Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I slide the chair closer to Maddy and try talking to her.

  “Maddy, baby. It’s me, Reid. I just wanted you to know that I’m here. I’m waiting for you to wake up, and I’m so sorry, baby. Please just wake up. I love you.” Pulling her hand up to my face, I kiss it lightly and rub her knuckles across my cheek.

  And then it happens.

  It’s slight, but I feel it; I feel her hand move in mine, so I start talking again.

  “That’s right, sweetie — I’m here, and so is Momma Crane and Mel and Cammie and Jack, too. We’re all here for you, and we all love you so much. I love you, baby, I love you so much. Please wake up for us.”

  She squeezes my hand again, and she begins to stir in the bed. I can’t hold back the tears of joy and relief that spring from my eyes.

  “Can you hear me, baby? Please open your eyes. Please, Maddy, wake up please.”

  She stops what little movement she was just making, and my heart sinks. I plant my face on the bed next to her hand and sob like a baby.

  When her hand reaches out and her fingers trace over my cheek, I stop breathing completely.

  “Hey, why all the tears?” Even though her voice is cracked and raw, it’s still the most beautiful thing I have ever heard in my life.

  She coughs at the effort she exerted over those simple words.

  “Shh. It’s okay. They’re happy tears now. God, I’m so happy you’re okay. I love you so much, Maddy.” I’m kissing her fingers and whatever part of her hand and arm that isn’t covered in the cold, hard cast. “Let me go get the nurse for you, sweetheart.”

  “No, don’t go. Please. Just stay with me. Tell me what happened.”

  For a moment, I selfishly hope that maybe she won’t remember our fight. Maybe she won’t remember all of the hateful things I said to her.

  “You were in an accident, baby. You were at an intersection about to make a left turn when someone blew the red light on the other side. They swerved to miss you and almost did. It wasn’t a direct impact, but it was still bad. You’ve been out cold for almost an entire day.”

  Maddy tries to adjust her position in the bed, but I hear her gasp in pain.

  “Please, Maddy, let me get you the nurse. She’ll get you something for the pain. I’ll be right back in.”

  Carolyn returns with me and checks Maddy’s vitals. When the doctor comes in to examine her, I leave the room with Carolyn, feeling lighter and more hopeful than I ever have in my whole life.

  As the doctor exits, he lets me know that he’s given her something for the pain and that she’ll probably be drifting in and out of sleep for a little while. Before returning to her, I call Melanie and let her know that Maddy is awake, that she’ll be okay. Mel tells me they’ll be there as soon as they can.

  After I hang up with Mel, I’m back at Maddy’s side in less than a minute, holding her hand once again. I’ll hold her hand forever if she’ll let me.

  She goes to speak, but I quiet her immediately. She needs her rest.

  “It’s okay, Maddy. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Sleep, baby. I’ll be here when you wake up. I love you.” I want to smooth my knuckles across her cheek tenderly. I want to kiss her soft sweet lips, but I don’t want her to hurt. I never want her to hurt again. Instead, I just lay my head next to her hand and let the beep of the machines lull me to sleep beside my love.

  Chapter 21

  Maddy

  The knock on my door wakes me from my light sleep. I straighten myself up in bed and tell whoever it is to come in.

  “How are you feeling this morning, Ms. Becker?” Dr. McNamara is hopeful that I can go home today, and so I am. I’ve been recovering quickly, but since I had a few broken bones in my face and nose, I had to have some minor surgery after I regained consciousness to reset them. My face is still swollen and sore, but I’ve been reassured that the scars will barely be noticeable.

  “I’m still a little sore, but I’m definitely ready to get out of here. A week in the hospital is not exactly what I had in mind.” I muster up an insincere laugh. It’s the best I can do at this point. I really just want to go home.

  Out of all the doctors I’ve seen here, I like Dr. McNamara the most. She’s young — can’t be more than her mid-thirties. Her kind brown eyes crinkle in the corners when she talks to me, and I can hear her genuine concern in every word she says.

  When she sits down in the chair next to my bed to review my discharge papers, I see a look of worry work its way across her face. She reaches out to hold my hand, the part that’s not in a cast, anyway.

  “Your final blood work came back from the lab this morning.” She pauses a beat as she reads over the paperwork in my chart, as if she’s verifying something.

  “Great. Does that mean I actually get to go home today?” I feel like a little kid at Christmas or on the last day of school.

  “It looks that way. You’re all cleared to go.” She goes over all the medications I need to take when I leave here — antibiotics to stave off possible infection, anti-inflammatories for the swelling, scar prevention cream for my stitches.

  “Thanks, I’ll get these filled as soon as I get home.” Despite my lingering aches and pains, I’m practically leaping from the bed to pack up my things.

  “You’ll also want to fill this prescription and call your gynecologist when you get settled in at home.”

  In all the chaos of the accident and then the surgery afterward, I had completely forgotten about my birth control pills. I glance down at the slip of paper in my hand, expecting to see one thing, and the world falls away from beneath me when I see something completely different.

  “I think you gave me the wrong prescription, Dr. McNamara. This says pre-natal vitamins. I need one for birth control pills.” My hand is shaking as I reach my arm out to give it back to her.

  She looks back over her paperwork and then shuffles her chair closer to the bed.

  “I’m afraid not, Ms. Becker. As part of the normal blood work-up, we do a pregnancy test, and yours came back positive. Since your numbers are still relatively low, I would assume that you aren’t very far along at all — a few weeks at the most. And considering your reaction, I’ll also assume that you didn’t already know.”

  “But I can’t be. I’m on the pill. I was on the pill. I got it from the campus clinic, and I was religious about taking it every day. How? I don’t understand?” I’m freaking out. Pregnant! How the hell did this happen?

  “How long have you been taking them?”

  “About a month or so — I think. I was supposed to start a new pack the morning after the accident.”

  “And when was your last period?” She pulls her smart phone out of her lab coat pocket and opens up what I assume is the calendar function.

  “Um, I think it was in the beginning of finals week, but it was really light. The doctor at the campus clinic said that it’s possible for my periods to be light or to not come at all, so I didn’t think much of it when it only lasted a day or so.”

  “Did they also tell you to use another method of birth control for the first month as an extra precaution?”

  “No, they never mentioned that.” The world stops spinning. How could they forget to tell me something so important?

  She clicks away at a few more things on her phone and glances back over my chart one last time before sliding her phone back in her pocket and placing my chart across her lap. She leans forward and holds my hand in both of hers. She is in full-on doctor mode as she begins explaining how this all happened.

  “For some women, the pill doesn’t always work right away. It’s very rare, but as a precaution most doctors will tell their patients to use another method of birth control during the first month while their bodies adjust to the new hormones.”

  Fuckity fuck fuck!!! This is real.

  “I suspect that what you thought was your period was the spotting most women experience early in their pregnancy. All things considered, you’re very lucky, Ms. Becker
.”

  I can’t help the scoff that comes out of my mouth. I’m sorry, but did she just say I was lucky? What the hell is there about this situation that’s lucky? “Yup, that’s me. Your regular old four-leaf clover.”

  Dr. McNamara gives me a glaring side-eye at my flippant attitude.

  “For starters, you’re alive. And more importantly, so is your baby,” she chides me, but softens at the last part.

  My baby.

  And then it’s all-of-a-sudden more real. There is a tiny person growing inside me. A person made up of me and Reid.

  So many thoughts scramble my brain, but the most prominent one is of Reid. How will he react? We’ve barely been together a few months, and now a baby! He never signed up for this — hell, neither did I.

  Then I think of our fight over his mother and all those horrible things he said about her. I’m trying to look at this from every possible angle. She is definitely less than worthy of Reid’s attention after how she treated Shane and then Reid after Shane’s death, but the bottom line is that she’s his mom. Reid is here because of her, and I just cannot wrap my head around how he could be so cold and callous to the person who brought him into this world.

  If he can so easily erase her from his life — whatever justifiable reason he may think he has — what is going to stop him from wiping me out one day? What’s going to happen when he stops loving me? I’ve been trying to keep them subdued, but my old insecurities are beginning to consume me, and suddenly my walls are snapping back into place.

  How would it be possible for me to look into the eyes of my child and hand him off to Reid, knowing that he let his mother die without fighting for her? It wouldn’t. There’s enough pain and suffering out there in the world. I can’t imagine having to deal with the guilt of his mom’s death hanging over me, over us, over our child, when there’s something he can do about it to make it right.

  If he’s capable of cutting his mother out of his life when she needs him, could he be capable of doing the same to me and our child?

  That last thought hits me like a ton of bricks — our child. While the idea of having a kid when I’m eighteen years old scares the freaking crap out of me, I can’t deny that I would be beside myself with joy that I would finally have the family I’ve wanted for so long. This little tiny person would be a part of me — nothing can come between that.

  Unless you’re Reid.

  I’m pretty sure my face is a contorted mess as I try to process it all. This is just too much to take in, and I’m so thankful when Dr. McNamara stands up to leave.

  “I should have your final paperwork done shortly. You should be out of here by lunchtime. Don’t forget to get those vitamins filled along with everything else.”

  Standing at the door, she pauses, her hand hovering over the handle. She turns back around to me and walks back to the bed.

  “Maddy, can I just say one thing?” Her tone is cautious, as if she’s treading in unfamiliar waters here.

  “Sure. Anything.”

  “Don’t worry about it — about being pregnant, I mean. You can worry all you want, but it’s not going to change things. Do you want your first thoughts of your child to be ones of regret or remorse? Worrying does not change your situation, so just let it all play out and embrace the path that’s laid before you — you might find that initially your road is dark and lonely, but eventually the sun will rise and light your way.”

  I can see her trying to visibly rein in her emotions, trying to take back her words.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve overstepped my bounds. It’s none of my business how you deal with this and how you feel about it. I just…well, I just didn’t want you to feel alone. That’s all.”

  Guilt rests heavily in my throat, making me choke on my words a little. “No, believe me, it’s all right. You didn’t overstep any bounds. That was actually really helpful advice.”

  “Good. Then I guess I’ll see you later.”

  When she gets to the door this time, she offers a small smile and a quiet nod in my direction. And then she’s gone.

  I’m left in the room all alone with thoughts about Reid and our baby, about his dying mother and our dying relationship.

  I really wish I could ask for some pain medication. I could use something to numb some of the all-encompassing grief that is sucking me down into an abyss of darkness. Tears threaten to drown me, and my chest heaves as I try to draw oxygen into my lungs when the sobs set in.

  And of course this is when Reid chooses to enter the room. He practically sprints to my side when he sees that I’m crying. Tenderly brushing away the hair that’s fallen in my eyes, careful not to touch my bruises, he lightly presses his lips to my forehead. He doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t have to. It’s like an unwritten language of love and support. When one of us is hurting, the other just holds on tighter, letting the strength seep into our bones, deep into our soul. It’s never draining or exhausting because we’re always there to give our strength back in return.

  While he’s brushing his fingers lightly through my hair, I think about how amazing he’s been while I’ve been recovering. He’s brought me flowers almost every day, and the morning after I woke up, the first thing I saw, besides his shining blue eyes, was the jar of sand from my parents’ beach. He told me that he knew I would want them with me as I healed.

  Now more than ever, though, I just wish he would listen to his own words and let his mother back in his life while he still can. Suddenly, a gnawing unsettled feeling begins to swallow me whole.

  The timbre of Reid’s calming voice breaks through my thoughts.

  He tips my face up to his and grazes his lips over mine. Physically, I react right away. I’ve missed him, and right now all of this inner turmoil is making me desire his comfort and affection that much more.

  “Talk to me, babe. What’s wrong?” He pulls me into his side, and I nuzzle in the crook of his arm.

  “Dr. McNamara gave me my discharge papers and said I’d be good to leave here shortly.” Okay, so I’m beating around the bush a little, but I’m just trying to delay the inevitable.

  He crinkles his brow in confusion. “That’s good, though, right?”

  “Yeah, of course it’s good. It’s just that she told me something else, too.”

  He doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me, his eyes willing me to continue saying whatever it is that I have to tell him. I just can’t spit the words out.

  “And that would be? What did she tell you, Maddy?”

  I know that when I say these next two words, my world will change irrevocably.

  “I’m…I’m pregnant.” The last word comes out on a sob. I hear him gasp in shock, as I figured he would. The bed shifts as he leaps from it, as if he can’t get away from me fast enough.

  He’s wildly pacing the floor next to me. “How? I mean, I thought you said you were on the pill.” He’s trying to hide it, but I hear the accusation in his voice.

  “Of course I was on the pill. You saw me take them every morning, Reid. The doctor mentioned something about needing a backup form of birth control for the first month.”

  “Why didn’t we, then? Why didn’t you tell me about that? Shit!” He runs both hands through his hair and pulls on the ends in frustration.

  “Don’t you think I would have told you, if I would have known? The doctor at the clinic forgot to mention that little gem, so now here we are.”

  I’m hurt, and I won’t hide it. Does he think I lied to him? He doesn’t want this; I knew he wouldn’t. I know it’s stupid, but all of the crap with his mother and my current feelings of anger aside, there’s a huge part of me that was hoping he would smile and kiss me and be elated.

  Being happy after hearing that your girlfriend of less than three months is pregnant is not an equation that adds up for a twenty-one-year-old college graduate. He slumps down into the chair, and he looks utterly defeated — shoulders sagging, head held in his hands.

  Shaking his head as it’s cradled in
his hands, he says, “What the fuck are we going to do? I fucking start my internship in a few weeks, and it already took an act of God to get them to postpone it because of the accident.”

  He might as well have slapped me.

  Actually, I might have enjoyed a smack about the face more than I did his words.

  “So this is my fault, then? I got knocked up because I didn’t follow instructions that I was never given, and then I went ahead and got myself into a car accident with the sole purpose of screwing up your plans.” I roll my eyes skyward, and seething anger takes over. “And you had absolutely nothing to do with any of this? Did it ever occur to you that I wouldn’t even be in this freaking hospital if it wasn’t for you? You want to blame someone — blame yourself and your stubborn ass.”

  I no longer care about the pain radiating through my body as I storm out of the bed and start packing my things up. Shoving things into my little suitcase with one hand is difficult, but I refuse to let him help. I refuse to soften to him.

  Reid steps between me and my suitcase. He’s towering over me, glaring me in the eyes. “And tell me how on earth this is all my fault?”

  I’ve never been afraid of his physical size, and, even though he’s threateningly crowding my space, I won’t start now. He may be pissed, but I know he’s not going to hurt me — physically, anyway. His words, however, are certainly going to rip my heart to shreds.

  “I said, tell me how this is my fucking fault.” His voice snarls in anger, and I flinch.

  I look up into his eyes, which are no longer a peaceful and calming blue. There is a storm raging there, and I am about to unleash its fury.

  “How? Well, it’s simple, really.” My tone is like that of an adult trying to calmly and patiently explain a simple task to a child; that is what I’m doing, after all.

  “I did not have sex with myself. If you recall, I’ve only ever had sex with you. So while I’m not completely free of blame, I did not do this,” I point to my flat stomach for emphasis, “all by myself.”

  He may have half a foot of height and nearly one hundred pounds of weight more than me, but I refuse to back down, so I move in to his physical space for this next part.