The New York City Bartender's Joke Book

by Jimmy Pritchard

  The bartender says, “Hi, what can I get you?”

  The guy asks, “How much is a beer?”

  “Two cents,” says the bartender.

  “I’ll have a beer,” says the guy, smiling.

  The bartender gives the guy a beer and the guy gives the bartender a nickel and tells him to keep the change. Then he asks the bartender, “How much is a shot of whiskey?”

  The bartender says, “Six cents.”

  The guy orders the whiskey, gives the bartender a dime, and tells him to keep the change.

  As the guy is drinking his beer and sipping his whiskey, thinking about all the money he is saving, he notices two Hasidic Jews sitting at a table not drinking anything, just sitting there. He calls the bartender over and asks, “What’s up with the two Jews?”

  The bartender says, “Don’t worry about them, they’re just waiting for happy hour.

  Why do all Hasidic Jews dress the same?

  Only one of them is carrying the diamonds.

  Do you know what the first Jewish settlement

  in New York City was?

  Ten cents on the dollar.

  A boy asks his father, “Dad, can you get pregnant

  from anal sex?”

  The father says, “How do you think

  lawyers are born!”

  How is Viagra like Disney World?

  There is an hour wait for a two-minute ride.

  A husband comes home early from work. His wife is nowhere to be found, so he goes upstairs to the bedroom and sees her packing a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asks.

  “I’m going to Las Vegas,” she says.

  “Why are you going to Las Vegas?” he asks.

  “I found out that I can get two hundred dollars for a blow job,” she says.

  The husband goes to the closet, pulls out his suitcase, and starts packing. “Where are you going?” asks the wife.

  “I’m going to Las Vegas with you,” replies the husband.

  “What for?” asks the wife.

  The husband says, “I want to see how long you can live on six hundred dollars a year.”

  What is every blonde’s ambition in life?

  To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

  In New Hampshire, the nor’easter is so strong, it completely destroys the widow Taylor’s outhouse. The following spring, she hires Sam the carpenter to build her a new one. He works day and night and, finally, at week’s end, the outhouse is finished. He tells her he’ll come back in a few days to collect payment.

  Three days later Sam the carpenter knocks on the widow Taylor’s door. “Hello, widow Taylor, I’m here for payment for the outhouse.”

  “Nope, ain’t goin’ to pay ya,” she says.

  “Is anything wrong, widow Taylor?” asks Sam.

  “Ain’t goin’ to pay ya,” she replies.

  Sam the carpenter figures that something is wrong with the outhouse, so he goes out back, with the widow Taylor following behind, to check it out. He looks at the outhouse—an all-pine frame, shingled roof, and a half-moon on the door. “I don’t see anything wrong, widow Taylor,” he says.

  “Ain’t goin’ to pay ya,” the widow Taylor says.

  Shaking his head, Sam opens the door of the outhouse to look inside—all cedar, with two cushions on either side of the toilet, a magazine rack, and a nice reading lamp, plus a small cabinet to hold toilet paper and cleaning stuff. Sam asks, “Anything wrong in here, widow Taylor?”

  “Ain’t goin’ to pay ya,” she repeats.

  Sam figures the only place left to look is in the toilet itself. He opens the lid of the toilet and sticks his head in to check it out.

  Now, for those of you who don’t know Sam the carpenter, he is a big, burly man with a completely bald head and a big bushy beard, and it is quite a sight to see him bent over with his head inside an outhouse toilet.

  With his head in the toilet, Sam can’t find anything wrong, but as he pulls his head out, one of the whiskers of his beard catches in a very small—invisible to the naked eye—crack in the seat, pulling the hair out. “Owww!” he yells.

  The widow Taylor folds her arms, looks at Sam, and says, “Hurts, don’t it?”

  A man has a pit bull that is always biting everyone. After the latest incident, a cop suggests to the guy to get the dog’s nuts cut and then he will be very docile and won’t bite anyone. The man agrees and takes the dog to the veterinarian.

  On the way, the dog gets loose and starts to attack a bum. The owner grabs the dog just as it is about to bite the bum. With his dog in control the guy says, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m on my way to the vet to get his nuts cut so he won’t bite anyone anymore. I’m sorry!”

  The bum looks at him and says, “Hell, don’t cut his nuts off, pull out his teeth! I could see from a block away he wasn’t going to fuck me!”

  Where do you find a dog with no legs?

  Right where you left him.

  Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

  It was dead.

  What has two legs, one wheel, and flies?

  A wheelbarrow full of horse shit.

  Two old ladies are in a bar talking. One old lady says, “My throat is sore. What do you take for a sore throat?”

  “I suck on a Life Saver,” says the other old lady.

  “That’s easy for you,” says the first old lady. “You live at the beach!”

  A sixty-year-old woman is lying in bed, reading, when she hears a voice say, “This is God. You have thirty-six more years to live and then you will come to heaven with me.”

  Early the next morning the lady goes to the beauty salon, where she gets her hair cut, colored, and styled. Then to a plastic surgeon to get a complete face-lift, including a nose job. After liposuction, breast augmentation, a manicure, and a pedicure, she goes to Bloomingdale’s and buys a new wardrobe. She walks out of Bloomies looking like a million bucks.

  Walking across the street, she gets hit by a bus and dies instantly. She goes to heaven, walks past St. Peter without saying a word, and marches right up to God, sticks her finger in his face and says angrily. “You said I had thirty-six more years to live!”

  “I didn’t recognize you!” says God.

  A prostitute gets hit by a car. In the emergency room she tells the doctor that she thinks she’s blind. The doctor asks, “How many fingers do I have up?”

  “Oh my God,” she cries. “I’m paralyzed too!”

  An old guy goes into a bar and orders a bowl of soup. The bartender brings him the soup and walks away.

  The old guy calls the bartender back and says, “Taste the soup.”

  “Is the soup too hot?” asks the bartender.

  The old man shakes his head. “Taste the soup.”

  “Is it too cold?” asks the bartender.

  “Taste the soup,” says the old man.

  “Is it too spicy?” asks the bartender, slightly annoyed.

  “Taste the soup,” repeats the old man.

  “All right, all right,” says the exasperated bartender. “Where’s the spoon?”

  “Ah-ha!” says the old man triumphantly.

  A guy goes to a doctor’s office with a carrot in one ear, a piece of celery in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck up his nose. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “You’re not eating right!”

  A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

  A lady has two rabbits. She has had them since they were bunnies. They are housebroken. When she eats dinner, she puts their bowls of lettuce and carrots on the dining-room table and they all eat together. When she sleeps, she puts them on her bed and they all sleep together. She is very attached to the rabbits.

  One day both rabbits die. The lady is heartbroken. She decides to have the rabbits stuffed so they will be with her for the rest of her life. She takes them to the taxidermist and tells him her story about the rabbits. The taxidermist sympathizes with the lady and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll do a real nice job for you, but let me ask you, would you like to have the rabbits mounted?”

  “Oh no,” says the lady. “Just holding hands will be nice.”

  Three ducks, in line, are crossing the road. The duck in the back says, “Quack, quack!”

  The duck in front says, “Hey, I’m moving as fast as I can!”

  If a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, then why is a ram in the ass a goose?

  A guy is walking around Chinatown, in New York City, and stops in a bar. “Give me a Stoli with a twist,” he says to the bartender, who happens to be Chinese.

  “A rong, rong, time ago, Cinderella was a man…” replies the bartender.

  A manager of a warehouse hires a Chinese man to be in charge of supplies. He takes him to the supply room and tells him he will be back in two hours to check up on him.

  After two hours, the manager goes to the supply room, only to find the door locked and the lights out. He unlocks the door and turns on the lights.

  The Chinese man jumps up from behind a stack of boxes and yells, “SUPPLIES!”

  A Greek restaurant owner always eats at the same Chinese restaurant and always orders fried rice just to hear the waiters say, “Flied lice,” so he can mock them. He does this day in and day out, until finally one day the head waiter gets angry and decides to do something about it.

  The Chinese head waiter enrolls in classes for speech and elocution lessons. This takes months and months, and finally, after one year, he is ready to confront the Greek.

  The next day, right on time, the Greek Restaurant owner goes into the Chinese restaurant. The head waiter comes over and says, “What can I get you today?”

  True to form, the Greek says, “I’ll have the flied lice!” laughing all the while, waiting to have it repeated.

  To which the head waiter replies, “It is pronounced fried rice, you Gleek plick!”

  Two Irishmen are fishing in a boat, on a lake. One Irishman hooks something; he reels it in and gets it in the boat. It is an old, rusted lamp. He brushes off the muck and soggy leaves and out pops a genie!

  The genie says, “Wow, thanks a lot for saving me, I almost drowned down there. I’ll tell you what, you get one wish—make it a good one—and I’m out of here!”

  The Irishman thinks for a minute and says, “I want this whole lake filled with beer, as far as you can see, nothing but beer, no water. Make it Guinness!”

  “That’s it?” says the genie. “You got it!” He snaps his fingers, the whole lake is now filled with Guinness, and the genie disappears.

  The other Irishman says to his friend, “Now what in the hell did you do that for? Now we have to piss in the boat!”

  A guy calls in sick. His boss asks, “How sick are you?”

  “I’m fucking a cooked, stuffed turkey—how sick is that!” comes the reply.

  How are tightrope walking and a blow job

  from Janet Reno the same?

  In both cases it’s best not to look down!

  Why did the pervert cross the road?

  His dick was in a chicken.

  Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

  If it had four doors it would be

  a chicken sedan.

  An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a kid walk by with a roll of chicken wire in his arms. “Where you goin’ with that chicken wire, boy?” he asks.

  “I’m goin’ to get me some chickens,” says the boy.

  “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire, boy,” says the old man.

  “I’m goin’ to get me some chickens,” says the boy as he keeps walking.

  A half hour later, the boy passes the old man’s house with his arms full of chickens, all clucking away, feathers every where. The old man just scratches his head.

  An hour later, the boy passes the old man’s house with two big rolls of duct tape. The old man says, “Where you goin’ with that duct tape, boy?”

  “I’m goin’ to get me some ducks!” the boy says.

  “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” the old man chuckles.

  “I’m goin’ to get me some ducks.” And the boy walks on.

  A half hour later, the boy walks by the old man’s house with his arms full of ducks, all quacking, feathers everywhere. The old man just scratches his head.

  One hour later the boy passes the old man’s house with his arms full of pussy willows. The old man says, “Hold on, son, let me get my hat!”

  Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are in the wilderness, lying on the ground on their backs looking up at the sky. Holmes says to Watson, “Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see.”

  “Well, Holmes, I see millions of stars,” replies Watson.

  “Very good, Watson,” says Holmes. “But what does that tell you?”

  “Well, Holmes, astronomically speaking, there are billions of bodies in the heavens, of which we are one,” replies Watson.

  “Very good, Watson,” says Holmes. “But what does that tell you?”

  “Well, Holmes, astrologically speaking, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be a quarter past 3 A.M.,” replied Watson.

  “Very good, Watson,” says Holmes. “But what does that tell you?”

  “Well, Holmes, theologically, it is evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant,” Watson tells Holmes.

  “Very good, Watson,” says Holmes. “But what does that tell you?”

  “Well, Holmes, meteorologically, it is a clear, crisp night and it will be a beautiful day tomorrow?” Watson says, confused.

  “Very good, Watson,” says Holmes sternly. “But what does that tell you?”

  “I don’t know, Holmes, what does it tell you?” cries Watson, exasperated.

  “It tells me, my dear Watson,” says Holmes, “that someone has stolen the fucking tent!”

  The Pope is in his bed, reading, when a thought pops in his head. He has never, in his whole life, experienced an orgasm. He quickly dismisses the notion, wondering how it got there in the first place, and continues reading. But it creeps back into his head again.

  He gets out of bed and stands in front of his mirror. “I am old,” he says to himself, “and I will die without ever knowing what an orgasm is or what it feels like.” He decides to find out.

  He puts on some old work clothes and a baseball cap, goes down the back stairs to the garage, careful not to be seen by anyone. He walks past the Popemobile and finds the gardener’s old pickup truck. In the dead of night, the Pope drives the pickup truck out of the Vatican and into the country.

  Five miles into the country, he takes a dirt road and drives five more miles and then stops the truck and gets out. It is pitch-black out—he can barely see the nose in front of his face. Confident that no one is around, he masturbates. He orgasms, waits fifteen minutes, and masturbates again. After he orgasms the second time, he climbs back in the truck and makes his way back to the Vatican. He sneaks back to his bedroom, takes off the old work clothes, and falls fast asleep.

  The next morning he wakes up quite refreshed. He never slept like that before. It is the best sleep he has ever had. He sings while he is in the shower and dances around the bedroom while he is getting dressed for the day.

  Full of energy and with a smile on his face, he is ready for the new day. As he walks to the door of the bedroom, he notices a manila envelope on the floor, obviously pushed under the door. He opens the envelope and pulls out an 8x10 glossy of himself with a baseball cap, his pants down around his ankles, and his hand wrapped around an enormous hard-on. Attached to the picture, there is a note which says, “I saw you last night. Send $100, 000 to the address shown and I’ll send you the negatives and the camera.”

  The Pope runs to his safe and opens it, pulls out $100, 000, puts it in an envelope, addresses it, puts a stamp on it, and runs to the post office and mails it.

  Two days later, a UPS truck pulls up to the Vatican, where the Pope is waiti
ng anxiously. He grabs his package and runs up to his office, opens the package, and pulls out the negatives and the camera. He throws the negatives and the 8x10 glossy into the fireplace and waits until there is nothing but ashes. Then he takes the camera and places it on the mantel as a reminder to never do anything as stupid as that again.

  One year later, the Japanese ambassador is visiting the Vatican. After a tour, the Pope takes the ambassador to his office for cigars and cognac. As they are smoking and drinking, the ambassador notices the camera on the mantel and reaches for it to get a closer look.

  “Don’t touch that camera!” yells the Pope. “It is very expensive!”

  “How much you pay for camera?” asks the ambassador.

  “That camera,” says the Pope, “cost me $100, 000!”

  “Oh,” says the Japanese ambassador. “They must have seen you coming!”

  What do the Pope and the New York Jets

  have in common?

  They are the only people who can get

  sixty thousand people to yell ‘Jesus Christ!’

  in unison.

  Did you know that half of all Japanese eye

  doctors have cataracts?

  The other half drive Rincon Town Cars.

  What do Japanese men do when they

  have erections?

  They vote.

  A priest in a small country parish finds out that the Pope is planning a surprise visit to his church. The priest is excited and decides to do some research on the Pope. He finds out that the Pope loves local food and has a passion for fresh fish, so he has his staff collect all the fresh vegetables from the local gardens while he goes fishing. He hires a fishing guide and they head out to the local lake.

  While they are on the lake, the priest hooks a big one. It takes him a half hour to reel it in, and when he does, the fishing guide, who has never seen a fish that big in that lake, exclaims, “Will you look at that son of a bitch!”