Unbreak My Heart

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  * * *

  The next few months passed slowly and quickly at the same time. It felt as if things were moving at a snail’s pace when the kids and I were waiting on a Skype call from Shane, but when I had a deadline coming up, I had to race to meet it.

  Work was going okay, even though I’d had to cut back yet again. I just didn’t have the energy to take on as much and still do my job well, and I hated the thought of giving people mediocre work. I also hadn’t anticipated that I’d still be feeling like shit almost six months into my pregnancy.

  The doctors said I was still feeling the effects of morning sickness and I was anemic.

  My mom said I was working too hard.

  My brother Alex said that I had an alien in my belly and it was sucking the life out of me.

  Shane didn’t say anything because I didn’t tell him that I was still sick.

  Things had been good since he’d apologized for tearing my head off. Great, really. We didn’t have the chance to talk very much because the kids dominated the Skype calls—with good reason—but we filled in those breaks with emails almost every day. We wrote about everything, from movies we liked—one of the guys in his room had a small DVD player and a fiancée who sent him all the new releases—to what the kids had been up to that day and websites that were driving me insane. I also posted massive amounts of photos on my Facebook page so he could scroll through them whenever he had a moment to spare, marking off every milestone the kids hit, from a lost tooth to sleeping dry all night.

  We’d become friends again through our emails, and it felt really good. But it also made my anxiety rise. The closer we became, the more frightened I was that something would to happen to him—and I didn’t want to worry him with things that were happening back in California.

  I didn’t want him to know that I was staying awake until one or two a.m. to finish projects and then rolling out of bed six hours later to get Sage ready for school. I didn’t tell him that I’d begun to sit on a stool when I was making dinner because, by five o’clock in the evening, I was completely worn out. I didn’t tell him that, for some ungodly reason, Gunner had started waking up at four a.m. a couple of nights a week, and we’d barely fall back asleep before my alarm went off, usually after I’d busted out my guitar and sung to him—he liked Of Monsters and Men songs.

  I was handling it. Sure, I looked like shit except for the nights I knew I’d be seeing him through the computer screen—but hey, I had no one to impress.

  We were three months into the deployment when Shane’s birthday rolled around. He’d promised to Skype that night so I spent the whole afternoon getting the boys cleaned up and dressed for the occasion. I’d even picked up a cake on our way to grab Sage from school so it felt like an actual party.

  By eight o’clock that night when my computer sounded with an incoming call, we were ready. Barely. My laptop was perched on a stool at one end of the living room, giving Shane a view of the kids as they ran around excitedly and me on the couch with Gunner and my guitar.

  “Happy birthday!” the kids screamed as Shane’s tanned face showed up on the screen.

  “Thanks, guys!” he answered, smiling huge and fiddling with the earbuds he always wore so he could hear us.

  I strummed the first chords to the birthday song, just like we’d practiced, and the kids began singing boisterously while Gunner nodded and watched wide-eyed beside me. Oddly enough, the one-year-old was the only kid with a sense of rhythm.

  “We got you a cake!” Keller yelled, jumping up and down, once they’d finished singing.

  “You did?” Shane replied, raising his eyebrows. “What does it look like?”

  “I’ll get it!”

  “Wait, bud!” I yelled at Keller, imagining blue frosting covering the carpet in the living room. “Why don’t you let Sage grab it?”

  Sage ran out of the room while Shane chuckled softly. “What have you guys been doing today?”

  “Took a bath,” Gavin replied with a scowl.

  “Played with my Lincoln Logs!” Keller yelled again.

  “Not so loud, bud,” I warned Keller as Gunner scooted onto my lap between me and the guitar I was using to hide my growing bump.

  It was silly, but normally the laptop was tilted enough that Shane only saw us from the chest up and I was feeling a bit self-conscious.

  “My Lincoln Logs, too!” Gavin shot at Keller.

  “Mostly mine,” Keller taunted back.

  “Boys,” Shane said sternly, quieting them both. “Enough.”

  God, I wished I could say two words that would stop them that fast.

  “See, Daddy?” Sage called as she went to stand in front of the camera holding the small cake I’d picked up.

  “That’s an awesome cake!” Shane replied, nodding. “Is it chocolate?”

  “Yep!”

  “Why don’t you guys go sit down and Auntie Kate can bring me into the kitchen while you eat it?”

  “Yeah!” Keller and Gavin yelled in tandem, their screech making Shane wince and laugh. The changes in volume must have been killing his ears.

  I let Gunner down so he could follow the kids into the kitchen and stood up, holding the guitar awkwardly in front of me.

  “Hey,” I said before pushing my lips together and smiling slightly.

  “Hey,” he answered, smiling back in amusement.

  It was the first time in weeks that I’d seen him without the kids crawling up and down off my lap to speak to him, and I felt shy knowing that we were relatively alone.

  “Why are you carrying around the guitar?” he asked.

  “Um.” Great, Katherine. Um is not an answer. Get it together.

  “I want to see you,” he said quietly. “Put the guitar down.”

  “Um. I’m a bit bigger—”

  “Let me see, Katie,” he ordered gently.

  I turned completely around to set the guitar back in its case on the ground and jumped in surprise when a wolf whistle played over my laptop’s speakers.

  I was laughing when I turned back around, but it was abruptly cut off by the look on his face.

  “She’s making herself known,” I said sheepishly, running my hand over the curve of my belly.

  “Look at you,” he breathed, a small smile playing over his lips. “You’re gorgeous.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Oh, yeah.” His smile grew bigger.

  “Auntie Kate, come on!” Keller yelled from the kitchen, ending our quiet moment.

  “Time for cake,” I announced, walking toward the laptop.

  “Can’t wait,” he replied with a smirk, and I had this odd feeling that he was staring at my boobs.

  * * *

  The kids were hyped up for the rest of the night, but I couldn’t really blame them. A Skype date and cake all in the same night? It was like Christmas.

  When I finally crawled into bed and got my laptop situated on my lap, I wasn’t sure how much longer I was going to be able to keep my eyes open. I had to figure out a couple of different ideas to take to a client, and I was pretty sure they were going to be complete crap if I tried to brainstorm that night.

  Instead I logged onto Facebook and began uploading photos of the night. I knew my mom and Aunt Ellie would get a kick out of seeing how excited the kids had been for the birthday party. When Shane suddenly instant-messaged me, my back straightened as if he could see me.

  You awake?

  I cracked my knuckles then shook my hands above the keyboard, staring at the two words. Shit, I had to answer or he was going to sign off!

  Yep, just downloading some pics from tonight :)

  Those should be good.

  I’ve got one of Gunner with frosting in his hair and up his nose.

  Haha How the hell did he do that?

  I’m pretty sure Keller had something to do with it.

  That wouldn’t surprise me.

  So…what are you doing online again?

  I had some time.

  So you decided
to stalk me on Facebook?

  Pretty much.

  Well, stalk away then.

  Hey so earlier you called the baby she…

  And?

  Did you already find out?

  Oh! No! You just always call the baby “he” so I’ve been using “she.” I figure that way one of us is right. Haven’t had my appointment yet.

  Pretty soon though, right?

  Yeah, next week. The office has been completely backed up so it’s a bit later than normal.

  Do you think you could tell me first? I know you’ll want to tell your mom.

  Yes. You’ll know first, I promise.

  He didn’t message for a while, and I watched the little green dot on the screen like a hawk, afraid that he’d signed off.

  You look really good.

  My stomach flipped, and I rolled my eyes at what he’d see if we were Skyping then. I’d wiped off the little eye makeup I’d had on and the concealer that covered the dark circles under my eyes. I looked like shit.

  Ha! You just need to get laid.

  Well, that too. LOL

  No sex for you! *said in soup guy voice from Seinfeld*

  You better not be getting any either.

  When the hell would I have the time?

  Kate.

  Don’t “Kate” me. You know I’m not fucking anyone.

  Don’t say fuck.

  Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck

  …and now I’m hard.

  Seriously?

  Semi.

  *snort* what are you, thirteen?

  Your boobs are huge.

  This conversation is over.

  LOL. They are.

  True that.

  I miss you.

  My hands shook, posed over the keyboard. I wasn’t sure if I should say it back.

  We miss you too.

  Send me some pics

  I post pics all the time! Just scroll through my Fb

  You’re not in any of those.

  I’m the one taking the photos—so that makes sense.

  I want to see you too.

  Okay.

  No naked pics. I swear to God there’s guys looking over my shoulder every time I sit down.

  I wouldn’t have sent you naked ones!

  Yeah you would’ve :)

  You wish!

  You. Have. No. Idea.

  He was flirting with me. Flirting. With me. I didn’t know what to do with that. Sure, we’d had our moments, but beyond falling into bed a couple of times, our conversations had stayed strictly platonic.

  You there?

  I snapped out of my fog at his newest message.

  I’m here.

  I better let you go—it’s late there. You should be asleep.

  I still had at least two more hours of work to do.

  Okay. Be careful. Skype soon?

  Always.

  Skype week after next.

  My stomach clenched. I knew not to ask any questions, but so far he’d always been able to Skype once a week. I didn’t want to imagine a reason he wouldn’t be able to.

  Good night, Katie.

  Night.

  I watched the screen, waiting for him to sign off, but after a few seconds another message came through.

  So beautiful.

  He was gone before I could reply, which was probably a good thing.

  * * *

  “Keller, get back up at the table with that!” I yelled, almost in tears as I tried to clean Gunner up.

  The poor kid was getting molars, which meant he had diarrhea. It had freaked me out the first time it happened, but after a frantic call to the on-call nurse, I was pretty calm about it. Apparently some kids had that reaction to new teeth, and lucky me, one of my kiddos did. Never say that Gunner did anything in half measures.

  “Kell! Table! Now!” I grew increasingly frazzled as Gavin dropped his grape Popsicle down the front of his green shirt.

  “Auntie Kate, I can’t find the diapers,” Sage told me frantically, running from the stairs.

  “They’re on the changing table, the same place as always,” I replied, blowing my hair out of my face.

  “I think they’re all gone.”

  “Shit,” I moaned as I remembered that I was supposed to go to the store that day.

  “Shit,” Gunner mimicked.

  I ignored his words as my laptop rang on the kitchen table.

  “Daddy!” Keller yelled, coming to an abrupt stop by the kitchen table.

  “Keller, if you touch that laptop with Popsicle fingers I’m going to ground you off the Wii for the week!” I screeched, lifting a bare-assed Gunner off the floor and onto my hip as I climbed to my feet.

  We hadn’t talked to Shane in almost three weeks, and I’d finally gotten an email from him the night before telling me he’d be able to call us. Unfortunately, he was calling on one of the hardest days I’d had since he left.

  “Can I answer it?” Sage asked, her finger posed over the keyboard.

  “Go ahead, Sage.” I sighed, walking toward where the big kids were gathered around the computer screen.

  “Hey, guys,” Shane called out cheerfully.

  “Hi, Daddy!”

  “I got every word right on my spelling test,” Sage called over Keller’s greeting.

  “I got a scratch,” Gavin yelled and held up his arm with the scabbed-over two-inch scratch. “I got a Band-Aid!”

  “Awesome job, princess. And that looks like a gnarly scratch, Gav. How’d you do that?” Shane replied, fielding their comments like a pro.

  “I got four shots,” Keller announced, not to be outdone.

  “Good job, bud. Now you can go to kindergarten next year.

  “Hey, Katie,” Shane added with a smile as I finally scooted into the group so Gunner could see his dad. “Hi, Gunner.”

  Gunner smiled and turned his face into my neck. He’d been increasingly shy with everyone, Shane included.

  “Hey—”

  “Gunner’s peeing!” Keller yelled, laughing hysterically as I felt a warm, wet spot spread over the side of my belly.

  “Crap,” I mumbled, my eyes closing in frustration.

  “Why isn’t he wearing a diaper?” Shane asked through his own laughter.

  “Auntie Kate forgot to buy some, and we’re all out,” Sage answered helpfully as my eyes filled with tears.

  Gunner was half naked, Gavin looked like a ragamuffin with his shirt covered in purple slime, Keller was acting more ornery than usual, and Sage had just tattled on me. On top of all that, I looked like crap and felt even worse.

  “Sage,” Shane called, watching the screen intently, “did you check the diaper bag?”

  “No!” She scrambled through the boys and ran toward the front door where we kept it.

  “Have you been giving your auntie a hard time today?” he asked the boys after Sage ran off.

  “No!”

  “I been good!”

  “She looks like she’s not having a very good day,” Shane informed them, causing them to turn their heads toward me.

  They looked at me like they hadn’t even seen me quietly losing it all day.

  “It’s okay, Shane,” I said, smiling at the boys. “I’m just a little tired.”

  “And the baby makes her cry a bunch,” Keller added seriously.

  “Oh yeah? How much?”

  “Not much,” I answered quickly.

  “Found one!” Sage called, rushing back into the room.

  “Oh thank God. I didn’t know how I was going to go to the store with him like this,” I said, grabbing the diaper out of Sage’s outstretched hand.

  “Big kids, come talk to Dad so Auntie Kate can get Gunner fixed up,” Shane ordered, instantly silencing the rowdy boys.

  “Okay, let’s go, monkey,” I murmured, carrying Gunner up the stairs.

  After I’d changed our clothes, I trudged back down the stairs with Gunner perched on the side of my belly. I swore I was popping out more by the day. Pretty soon he’d b
e able to completely sit on it.

  “Okay, my time’s up, guys,” Shane announced to the kids, who were all crammed onto one kitchen chair. “Go get your auntie.”

  “I’m here,” I called as I raced into the kitchen.

  “Love you guys,” Shane told the kids as they blew him kisses and waved. “We still on for tonight, Katie?”

  “Yep.”

  We didn’t say more than that because, if the kids knew he’d be on Skype again later, I’d never get them to bed.

  “Don’t forget to go to the store.”

  “Believe me, I won’t,” I groaned, making him smile.

  “Bye everyone!”

  The screen went blank, and he was gone.

  I hated when that happened.

  “Okay, Andersons! In the car. We need diapers and milk or we’re going to starve covered in Gunner’s pee.”

  * * *

  I held the envelope in my palm and forced myself not to open it. I’d been holding on to it for two weeks and the anticipation was killing me. I slid my finger into the small space I’d pried open and jumped as the laptop rang.

  “Hey, stranger.”

  “Hey yourself.”

  We smiled at each other for a long moment. It was so nice to finally see his face without the distraction of four little monsters screaming over one another in order to be heard.

  “Bad day, huh?” he asked finally.

  “You have no idea. Thankfully, we got a huge bag of diapers so we’re set for a while. I even hid some around the house just in case.”