Little Disquietude

by C. E. Case

  "I've never had anyone defend me before," Leah murmured. "It was so. Well. Hot."

  "Hot?"

  "I can't explain how much it made me want to thank you."

  Sophia pulled back from the hug to look into Leah's face. Leah kissed her, gently, and when Sophia sighed against her mouth she kissed her again, cupping her cheeks and taking her fill until Sophia sucking on her lower lip became too arousing a distraction.

  "Really?" Sophia asked.

  Leah kept kissing her, nuzzling the corner of her mouth, exhaling against her eyebrows, rubbing noses with her, until Sophia said, "Um. Uh."

  "What?"

  "Leah--Am I just some young ingénue to you?"

  "What?" It seemed to be the only word in Leah's vocabulary; the whole night, the whole universe, condensed into a confused blur. She waited for an answer.

  Sophia attempted to answer, and said, "You're Leah Fisher. You were in the paper before you came down."

  Leah had framed the little blurb in the back of the arts section and sent a copy to her mother. "Composer Adam Grenald brings New York leading lady, Leah Fisher, to the Durham Playhouse for the world premiere of his musical, Poe, based on the works of Edgar Allen Poe. For ticket information..." She squinted at Sophia and said, "You got a whole half-paragraph for Macbeth. So?"

  "You didn't even have to perform to get into the paper. Everyone couldn't wait to see you. And here you are, beautiful and amazing and, hell, no one even thought you were gay."

  "I'm not--" Leah thought of Grace, and the way Sophia made her feel, just by touching her arm, and how no man had ever done that for her, no matter how many she took home from parties, or the ensemble, or from the corner of 42nd St. and Broadway. "I am," she said.

  "If you just picked me for your little regional fling," Sophia said, "You can pick someone else."

  "No." Leah tried to gather her thoughts. "New York is like that. That's why I left. I don't want to be like that." She leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes.

  Sophia's breathing, slow and even, was audible, filling the space between them in the car.

  Leah licked her lips and said, "This is the weirdest night. Really?"

  Sophia laughed.

  Leah rolled her head toward Sophia and opened her eyes. "I had no idea. I was too busy noticing you to see anything else."

  Sophia settled back against the window.

  "Regional fling? Anyone I want?" Leah asked.

  Sophia nodded.

  Leah brushed Sophia's hair, sliding her fingers along the curls, scooting closer. "Even you?"

  Sophia's blush deepened. Her chest was as flushed as her face.

  Leah fingered the strap of her dress. "I love this dress."

  "Why do you think I wore it?"

  "For me?"

  Sophia lifted her foot and rubbed it against Leah's calf. "Yeah."

  Leah knelt and braced her hands on either side of Sophia, against the car door, and kissed her. Sophia kissed her back, nipping at her lips. Leah leaned her weight to one side, and slid her free hand over Sophia's shoulder, across the top of her chest, and lower. Sophia murmured encouragement as Leah fingered the top edge of her dress.

  She pulled her mouth away from Sophia's to kiss her neck and then her shoulder. Her arm gave way. She toppled sideways, sticking out a foot to brace herself against the floor of the car. Sophia laughed and grabbed her, hauling her back up, and twisting around. They sat side by side. Leah wrapped her weakened arm around Sophia.

  "Hey," Leah said. "We really did fog up the windows."

  Sophia drew a heart in the window, and then leaned into Leah. "I'm so tired," she said.

  "Me, too."

  Sophia laughed. She covered her face with both hands.

  Leah kissed her hair.

  Sophia inhaled sharply.

  "Let me get you something caffeinated, and we'll go home."

  Sophia patted her thigh, and asked, "Are you sure you can go alone?"

  "I'm brave," Leah said.

  "Diet, then. Anything."

  Leah touched a kiss to her lips, and then got out of the car. Outside, the air was cool against her flushed skin. She shivered.

  She came back with soda to see Sophia had moved to the driver's seat, and was smiling at her approach. Waiting for her. She got in the car, and handed a soda to Sophia.

  "Two more hours," Sophia said. "What can keep us awake for two more hours?"

  "Showtunes."

  "You start."

  Leah closed her eyes, rested against the headrest, and sang.

  Chapter Eighteen

  "Wake up," Sophia said.

  Leah opened her eyes. "I wasn't asleep," she said but her hoarse, sleep-filled voice betrayed her. She licked her lips. "I was dreaming of--" How to describe the odd figures dancing through her mind. British? Medieval? And yet, not--

  "Spamalot, probably."

  "God. Yes. Thank you." Leah rolled her head to the side. Sophia had turned off the ignition and unbuckled her seat belt. She reached over to Leah to unbuckle hers.

  "Why was I dreaming of Spamalot?" Leah asked.

  "I was playing it in the car."

  "Were you singing along?"

  "Yes. Did you dream of me?"

  "No."

  Sophia looked disappointed.

  "You probably didn't want to be in that dream, anyway. I think David Hyde Pierce was naked. Wait."

  "Wait?"

  Leah clambered out of the car, nearly strangling herself in the seat belt even though Sophia had unclicked it. She walked around the car and opened the door for Sophia.

  "Thanks," Sophia said, as Leah pulled her up.

  "Purely self-interest," Leah said. She wrapped her arms around Sophia and pushed her face into Sophia's neck.

  Sophia hugged her waist, and said, "Oh." They stood together under the parking lot lights until Leah began to sway, and her eyes drifted shut.

  Sophia squeezed her harder.

  Leah lifted her head and said, "Maybe I should--"

  "Come in."

  "Yes." Leah felt her face grow warm. This hesitation, this unknowing what was beyond the next kiss, or the next week, fueled by exhaustion, made her uncertain of where to touch Sophia, and what to expect. She asked, "What time is it?"

  "Three in the morning."

  "You seem perky."

  "That's because your eyes are almost closed," Sophia said.

  Leah dropped her arm to Sophia's waist and guided her to the entrance.

  Sophia let her into the same room she'd seen before. There were more clothes hanging in the closet, and draped on the dresser, and the suitcase had been put away in favor of piles of clothes, papers, and various lotions on the second bed.

  "I wasn't expecting company," Sophia said.

  "Really?"

  "Okay, I just didn't have time. Are you going to leave because there's crap on the floor?"

  "No," Leah said. She went to the bed and sat on it. "But... I didn't bring anything to wear."

  Sophia yawned, and then covered her mouth, and blushed.

  "I mean, to bed."

  Sophia looked her over. Leah blushed under the scrutiny, and found it arousing when Sophia's gaze lingered on her lower regions.

  "I'll lend you a shirt," Sophia said.

  "Will it fit?"

  "Everything I have will fit," Sophia said. She gave Leah a wry grin.

  Leah pulled off her shirt and draped it over a chair. She waited for Sophia to toss her a T shirt that said Michigan Summer Stock before turning away and putting the shirt around her neck. She unhooked her bra and then tossed it in the general direction of the chair, and then put the shirt on. When she turned around, Sophia had disappeared into the bathroom. The water ran.

  The air conditioner was on. Leah pulled down the blankets on the bed. She couldn't remember how Sophia liked them. Comforter off? On top of sheets or under? She asked, "What do I do with the comforter?"

  "The what?"

  "The big blanket on top."
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  "Floor," Sophia called.

  Leah shucked off her pants, folded them over her shirt, and then slipped into the bed, under the sheet. She asked, "Right side or left?"

  "I really don't care," Sophia said. She came back into the room, wearing a silk robe over what actually looked like lingerie.

  Leah rubbed her eyes. No, just a nightgown, which stopped mid-thigh. She tilted her head and looked questioningly at Sophia.

  "I like to be comfortable," Sophia said.

  "Really."

  "You should try it. I feel rich beyond measure."

  Sophia hadn't taken a step toward the bed. She looked at Leah, in her shirt, under her sheets.

  "Come to bed," Leah said.

  Sophia shook her head.

  "I'm not going to attack you," Leah said.

  Sophia smiled. "I know that. It's just--"

  Leah pulled the sheets up to her chin.

  "You look kind of ravishing," Sophia finished. She settled onto the side of the bed. "Um, what time do you need to be up?"

  "I don't know what day it is."

  "Friday--well, Saturday."

  "I have rehearsal at eleven. Adam's a sadist."

  "He's brilliant."

  "He's a brilliant sadist," Leah said. Her eyes drifted closed. The lights went out. The mattress shifted, and a weight settled onto her stomach. She groped for it and found Sophia's hand. She was beginning to anticipate Sophia's touch, to be turned on by the slightest brush of skin. Need tried to wake her up. She opened her eyes.

  Sophia was lying on her side, facing Leah, and she seemed already almost asleep.

  "Night, Sophie," Leah said.

  Sophia's lips worked, but she didn't say anything.

  "You have a cute nose," Leah said.

  Sophia's nose wrinkled.

  Leah grinned, and closed her eyes, and held Sophia's hand.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The alarm went off. Leah screamed, jolted awake by the sound. Sophia rolled over and smacked the clock, and the blaring sound silenced.

  "What time is it?" Leah asked, panting.

  "Nine," Sophia said.

  "I've got to get home," Leah said.

  Sophia nodded sleepily. She snuggled into her pillow.

  Leah had a raging headache, but she hoped the adrenaline from being scared awake would get her back to the house where she could shower. Six hours of sleep wasn't that bad.

  "Sophie," she called.

  Sophia rolled onto her back. Her eyes were still closed.

  Leah knelt over her on the bed." I don't know when we'll get to see each other again."

  "At work?" Sophia asked.

  "I meant, for like a date."

  Sophia smiled. Leah leaned down and kissed her. Sophia kept her lips closed, still smiling, and when they parted and Leah drew back, Sophia said, "Come back tonight, then."

  "After your show?"

  Sophia took Leah's hand and brought it to her breast, and pressed it there, against the silk. Leah kissed Sophia again, and this time Sophia tilted her chin back and offered herself to Leah, her tongue flicking against Leah's. Leah sighed against her kiss.

  The snooze alarm went off.

  Leah yelped. She turned off the alarm and climbed out of bed, and said, "I'm going, I'm going."

  Sophia stretched. Leah made the mistake of looking back when she got to the hotel door, to see Sophia lying in bed, barely covered by the sheer gown, smiling invitingly at Leah. Her hair splayed across the pillow and her bare legs had worked out from under the sheets.

  Leah's cell phone buzzed. She waved to Sophia and went out into the hallway and closed the door. She sagged against the wall. The phone was insistent.

  "Where are you?" Adam asked when she flipped it open.

  "Sophie's," Leah said.

  "Are you all right?"

  "Oh, yeah."

  "Are you coming to work?" Adam asked. He sounded pissy, and Leah tried not to giggle at him. Giddiness was cruel to the non-giddy first thing in the morning.

  "Absolutely," she said.

  "Okay."

  "See you in ten minutes at the house?" Leah asked.

  "I'll make pancakes."

  "I love you."

  "How nice."

  * * *

  "Again," Adam said. The piano started. The artificial wind blew.

  Leah began to sing, "Yearning heart I did inherit--"

  "I'm hungry," Ward said.

  The stage hands, in the wings with the fan where Adam couldn't see them, snickered. Leah smiled at them. They waved. One mimed eating a hamburger.

  "It's a penultimate dress rehearsal," Adam said. "Get it?"

  "And I have to pee," Ward said.

  Adam sighed. "Take ten, then."

  Ward bounded into the wings. Leah went to follow.

  "Not you, Leah. Once again, from the top."

  The piano started. Leah looked at the back of the room, at the white light shining right into her eyes, a distant sun burning, and sang, "Yearning heart I did inherit the withering portion--"

  "Stop," Adam said.

  Leah's mouth closed. The piano stopped. The violin player tapped his bow against the sheet music.

  Adam leaned on the front of the stage, and put his chin on his hands, propped up by his elbows.

  "Was I not yearning enough?" Leah asked.

  "You're yearning for the wrong thing. Where's the despair of wanting the unattainable? Where's the Goth?"

  "You said the Goth would be cliche for Poe, Adam."

  "That doesn't mean go Disney."

  Leah sighed. Without the artificial wind the costume made her sweat. She wiped her brow. "I'm doing the best I can," she said, and it sounded like whining, even to her ears.

  "You're not focused."

  "You mean my life isn't all about your musical?"

  "It should be," Adam said. "We open in three days."

  "I'll be ready."

  "You should be ready now."

  Leah's thoughts were far away, on Sophia, even as she looked at Adam. It was like he could see Sophia reflected in her irises, because he added, "I didn't bring you down here to have some torrid affair."

  "No? Like the one you and Ward are having?"

  "That's different. I don't pine for him."

  She laughed, loud and bitter, and hoped the stage hands weren't listening. "I'm not pining," she said.

  "She's all you've thought about all day, and damnit, Leah, I need you to think about the show."

  "Adam--"

  "I fought for you. I could have brought anyone down."

  Every word hurt. She walked away from him and began to pace the stage.

  "If you're not going to sleep with her, get over her," Adam said.

  "How do you know I haven't--?"

  "You're not exactly euphoric. You're not thinking straight, and you're not acting, and--" Adam banged the stage. "--I need a break. If we fail, it's all on you, Leah. This was your big chance."

  She stopped walking and stared at him. He went up the aisle, to the back of the auditorium. He slammed the door.

  Ward came back from the wings with a Coke. He popped the top. "Directors," he said.

  She closed her eyes.

  "Is he like that in New York, too?" Ward asked.

  "This is his first big musical. His break. He finally found the backers. El dinero."

  "Hm," Ward said.

  "But yes. He's always like this."

  Ward nudged her. She opened her eyes. He offered her the Coke.

  "Thanks," she said.

  "He's right, though. You've got to fall in love with me."

  "I can pretend," she said.

  "Acting isn't pretending."

  She took a sip of Coke.

  "I don't mind that you're not in love with me," he said.

  She nodded.

  "You should still let everything show. Come on. Let it hang out." His drawl was more pronounced, for effect, and he slouched dramatically.

  "Are you saying I'm h
olding back?"

  "You are."

  "Maybe I just can't do it. I haven't hit those notes in a week," Leah said.

  "Did you really come down to North Carolina to get laid?"

  "No."

  "To reinvent yourself?"

  "What are you, a shrink?"

  "To escape?" he asked.

  "All of the fucking above."

  "And Adam Grenald wrote it all down for you. All you have to do is follow along. It's right there. All of your personal crap, adapted for the stage by Eddie fucking Poe."

  "Oh, come on. Not just that."

  "Yeah. Follow along, and feel. I know you feel something."

  "So look at you and think of someone else?"

  "If that's even possible, darling," Ward said.

  Chapter Twenty

  In the weeks they'd been rehearsing she'd gotten used to Ward. He was insufferable and demeaning and petty, but he was predictable and she knew his habits. She'd acclimated to his presence. And he to hers. He didn't do the things that made her cringe, unless directed to by Adam, and he listened to her incessant chatter about New York parties and annoying parents.

  He talked mostly about acting, and sometimes about music, and though she felt she'd kill him if he mentioned Stella Adler or the outdoor amphitheaters of the Appalachians one more time, she probably wouldn't know how to act once she got back to New York and he wasn't rambling on beside her.

  And Adam could direct him, could make him change and mold himself. Harder, softer, shorter, three seconds more, put his hand an inch above Leah's elbow--no, two inches. Leah had told Ward he'd be a great television actor one day, where everything had to be perfect, instead of fluid.

  Adam came back from break. His eyes were glassy and swollen, and he walked with more energy than he'd had before he left, leaning on the stage and attacking Leah with words.

  She had tried, in her younger years, to make her blood burn like fire through her body, to scream her commercials and belt her songs, until her throat dried up and she'd lost weight and she felt outside herself.

  Ward was right; no pretending.

  Adam said, "All right. We're going to go through the entire thing. No stopping, no starting. Full band. Full voices--goat your notes, Leah, if you want, but don't fucking cut them off. Ward, use your whole body."