Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “No problem,” he said, flipping through channels. “You work all the time, though, huh?”

  “I kind of have to be available whenever I’m needed,” I said. “But, it’s okay. I like that about my job.”

  And though I really did like it, sometimes it was too demanding. From day one, I’d been told that it was a 24-hour, seven-day-per-week job. We were service providers. Our service didn’t stop at 5:00. That’s why they gave us the phone. We were required to keep the electronic shackle with us at all times. We were expected to jump when they said jump.

  He glanced away from the TV and gave me an award-winning smile. “And I bet you are good at it, too.”

  I shrugged and started dishing out our food as my computer booted up. I wasn’t good at taking compliments and even worse at dishing them out to myself.

  Finally, Adam settled on a show. Figuring that he would choose the never-ending loop that is SportsCenter, I was pleasantly surprised when he settled on “The Biggest Loser.” After all, who doesn’t enjoy eating a plate of cheese-laden, simple carbohydrates and slurping down a couple of glasses of wine while overweight people bounce around in a boxing ring?

  As expected, he was totally Team Jillian. In my opinion, it had to be her tight little tank tops that pulled him over to her side, because Bob was clearly superior in every way. As we ate our dinner, the debate over who should be sent home raged between us.

  By the time dinner was over, my anxiety was a thing of the past. Having Adam beside me on the couch felt right, and the inaugural flagship voyage that this night had represented for me didn’t seem to be such a big deal.

  He picked up my basket of yarn from the bottom shelf of the coffee table and held it up. “You really are an 80-year-old woman? You’re my first cougar.”

  I plucked a knitting needle out of the basket and waved it at him menacingly. “Glad I could be a first for something. I picked up knitting back when all the celebrities were doing it. It’s soothing.” I stabbed the needle back into the skein of yarn.

  “My mom used to be a knitter,” he said. He stared blankly at the basket of yarn that now sat in his lap and fingered a piece of string. “She tried and tried to teach my little sister when she was about 5, but she was too little. ‘Loop, swoop, and pull,’ she would say. My sister never got the swoop. Her potholders had more holes than swiss cheese.”

  “Ahhh, the swoop can be tricky,” I said. “Five is pretty young. I’m impressed.”

  “My sister was real smart even at 5.”

  Adam looked torn by something. I couldn’t tell if he wanted to talk about his sister or if he absolutely did not want to talk about his sister. I wasn’t sure why, but the urge to reach out and touch him was almost overwhelming. But if it’s possible to actually emit vibes, his vibes were telling me that touching him at this moment would be an unwelcome mistake.

  “If she’d been able to stick with it, she’d have gotten it eventually,” he said, suddenly jerking his head up. His face smoothed out into a smile. He held up the unfinished project in the basket. It was an intricate basket weave pattern cast from the softest yellow yarn that I’d been able to find. “What are you making?”

  I puzzled over Adam’s phrasing, but smiled at him since the tense moment seemed to have passed. “It’s a baby blanket. Well, it will be anyway.”

  His eyes flashed dark as I realized too late how frightening such a statement would be to a man in Adam’s position. Panic was etched in his face. I guess the tension was back. Was conversation ever easy with this man? We were really better off watching the Biggest Loser. Or making out on the kitchen table.

  “Oh, Adam,” I said with a sharp laugh. “It’s not for me. Don’t worry. I make them to pass the time, and I donate them to the hospital.” It was another one of my efforts to give back to the community. But unlike my volunteer work with Lizzie, this was also my little jab at fate.

  His relief could be felt in three counties. He set the basket gingerly back on the coffee table at the same time that my cell phone lit up in response to an incoming call. Ethan’s name and face filled up the screen for the second time since we started dinner.

  Adam looked at my silent, but illuminated, phone and cocked an eyebrow at me in question. “Work?” he asked.

  I just shook my head. “No, just a friend.”

  He held my gaze for a few long seconds, and I wondered if he was going to press the issue of Ethan.

  Instead, he smiled and gestured down to the cat who was sitting by his feet. “So, Rubber Cat is an interesting name. Do I even want to know?” I marveled at his ability to transition conversations. He was almost as good as me at the art of diversion.

  “Rubber Cat rubs. So his name is Rubber Cat.” The cat was now standing between Adam’s legs and was rubbing on one leg and then the other. He bounced back and forth like a feline pendulum.

  “So clever you are,” he said with a laugh.

  I checked my email one more time and then stood up. I ran my hands down my thighs nervously. “Look, Yoda, I need to take a shower. Do you mind if I disappear for a few minutes? You can watch whatever you want,” I said, pointing at the TV.

  “Go right ahead,” he said, reaching for the remote. I headed to my bedroom. Just as I started to shut the door behind me, he said, “But if you think that a few flimsy doors is going to stand between me and your wet, naked body, you may not be as clever as I thought you were.”

  I smiled and left it open a crack. I muttered under my breath, “Dream a girl can.” Now, I was talking Yoda.

  I let the water heat up and stepped into the shower. I stood directly under the stream of water and let it pour over me. Closing my eyes, I let the scalding water sweep away the sweat from the gym, the stress from my day at work, my worries about Lizzie, and my unspoken despair over a half-finished baby blanket. I was so wrapped up in obtaining a zen-like state that I didn’t hear the door to the bathroom open or the swish of the shower curtain. It wasn’t until he was standing directly behind me with his hands on my hips that I realized I had company.

  He ran his hands all the way up my back. Placing his hands on the side of my head, he tilted my head to the side and then brushed my wet hair away. His mouth found my neck and began working its way up. He licked the water streaming across my skin. Even though the water was hot, his mouth was much hotter. I was sure that the shower wasn’t going to help one bit if I were to burst into flames.

  Eventually, I flipped around so that I was facing him and gasped at the sight before me. He was the perfect male specimen. I ran a single finger down his chest and across the ridges of his perfectly defined abs. One, two, three, four, five, six ... the entire pack was there. I would never tire of looking at him.

  “I like what I see, too,” he murmured, running a thumb across my breast.

  That was all the encouragement I needed. I crashed into him, pushing him into the slippery back wall of the shower. My hands and mouth were all over him. My head was spinning, thinking about all the different ways I wanted to do this. I was frantic for him.

  We slipped and slid against each other and against the wall until we finally slid down into the bottom of the large tub. I briefly considered that shower sex never works the way you think it should, but straddled him anyway. As the water beat down on my back, I pushed his hair back away from his face so that I could see his eyes. They were the color of the darkest chocolate now, almost entirely black. They delivered only one message. He wanted me.

  The intensity with which he looked at me was more than I could handle. He was in my apartment. In my shower. In that moment, I knew that I wanted more. I wanted Adam, and I wanted all of him. Even though I barely knew him, I wanted strings. I wanted hearts, flowers, butterflies, and rainbows. I knew better though. I’d tried it once. I could feel a sob rising out of my chest. To stifle it, I pressed my mouth against his again and squeezed my eyes shut. He kissed me back with matched fervor.

  As I reached above my head to brace myself against the wall, a b
ottle of shampoo fell. It hit him on the shoulder, causing him to grunt and me to giggle. In one fluid motion, he was back on his feet with me still in his arms.

  “Shower sex is such a clusterfuck,” he said, laughing.

  Apparently, he actually was a mindreader. “Great in movies and books, though,” I murmured.

  He stepped out of the shower and carried me into my bedroom without bothering to turn off the water.

  “Always great in the movies ....” he said as he lay me on the bed. We were both still dripping wet, and the draft from the ceiling fan gave me a chill. As he moved over me, I was filled with heat again. We slid against each other as the pace quickened. Intense Adam was back. I closed my eyes to be carried away.

  “Look at me, Alexis,” a stern voice said in my ear. I opened my eyes and matched his gaze. I didn’t know what I was looking for in them, but I sought something, anything, in those beautiful eyes. But all that was reflected back at me was pure desire. It was enough, I decided, as he thrust into me one last time and I splintered apart.

  As I lay underneath him, I suddenly felt suffocated by this closed off man who seemed to be able to see straight into my soul. The fear that he would recognize my lack thereof was nearly debilitating.

  When he broke away and rolled off of me, I could finally breathe again. I rolled onto my side to look at him. His mood had shifted again. He was now propped up on one elbow, smiling at me like the cat that ate the canary. He reached over and ran a finger down my cheek, and pulled me into him.

  “You’re something else, Allie Cat. I thought I’d surprise you in the shower, but once again you surprised me.”

  I smiled though my head was a mess. He had a way of doing that to me. When he was inside me, his expressions were hard and severe. We were attached and detached at the same time. I couldn’t help but feel like I was almost being punished for something. But then, just a heartbeat later, he was tracing lazy circles on my stomach and giving me a pet name. And, despite it all, I wanted him to stay. I needed him to stay.

  “Stay with me tonight,” I whispered. “If you go, I don’t know if I’ll be able to ever have anyone in here again.”

  Returning to me, he bent his head down and touched his forehead to mine. “If you’re sure that’s what you want.”

  “I don’t really know what I want, but it’s what I want right now.”

  He nodded. “But if I’m going to stay, we better turn off the water.”

  “Crap on a cracker!” I said, jumping out of bed. I heard a laugh behind me as I darted into the bathroom. After wading through the steamy bathroom, I turned off the water. I grabbed a tank top out of the closet and checked my email one more time before returning to bed ... and returning to Adam.

  CHAPTER 9

  Adam

  I watched Allie sleep. Some people were restless all day long and only found peace at night. I was one of those people.

  Allie, though, she was the opposite. Whereas she seemed cool, calm, and collected during the daylight hours, she slept in fits. She twisted and turned in her sleep like a little child. Right now, her eyebrows were knitted together as she fought some internal demon.

  After watching her for several hours, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d done the wrong thing earlier. The email had come in right after she left the room to take a shower, and I’d deleted it almost without thinking. It wasn’t something I could’ve planned, but the opportunity presented itself and I’d taken it. I just wanted to cause her some pain. Any kind of pain.

  Now, watching her wrestle her subconscious, my own conscience was eating at me. I was unsettled. I needed a drink of water so I threw on my boxers and headed for the kitchen. I stopped in the living room and looked at the apartment that I’d been so reluctantly invited into. It wasn’t as large as mine, but it was still fairly large by New York City standards. The furnishings were feminine without being girly, elegant without being pretentious. Still, there were hints here and there of her high-class upbringing. And, while this particular building was known for its modern remodels, her apartment was more traditional. It fit what I knew of Allie to a ‘T.’

  In the kitchen, I filled a glass with water and eyed the long green pill container with a different day of the week written across each little lid. I ran my hand across it and popped one of the lids open. I’d had serious girlfriends over the years. I knew what birth control pills looked like, and neither of the two Friday pills was birth control.

  Something else caught my attention as well. I’d also medicated my mom for years when things had gotten so bad that she couldn’t cope anymore. I reached in and picked up the little pill, which I now recognized. Antidepressants were something with which I was all too familiar. I swallowed the lump in my throat and placed the little yellow pill back in the container, just as Rubber Cat nipped at my calves. I reached down to scratch his head and wondered if he could sense bad intentions.

  Noting his empty bowl in the corner, it was more likely he was just hungry. Searching under the sink, I found an open bag of cat food. I emptied it into his bowl. “There ya’ go, guard cat,” I muttered, before turning around to find Allie staring intently at me from the doorway.

  Alexis

  Watching Adam feed my cat might have been the most intimate thing I’d ever experienced. I suddenly understood why couples got pets together. The act of caring jointly for something brought about a sense of family. Of course, cats and dogs were just practice runs for what would come later ... kids.

  “Thanks for feeding him,” I said. “We both thank you.”

  “He bit me on the calves. Either he wanted me to go or he wanted me to feed him. Since I wasn’t ready to go yet, I decided to give the latter a try.”

  We both looked down at the cat that now had his head buried in his bowl. The only sound in the kitchen was a faint crunch, crunch.

  “You’re about out of cat food, by the way,” he said.

  “Yeah. I’ll pick some up tomorrow ... I mean today.” I ran a hand through my hair and tugged on the hem of my tank top to make sure that it was long enough.

  Adam leveled his eyes on me. “That’s the problem with pets. Constant maintenance. I don’t want anything that depends on me for sustenance or anything else. That includes cats, dogs, monkeys, ferrets, kids ....”

  My heart stopped beating in my chest, and I sucked in a deep breath. It was possible that he was the perfect guy for me. But, then again, 99 percent of 20-something men in Manhattan would say that they didn’t want kids. Eventually, they would. It was just a matter or time and maturity.

  Adam looked at me warily. If he’d had to utter those words to many women, he was probably used to getting the cold shoulder afterwards. That wasn’t what I was feeling at all. I faked a yawn.

  “Tired?” he asked. “You are a terrible sleeper, you know.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know what the problem is. I just haven’t been sleeping well, lately.” I rested my head on the doorframe.

  “Come on,” he said as he handed me a glass of water. “I’ll put you back to bed.”

  “I might need to be rocked back to sleep,” I said, faking another yawn.

  “Maybe later tonight,” he said. “You need sleep now.” His hand wrapped around my waist, and he directed me back to the bedroom.

  “Sorry, can’t,” I said. “I have plans tonight.” Immediately, I wished that I hadn’t said it that way. It sounded much more mysterious and covert than what I really had planned for my Friday night.

  He cocked an eyebrow up and looked at me curiously. But he didn’t ask. “Well, then you better get your beauty sleep for whatever you have planned.”

  I’d asked for no strings and that was exactly what I was getting. If he cared that I had other plans, he didn’t show it, and I hid my disappointment.

  ***

  Later that evening, I sat expectantly in the less than crowded auditorium and waited for the show to start. Even though I wanted to save it and would regret it later, I nervously rolled the progr
am into a small tube. My nerves were frazzled.

  Today had been the worst day in my short career. I’d spent no less than an hour in Harrison’s office while he yelled at me about the email that I had failed to forward to the client. Supposedly, he’d sent it around 9:30 last night, but it never showed up in my inbox. I’d even checked my deleted items and spam folders, and it wasn’t there either. I tried to explain that to him, but he pulled up the message from his sent items folder and flew into another rage. He’d actually told me that “Excuses are like assholes, Alexis. Everybody has one.” He’d also told me that my last name didn’t excuse me from meeting bare minimum levels of competency.

  Somehow I’d maintained my composure. But the day had been exhausting. The client was mad at Harrison. Harrison was mad at me. My credibility was shot. He’d made it clear that I wouldn’t be working for him again any time soon. Since he was a powerful partner in the firm, I worried how far reaching the damage was going to be.

  The lights in the auditorium flashed twice and snapped me back to the present. As the lights dimmed, I vowed to put the day’s events out of my mind and focus on Lizzie. I was as excited and nervous for her as if she were my real little sister. Scanning the few parents that were in attendance, I noted that her mom hadn’t bothered to show up. It was just one more grievance to add to the long string of injustices that she tossed at Lizzie on a daily basis. I glanced at the large tote bag by my feet and got a small amount of satisfaction from its contents. I would do whatever I could to save this child from the circumstances she couldn’t control and didn’t deserve.

  As the curtain opened, Lizzie stood front and center on the stage. I beamed at the girl who had come so far in just four years. At the age of 10, she would have never had the self-confidence to stand on a stage in front of a small audience with only a scant crowd, much less one full of people. But now, she was confident, her voice strong and clear.

  As the lead, she had both the opening and closing lines in the play. Her performance had been stellar. As she took a final bow, I couldn’t have been more proud. When the lights came up, I again scanned the crowd. I was hoping that her mother had slipped in somewhere in the middle, but I didn’t see her.