet. She bends over to pick up the towel, and I see a sight that I cannot resist! So I mount her!”

  “Oh, so you’re here to get your nuts cut too,” says one of the mutts.

  “Hell, no!” snorts the German shepherd. “I’m here for a manicure!”

  Why do dogs lick their balls?

  Because they can.

  or

  Because they want to.

  or

  Because no one else will.

  or

  Because they can’t make a fist.

  or

  To get the taste of mailmen out of their mouth.

  How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

  Suck his dick.

  Two golfers are on the sixteenth tee when, out of the clear blue, they are both hit by the same lightning bolt and die. They arrive in heaven and are greeted by St. Peter, who looks through the Big Admittance Book and sees that no golfers are due on that day and realizes that there has been a mistake.

  “Look,” St. Peter says apologetically, “there has been a terrible mistake. You weren’t supposed to die yet, and to make it up to you, I’m authorized to send you back to Earth as anything you want.”

  One golfer jumps at the chance and says, “I want to go back as a lesbian!”

  The other golfer says, “What the hell do you want to go back as a lesbian for?”

  The golfer smiles and says, “Because, my friend, I’ll get all the pussy I want and I can hit from the red tees!”

  Two lesbian frogs are having sex when one says to the other, “Hey, they’re right, we do taste like chicken!”

  A boy asks his father for help with his homework. Being a good father, he turns off the television, puts his newspaper down and says, “Sure, Son, how can I help you?”

  The boy says, “I’m having a hard time finding the difference between ‘theoretically’ and ‘realistically.’”

  The father thinks for a minute and then says, “Son, I want you to go to your mother’s room and ask her if she will have sex with any man for one million dollars.”

  The boy goes to his mother’s room. He returns two minutes later and says, “Yeah, Mom says she will have sex with any man for one million dollars.”

  The father then says, “Now, I want you to go to your sister’s room and ask her the same question.”

  The boy goes to his sister’s room. He returns two minutes later and says, “Yeah, Sister says she will have sex with any man for one million dollars, too.”

  The father says, “Son, ‘theoretically,’ we are millionaires. ‘Realistically,’ we are living with a couple of whores!”

  Yeah, right, just reverse it and ask any man if he’ll sleep with any woman for one million dollars and ninety-nine percent of the male population will say, “Hell, I’ll sleep with any woman for free!” The other one percent are dead.

  What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

  “Are, like, all you guys on the same team?”

  A duck walks into the local pharmacy, waddles up to the counter, and says, “Hey, I need a condom!”

  The pharmacist says, “Sure, do you want me to put it on your bill?”

  The duck says, “What do you think I am, a weirdo?!”

  What do you call a dog with no legs?

  Nothing—he can’t come when you call

  him anyway.

  A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender, and says, “Hey, you got any duck food?”

  The bartender looks at the duck and says, “No, I don’t got any duck food. Now get outta her
e, beat it.”

  The next day, the duck walks back into the same bar and says, “Hey, you got any duck food?”

  The bartender says, “Look, I told you yesterday, I don’t have any duck food! Get outta here, beat it, scram, and don’t come back!”

  The next day the duck walks back into the same bar and says, “Hey, you got any duck food?”

  The bartender says, “Listen, if you come back here one more time, I’m going to get a handful of nails and I’m going to nail your web feet right to the floor where you’re standing! I don’t have any duck food, never did have any duck food, and I’m not going to get any duck food, ever! Now beat it, scram, get outta here, and don’t ever come back!”

  The next week the duck walks back into the same bar and says to the bartender, “Hey, you got any nails?”

  “No,” says the bartender, “I don’t got any nails.”

  The duck says, “You got any duck food?”

  How do you say hello to a duck?

  “Hello, duck!”

  Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the Vatican. After a while, one nun says, “Hey, I never came this way before.”

  The other nun says, “Yeah, I know. It’s the cobblestones!”

  Three nuns are sitting on a bench in Central Park, New York City. All of a sudden, a man wearing a trench coat flashes all three of them!

  The first nun had a stroke! The second nun had a stroke!

  The third nun couldn’t reach!

  A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a martini. He downs the martini, opens his suit coat, and looks in the pocket. He orders another martini, finishes it, and looks in his pocket again. He orders another, downs it, and looks in his pocket a third time.

  The bartender has been watching the guy and his curiosity gets the best of him. He asks, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket after each drink?”

  The guy says, “I have a picture of my wife, and when she looks good I go home.”

  How are martinis like a woman’s breasts?

  One is not enough and three are too many.

  An old man walks into a pizza parlor and tells the kid behind the counter, “I’d like a prune pizza.”

  The kid says, “What?”

  “Prunes,” the old man says. “Do you have any prunes?”

  The kid says, “Yeah, we have prunes.”

  “Then,” says the old man, “give me a prune pizza!”

  The kid says, “Do you want that to go?”

  The old man scowls and says, “Why else would I want it?!”

  Did you hear about the guy who took Viagra,

  but it got stuck in his throat?

  He had a stiff neck all night.

  A middle-aged couple get married and are in the honeymoon suite when the bride takes off her clothes and says to her new husband, “Honey, I have to warn you. I have acute angina.”

  The husband looks at her and says, “Your tits aren’t bad either!”

  What’s the difference between ignorance

  and indifference?

  I don’t know and I don’t care!

  A drunk tries to enter a bar, but the doorman stops him and says, very politely, “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t come in without a tie.”

  He staggers back to his car and fumbles through the glove compartment. He finds thread, string, and duct tape. No tie. So he lurches back to the trunk of the car and pulls out the jumper cables. He puts the cables around his neck and ties a nice Windsor knot. He walks back to the bar and right up to the doorman.

  The doorman looks at him and the jumper cables around his neck and says, “All right, you can come in, but don’t start anything!”

  What’s the difference between a drunk and

  an alcoholic?

  We don’t have to go to those dopey meetings!

  A drunk walks into a bar. He receives five stitches.

  Mrs. O’Reilly comes home from the doctor’s office and tells her husband, “Paddy, the doctor says that I’m pregnant.”

  Paddy says, “That can’t be! We’ve been very careful!”

  She says, “I know, Paddy, but to be sure, he wants me to come back tomorrow with a sample.”

  “Well,” says Paddy, “what’s a sample?”

  “I don’t know what a sample is,” she says. “I didn’t want the doctor to think I was dumb, so I didn’t ask him.”

  Paddy says, “Go ask Mrs. O’Brian what a sample is, she has twelve kids, she might know.”

  So Mrs. O’Reilly goes down the street to Mrs. O’Brian’s house. A half hour later she comes back with a black eye, missing teeth, and her clothes torn and ripped. Paddy sees her and says, “What the hell happened?”

  “Well, Paddy,” she says. “I went to Mrs. O’Brian’s house like you said and I asked her what a sample was and she told me to piss in a cup and I told her to shit in her handbag and the fight was on!”

  Three debutantes are in a car driving around in the South. They pass a beautiful horse farm with beautiful green pastures, beautiful white fences, and beautiful white stables with beautiful horses. The debutante in the backseat says, “My daddy bought me this beautiful horse farm for graduating high school!”

  The debutante in the passenger seat says, “Oooooooh!”

  The debutante that’s driving says, “That’s nice.”

  After a while, they pass a beautiful golf course, hotel, and casino. The debutante in the passenger seat says, “My daddy bought me this beautiful golf course, hotel, and casino for graduating high school!”

  The debutante in the backseat says, “Ooooooh!”

  The debutante that’s driving says, “That’s nice.”

  The debutante in the backseat asks the debutante that’s driving, “What did your daddy buy you for graduating high school?”

  The debutante that’s driving says, “My daddy is of limited means and all he gave me was advice.”

  The debutante in the front seat asks the debutante driving, “What was the advice your daddy gave you for graduating high school?”

  The debutante that’s driving says, “My daddy always told me to say ‘That’s nice’ instead of saying ‘Go fuck yourself!’”

  What’s the difference between a blonde

  and a mosquito?

  A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

  Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy sees a bar across the street and says to the other guy, “What do you say we go in that bar for a cold beer?”

  The other guy says, “Forget it! They will never let us in with our dogs.”

  “Listen,” says the first guy. “Watch what I do and repeat what I say and I guarantee that we will be in that bar, with our dogs, drinking an ice-cold beer.”

  He puts his sunglasses on, takes his dog by the leash, and walks across the street. Just as he gets to the bar, the doorman says, “Sorry, no dogs allowed.”

  “Oh, this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the guy.

  Very apologetically, the doorman opens the door and lets the guy in with his dog.

  The guy across the street smiles, puts his sunglasses on, takes his dog by the leash, and walks to the bar. The doorman stops him and says, “Sorry, no dogs allowed.”

  The guy says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”

  The doorman looks at the dog and says, “Since when do they have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs?”

  Not missing a beat, the guy says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

  How can you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

  It’s not hard.

  Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

  The one who can carry two cups of coffee

  and twelve doughnuts.

  Who is the most popular woman in a

  nudist colony?

  The one who can eat the twelve doughnuts.

  What has four legs and an arm?

  A Doberman pinscher

  Hear about the new Korean cookbook?

  It’s called One Hundred Ways

 
to Wok Your Dog.

  What’s the difference between beer nuts

  and deer nuts?

  Deer nuts are always under a buck.

  What is a Polish ménage à trois?

  Two of the people watch.

  O.K., this one is for all you Baby Boomers out there. Remember the TV series Gunsmoke?

  It’s a hot day in Dodge City. So hot that no one is out on the street. But Marshal Dillon is on the porch of the jailhouse anyway, sitting in a chair watching the street like a good marshal.

  Out of the corner of his eye, Dillon sees someone walking up the street at the edge of town. He stands up to get a better look and sees that it is Festus with hat, boots, and a gun belt, but otherwise totally naked.

  Dillon runs into the jailhouse, grabs a blanket, and runs down the street to Festus and wraps the blanket around him. “Dang gum it, Festus, what the hell are you doing?” he asks.

  “Well, Marshal Dillon,” says Festus, “I was sweeping the porch of the jailhouse like you told me, when Miss Kitty came riding up on her buggy and she says to me, ‘Festus, it is real hot out here, would you like to come up to the plateau, where it’s nice and cool, with me?’

  “Well, Marshal,” continues Festus, “you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so I got up on the buggy, took the reins, and headed off to the plateau with her.

  “Once we got to the plateau, Miss Kitty says to me, ‘Festus, I have a picnic basket that is just too heavy for me to lift, could you get it off the buggy for me?’

  “Well, Marshal, you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so I took the picnic basket off the buggy and put it on the ground. Then Miss Kitty says to me, ‘Festus, there is a blanket on the buggy, could you get it and spread it on the ground for me?’