Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I felt him tense and he tilted my face toward his. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” I shook my head, hoping to soothe his alarm.

  “You’re still upset about the school and job thing, aren’t you? I told you—”

  “No,” I cut him off. “I just wanted to tell you I love you.”

  “I love you too. Now and forever, Araya.”

  I felt my heart crumble in my chest and the pain was unbearable.

  “Now and forever.” I agreed.

  “I’ll be right back, okay?”

  I nodded and then I was standing there alone. I suddenly felt cold and I wrapped my arms around myself, rubbing my arms up and down.

  I didn’t want to move, but I also knew I didn’t have a lot of time before Ryland returned. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

  “You were listening.” It wasn’t a question or an accusation.

  He nodded his response and then realized what he had done and cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

  I nodded. “Ask me again.”

  “What?” he asked, confused.

  I turned my head in his direction and whispered. “Ask me again.”

  “Truth or Dare?”

  “Both.”

  Ryland

  Thirty-Five

  “I hope you’re hungry, because I got a crap-ton of food!” I announced, coming through the door twenty minutes later. I’d taken into account that Araya couldn’t remember Chinese food and that made ordering hard.

  Sebastian was sitting on the edge of the couch, and he looked up the minute I came through the door. A quick sweep around the living room told me Araya wasn’t in there.

  “Where is she?” I asked, walking through the swinging door to the kitchen.

  It was dark and empty. I put down the bags of Chinese food and went back through the door. Sebastian was standing now with his hands in his pockets.

  “You going to be here long enough to eat?” I asked him, looking down the hallway. It was dark. I figured I might as well apologize to him now while Araya was in the other room. “Hey, about earlier, man, I’m sorry we used your bedroom. I’ll buy you new sheets.” I joked.

  I didn’t wait for him to answer before I took off toward the bathroom. The door was cracked, but the light was off. Frowning, I turned to the bedroom door behind me and pushed it open. The room was empty and dark too.

  “Where is Araya?” I said as calm as I could coming back into the living room.

  “Sit down, Ryland.”

  His words sent me into an instant state of panic.

  “Where is she, Sebastian? Araya!” I hollered and waited for her to jump out and say, “Gotcha!.”

  There was nothing but silence.

  “She’s gone, Ryland.”

  I was shaking my head before the end of the sentence.

  “Knock it off, Sebastian. Where is she? Araya!” I yelled her name throughout the apartment, going through the rooms again.

  I passed him on the way to the kitchen again.

  “She’s gone, Ryland,” he repeated and tried to grab my arm, but I shook him off, calling out her name again.

  I came from the kitchen and my fists were clenched at my sides and I tried to suppress the urge to punch Sebastian in the face. He eyed my hands too and looked at me.

  “You don’t want to do that, Ryland.”

  “You wanna bet? Where the hell is she, Sebastian? Did they come for her? Did you let them take her?” I was yelling.

  “Just let me explain,” he said calmly, holding up his hands.

  “Explain faster,” I hissed through clenched teeth.

  My breath was coming in quick pants as it tried to keep up with the speeding of my heart.

  “Nobody found her. She left on her own, little brother.”

  “What do you mean she left on her own? She wouldn’t have done that? Did you say something to her?

  “No, I didn’t say anything to her.”

  “Then why didn’t you try to stop her?”

  “Because I’m not her keeper, Ryland, and neither are you. You were trying to take care of her instead of be with her. She didn’t want that.”

  “Don’t! Don’t try to tell me what I was doing.”

  “Fine,” he said, backing off and holding up his hands.

  “Where did she go?”

  “I don’t know”

  “Where did she go, Sebastian?” I roared

  “I don’t know! She wouldn’t tell me. She didn’t want to ask me to lie to you. She just asked me to call her a cab and I did.”

  “You called her a cab? Why would you do that? Why couldn’t you wait until I got back?

  “Because you wanted to quit school, Ryland. She didn’t want that for you.”

  I took a step forward and swung, and my fist connected with his nose before he could register what I was doing. I wasn’t exactly in the same fighting league as Sebastian, but I had the element of surprise on my side and he fell back a step, holding his nose. I shook my hand, grimacing, and glared at him.

  “I thought I could count on at least you,” I spat, pointing a finger at him.

  I took off toward the front door.

  “Where are you going?” he called as I threw open the door and walked out. “It’s for the best, Ryland!”

  I heard him yell as I walked down the hallway.

  ***

  I shoved open the doors to J.D.’s office and they swung wide, hitting the wall hard. As the doorknob penetrated the wall, the sound of crushed drywall hitting the floor resonated.

  I caught him by surprise with my entrance, but when he saw it was me, he composed himself. I marched up to his desk and slammed my fists down.

  The glass on top rattled and shook and he looked down at it and then back up at me.

  “What did you do?” I demanded.

  He didn’t even bat an eye when he said, “She wasn’t good enough for you.”

  “That wasn’t your damn choice to make!” I growled.

  “I was doing what was in your best interest, Ryland. She would have ruined you. You’ll thank me one day.”

  “The hell I will! She’s the best damn thing to happen to me in a long time. You’re not going to take that away from me. I’ve let you take away too much already.”

  “You’ve let me?” He stood up and placed his hands on his desk. He leaned into me and we squared off. “You don’t let me do anything, son. I take what I want, when I want.”

  “I’m not your son. Where is she?”

  “I put in the effort to take her from you. Why would I just tell you where she is?”

  “I’ve never asked you for anything, J.D., my entire life, not a damn thing, but I’m asking you for this. Tell me where she is.”

  “This is all very white knight in shining armor of you and all. It’s heartwarming really, but I just can’t do that.”

  “Damn it!” I pounded on his desk again and turned away, running my hand through my hair.

  Nothing was going to change his mind now. No matter how much I begged or pleaded, he wasn’t going to tell me where she was because he liked being in control and right now he held all the cards.

  I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction, but I was a desperate man. I wouldn’t beg him again.

  “I don’t know what happened to you to make you such a heartless prick, but I don’t plan to ever end up like you.” I swore and turned for the door.

  “I’ll make you a deal, son.”

  I didn’t want to, but I stopped and turned my head, just enough to let him know he had my attention.

  “You come to work for me, like planned, and I’ll tell you where she is.”

  “What’s the catch?”

  There was always a catch with J.D.

  “I won’t tell you where she is until after a year’s time.”

  I whirled on him. “A year?”

  “I need to make sure you’re going to stay there and not run off with her after I’ve told you. It’s my insurance pol
icy.”

  “Why is it so important to you that I join the company?” There had to be something he wasn’t telling me.

  “I need my legacy to live past me. You’re going to be the one to do it, son. It’s a year. It’ll fly by and I guarantee you won’t find her otherwise. I made sure of that.”

  I knew I was making a deal with the devil and when you did that, no matter what was promised, you rarely got out of hell alive, and you never got out with your soul.

  I turned on my heel and stalked back to his desk shoving my hand in his face. He looked at it and grinned, grabbing it firmly.

  I jerked his arm forward, and his stomach cut into the edge of the desk, which shook from the force. His eyes went wide with shock as I brought him face to face with me and snarled.

  “I swear to God, if you go back on your end of the deal, it will be the last thing you ever do, J.D. I promise you that.”

  ***

  I slammed the front door behind me and jogged down the steps toward my car. I wish I felt good after my threat, but a threat was nothing to J.D. He didn’t expect me to actually follow through on it, so what was there to fear?

  I said I would wait a year, but if I found her before then, and I would be looking, I would break my end before J.D. had the chance to beat me to it.

  The gravel made little dust clouds in the air as I trudged to my car. I pulled my door open just as the front door opened, and I looked up to see Careless coming toward me.

  “Ryland, wait!” she called.

  “Not now, Careless. I’m not in the mood.”

  “Just listen to me.”

  I sat in the car and put the keys in the ignition the same time she reached my car and put her hands on the edge of the door.

  “I can help you.”

  I frowned. “What are you talking about?” I jumped out of the car and shut the door, towering over her. “You know where Araya is?”

  “No, but—”

  “But nothing, Careless. You can’t help me.” I pulled open the car door again, but she grabbed my arm.

  “I can find out where he sent her.”

  I eyed her suspiciously and shook my head. “I told you, Careless, you can’t make things right between us.”

  She sighed, looking hurt. She pulled on the sleeves of her grey sweater, covering her hands, and crossed her arms around her middle.

  “I’m not trying to make anything right, Ryland. I’m just trying to do what’s right. Let me help you find out where she is. Please.”

  And because I didn’t have a better plan, I agreed.

  ***

  I pushed open the door to Sebastian’s apartment and kicked it closed with the back of my foot.

  “Careful. That’s the only door I have and I still haven’t gotten that renter’s insurance.”

  My shoulders sagged in disappointment. I hadn’t expected him to be here. I would have gone somewhere else, but I was afraid if Araya changed her mind and came back, no one would be here for her.

  I didn’t turn to acknowledge him. I just tossed my keys onto the side table and they landed with a loud clap.

  “Why are you sitting in the dark?” I shoved my hands in my pocket.

  “I was just trying to see what it felt like.”

  I turned my head to look at him. “What?”

  “Living in darkness, like Araya does.”

  “And?”

  “She’s a brave girl. I hate the dark.”

  He leaned over and turned on the small table lamp. The light felt like I was looking into the sun and I squinted.

  “Shit, that hurts,” Sebastian complained, rubbing his watery eyes.

  “What happened to your fight?”

  “I figured one busted nose was good for the night. No need to test my bad luck with a guy who would actually be trying to break it.”

  “I was actually trying to break it,” I informed him dryly.

  He snorted a laugh. “More reason to stay home.” He reached between his legs and pulled out a beer from the floor. “Beer?”

  I stared at his hand and then looked at him. “I’m not very good company right now.”

  “That’s how I am most days, little brother. Sit.”

  I gave in and grabbed the beer, sitting in the chair opposite from him. The can opened with a pop and fizzled as I brought it up to my lips, throwing my head back. It was half empty when I pulled it away.

  “Take it easy. We have all night.”

  “You called my girlfriend a cab and let the one man we despise send her away. You don’t get to tell me what to do. Ever.” I took another swig and crushed the empty can, tossing it behind my head. It was the first time I’d called Araya my girlfriend.

  “Hostile, destructive, and a slob.” Sebastian picked up the case of beer and put it on the table between us. “Looks like I’m going to be carrying someone to their bed when the night’s over.”

  “I sleep on your pullout couch. I can stumble there like a big drunk boy.” I leaned forward, took another beer, and drank half of it in one swallow.

  “I don’t think J.D. had anything to do with Araya leaving.”

  “He set everything up. He put ideas in her head.”

  “That may be true, but you confirmed her fears, Ryland. You made her feel like she was going to be a burden with all that talk about leaving school and needing to stay with her and take care of her.”

  “That’s not what I meant!” I said defensively.

  “How else was she supposed to take it?”

  “She let J.D. get into her head. I could—”

  My phone started to go off, cutting off what I was going to say. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the lit screen.

  I jumped out of my chair, swiping my finger across the screen. I caught Sebastian’s confused look before I turned, putting the phone to my ear.

  “Araya?”

  My heart was pounding so hard I could barely hear anything other than the roar of it.

  “Yes,” she said calmly.

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m calling from a payphone,” she whispered. “You’d think these things were as old as dinosaurs the way the cab driver acted when I asked him to stop at one. I didn’t realize no one uses them anymore.”

  “Where’s the phone I got you? I tried calling you a million times. You should have taken it with you at least.”

  “I left it on the bed in the room. I couldn’t take it with me, Ryland. I couldn’t trust myself not to call you.”

  “You were worried I would track you by it,” I accused.

  “I thought it might be a possibility.”

  “Why can’t I know where you’re going?”

  “Because it’s better this way, Ryland. We needed a clean break.”

  “A clean break? Araya, what the hell’s going on? I thought everything was fine when I left. You said you weren’t upset.”

  “You wouldn’t have left if I hadn’t said what I had.”

  “I just want to see you. I promise we’ll just talk. Can I meet you somewhere?”

  “I can’t. They’re expecting me in the morning.”

  “Who’s expecting you?”

  “I just called to say good-bye, Ryland. I knew I couldn’t do it face to face and you deserved more than just a letter.”

  “You don’t have to do this, Araya.”

  “Yes, I do, Ryland. I know you don’t understand, but it has to be this way.”

  “Why? You took what I said wrong earlier. I want to spend my life with you, Araya. I want all of you. I’ve never tried to fix you. I’ve always pushed you to do things yourself. I just want to love you and—”

  “And take care of me?”

  “No. You don’t need to be taken care of in that sense. I want to take care of you the way a man takes care of the woman he loves.”

  “I need to learn to be on my own before I can share my life with someone else, Ryland. There are so many things I can’t do that I should be able to. I want to dance again,
thanks to you. I never thought I could. I want to finish school too.”

  “We can do that together. I can help.”

  “You can’t help me without it becoming a full-time job, Ryland. You need to finish school and figure out what you want to do.”

  “You said forever, Araya.” I was grasping now.

  “Nothing lasts forever, Ryland.”

  “Then, damn it, let me be your nothing, Araya.”

  She didn’t respond and I knew nothing I said was going to change her mind. She was convinced I was going to ruin my life by trying to be a part of hers.

  “I have to go, but I couldn’t leave without telling you how much you’ve changed my life this summer. I could never thank you enough. I will always love you for that, Ryland. You dared me to hope when I thought I had none left. You dared me to love when I thought I couldn’t, and you dared me to live again.”

  She was killing me. “Look I know you think that I changed your life, Araya, but you saved mine. I’ll wait for you. I don’t care how long I have to wait.”

  “Ryland,” she sighed and took a breath, “I don’t expect you to wait for me. I want you to be happy and you can’t do that if you’re waiting. I needed you to hear that from me so you knew it was okay to move on.”

  “Hummingbird…”

  I wanted to say more, but she was whispering good-bye and the line went dead. I dropped the phone from my ear and squeezed it in my fist.

  When I turned around, Sebastian was staring at me, looking as helpless as I felt. Every emotion I was feeling was conforming into one until I exploded. I made an angry strangled sound and threw my phone across the room. It exploded, shattering into a million pieces at the door.

  She was gone.

  Araya

  Thrity-Six

  I hung up and took a shaky breath. My fingers were still tightly clasped around the receiver as I tried not to pick the phone back up and beg Ryland to forget everything I just said and come get me.

  “Hey, lady, I don’t have all day,” the cab driver said impatiently.

  “That meter you still have running says otherwise,” I snapped.

  He grumbled something and got back into the driver seat.

  “Fudge!” I stopped my foot. “Get it together and get in the cab, Araya.”

  I told myself I was doing the right thing. I knew I was.