by Shona Husk
Her fingers gripped his uniform, unwilling to let go, his arms were still around her. He was kneeling on the floor by her chair. For a moment the only part of them that was moving was their lips. Perhaps if they didn’t need to breathe they wouldn’t ever have to move away. Her fingers loosened. His hands slid over her waist, her thighs.
The kiss began to disintegrate. One last taste, one more. More desperate than loving. Did she love him? Maybe, probably, definitely. That was why this hurt so much. But she didn’t let the words form.
He opened his eyes; the dark brown that had once been full of fun and light was now filled with pain. For a moment she thought he was going to say something. She pressed her lips to his. ‘Don’t. I’m going to go now.’
‘I know.’ His hands fell away.
She blinked and took a breath, then pushed her chair back. Her dinner was only half eaten. This was never going to get easier. It was never going to hurt less to leave someone behind. She stood up and walked away.
She couldn’t look back. If she did, she wouldn’t leave. No bitterness and anger. Leave while it was good. And next time? She was already thinking of the next time and they hadn’t made it through one deployment. This shouldn’t be this hard. She’d done this before. She’d lived through the affairs and break-ups.
This would be different.
It felt different; it hurt a hell of a lot more. For a moment she was tempted to run back and say that she loved him. But if she said it and he echoed it, and if it all fell apart that would be worse. They were friends … sometimes lovers … that was all.
She left the house and got into her car. For a moment she sat there and pressed her hands to her eyes. She needed to blow her nose and she was sure her face was puffy and red. Was he still kneeling on the floor?
Had she done the right thing? What if she was throwing away a few more days of fun? No, it was better this way, cleaner. Tomorrow she’d be fine. She could focus on what lay ahead. She drew in a couple of shaky breaths then started the car.
‘I love you, Kurt,’ she whispered. ‘Damn you.’
Chapter 22
Kurt couldn’t watch her leave. If he did he might try and make her stay, and she was right. It was better they part on good terms than argue and shut the door on what they had. But it stung like a break-up even though it wasn’t. It felt like hours passed before she started her car and that made him happy. She was hurting. Then he hated that he was happy she was hurting. He sat down on his heels, still not ready to stand up.
Somehow a quiet dinner for two and a DVD had crumbled away and become a pity party for one. He sat on the floor, back against a table leg. He blinked away the burning of his eyes, well aware that if she hadn’t left she’d have seen more than he wanted to show. Neither of them had said it but it had been on the tip of his tongue and she’d known.
It wasn’t easy to let the woman he loved leave, and not just for tonight but leave for a third of a year. It sounded like such a long time when put like that. Four months sounded better. It wasn’t even that long, not really. He’d done longer trips, and shorter ones.
He tipped his head back and closed his eyes. It had always been so easy to let his other girlfriends go before he sailed. There’d been a bit of a snap like a wet towel on bare skin but nothing like this. This was much more like someone was yanking on his heart as if they wanted to remove it from his chest.
This sucked.
Maybe he was wrong and he couldn’t do it. Perhaps he wasn’t strong enough. He thought of the wives and kids who’d been at the BBQ only a few days ago. They did it all the time. If they could, he could. But he didn’t know how they managed. How did they let go and yet still remain in love? He was going to have to find a way. Sitting on the dining room floor wasn’t going to help.
He took a breath, his chest heaving with the effort and made himself get up. He was going to finish dinner. Do the dishes and go for a run.
Then the evening would be over and he wouldn’t have time to think.
Thinking was the last thing he needed to do. And what was he going to do for the next four months? There were a lot of nights to fill.
A bike roared down the street. Kurt frowned when it passed. It had sounded like Blue’s bike. But he was relieved it hadn’t stopped, he didn’t want company. He sat and finished his almost cold meal, eating because he needed to. He put Rainy’s in the bin and tried not to think about it. Then he got changed into his running gear. He was tying up his laces when the motorbike screamed into his driveway.
‘Fuck me.’ He couldn’t deal with Tasker’s shit tonight, he had his own. He opened up the door anyway.
Blue looked him up and down. ‘I didn’t bring my runners.’
‘I want to go alone.’ The last thing he needed was company, and the last thing Blue needed was him at the moment.
‘Trouble in paradise?’
‘I’m going.’ Kurt stepped outside. There was a bite to the air and it was dark already. If he headed for the oval there might be lights on, if not he’d run in the dark.
‘Fine. I’ll send the cops out to look for your body in an hour.’
‘Sounds good.’ Kurt tossed him the keys. No one was going to mug him tonight. It was too cold and he was in too much of a bad mood. He wasn’t an easy target.
He walked down the driveway and gave himself a couple of hundred metres to warm up and then started running, gradually building up pace. Streetlights sparkled on broken glass on the footpath. The scent of dinners being cooked wafted out. Snatches of music carried on the breeze. Arguments too.
He wanted that argument now. It would feel better than this. Anything would feel better that this. His stride lengthened as he pushed harder, as if he could outrun the pain. He’d see her tomorrow, ring her. Go to her house. He didn’t care, but this wasn’t going to be their goodbye. But with every footfall he knew it was. The logical part of his brain knew this would hurt less in the long run. He didn’t want their last words to be angry, and he didn’t want her resenting him for not listening to her. She’d done this before. She knew what to expect.
Rainy didn’t want him at the pier, not because she didn’t care or because she was embarrassed, but because she did care.
He stopped at the oval and walked, his chest heaving. People were on the oval practising soccer under the lights. Kids and adults were on different parts of the field, all in uniform doing drills. He watched them for a moment as they did shuttle runs or kicked the ball to each other.
What the hell was he going to do for four months?
After a few minutes his breathing settled. He needed to keep moving or his body was going to cool down. Blue was waiting for him to get home and offload about the latest Kylie drama.
Kurt sighed and looked at the grass.
He was going to have no one to talk to or go out with for the next four months. All his friends were sailing, along with his girlfriend. Ellis really had been his whole life. He looked up at the soccer players then walked toward the man who looked like the adults’ coach.
***
‘So, what has Kylie done this time?’ Kurt refilled his glass and had another drink of water. He’d known Blue would be waiting, even though he’d been out for close to an hour by the time he’d got the details about the soccer club.
The TV was off and Blue had an empty cup of coffee. It wasn’t looking good. Usually he came around to vent, to watch TV and drink beer. This time it was serious. James Tasker was never quiet and contemplative. Loud and sweary, a little bit of a shit-stirrer, and an all-round nice guy who’d managed to fuck up his life through a litany of bad choices.
If Kurt had done a few things differently, it could’ve been him with the knocked-up girlfriend and no options. Somehow he’d gotten lucky and ended up with Rainy. He wasn’t going to fuck it up before she sailed. He’d have to man up and get through it.
Blue shook his head. ‘You first.’
‘Rainy doesn’t want to see me again before she sails. She doesn’t w
ant a scene on the pier. I get it … now.’ An hour ago, not so much.
‘That’s rough. But she’s not green. Maybe she’s smarter than we are.’
‘She’s definitely smarter than you.’ Kurt said with a smile.
‘That’s not hard.’
Kurt sat at the dining table opposite Blue. ‘What is it?’
‘She wants me to sell my bike and buy her a new car. I refused. Apparently I don’t care about her or the baby.’
‘What’s wrong with her car?’
‘It’s a clapped-out station wagon. I offered to put five grand toward a new second-hand car. But that wasn’t enough.’
‘So you’d end up with the clapped-out wagon?’
Blue laughed. ‘If she had her way I’d be walking. I want to leave the bike here when we … I … sail. Actually, I want to leave a few things here.’
Kurt narrowed his eyes as a frown formed. ‘Why?’
Blue grimaced and looked away. ‘I’m pretty fucking sure she’s still using. I found another bag of dope. I want it to look like I’ve been staying here. I have a really bad feeling about this, but I don’t know what to do.’
‘Speak to someone, before you sail.’
‘I need this trip. I need to get my PO logbook done. I need to get away from her.’ Blue grimaced, picked up his coffee cup and put it down when he realised it was empty.
‘But you’ll have something on record if something does go wrong.’
‘What if she takes off with the kid while I’m away?’
‘You are the money, she doesn’t have access to your account?’ Kurt had often wondered how deep Kylie’s hands were in his pockets.
‘Fuck no. But I transfer her some every payday. She lives for free in my house and hasn’t worked in two months. My father was right. Shit will always find me. I am a fuck-up.’ He raked his fingers through his hair. ‘Fuck.’
‘You can leave your stuff here. I’ll put it in the spare room, and put a mattress in there so it looks like it was lived in.’
Blue nodded. ‘Do you know why I joined the navy?’
‘To get away from your father?’ That was the reason Blue made public, but Kurt had the feeling it was much worse.
‘When I was sixteen I got in a bit of trouble, nothing too bad. Broke into the school, smoked some dope, the usual. My father was the Chief of Police in Victoria at the time. I got charged, but got a suspended sentence. My father vowed to cut me out of the Tasker money unless I joined the Defence Force, he was hoping I’d finish school and go to Duntroon and become an Army officer. I picked the navy and joined as a pleb as soon as I was old enough just to piss him off. Now I have to do twenty years or I get nothing from him.’
‘So you got a twenty-year sentence for smoking some weed?’ That’s crazy. What kind of parent acted like that? More to the point, why was Blue still letting his father pull the strings?
‘Yeah, awesome hey.’
‘So kiss the money goodbye and do what you want.’ Nothing could persuade him to stay in the navy anymore. He was moving on. Did Blue hate his job, or just the circumstances and his girlfriend?
Blue closed his eyes. ‘Would you kiss away a three mil inheritance?’
Kurt whistled softly. Wow, it was no wonder he didn’t make that public knowledge. ‘Does Kylie know?’
‘No, and I have already changed my will so she gets nothing, my kid will get it—if it’s my kid and only after they turn twenty-one.’
‘Does your father know?’
Blue shook his head. ‘I don’t even want to have that conversation. Kylie is not the kind of daughter-in-law he wants. She was fun when it was good and a bitch when it was bad. I don’t see a way out of this if she keeps her shit at my house and I get caught and thrown out of the navy.’ Blue made a slicing gesture across his neck. ‘My father made it clear that if I ever got charged with drug possession again that would be it. I will lose all my inheritance. I’m bloody lucky he never found out about last time. He’d have read the riot act about that.’
Blue had already come close to that once before. He was lucky it had been only a positive test, not a police charge. If the navy kicked him out, it was more than his job he’d be losing. He had three million reasons to keep his nose clean. But being with Kylie had never been about anything but the sex—which he wasn’t getting anyway—and the drugs.
‘Have you spoken to Kylie, surely she doesn’t want to destroy her meal ticket?’
Blue looked at him. ‘I’m not that stupid. I’ve tried. Her sister has tried to reason with her, for the baby if not for herself. I want to kick her out, but it’s my kid. I can’t walk away.’
Kurt raised his eyebrows.
‘I’m ninety per cent sure it’s mine.’
‘And if it’s not?’ Would Kylie destroy Blue out of revenge?
‘Well, I’ll deal with that when I get home.’ He shrugged. ‘Have to wait until it’s born.’
Kurt shook his head. This was getting worse and worse. If it was him, he’d be kicking Kylie out and paying the child support if it was his and visiting on the weekends. Parents didn’t need to live together. But he came from a broken family, Blue didn’t. Even though he didn’t get on with his father, Blue would never walk away from his family, because they were family. And now Kylie was included. ‘You need to deal with it before you leave. Or at least say something to someone.’
‘I have. You.’
‘You know what I mean.’ There was no way he was qualified to deal with this; besides, his word would mean nothing. Blue needed to speak to the psychs at least.
‘And I don’t know where to start. I can’t. I can’t risk getting the boot. Five years ago I was still so pissed with my father I didn’t care … now, fuck. I wish I’d never met her. I’m going to end up like Smithy. A lifer with a wife he hates. Or worse. Shit.’ Blue rubbed his hands over his face. ‘Can you keep an eye on things?’
‘She hates me. She doesn’t like any of your navy friends. We’re all lying, cheating, alcoholics.’ That was what she’s said last time Blue had invited a few people over. That from a woman who sucked up cocaine like candy.
‘You’re almost out and almost married.’
Kurt leaned back in his seat. ‘No I’m not. We’ve been on a few dates, so quit lining up wedding bells.’ They may not even last the four-month trip. No, he had to start thinking they would.
‘You wait, within six months of getting out you’ll be the stay-at-home hubby to a navy wife.’ Blue smiled. ‘Lucky fuck.’
Kurt shook his head. They were barely dating—which was why thinking about her and how he wouldn’t be seeing her for months hurt like he’d stabbed himself and was tipping vinegar and salt on the wound for kicks. It felt as though they weren’t getting a fair shot before it was being tested. ‘Go and see a psych. Don’t make any more mistakes, James.’
Blue looked at Kurt. ‘Yeah, you seem to be smarter than I am. Maybe I should start listening.’
If he was smart he’d put all thoughts of Rainy out of his head until Monday, when the boat sailed.
***
Her parents had decided that a big family dinner was exactly what was needed on Saturday. It wasn’t. What she wanted was to go to the movies and do things on her own since she wouldn’t be by herself for another four months. She closed her eyes for a moment and tried not to think about how small the boat actually was and how full it would feel once everyone was onboard and the hatches were sealed.
It would be like workups only less stressful, maybe. The comp log loomed in her mind. She wanted to be qualified by the time they got home.
‘A glass of champagne to celebrate.’
Rainy opened her eyes as her mother poured the bubbly. ‘We should celebrate when I get home. When I have my dolphins.’
‘It doesn’t matter that you’re a trainee, you still deserve a celebration before you sail. First submariner in the family.’ Her father kissed her cheek.
The glasses chinked and Rainy sipped her champagne. T
hey were all so happy for her. Her heart twinged and she wished Kurt was there joining in the celebration. They’d invited him—because Sunny had told them she was seeing someone.
They’d been disappointed he couldn’t be there. She was too. Was she doing this the wrong way? Then she thought about Monday morning and the teary farewells that would be happening around her. ‘No one is coming to the pier, right?’
‘Oh, honey we want to,’ her mother cooed.
‘Please. It’s going to be hard enough as it is. But I want you there when I come home.’ She’d given them the rough dates for when they’d be in port, however she’d also warned them that it was subject to change and she’d call them first when she got there. They also had all the familygram codes, her email, and her postal address. They always wrote. She always got mail while away. It must be really hard to see others getting messages and to get nothing yourself.
‘If you’re sure, but it would be nice to see you off,’ her dad set the roast in the middle of the table and started carving the lamb.
‘I’ve already had this argument with her.’ Sunny shook her head, as if in disbelief that Rainy wouldn’t cave and change her mind.
‘This is the seeing me off part.’ It was easier when they were on the other side of the country. Then it was just a phone call.
‘But I want to see the submarine.’ Lily scowled.
‘When I get home you can, but when we’re preparing to leave it’s busy and I have to be there early. Did you know there’s a boat in Fremantle at the Maritime Museum? Maybe Sunny will take you around.’
‘Is it the same as your boat?’ Lily fixed her with a stare that was much like her mother’s.
‘No, it the old Oberon Class.’ There’d been no women on those boats and from the tales she’d heard she was glad. Hot bunking and cramped conditions, and then the competitions to see who could go the longest without a shower—to save water of course—no, the Collins Class were much more civilised.
Lily shook her head and crossed her arms. ‘I want to see yours.’