The New York City Bartender's Joke Book

by Jimmy Pritchard

  “Well, Marshal, you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so I took the blanket and spread it out on the ground the way she wanted. Then she says to me, ‘Festus, I have too much food in this picnic basket for one person. Would you like to join me in a picnic?’

  “Well, Marshal Dillon, you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so we commenced to eatin’ homemade fried chicken and homemade potato salad up there on the plateau where it’s nice and cool, and when we was done, Miss Kitty says to me, ‘Festus, I want you to stand up, turn around, and take off all your clothes.’

  “Wellll, Marshal Dillon, you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so I turned around and took all my clothes off, and when I turned back, there was Miss Kitty, buck naked and spread-eagled on the picnic blanket, and she looked at me and said, ‘Well, Festus, go to town!’

  “So, Marshal Dillon, here I am!”

  Why are cowgirls bowlegged?

  Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

  John Wayne rides into town with the cavalry. He rides right up to the first house of ill repute he finds. He gets off his horse and knocks on the door.

  The madam of the house opens the door and says, “How can I help you?”

  John Wayne says, “Well, how much would you charge for my company?”

  “Ooooh,” says the madam, looking John Wayne up and down with a big grin. “Ten dollars,” she says.

  John Wayne turns, raises his arm, and yells, “Company hooooo!”

  Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, “Roy, Roy, the Indians burned down your ranch!”

  Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch.

  “Wait, Roy,” says the sergeant. “Come back, there’s more!” Roy comes back and the sergeant says, “They raped Dale!”

  Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch.

  “Wait, Roy, come back, there’s more,” the sergeant says. Roy comes back and the sergeant says, “They stole Trigger too!”

  Now Roy is really pissed off, and he heads toward the ranch.

  The sergeant says, “Roy, wait!”

  Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, “What!”

  The sergeant says, “How ’bout a song before you go?”

  The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along the prairie, making sure the land is safe from the bad guys. They stop for a moment and Tonto gets down off his horse, puts his ear to the ground, and says, “Buffalo come.”

  The Lone Ranger, still on his horse, looks around the prairie and says, “Tonto, how can you tell?”

  Tonto replies, “Ear sticky.”

  After patrolling the plains, the Lone Ranger and Tonto gallop back to town. They stop in front of the first saloon they come to and get off their horses.

  “Tonto,” says the Lone Ranger, “the horses are hot. I want you to run around the horses as fast as you can. The wind from your running will cool them off. I’ll be in the saloon having a drink.”

  Being ever so faithful, Tonto runs around the horses.

  After a half hour, a guy steps into the saloon and says, “Hey, who owns the white stallion out front?”

  The Lone Ranger says, “I do, why?”

  The guy says, “You left your Injun running!”

  A Native American is accepted to M.I.T. and after four long years of hard work he graduates with honors, top of his class.

  He goes back to the reservation and says to his father, “Father, for years you have sacrificed everything to send me to an expensive American school. Now I am back and I would like to repay you for all that you have done. Please, Father, is there anything I can do for you?”

  His father, being very old, says, “Help me up.” The son helps his father up. The father says, “Come.”

  They walk very slowly to the outhouse, fifty yards away. When they reach the outhouse, the father says, “I am old and cannot see very well. Put light in outhouse.”

  “Father,” says the son, “after all the schooling and all the knowledge I have learned, I can move you out of the reservation and you can live in comfort and luxury for the remainder of your life and all you want me to do is put a light in the outhouse?”

  “Yes,” says the father, “that is all I want. That is all I need. Put light in outhouse.”

  So the son builds a generator, runs a line to the outhouse, hooks up a socket, and screws in a light-bulb.

  And so the son becomes the first Native American to wire a head for a reservation.

  A guy runs into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doc, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam!”

  The psychiatrist says, “Relax, you’re two tents!”

  A young, naive Native American girl wonders why the men wear feathers. She sees a young brave with one feather and asks what the feather means.

  “One feather, one squaw,” says the brave.

  She walks along and sees another brave with two feathers and asks what they mean.

  “Two feathers, two squaws,” says the brave.

  After a while, she sees the chief with a full headdress of feathers, from the top of his head all the way to the ground. “Chief, what do all those feathers mean?” she asks.

  “I have many squaws,” the chief says, “Squaws in the mountains, squaws across the great sea, squaws in the plains and desert.”

  “Oh, dear!” exclaims the girl.

  “No,” says the chief, “ass too high, run too fast!”

  Why were Native Americans the first ones

  in this country?

  They had reservations.

  A prospector has been up in the mountains panning for gold for two years when he finally finds a small amount of gold dust. He puts the gold dust into a pouch, cleans himself up a little, and heads into town.

  He stops at the nearest saloon—which is the only saloon in town—walks up to the bar, dumps the gold dust on the bar, points to it, and says, “Bartender, I want to get likkered up and I want me a woman!”

  The bartender says, “Well, I can get you all the liquor you want, but I can’t get you no woman, they all left town a couple of years ago. But we do have Injun Joe behind that door.”

  “Oh, no, no,” says the prospector, “I don’t go in for that kind of stuff!” So he drinks till the gold dust is gone and staggers back up the mountain.

  Another two years go by before the prospector finds a couple of gold nuggets. He puts them in his pouch, cleans up a bit, and heads for town.

  He stops at the nearest saloon—the only saloon in town—walks up to the bar, dumps the gold nuggets on the bar, points to the gold nuggets, and says to the bartender, “Bartender, I want to get likkered up and I want me a woman!”

  The bartender says, “Well, I can get you good and likkered up, but we haven’t had any women here for a few years, but we do have Injun Joe behind that door.”

  “Oh, no, no!” says the prospector, “I don’t go in for that kind of stuff!” So he drinks until the gold nuggets are gone and staggers back up the mountain.

  One more year goes by and the prospector hits it big! Four huge gold nuggets! He shoves the nuggets into his pockets, doesn’t bother to clean himself up, and heads for town.

  He stops at the nearest saloon—which is still the only saloon in town—runs up to the bar, slams the gold nuggets on the bar, and yells, “Bartender! I want to get likkered up!” He grabs the bartender by the tie. “And I need a woman!”

  The bartender says, “Well, I sure can get you all the liquor you want, but there ain’t no women in town, they left a while back, but we do have Injun Joe behind that door.”

  “Oh, no, no,” says the prospector, “I don’t go in for that kind of stuff.” But as he drinks, he starts to get a little randy. He calls the bartender over and says, “Bartender, how much do you charge for that Injun Joe behind that door?”

  The bartender says, “Fifty dollars.”

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nbsp; “Fifty dollars!?” says the prospector. “How do you justify fifty dollars?”

  “Well,” says the bartender, “we give Injun Joe ten dollars, and twenty dollars apiece for two guys to hold him down, ’cause Injun Joe don’t go in for that kind of stuff either.”

  A guy is riding his snowmobile in Alaska. He’s out on the tundra, twenty-five to thirty miles from the nearest town, when all of a sudden the snow-mobile stops running. He can’t get it started and panic sets in because the sun is setting and he’ll freeze to death if he is stranded there overnight.

  Then, to his amazement, he sees an Eskimo riding a snowmobile along the horizon, so he starts jumping up and down, waving his arms, hoping to get the Eskimo’s attention.

  The Eskimo sees him and heads toward him. Fifteen minutes later, the Eskimo pulls up next to him and asks, “What’s the problem?”

  The guy says, “I don’t know. I’m riding along when all of a sudden it stops and I can’t get it started.”

  “Well,” says the Eskimo, “I’m an expert snowmobile mechanic, let me take a look at it.” He opens the engine cover, looks at the engine, goes back to his snowmobile, gets some tools, and starts tinkering with the motor. After a couple of minutes, he says, “I found the problem.”

  The guy asks, “What is it?”

  The Eskimo says, “You blew a seal.”

  “Oh, no,” the guy says. “That’s just snow on my lip!”

  After picking up a few items at a pharmacy, a guy goes up to the counter with a can of shaving cream, razor blades, soap, and toothpaste. The woman at the counter rings up the items and asks the guy, “You’re single, aren’t you?”

  “Why, yes,” answers the guy. “How can you tell?”

  “Because you’re fucking ugly!” replies the woman.

  How can you tell when a woman is about to say

  something important?

  She starts by saying, “A man once told me…”

  A young boy gets a train set for Christmas. His parents help him set it up and they all play with it. Eventually, the father goes into the den to catch up on football scores and the mother goes into the kitchen to clean the Christmas dinner dishes. The boy is left alone in the living room playing with his train.

  All of a sudden, the mom, in the kitchen, hears the boy, in the living room, say, “59th Street station, anyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on, anyone who wants to get off, get the fuck off!”

  Not quite sure of what she heard, the mother stands next to the living-room door to listen. Much to her dismay, she hears her son say, “42nd Street, anyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on, anyone who wants to get off, get the fuck off!”

  The mother rushes into the living room and grabs the boy by the neck and says, “I don’t know where you learned that kind of language, certainly not from me and I hope not from your father. You are not to use that language ever!” With that, she drags the boy up the stairs and throws him in his room and says, “Now you stay in here until you have learned your lesson!”

  She storms out and goes back downstairs to the kitchen, fuming. After an hour, she cools down and goes upstairs to the boy’s room and says, “Have you learned your lesson?”

  The boy says, “Yes, ma’am, I’ve learned my lesson, real good.”

  “All right,” says the mother, “you can go back downstairs and play with your train set again.”

  Not quite sure if he learned his lesson or not, the mother stands near the living-room door to listen. She hears the boy say, “59th Street, anyone who wants to get on, get on, anyone who wants to get off, get off.”

  But just to be sure, the mother listens further, and she hears the boy say “42nd Street, anyone who wants to get on, get on, anyone who wants to get off, get off.”

  Satisfied that he has learned his lesson, she goes back into the kitchen to continue cleaning the Christmas dinner dishes.

  There is a long pause. Silence from the living room. Then the mother hears the boy say, “14th Street, anyone who wants to get on, get on, anyone who wants to get off, get off.

  “If anyone has any complaints about the delays in the system,” the boy continues, “see the fucking bitch in the kitchen!”

  Did you hear about the Energizer Battery bunny?

  He died. Someone put the batteries in

  backwards and he kept coming and coming

  and coming…

  It was comedy night at the Comic Strip, and this night featured a ventriloquist. Everything was going great, he had the audience in the palm of his hand, laughing, until he started with the Polish jokes—the ventriloquist and his dummy, back and forth with the Polish jokes, one after the other.

  All of a sudden, a Polish guy stands up and yells, “Hey, I’m Polish, and we—yes, I’m speaking for all of us—we resent those jokes. As a matter of fact, they are not jokes to us! They are not funny. They are degrading, humiliating, and insulting! Please stop it!”

  The ventriloquist is stunned. He has never encountered anything like this in his whole career. He stands up, still holding the dummy, and very apologetically says to the Polish guy, “I am very sorry, sir, to you and all the Polish people I have offended. From this moment on I will never, ever utter another Polish joke as long as I live, and I will urge my fellow comedians to follow suit. I apologize to you, sir, and anyone I have offended.”

  “Hey,” says the Polish guy, “I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to the little guy!”

  Did you hear about the Polish kidnappers?

  They sent the kid home with the ransom note.

  The parents must have been Polish too, because

  they sent the kid back with the money.

  An old woman is feeling poorly, so her husband takes her to the doctor for a checkup. The old man waits in the waiting room while the old lady and the doctor go into the examining room.

  After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions. “How are you sleeping?” he asks.

  “I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go to the bathroom, but I have no problem falling back asleep. Occasionally I take an afternoon nap for an hour, but all in all, I sleep just fine.”

  “How is your diet?” asks the doctor.

  “I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat very well.”

  “Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor.

  “What?” replies the woman.

  “Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?”

  The old woman gets up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?”

  The old man looks at her and says, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!”

  A husband and wife are driving down the interstate when they are pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper says to the husband, “I clocked you doing 90 mph in a 55 mph zone.”

  “That can’t be,” says the husband. “I always obey the speed limit.”

  “No you don’t,” says the wife. “You always speed no matter what the speed limit is!”

  “Shut up, you bitch!” yells the husband to his wife.

  The trooper says, “I see you are not wearing your seat belt.”

  “It must have slipped my mind,” says the husband. “I always wear my seat belt.”

  “No you don’t,” says the wife. “You never put your seat belt on!”

  “Shut up you bitch!” yells the husband to his wife.

  “All right,” says the trooper, “let me see your license and registration.”

  The husband fumbles through his pockets and says, “I must have left my license in my other jacket at home.”

  “You never carry your license,” says the wife. “It’s on your bureau in the bedroom!”

  “Will you shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch!
” yells the husband.

  “Step out of the car, sir,” says the trooper, and as the husband gets out to the car, the trooper leans in and asks the wife, “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”

  “Oh, no,” says the wife with a smile, “only when he’s drunk!”

  Do you know what the side effect of Viagra is?

  Your wife’s headaches come back.

  Two sons want to do something different for their father’s ninetieth birthday, so they hire a call girl. She shows up at the house and the sons tell her to go up the stairs to the bedroom where the father is.

  She opens the bedroom door and sees the old man sitting on the side of his bed, and she says with enthusiasm, “I’m here to give you super sex!”

  The old man looks at her and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

  After a physical, a doctor tells an old man, “You have Alzheimer’s disease.”

  The old man says, “What should I do?”

  “Go home and forget about it,” says the doctor.

  How many men does it take to change

  a roll of toilet paper?

  No one knows. It’s never been done.

  Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

  Because they’re ugly and they smell bad.

  A Muslim dies and goes to heaven. He gets to the Pearly Gates and sees God standing there. He says to God, “I want to see Allah!”

  “Allah is busy right now,” says God.

  “I want to see Allah now!” demands the Muslim.

  God gets on the intercom and says, “Hey, Allah, when you’re finished with the garbage, someone wants to see you!”

  What’s the difference between an Israeli

  and an Israelite?

  Thirty percent less fat!

  A guy is walking down the street when he passes a bar with a sign in the window that says, “1920 Prices.” His curiosity gets the best of him and he goes inside.