The New York City Bartender's Joke Book

by Jimmy Pritchard

  And God created woman and she had three breasts. God then asked the woman, “Is there anything that you’d like to have changed?”

  The woman replied, “Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?” And so it was done and it was good.

  Then the woman exclaimed as she held the third breast in her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?”

  And God created man.

  How do we know that God is a man?

  If God were a woman,

  sperm would taste like chocolate.

  When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females on the other side. Then he asked, “Which of your species would like to urinate standing up.

  The males went crazy, shouting that they all wanted to pee standing up.

  “Fine,” said God. “Women get multiple orgasms.”

  Why do one out of five women go to heaven?

  If all five went, it would be hell!

  What did God say after creating man?

  “I can do better.”

  Why are men smarter when making love?

  They are plugged into a know-it-all.

  The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you are a lousy lover!”

  The husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?”

  A man parks his car at the supermarket and is walking past an empty cart when he hears a woman ask, “Excuse me, do you want that cart?”

  “No,” he answers, “I’m only after one thing.”

  As he walks toward the store, he hears her murmur under her breath, “Typical male!”

  A guy in California buys a red, sleek, powerful Lamborghini. He decides to open it up on the long, straight desert road to Las Vegas.

  On the way, he stops at a “last gas” gas station to fill it up. The attendant comes out, wearing greasy overalls, and it is obvious that he has never seen a car like the Lamborghini. The guy tells him to fill the tank while he goes to the bathroom.

  As the guy comes out of the bathroom, he sees the attendant sitting in the front seat of his new car. He is furious and runs over, grabs the attendant by his greasy overalls, pulls him out, gets in, closes the door, and takes off.

  As he is driving along at 80 mph, he looks in his rearview mirror and sees something coming up behind him, very fast. Determined not to let anyone outrun him, he speeds up to 100 mph.

  He looks in the mirror, and whatever it is, is still behind him and moving fast. He speeds up to 150 mph, but the thing is still behind him. His curiosity gets the best of him and he slows down to 50 mph. All of a sudden, the thing flies past him at an incredible rate of speed, so fast that the guy still can’t make out what it is. So he brings the Lamborghini back up to 150 mph.

  He sees the object and thinks he is catching up—but he is not catching up at all. The thing is coming toward him and zips past going in the other direction. Now the guy is so confused that he stops his car.

  All of a sudden he sees the thing from his rearview mirror come straight at him, and it slams in the back of the new Lamborghini. The guy gets out and sees the gas attendant from the station lying on the pavement behind the car.

  “What the hell are you doing?” screams the guy.

  The attendant looks up at the guy and says, weakly, “When you threw me out of your car, my suspenders got caught in the door!”

  Two hobos run in to each other. “I haven’t seen you in a while, where have you been?” asks the first hobo.

  “Well,” says the second hobo, “I was walking along the railroad tracks and I saw a woman tied to the tracks, so I untied her and had sex with her, fell asleep, woke up, and had sex again.”

  “Wow!” says the first hobo. “That sounds great. What does she look like?”

  “I don’t know,” says the second hobo. “I couldn’t find her head!”

  A patient is talking to his psychiatrist. “I love boxer shorts,” he says.

  The shrink says, “Nothing wrong with that. I prefer them myself.”

  “Really?” says the patient. “With mustard or mayonnaise?”

  A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He says, “I’ll bet fifty dollars that my octopus can play any musical instrument you give him.”

  Someone gives the octopus an old guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tunes the strings, and plays a beautiful Spanish flamenco tune. Fifty dollars to the guy with the octopus.

  Another man hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus looks it over, loosens up the valves, licks his lips, and plays a fantastic jazz solo. The guy pockets another fifty dollars.

  The bartender walks to the storeroom and comes out with a set of bagpipes and puts it on the bar. “I’ll give you a hundred dollars if the octopus can play this!” he says.

  The octopus takes a long, hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from a different angle, studying the bagpipes.

  The guy says, “What are you waiting for? Play the damn thing!”

  “Play it?” says the octopus. “Hell, if I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I’m going to fuck it!”

  A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts wandering around and ends up on top of the pool table. The bartender watches as the monkey picks up the eight ball, puts it in his mouth, and swallows it.

  The bartender is furious. “That eight ball is the owner’s pride and joy! It’s made of pure ivory and has been in his family for generations!” He kicks the guy and his monkey out of the bar.

  Two weeks later, the guy and his monkey return to the bar and he gives the bartender the eight ball, all cleaned up, as good as new, and he apologizes.

  As the guy is talking to the bartender, the monkey picks up a peanut from a bowl, shoves it up his ass, takes it out, and eats it. The bartender sees this and says to the guy, “Now what the hell is the monkey doing?”

  “Oh,” says the guy. “Ever since the eight ball, he just wants to make sure what he is eating!”

  A pony walks into a bar and says, “How about a hot toddy? I’m a little hoarse.”

  An Irish guy walks into a bar and sits down, not saying a word. The bartender sees him and says, “Let me get you a drink.”

  The Irishman says, “I’ll have an Irish whiskey, neat.”

  The bartender gives him his drink, and the Irish guy downs it and starts to leave. The bartender says, “Hey, you owe me for that drink!”

  “Well, sir,” says the Irish guy, “I don’t believe I owe you anything. You offered it to me.”

  A lawyer sitting at the bar says to the bartender, “Technically, he is correct. He didn’t ask for anything. You offered him the drink.”

  The bartender is so pissed off that he picks up the Irish guy and throws him out of the bar.

  Three days later, the Irish guy walks back into the same bar and sits down. The bartender says, “Didn’t I throw you out of here a few days ago?”

  “No, I don’t believe you did,” says the Irish guy.

  “You sure do look like the guy I threw out,” says the bartender.

  “No, I’m not the guy,” says the Irish guy.

  “Well,” says the bartender, “you must have a double!”

  The Irish guy says, “Thank you, make it an Irish whiskey.”

  Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

  A different bar.

  A blonde is walking past a construction site and sees a help-wanted sign. She walks up to the foreman and says, “I want to apply for the job.”

  The foreman says, “Well, I need someone with experience.”

  The blonde says, “I have fifteen years of construction experience.”

  The foreman says, “I need someone right now, so I’ll give you a shot. You’ll be working on the ninth floor. If I need anything, I’ll signal you. You know all the hand signals?”

  “Yes,” says the blonde.

  “Good,” says the foreman. “Go up
to the ninth floor. The blueprints and tools are up there.”

  After a few hours, the foreman whistles and the blonde looks down. With hand signals, the foreman points to his eye, then his knee, and then makes a sawing motion with his arm. The blonde responds by pointing to her eye, touching her left breast, and grabbing her crotch.

  The foreman shakes his head and goes to the ninth floor. “I thought you said you knew the hand signals,” he says. “What I was saying was, I ‘eye,’ need, ‘knee,’ a saw—that was when I moved my arm back and forth. I need a saw!”

  The blonde says, “I know. What I said when I pointed to my eye, then touched my left breast, then grabbed my crotch, was, ‘I left it in the box’!”

  What’s the difference between a blonde

  and a brick?

  When you lay a brick, it doesn’t follow you

  around for two weeks whining.

  What’s the difference between medium

  and rare?

  Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

  Why do elephants have four feet?

  Eight inches just ain’t enough.

  Why don’t men fake orgasms?

  Because no man would make those faces

  on purpose!

  What do toilets, a clitoris, and an

  anniversary have in common?

  Men miss them all.

  Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

  It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap

  and spreads easy.

  Ask your friend this:

  Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

  Ask your mother!

  Four Irish brothers come to New York and get jobs as cab drivers. Because they come from a small village in Ireland, they can’t get the grasp of stoplights and they all run the red lights. One of the brothers is driving a guy downtown when all of a sudden he stops at a green light.

  “Hey,” says the guy, “why did you stop at a green light?”

  The Irishman replies, “One of my brothers might be coming!”

  There is a massive traffic jam in Times Square. A cop shows up and sees a penguin in the middle of Broadway. He picks it up, opens the door of the first car he sees, throws the penguin in and says, “Do me a favor, take this penguin to the zoo.”

  The guy takes a right and heads to the Bronx.

  Four hours later the guy, with the penguin still sitting in the front seat, is at a light on 42nd Street. The same cop is on the corner and sees him. He walks over to the car and says, “I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo.”

  “I did,” says the guy. “Now we are going to dinner and then the opera!”

  A Polish guy is not doing too good at the entrance exam for the police department. The sergeant, who is also Polish, feels sorry for him and wants to help him pass the test. “I’ll tell you what,” he says, “I’ll give you one last question. Go home, research it, and bring me the answer the first thing in the morning. The question is, Who killed Jesus Christ?”

  The Pole goes home and his wife says, “How did the exam go?”

  “Great!” says the Pole. “I’m working on my first murder case!”

  Do you know what happened to the

  Polish rocket ship?

  At five hundred feet it ran out of coal!

  How do you confuse a Polish guy?

  Put him in a round room and tell him

  to piss in the corner.

  Can’t just pick on the Polish, now, can we?

  How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?

  With a crowbar.

  Why do Greek men wear gold chains

  around their necks?

  So they know where to stop shaving.

  As I was leaving my apartment to go to work, I noticed the police were at the apartment down the hall. I walked over to a cop and asked, “What’s going on?”

  “There has been a murder,” the cop says.

  “How did it happen?” I ask.

  “The victim,” says the cop, “was found in the bathtub filled with milk and cornflakes.”

  Right away, I knew it was the work of a cereal killer!

  A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem.”

  The doctor asks, “What kind of problem?”

  The guy says, “Well, before I go to work, my wife jumps me and we have sex three times. When I get to work, my secretary and I have sex, then at lunch we have sex and a ‘quickie’ at the end of work. Then when I get home, my wife jumps me again and we have sex before dinner, after dinner, before we go to bed, and before we go to sleep. All this happens every day.”

  “So,” asks the doctor, “what’s your problem?”

  The guy says, “When I jerk off, I get dizzy.”

  A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!”

  The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”

  “No, you moron!” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

  Two teenagers are on their first date and they go to the amusement park. After going on the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel, the boy asks his date, “What do you want to do now?”

  “I want to get weighed,” she responds.

  They head off to the guy that guesses your weight. The kid pays the guy, he guesses her weight, and then they go to the bumper cars, then to the funhouse. “What do you want to do now?” asks the kid again.

  “I want to get weighed!” urges his date.

  So they go back to the guy that guesses your weight, the kid pays him and he guesses both their weights, they go back to the roller coaster, eat some cotton candy and hot dogs, then he takes her home. When the girl walks in her house, her mother asks, “How was your date?”

  “Wowsy!” she replies.

  Why is college like a woman?

  It takes forever to get in and nine months later

  you wish you hadn’t come.

  What has a whole bunch of balls and

  screws old ladies?

  A bingo machine.

  What three two-letter words mean “small”?

  “Is it in?”

  This is for you computer geeks:

  A girl said, “Give a gig, and make it hurt!”

  So I gave three 340MB and slapped her with a SCSI adapter.

  I went to the county fair and they had one of those “Believe it or Not” shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain!

  How did the blonde try to kill a pigeon?

  She threw it off the Empire State Building.

  What do you have when you have

  two balls in your hand?

  A man’s undivided attention.

  A young Jewish boy is very incorrigible. He won’t clean his room, he won’t do his chores, and he has been thrown out of every school in town. Finally, his desperate parents send him to a Catholic school. Almost immediately, his room is clean, all his chores are done, and he is getting straight A’s in school.

  His father says, “So, what was it that made you change your ways?”

  The kid says, “The nuns gave me a tour of the school and showed me where everything is, and I met the Monsignor, who took me to the chapel and showed me what happened to the last Jewish boy who got out of line!”

  An architectural engineer dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is at the Gates and asks for his occupation, and the guy tells him. St. Peter looks at the book and can’t find him. He punches in the information in the Cray computer—still no architectural engineer.

  St. Peter says, “We’re not supposed to have an architectural engineer for another ten years. You probably took a wrong turn somewhere and belong in hell.”

  The engineer says, “Look, I’m a God-fearing man. I never did anything wrong my whole life. I belong here!”

  St. Peter takes him by the arm, walks him to an elevator, and says, “Push the double L button and you’ll be there in no time.”

  The next thing the guy knows, he’s in hell. Satan gree
ts him and asks, “What’s your occupation?”

  “Architectural engineer,” the guy says.

  “Man,” says Satan, “Do I need you! Look at this place. It’s hot, there’s fire everywhere, and my throne is a mess! I’ll make it worth your while if you can do something about this.”

  A month later, God calls Satan, “Satan, how ya doing? Look, there was a glitch in the computer and the architectural engineer you have belongs up here. Send him back up, will you?”

  “No way!” Satan says. “You should see what that guy has done to this place! The fire is directed through beautiful glass tubes, we have central air-conditioning, and my throne is a masterpiece! And there’s a bunch of other stuff he needs to do for me, so there is no way I’m sending him back to you!”

  “Satan,” God says menacingly, “send him back or I’ll sue you for every penny you’ve got! You won’t have a throne to sit on!”

  “Oh, yeah?” says Satan. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”

  What’s the difference between

  a proud chicken and a lawyer?

  One clucks defiant.

  Did you hear about the blind skunk?

  He fucked a piece of shit.

  Did you hear about the truck carrying

  copies of Roget’s Thesaurus that overturned

  on the highway?

  The local newspaper reported that the

  onlookers were “stunned, overwhelmed,

  astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded.”

  I always thought that a thesaurus was a smart dinosaur!