Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  She had no idea how funny irony could be. “Okay, so her name was Brittany,” I said, wanting her to go on. Now I knew why that girl had looked familiar.

  “Right. So I was waiting for Brittany to call to tell me where to go to meet them.”

  She paused and took a sip of her drink. “I was distracted. I wasn’t focusing on driving. I was thinking about Brittany and Thomas and this new guy I didn’t even know. And I was worried about the rain. I’d always been afraid of tornadoes, and it was tornado season. You know ... you’re from Dallas, too. It wasn’t likely that we were going to get hit by a tornado, but I’ve always been petrified of them.”

  I nodded. Yeah, sure. Tornadoes were no joke.

  “I was driving too fast, and I missed a stop sign. I had no excuse. I’d driven down that same road, twice a day for a year and a half. But somehow I missed it. And then my phone rang. Or maybe my phone rang and then I missed the stop sign. I’m not sure. It all happened so fast. I’ve remembered a lot in the past two weeks, but it’s all still kind of blurry. I’m not sure what’s real and what’s not.”

  Her words hit me hard. If it hadn’t been for me, she wouldn’t have remembered any of this. I still wasn’t sure if her memory coming back was a good thing or a bad thing.

  “It’s okay, Allie. You don’t have to remember everything.”

  “I want to. I owe it to you. I owe it to Joy.”

  I wanted to hug her and kiss her and slap her all at the same time. Never had anyone’s words given me so much relief while ripping my insides out. Instead of doing any of those things, I looked for the appropriate words to respond to her admission. “I’m sure now that you have pieces of it, it will eventually all come back.”

  She smiled at me. “Yeah, I think that’s another question for Dr. Phil.”

  I smiled back. “Baby, we’re so messed up. He’s going to have to devote an entire week of shows to us.”

  “No joke,” she said shaking her head.

  The smile left her face and her expression darkened. She was ready to take on the hard stuff.

  “My phone rang, and I thought it was Brittany. I wanted to answer it, but my phone was in my purse, which was on the floor on the passenger side. I reached over and tried to grab it, but the strap was hung up on something under the seat. I yanked on it, but it wouldn’t budge. Finally, I leaned all the way over and tried to dig for it.”

  “I never answered it, and it wasn’t even her. I remember now. I didn’t recognize the number. In my nightmare, I could hear that phone ringing over and over. I could feel the car hopping over the curb. I could even see the tree coming at me. But, until I watched your version of it, I never saw Joy. It was just me and that tree and everything that came later.”

  “I’m sorry, Adam. I don’t know how to explain how I feel about it ... how sorry I am .... But I’m not just sorry for what happened that day. I’m also sorry for the past 10 years. Every day, you and your family had to live without her, and I didn’t even know that I’d taken her from you. But I will think of her every day for the rest of my life.”

  She looked at her hands folded in her lap, and I followed her gaze. What I saw knocked the air out of my lungs. I couldn’t believe that I’d missed it the other night at the hospital. The sleeve of her dress must have covered it. If she’d chosen that dress for that reason, she wasn’t hiding it now.

  I reached over and brushed my finger lightly over the etched skin on the underside of her wrist. It was similar to the one on my chest except that it said ‘Remembering Joy.’ And instead of my bold black, hers was written in the lightest shade of pink. In fact, it was so light it almost looked like a scar ... like it belonged there.

  “Allie, Allie, Allie ... what did you do?” I asked in disbelief. “When?”

  She looked down at the pink lettering and smiled. “When I was in Florida. I finally thought of something that I would want on my body forever.” Her words were heavy on my heart. She’d done it weeks ago, back when she’d believed that there was no way that we could ever be together. She hadn’t done it for me. She’d done it for Joy.

  “She loved pink,” I said quietly.

  “I thought she might,” she said with a small, timid smile. “Adam, I’ll never be able to change what happened. And believe me, I would if I could. I’d change places with her in a heartbeat. But I want you to know that I’ll never deny her again. I’m not afraid of remembering anymore. I want to remember her every day. I owe it to her. And to you. “

  I spun both of us around on our stools so that we were facing each other with her knees tucked in between mine. I grabbed the sides of her face so that she couldn’t look away from me if she tried.

  “I’m not asking you to change what happened. You’re right, Allie, you can’t. I’ve spent 10 years trying to figure out how to go back in time. Do you know all the times I’ve wondered what would have happened if I’d just stayed home with her that afternoon? It was the day after her birthday. I should have been there, helping her figure out how to ride that damn bike without the training wheels. But I wasn’t. And I can’t change what happened any more than you can. I don’t know why things happen they way do, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life asking questions that don’t have answers. I can’t live like that any more.”

  I looked into her blue eyes and thought about kissing that mouth of hers. “Do you know what I want? I want to be with you. Just you and me. Today, tomorrow, and forever. Can you live with that?”

  “Yes,” she said simply.

  “Then we’re done here,” I said. I stuck my hand in the air for the second time and motioned to the bartender.

  “We need our tab,” I said, without ever taking my eyes off of her.

  ***

  “Forever Texas?” she said looking at my shirt just as she curled into me on the couch.

  Just like Texas, Allie was my home now. I knew no matter what happened my soul would always be trying to find a way back to her. But I didn’t say that. I had high hopes for tonight.”

  “I see that. You know,” she said coyly. “I’m going to get you a new shirt tomorrow. One that says, ‘I’m with her’ with an arrow.”

  I groaned. “I love you, babe, but you’ll never get me to wear that.”

  She giggled and pressed up against me. “Thanks for coming to my place instead of yours. I’ve always felt more comfortable in your apartment than I should, and now I know why. It just feels tainted now.”

  “I understand,” I said. I’d thought that for years. The walls were painted with blood money as far as I was concerned. When I’d originally moved there with my mother, I had only been able to stand it because I thought getting her out of Dallas was the only way to save her from her memories. Over time, I’d become numb to my surroundings, but, even now, I was anxious to move out and move on. I didn’t want to get into any of this tonight though.

  “So we’re all good then?”

  “We’re all good,” I answered even though neither of us had been completely honest tonight.

  She hadn’t said anything about Lizzie wanting her to adopt the baby. At one point, I’d been enough to make her happy, but Lizzie had changed that. She wouldn’t be content now with just me. And, even though I’d told her that I would never lie to her again, I hadn’t been completely honest with her either. A good attorney, like the one in front of me, might argue that I hadn’t actually lied. However, a lie of omission is still a lie.

  This was another subject that I wasn’t going to dwell on tonight, though. As I ran my arm around her and squeezed her even tighter against me, I decided that I was done talking for the night. Somehow, some way ... no matter what happened ... we would find common ground. I loved her. She loved me. And that would be enough.

  I knew one thing though ... as crazy and fucked up ... and sort of awesome ... as our story was, I would never, ever make another movie about us.

  My life with Allie was ours alone, and I had no desire to share her.

  Next to Fo
rever

  Book Three in the

  Never Letting Go Series

  S. MOOSE

  Will they have their

  happily ever after . . .

  or will they have to

  say goodbye forever?

  Chapter One

  Erin

  Thirty minutes. Eighteen hundred seconds.

  That’s how long I’ve been waiting to hear about a possible new job with Vale Real Estate. I hate waiting and doubting myself. All I can do is wait at home, by my cell phone and pray that good news will come. I look at the clock again and I swear it’s been two PM for the last hour. I check my phone to make sure that I have reception and try to sit down but it’s useless.

  I look around the kitchen to see if I can clean but everything’s done. The floors have been mopped, dishes done, and cabinets have all been organized. I walk over to the oven and look inside, trying to decide whether or not it’ll be a good idea to start cleaning it. The oven doesn’t look bad, and it shouldn’t since I don’t do the cooking. Connor does. We have a cleaner come in twice a month, and it looks fine to me. Shutting the oven door, I try to relax my mind and think about something else, but nothing comes to mind. Laying my head on the wood kitchen table, I close my eyes and say a silent prayer. I’ve been out of school for three months, and this is the first job that I actually have a chance at getting. It’s been one interview and rejection after another. Sometimes I wonder why I spent the money on all the tests to get my license to be a real estate agent.

  I hate waiting, and I’m trying to stay hopeful that this is the job that’ll be my career. It kills me to think that after all the money my parents spent for me to get a degree that it takes this long to find a freaking job! I’m smart and graduated from a prestigious college, yet finding a good job is like trying to win the lottery. I could go back to get my Master’s degree, but it’s just more school and there’s always that chance I’ll be in the same spot—jobless. No one really understands my reasoning for a job, but I hate depending on Connor. Yes, we’re wealthy and Connor’s doing extremely well at Optimax, but I don’t want to be that girl who stays home all day shopping, going to the spa, and playing the good housewife. No, that’s not me. I’m the girl that needs to be busy and making a difference. I need to be around people and helping out. My own life and career. I love Connor, and I’m happy he wants me to stay home so I don’t keep stressing, but he can be such a man-child. Always complaining and whining that he doesn’t want me working, so I can travel with him so we don’t have to be apart. I understand because I do miss him, but sometimes we need the distance to appreciate each other and learn how to miss one another.

  I’ve never been tied down to just one guy, so when Connor Simpson walked into my life, my world was turned upside down. It seemed as though I had to experience all the shit in my life, so that I could appreciate Connor. All of the flings, ex-boyfriends, and wasting my time—it was all worth it. There was an ache in my heart, an emptiness that was never filled. My parents gave me everything I ever wanted, but they were working all the time and I spent more time with my nanny than them. My nanny and driver were wonderful and I love them, but sometimes all a girl really wanted was to see her parents and tell them about her day. Phone calls and text messages didn’t count or mean as much.

  When I got into college, away from home, my wild side came out. Getting drunk and high almost every night messed with my head. I was away from home and the freedom to be bad was more alluring than being the good girl I used to be. There was no one telling me “no” or reminding me that classy girls don’t do that. My inner wild child was out to play.

  One night, there was this party at a frat house that was supposed to be the best party and I knew I had to be there. I was a freshman at the time, but since I was hot, no one cared that I was there. After about six shots of whiskey and funneling beer, I ended up in bed with the captain of the lacrosse team, Landon. We hooked up a few more times after the party, and he was great but it got boring. We were messing around for about a month before I broke things off with him.

  After Landon, there was Eddie, the hot soccer player. He had a small dick and wasn’t good at all, so he was just a one-time fling.

  When I was done with Eddie, I dated Ash for a few months. Things were great, and I was falling for him but when I caught him cheating on me, it was over. My heart broke that night, and I felt alone. More alone than ever before. I cared about him, and he tried winning me back, but I couldn’t trust him, so I had to move on. I stayed single for a while and focused on helping Sophia and getting together with my girlfriends. I still had dates here and there, but the one-night stands weren’t as frequent. With a broken heart, I didn’t believe in love. To me, it was just a silly feeling that people thought they felt.

  My feelings and view on love changed the night I met Connor, though. Right when our eyes met, something in me burst and I wanted him. He wasn’t like the other guys. Connor was special, and I couldn’t explain it then. He accepted me for me and my past was something that I couldn’t change. Connor tore down my walls and never gave up on me. I showed him a different side of me—the real Erin. He brought me back to life and out of my dark shell. He made me feel good and that I mattered. I wasn’t used to being called beautiful or special. The other guys called me sexy or dangerous. My mind flashed back to the night he told me he loved me.

  I was on the laptop in the living room, while Connor was watching TV. He kept looking over at me, smiling.

  “Stop staring at me!”

  “Why? You’re beautiful, and you should know how I feel.” He came over to me, reached down, and took the laptop away. He pulled me up to his chest and our lips met. The kiss wasn’t demanding or rough. It was sweet and passionate. His hands roamed my back, and at the moment, I felt alive.

  I felt whole.

  Out of nowhere, ‘If I Didn’t Have You’ by Thompson Square came on. Connor pulled away and looked down at me. “Dance with me.”

  “Of course,” I blushed.

  His arms wrapped around me waist and I placed my head on his chest. We swayed to the music and listened to the lyrics. Connor started to softly sing to the song to me.

  The loving words of the song… telling me he couldn’t live without me. I loved listening to Connor sing. I told him all the time his voice was amazing, but he was too shy to sing around anyone else besides me.

  “I love when you sing to me.”

  His chin rested on the top of my head. “I’ll always sing to you, Erin. Just to see you smile and make you feel happy.” His breathing quickens. I looked at him and wondered if he were okay.

  “Connor? You ok, babe?”

  He closed his eyes, and I felt nervous.

  Scared.

  “I love you, Erin.”

  The words hit me, and suddenly my whole life had meaning again. I’ve been waiting for those words for so long. Even though it’s only been a few months, I knew deep down that Connor was the one for me. I wanted to spend my life with him.

  “I love you too, Connor. I fell in love with you the first time we met.”

  Without saying anything, Connor’s lips crashed into mine with such desire and need.

  The ringing of the phone brings me back to the now.

  “Oh shit,” I mutter. “Breathe, Erin. Just. Breathe.” I pick up the phone. “Hello?”

  The voice on the other line is sweet and refreshing. “Hi, may I speak to Erin Costella, please?”

  “This is she.” I sit back down and try to calm my shaky body. My hands begin to get clammy, and I take a pen to start doodling on a piece of paper to help calm my nerves.

  “Hi Erin. This is Stacey with Vale Real Estate. How are you?”

  “I’m doing well, and yourself?” I get back up from the table and pace the kitchen. Doodling isn’t helping, and I’m about to scream if she doesn’t give me the news. Okay, peppy girl, give it to me now or else I’m going to punch someone in the throat!

  “That’s so great to
hear. I’m good, thanks for asking! Well, I’m calling on behalf of Albert Stanley, and we would like to offer you a position with Vale!”

  Immediately, my arms are in the air, and I’m jumping up and down. Fist pumping the air, with the biggest smile on my face! “Wow, thank you so much, Stacey. Yes, I’d be honored to work with Albert and Vale.”

  “Perfect. If you can start tomorrow at nine in the morning, that’ll be great. We just have to finalize some paperwork and get you into training.”

  “Sounds good. Thank you again.”

  “It’s our pleasure, Ms. Costella. Have a great day!”

  “You, too!”

  I hang up the phone with Stacey and feel so happy. The smile on my face is from ear to ear. This is the best news, and after everything I’ve been through, trying to find a job and not giving up, this is finally my moment. I can’t believe this is happening. All my hard work and efforts—finally someone notices.

  I take out my cell phone and text Connor to let him know the news.

  Me: Connor! I got the job!

  Connor: Wow baby! Congrats! I’m proud of you. I wish I could be there with you now to celebrate, but I’ll be home in a few days.

  Connor’s been in California for the past three weeks. The distance is good, but I’ve been a mess and it sucks. He always asks me how I’m doing but what can I say? I can’t beg him to come back. Optimax is important to him, and I don’t want to be that girlfriend who nags and complains. I hate lying to him but I know that Connor would get on the next plane home.

  I have Sophia and Adam to keep me company, but a part of feels guilty to always be their third wheel. Sophia constantly tells me that they love having me around, and Adam agrees, but still, a part of me feels guilty.

  Since we all found out Sophia’s pregnant, Adam’s been staying in Charlotte and running things from the home office. I’m slightly jealous, but I know Sophia needs Adam. She’s been through so much over the past few months, but I’m proud of her and her strength.