I, Psychopath

by Ph. D. Stephen M. Kahn

  When we spoke again, I asked about baking jobs in the area and she mentioned knowing a few businesses that might hire me. She was extremely pleased that I was looking for a job so soon and probably hoped to receive some financial assistance from me. Mother wrote a list of bakeries that she took from the phone directory and told me how to find each one. She also offered to give me money for bus fare but I mentioned that the camp had provided a little spending cash which could be used at this time. I didn’t want to take any money from her and obligate myself further so the little money I had would be spent at this time. I put on the best clothes from my bag and exuding a high degree of optimism, left the apartment and started toward the first place on my list. I took a bus which brought me downtown to the vicinity of several of the firms and walked up to the nearest one. I went in and asked to speak to the manager about a job and was quickly told that no openings were available. That was a fast turndown but at least it wasn’t because of my record or appearance. Feeling a little shaken up, I walked to the next company and made the same inquiry but this time, I was rewarded with a face to face meeting. I told the man about my baking experience at the camp and he asked several questions about aspects of my work. I suppose he wanted to see if I really knew anything and after hearing my responses look satisfied with them. He showed me a counter of baked goods and asked if I ever made similar items. Some of them I had shaped and baked but a few of the fancy desserts were unknown to me. I thought that he was considering me when the topic turned to work days and hours but nothing was said about salary. Finally, he asked me how much I expected to earn and I gave him an hourly figure that was two dollars higher than minimum wage. He stared at me for a few minutes and said to give him a few days to consider it and took my phone number. Well, that interview seemed to go pretty good and I decided to try one more bakery before heading home in case he didn’t hire me. The next place also was interested in my experience but wouldn’t talk money until the fellow speaking to me could discuss the matter with his partners. He took my phone number also and I was hoping that both would call me so I could pick the best paying offer.

  I was feeling a little tired when the bus dropped me off and hoped my mother wouldn’t be home but she was. She wanted to know everything that happened and was very impressed by my progress on this first full day of freedom. After talking to her and feeling more drained than I already was, lying down on the bed seemed like the most wonderful event of the day. I didn’t fall asleep but just let my body recuperate until the door opened and closed and my mother left for work. I had the night free but what was there to do. I thought about calling Bart to see if he had any ideas for having a little fun since he was the only other guy around who was my age. I dialed the number he had given me and a gruff voiced woman answered who wanted to know my name and business. After satisfying her fears that I wasn’t the police, she called Bart to the phone and we spoke for the first time in days. I didn’t really want to talk on the phone so I asked Bart to meet me somewhere that was lively and catered to young people. He knew a place and said to meet him in about an hour at a tavern that was not too far from the apartment. I preened in front of a mirror for twenty minutes before leaving and walked at a very brisk pace to the location. Actually, I was feeling very excited since this was my first venture into night life and my hope was that something good would come of it. It took me about fifteen minutes to arrive at the address but looking at the building did not bring out any great elation. The place seemed to be a seedy tavern but it did have loud music and going in was better than sitting in front of the television. With a little anxiety and lots of expectations, I stepped through the door and looked for Bart.

  He was already at the bar having a beer which I thought was strange since we were not of legal drinking age. I walked over to him and we shook hands like old friends and tried to hold a conversation over the loud music but no words could be heard. Bart motioned the bartender to bring me a beer which he did without checking my I.D. and we sat facing the dance floor where several couples were gyrating in ways previously unknown to me. I noticed several nice looking girls but never having danced before prevented me from asking any of them to pair up. Bart seemed to know several of the people in the place and I wondered how he had made so many social contacts in only a few days. Eventually, the band took a break and we were able to talk about our last few days. His parents had taken him around to many places and made it known that he was to be welcomed. I guessed that they were both alcoholics who were well known to the drinking community. He hadn’t even looked for a job yet and was content with hanging around the house and going to various bars with relatives. I told him what had occurred with me and he was not surprised that my first job would be in a bakery. After a few more minutes of banter, I asked him if he knew any of the girls who were wandering around and apparently, he did. He called a couple of them over and introduced them to me as his friend and campmate of many years. The girls seemed to be impressed by our appearances and stood by us until the band played again. Valerie asked me to dance with her and wouldn’t listen to my excuses about never having done so before. She said “on a crowded floor, no one even looks at you.” Taking me by the hand, she led me to the center of everyone and for the first time in my life, I was dancing.

  I didn’t know what to do but Valerie told me to just move my feet in rhythm with the music and it would look perfectly normal. She certainly knew how to move and watching her gave me a powerful sexual feeling that almost had me swooning. I really wanted to hold her close and feel our bodies touching but not rushing things was probably the best way to go. Valerie was almost as tall as me and probably a little older but I also looked more mature than my age and in the dark, it was hard to tell anything anyway. Her eyes were always watching me and she had a very inviting smile on her face which gave me a good feeling. After the dance, we walked back to the bar where Bart was talking to the other girl, Ellie. The girls wanted to know why they hadn’t seen us more often and we told them some of our story. It seemed to impress them very much because their eyes lit up as if finding a fortune. I liked Valerie and wanted her to be my girlfriend but still, a hesitant feeling within me kept my actions from becoming more aggressive. I had no experience with women and didn’t want to make a stupid mistake that would blow my cool image. The next few hours were spent dancing and talking while imbibing in a few more beers. I was not very used to drinking and the alcohol was making me quite heady and romantic. It took a good deal of discipline to keep from continually touching Valerie although she was putting her hands on me quite a lot. I just didn’t know what to make of it and for the first time, the realization entered my mind that women were very difficult to figure out. As the evening wore on, the girls told us that they had to leave since tomorrow was work but they looked forward to seeing us again soon. That was very disappointing to me since I had been hoping for a sexual encounter but what could me and Bart do. It seems that these girls have all the power and say who does what and when. I could feel my temper rising as it became apparent that the opportunity was lost and a rule was born in my mind that told me to take something that was wanted without waiting for an okay.

  Bart and I looked at each other and decided that it was time to call it a night. We talked about the girls and decided that they had teased us and were not going to come across with anything which made me even angrier. We left the bar and after making plans for our next meeting, I headed home where solitude could allow me to analyze what had happened tonight. That bitch, Valerie, really riled me up but I wasn’t going to let her control my thoughts. After all, a few good things had happened to me which had never occurred before. Going to a bar, dancing, talking to women and drinking beer were all new experiences that today’s young people take as a matter of course. I was a quick learner and would catch up on all these wasted years in no time at all. Mother was still up and really looked bushed so she didn’t spend much time asking about my evening I told her what had happened and she seemed pleased that my time h
ad been well spent. My mother wanted me to fit into society and forget about all the past negative events. That was easier said than done but I gave her the impression that it was the proper direction to take. She went to bed and I spent the next few hours thinking over the events at the bar after finding that they wouldn’t leave my mind. I wanted to see Valerie again and come on very aggressively until she gave me what I needed but since no phone numbers had been exchanged, the only place we could run into each other was at that same bar.

  Falling asleep took awhile and I was not in the best mood to start a day. I had to get that entire scenario out of my mind and get back to concentrating on what was important to my plans. Hopefully, one of the bakeries would call and I could start working which would take my mind off other distractions. Money was going to be a problem if I didn’t find a job since the small amount received from the camp was vanishing fast and it didn’t seem cool to take anything from my mother. What if I can’t get a job echoed through my mind and that is when thoughts of committing crimes to obtain cash began to permeate through me. I had only been out of a lockup for a few days and already thoughts had entered my mind about doing something that could land me back in a joint. Between those thoughts and obsessing over Valerie, a hellish strife was created that I had to bring under control in order to see my way clear. The best thing for me to do was get out of the apartment and head downtown to check on some more bakeries for work, and hopefully fill my mind with something other than problems. I had put on my best clothes and was ready to leave when the phone rang and to my surprise, it was one of the bakeries who asked if I still wanted a job. Calmly, I said “yes” and was told to report in the next day with a social security number and begin learning their system. That was a good stroke of luck and saved me from wasting lots of time going from place to place. The caller hadn’t mentioned what they would pay but I was sure it was going to be very close to the figure mentioned yesterday. Once I knew what my take home pay was, it wouldn’t take much to figure out how long it would take me to obtain my own apartment and truly feel free.

  Mother was delighted at the news and thought that I had been making wonderful progress over the last few days. I suppose that she couldn’t wait for me to give her some money and ease the expense burden but a surprise was waiting ahead when it was known that my plans involved moving as soon as possible. I didn’t want to tell her until enough money was saved for deposits and rent on an apartment that would be nearer to downtown. There was no doubt in my mind that she would be hurt by my short term stay with her but living here did not fit in with my plans and after all, she had her boyfriend. Ben came around every few days and it didn’t take me long to guess that he was married and that my mother was his mistress. I didn’t know if he gave her money and didn’t ask because it was her business anyway. Ben never had much to say to me although he was complimentary about having found a job so soon and mentioned that I was on the road to a new life. I didn’t need any compliments from him since he didn’t seem to know right from wrong. I really wasn’t that much of a moral person but with my mother being involved, it just didn’t feel right to me.

  Why she couldn’t find a single man was a mystery. Well, I had my own problems and in spite of doubts about the results of another meeting, decided to go to the bar alone and see if Valerie was there. If we did meet, I had no idea of what to do but it didn’t matter. Just seeing her would make me happier at this time.

  I didn’t want to stay out too late because tomorrow was my first day of work and looking sleepy would not make a good impression on the owner. Leaving about nine that evening, I walked to the bar and with some anxiety, stepped through the door and looked for this woman who was causing turmoil in my thoughts. The bar was not very crowded since it was still early but I was not dismayed. Sitting on a stool at the bar and sipping a beer gave me a good vantage point to survey the crowd and those who were coming in. Time passed slowly but every time the door opened, I felt my heartbeat speed up as if this was the moment she would appear. After two hours, I was feeling kind of down and knew that this was not the night that we would meet. I thought of all kinds of reason why she didn’t show up and after another fifteen minutes passed, decided to leave and try again on Friday night when people were in more of a party mood. I had to start thinking beyond Valerie and seek out other girls who would make themselves more available for my needs and not let any one female dominate my mind. In doing so, I would not be a love sick slave to someone who could cause misery and chaos. I liked that idea and thought it would serve me well in the future. Right now, I wanted to get out of the bar and avoid seeing Valerie in the event she wandered in. Tonight was a total waste and I didn’t want anything to occur that would change that fact. I went home and watched television until mother came. She was absolutely thrilled about my job and said it was the start of something new and big. Little did she know how accurate that statement was going to turn out, but soon, it would be evident.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I had thought about what happened last night and was satisfied that control was back in my life. My sleep was good and my body seemed raring to go on this new job. Having this nowhere job which paid a measly wage was preferable to living in this small dumpy apartment with my mother. She wasn’t really so bad but there would eventually be problems when I wanted to bring someone home and had to explain why my mother was living with me. I needed independence in order to implement plans that were not my mothers’ business and it would also keep her from being implicated in something that was not acceptable to our society. However, I rationalized my choices, it did not matter in the end, since whatever was going to happen was for my benefit only and no one else was going to get in my way. I left the apartment early enough to arrive before my shift began at the bakery and when the manager saw me, he immediately motioned that I was to report to the office for completion of paper work. I spent the next forty minutes answering questions and signing documents that made my employment official. The wage they had hired me at was eight fifty an hour which suited me fine since it was higher than minimum. I then returned to the bakery area and was taken in hand by one of the bakers and shown how the operation worked. It was not too different than at the camp and I was able to fit in very quickly which pleased the other workers. My main duties were to keep the bakers supplied with flour and other items needed for breads and pastries which was a very simple chore for me. I thought the job was really easy and except for the long hours spent on my feet, it was a no brainer. The manager must have thought otherwise because at the end of the day he hinted that a raise would be forthcoming in a few months. Wow, I thought maybe they would raise me up to the huge sum of nine dollars an hour. There was no way to earn the amount of money that I considered sufficient for the good life by working at this place. I could see how trapped my life was by not having college degrees or vast amounts of experiences. Other ways would have to be found that provided the sums of cash that assured having the type of life style that would be to my liking.

  The next two days were very tiring for me since I had never worked at a production line pace before. I managed to do all that was required even though it was an effort at the end of the day and chalked that up to my young energetic age of almost nineteen. I was sure happy when Friday rolled around and now could realize why workers looked forward to the weekend. When I returned to the apartment, there was a message on the answering machine for me from Bart asking if he could pick me up later and go to the same bar. I quickly returned the call and now could look forward to a little evening fun and hopefully, a meeting with Valerie who still lingered on my mind. I ate the meal my mother had left for me and rested on the bed for an hour to rejuvenate my body before going out for the night. I wanted to be in top form in case things worked out for me and romance came my way. By now, I didn’t care if a fling was with Valerie or anyone else, since my sexual energy was really at a high point and it was time to let things happen. I felt better after my rest and waited for Bart to show up and whisk me a
way to what could be the greatest night of my life. He arrived for me about nine and after a few words, we headed for the bar. Bart was looking for a woman also and seemed to be far livelier than I had ever seen him. It would be terrific if both of us scored with sexy girls and had some experience to talk about. It only took about five minutes to reach the bar parking lot and we both entered the doors with high expectations for an interesting night.

  The place was not very crowded yet and we knew that many more people would be showing up in the next few hours. We sat at the bar where I had a good view of the entire space but couldn’t see Valerie anywhere. Hoping that she would come in shortly, I kept my eyes glued to the door and felt a little tinge of excitement every time it opened. The crowd seemed a little subdued for a Friday night and I hoped that their mood would pick up and reach a crescendo. Not seeing Valerie gave me some time to check out other girls and I noticed a few of them who looked pretty good. I attempted to catch any of their eyes and see if there was an interest in making contact but it was really too dark to see anyone’s faces. I drank a few beers and had a buzz on when Bart suggested that we go outside and smoke a joint. I had not smoked marijuana in awhile but was game to use it again. We went to the parking lot where Bart took out an oddly rolled cigarette, lit it and inhaled very deeply while keeping the smoke in his lungs. I had pretty well forgotten how to smoke it but copying Bart’s motions; I took a big drag and held my breath as long as possible. I didn’t know what would happen but within minutes, a strange feeling came over me and dizziness started creeping into my brain. It wasn’t unpleasant but it did give me a slight fright until the feeling became more upbeat. I took a few more puffs that enhanced the high and in fact, started giggling at anything that Bart said. He took me by the arm and almost pulled me back into the bar where the darkness and loud music seemed to take me to another world. This was great, I thought and now if Valerie came in, we would have a marvelous time dancing, laughing and whatever else turned up.