The New York City Bartender's Joke Book
Page 10
Did you hear about the red ship and
the blue ship that collided?
The survivors were marooned.
A friend of mine asked me what I thought of Flushing, New York. I said it was a great idea.
If FedEx and UPS merged, would they call it Fed UP?
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two, if you slice them very thinly.
A wife wants bigger breasts. She says to her husband, “Honey, I’ve tried everything except implants and I’m not going to go through that.”
Her husband says, “Why don’t you try rubbing toilet paper between your breasts?”
“Do you think that will work?” asks the wife.
“Why not?” says her husband. “It worked pretty good on your ass.”
A guy meets a woman on the golf course. They agree to play golf together the next day. They play and find that they have a lot in common, so they decide to play golf together for the rest of the week. On the last day of golf they go out to dinner, have a wonderful meal and stimulating conversation. Out in the parking lot of the restaurant, they kiss passionately.
The guy says softly, “I want to make love to you, I want to be inside you!”
The woman says, “I have to tell you, I’m a transvestite.”
“You bitch!” yells the guy angrily. “You’ve been playing off the red tees!”
What’s an Australian kiss?
The same as a French kiss,
only down under.
What do you see when you look in
a blonde’s eyes?
The back of her head.
What are the two reasons why men
don’t mind their own business?
No mind. No business.
What do blondes and beer bottles
have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
Did you hear about the Polish guy who won
a gold medal at the Olympics?
He was so proud, he had it bronzed.
What’s one sign that you drank too much?
You wake up in Montana with a Mohawk.
Not the haircut—a big sweaty Indian!
And remember, it’s: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
Cecil B. de Mille, perhaps one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, was directing his latest movie. He had to shoot a difficult battle scene, using thousands of extras as gladiators fighting in a huge outdoor stadium. C.B., as he was known on the movie set, strategically placed seventeen cameras all around the stadium to capture every movement of the extras. It was very important that the whole scene be shot in one take, by all seventeen cameras, or the scene would be ruined, so he gave each of the seventeen cameramen walkie-talkies so he could coordinate the shots.
Finally, Cecil B. de Mille was ready to shoot the scene. Perched on his boom camera, he radioed camera number one. “Camera one,” said C.B., “are you ready?”
“Ready when you are, C.B.!” replied camera one.
“Camera two,” said C.B., “are you ready?”
“Ready when you are, C.B.!” replied camera two.
He did the same for the rest of the camera operators and all the cameramen responded with, “Ready when you are, C.B.!”
“Roll cameras and action!” yelled de Mille into his walkie-talkie, and the thousands of extras went into action while the cameras rolled.
After ten long minutes, de Mille yelled, “Cut! Camera one, did you get it?”
“Got it, C.B.!” said camera one.
“Camera two, did you get it?” asked C.B.
“Got it, C.B.!” said camera two.
He asked the same question for all the cameras up to number sixteen and they all responded with, “Got it, C.B.!”
Finally he asked camera seventeen, “Camera seventeen, did you get it?”
“Ready when you are, C.B.!” came the voice over the walkie-talkie.
And speaking of movies… I promised this joke to my parents.
On the set of Ginger Rogers’s last movie. The stage is set, the cameras are ready, and the director tells the assistant director to go get Miss Rogers from her dressing room. The A.D. knocks on her door, but there is no answer. He tells the director that he can’t find her anywhere.
The director then tells everyone to go look for her. People are searching high and low. Finally, a stagehand runs up to the director and says, “I found her! I found her!”
“Where was she?” asks the director.
The stagehand replies, “I found her under Astaire!”
Two Polish guys are drinking in a bar. The first Polish guy says to the other, “Hey, how was your honeymoon?”
The second Polish guy says, “It was great, and you know, the way she was acting, I think I could have gotten laid!”
What do a tornado and marriage have in common?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking
and blowing, then you lose your house!
A guy walks into a barber shop and asks the barber, “How long is the wait?”
The barber says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves.
The next day, the guy walks into the barber shop and asks, “How long is the wait?”
The barber says, “About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves.
The next day, the guy walks in again and asks, “How long is the wait?”
“About forty-five minutes,” says the barber, and the guy leaves.
Curious, the barber says to a customer, “Do me a favor, follow that guy and tell me where he goes. He’s been coming in all week asking me how long the wait is. I have the only shop in town and I’ve never given him a haircut.”
An hour later, the customer comes back and says, “I found out where that guy goes.”
“Oh, and where’s that?” asks the barber.
“Your house,” says the customer.
Three guys are in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first guy, “What’s your story, how did you die?”
The first guy says, “I came home early, saw my wife naked, and I noticed a cigar in the ashtray. I don’t smoke cigars, so I looked out the window and I saw a guy run out of my apartment building to the street, frantically hailing a cab. I snapped, picked up the refrigerator, and threw it out the window. The strain was too much for me and I had a heart attack.”
St. Peter asks the second guy, “How about you, how did you die?”
“Well,” says the second guy, “I was late for work one day and I was running out of my building trying to get a cab when a refrigerator fell on me.”
St. Peter asks the third guy, “And you, how did you die?”
The third guy says, “I was hiding in this refrigerator…”
Do infants enjoy infancy the way adults enjoy adultery?
Two guys are sitting on a park bench on a cold, damp day. A beautiful woman walks by and one guy says, “Tickle your ass with a feather?”
“What?” asks the woman.
“I said,” says the guy, “particularly nasty weather.”
The woman smiles, and the guy gets up and walks away with her.
The other guy thought that was a great pickup line and decides to use it. When another beautiful woman walks by, he says, “Stick a feather up your ass?”
The woman says, “Excuse me?”
“Fucking cold, isn’t it?” says the guy.
What’s the difference between mad cow disease
and a woman with PMS?
NOTHING!!!!!!!
This one is courtesy of my son, Michael!
A traveling salesman’s car breaks down near a farmhouse. He knocks on the door and the farmer says, “Yes?”
The salesman says, “My car broke down, can I spend the night?”
The farmer says, “Sure, but you’ll have to sleep with my son.”
“Your son?” says the salesman. “Wait a minute, I must be in the wrong joke!”
What’s the name of the guy from India
Mahatma Coat.
Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.
Did you hear about the Mexican who tried
to commit suicide?
He tried to hang himself from the
rearview mirror.
What’s smaller than a teeny, weeny fly?
A fly’s teeny weeny.
A woman goes to a gynecologist for the first time. She is on the examining table with her feet in the stirrups and the gynecologist says, “Now, we’re going to start with some numbness.”
The woman, confused, says, “What do you mean?”
The gynecologist leans in real close between her legs and mumbles, “Num-num-num-num-num…
A guy goes to a pharmacy, walks up to the pharmacist and says, “I need some birth control pills for my fourteen-year-old daughter.”
“You mean to tell me,” says the pharmacist, “that your fourteen-year-old daughter is sexually active?”
“Hell, no,” says the guy. “She just lies there and doesn’t move like her mother!”
Did you know that there are over fifty thousand battered women in the United States? And all this time I’ve been eating them plain!
A guy goes to a church and walks into the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says.
The priest says, “What is it that brings you here?” “Well, Father,” says the guy, “I used the F-word over the weekend.”
“How did this come about?” asks the priest.
“Well, Father,” says the guy, “I was playing golf and on the first tee I hit a slice into the trees.”
“And that’s when you cursed out loud?” asks the priest.
“Oh no, not yet,” says the guy. “Well, I got lucky. I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green when, all of a sudden, a squirrel came out of the bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth, and scampered up a tree.”
“That must have been when you cursed,” says the priest.
“No,” says the guy, “because just as the squirrel got to the top of the tree, a hawk swooped down and grabbed it with its talons. The hawk flew out over the green and the squirrel dropped the ball, which landed five inches from the cup.”
“Oh, I see, that’s when you cursed,” the priest says assuredly.
“No, not then, you see—”
The priest interrupts, “Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt!”
A man goes to confession. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I haven’t been to confession in a long time and I have a sin that has been weighing heavily on mine and my family’s conscience for many years.”
“What is your sin, my son?” asks the priest.
“We hid a family of Jews from the Nazis,” says the man.
“My son,” says the priest, “saving a family from certain death is not a sin.”
“We charged them five hundred dollars a month,” says the man.
“Well,” says the priest, “was it agreeable to them? Did the expense cause them any hardship?”
“Oh yes, they agreed, Father, and they could afford the money,” says the man.
“Did they have enough food and were they healthy?” asks the priest.
“Yes, Father, they had plenty of food, they were healthy,” says the man.
The priest thinks for a moment and says, “My son, you and your family haven’t committed any sin. I don’t know what you are worried about.”
“But Father,” says the man, “should I tell them that the war is over?”
Hear about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control her pupils?
A Texas rancher and a New Hampshire farmer are talking. “How big is your farm?” asks the Texas rancher.
“Well, my farm is a little over two hundred acres,” says the New Hampshire farmer.
“Son,” bellows the Texas rancher, “my ranch is so big, I can get in my truck on one end and it will take me three days to reach the other end!”
“Uh-huh,” says the New Hampshire farmer. “I had a truck like that once.”
What’s the real state motto of Texas?
Don’t mess with Texas, we’re armed!
What’s the real state motto of
New Hampshire?
Leave us the fuck alone!
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutrous Boutrous-Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.
This one’s for all you baseball fans…
If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.
What’s the difference between a Porsche
and a soprano?
Not too many musicians have been
in a Porsche.
A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it all—money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asks the friend.
“My wife found out!” says the man.
How many chiropractors does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but you have to make five visits.
Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive.
No further testing is planned.
Two Italians, Pietro and Marchello, are talking. Pietro says to Marchello, “Marchello, do you like women with tiny mustaches and moles on their cheeks with hair coming out?”
Marchello says, “No, Pietro, I don’t like women like that.”
“Marchello,” says Pietro, “do you like women with hairy underarms and hairy legs?”
“No, Pietro,” says Marchello, “I don’t like women like that at all!”
“Marchello,” says Pietro, “do you like women with saggy tits and fat asses?”
“No, Pietro,” says Marchello, “I don’t like women like that!”
“Then Marchello,” says Pietro, “why are you fucking my wife?”
Two Russians are standing in a very long line waiting to buy some vodka. The line is so long that one Russian says to the other, “I can’t stand this anymore! Always waiting in line to buy anything! I’m going to shoot the Minister of Commerce!” He leaves the line and storms out.
Hours later, the other Russian finally buys his vodka and starts to walk out. As he is walking past the very long line, he sees his friend standing at the end of the line. “Hey,” he says to his friend, “I thought you were going to shoot the Commerce Minister.”
“I was,” says his friend, “but the line is too long!”
The phone rings in Saddam Hussein’s office. “Hello?” says Saddam.
“Hello, Saddam?” says the caller. “This is Paddy up in County Cork, Ireland. I’m ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” says Saddam, “how big is your army?”
“At this moment in time,” says Paddy, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
“I must tell you Paddy,” says Saddam, “I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra!” says Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back!”
The next day, Paddy calls Hussein. “Saddam, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!”
“What equipment would that be, Paddy?” asks Saddam.
“Well, we have two International Harvester combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s tractor from the farm!” says Paddy.
“I must tell you, Paddy,” says Saddam, “that I have 16, 000 tanks, 14, 000 armored personnel carriers
, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Really?” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”
The next day, Paddy calls Hussein. “Saddam,” says Paddy, “the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Ted’s ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the dominoes team has joined us as well!”
“I must tell you, Paddy,” says Saddam, “that I have 1, 000 bombers, 500 MiG-19 attack jets, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million.”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”
Paddy calls again the next day. “Mr. Hussein,” he says, “I am sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war.”
Saddam Hussein says, “It is I who am sorry that you called off the war. But tell me, Paddy, why are you calling it off?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “we’ve had a chat and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners!”
Margaret is concerned that Paddy drinks too much. She decides the only way to stop him from drinking is to scare the shit out of him. One night while Paddy is at the pub, Margaret rummages through the closet and finds an old Halloween costume of the devil. She puts on the cap and the mask with the horns and goes out to the graveyard that separates their house and the pub and hides behind a gravestone to wait for Paddy.
Sure enough, like clockwork, Paddy stumbles out of the pub as it closes and takes the path through the graveyard to his house. Halfway down the path, Margaret jumps out from behind a grave-stone, dressed in the devil’s costume, and says menacingly, “I’M THE DEVIL!”