Boys for Beginners

by Lil Chase

  And I am now a fully fledged girlie girl.

  Chapter 14

  ‘Gwynnie! Phone!’ Dad shouts up from the hallway.

  ‘Who is it?’ I shout back, already running down the stairs, hoping it’s Charlie calling to declare his undying love.

  ‘I don’t know. Didn’t ask. But weirdly enough, she sounds like a girl.’

  I grab the phone out of his hands. ‘Very funny.’

  ‘I know!’ he says, and walks off like a grinning loon.

  ‘Heya, Gwynnie. It’s Elizabeth.’

  ‘Hi, Elizabeth, how are you? Did you need some help with the geography homework? Because I’m telling you—’

  ‘No. Just calling to say hello really.’

  This is weird. No one has ever called me to say hello before. ‘Oh . . . hello.’ What do you say after you’ve said hello?

  ‘What are you up to?’ she asks.

  ‘Ummm. Not much. The phone rang, my dad made a rubbish joke, and now I’m talking to you.’

  Elizabeth laughs. ‘I’m bored. Want to come over? I’ve lost a few pounds this week and it might be fun to see if I could squeeze into something of yours,’ she says. ‘Fat chance – literally.’

  ‘You wouldn’t want to get into my stuff. I’m an extra small.’

  ‘And I’m an extra large,’ she says, sounding quite pleased about it. ‘There must be a happy medium!’

  We both laugh for ages about that and I think it might be fun to hang out with Elizabeth. But then I remember that I have plans with Jenny this afternoon.

  ‘Actually, I’m going over to Jenny’s. She says she’s going to fix my hair.’ I’d been thinking it will be a bit weird to go over to Jenny’s just me and Jenny. It would be easier to have Elizabeth along too so all the girlie focus isn’t on me. ‘Want to come?’

  ‘Do you think she’d mind?’ Elizabeth asks.

  ‘No, why would she?’ Would she? ‘I’ll meet you there at twelve.’

  It’s about twelve thirty and Elizabeth and me are round Jenny’s house, sitting in front of her mirror in her bedroom. There is something different about Jenny today, but I can’t put my finger on what.

  ‘So you gliiiiiide the straighteners down to the tips of your hair.’ As she says gliiiiide she gliiiiides the straighteners. ‘And now that bit is straight!’

  ‘What?’ I say, not quite believing that it’s so easy. ‘That’s it?’

  ‘That’s it,’ Jenny says.

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘Pretty cool, eh?’ says Elizabeth. ‘It’s like an electric miracle!’

  I smile at Elizabeth’s joke, but Jenny frowns at her like this is not the time for funny. Elizabeth shuts up.

  ‘Now you try,’ Jenny says.

  ‘What?’ I feel like I am being asked to fly a plane with no training.

  ‘You are going to have to learn so you can do it at home on your own.’

  ‘But I don’t have straighteners at home.’

  ‘You could use an iron and an ironing board,’ Elizabeth says, and she and Jenny start laughing.

  ‘Yeah, what kind of idiot would do that?’ Jenny says. I am exactly that kind of idiot. ‘No, really, hon. You can have these ones.’

  ‘What? Why?’ Jenny is being so nice to me and I can’t believe I was ever mean about her ever.

  ‘We can’t have a member of the BB Club going around looking ugly. No offence, Elizabeth.’ Elizabeth looks crushed, then smiles, which makes it worse. ‘Anyway, these are my old ones. I have some ghd’s now so I don’t need them.’

  ‘What the hell are ghd’s?’

  Both Jenny and Elizabeth give me the you have so much to learn look, which I do, I know. ‘They are, like, the next generation in straighteners and they are the best.’ She hands me her old ones. ‘These are nothing compared to ghd’s, but they’ll do.’

  ‘Thanks so much, Jenny.’

  She says, ‘What are friends for?’ Then she grabs me and gives me a big hug. This is weird. Apart from that time I scored the winner in the eighty-second minute, I have never been hugged by a friend before. It feels nice. I hug her back.

  Suddenly she looks at Elizabeth. ‘Elizabeth, sorry,’ she says, ‘I didn’t tell my mom you were coming over as you came over uninvited, so there won’t be enough lunch for you. Would you mind leaving?’

  Elizabeth looks crushed again. ‘Sorry, Jenny. Of course. I’ll go.’

  I feel bad for Elizabeth. ‘I don’t mind not eating,’ I say. ‘I could go.’

  ‘No, no, it’s fine,’ says Elizabeth as she grabs her bag and runs out the door. ‘See you later, you two. I’ll give you both a call in a bit.’

  ‘Yeah, whatever.’ Jenny shuts the door on Elizabeth.

  I frown at Jenny. ‘That was a bit harsh, Jenny. I wonder if Eliz—’

  ‘Gwynnie,’ Jenny interrupts and looks wide-eyed and excited. ‘I have an idea. Why don’t we text Charlie?’

  ‘Charlie Notts?’

  ‘Of course Charlie Notts.’ She looks at me like I’m some kind of muppet. ‘Let’s ask him if he wants to come to the cinema with us later.’ Without waiting for my approval, she starts tapping away. She already knows what I’ll say.

  ‘And Paul?’ I ask.

  ‘Of course Paul.’

  ‘What are you writing?’

  ‘Oh, you know . . .’

  I have absolutely no idea.

  She presses send and we wait, without saying a word.

  In a minute he’s texted back. I grab for the phone but Jenny won’t let me see it.

  ‘He says he’s coming!’ she says.

  ‘Oh my God. Did he say that he liked me or anything?’

  ‘No. But he knows it’s going to be just the four of us and he still said he’d come.’

  ‘That’s like a double date! I am going out with Charlie on a double date. This is amazing!’

  ‘Well, yeah, but don’t get too excited. It’s still early days.’ She looks quite serious and suddenly I get suspicious.

  ‘What does it say exactly?’ I grab for her phone. She tries to stop me, but I am too quick for her. I ignore the puke-inducing photo of her snogging Paul on the screensaver and get to her messages. When I see the list of messages there are actually quite a few from Charlie, but there are loads from Paul and the other BB Club members, so I just check the last one. It says:

  cool will b gd to c u x

  ‘He hasn’t mentioned me.’ He hasn’t even mentioned Paul, and Paul’s Jenny’s boyfriend. ‘What’s going on, Jenny? Does Charlie fancy you?’

  ‘Don’t be silly. “u” means me and you and Paul. You two are totally implied in the message. Who else would I bring along besides my boyfriend and my best friend?’

  Wow! Did Jenny just call me her best friend? Does that mean I have to say she’s my best friend?

  ‘So, do you think he wants to see me then?’

  ‘Of course he does!’ This must be why Jenny sent Elizabeth away; she’s setting me up with Charlie Notts. If that’s not a best-friend thing to do, I don’t know what is! I feel a bit bad for Elizabeth, but she’ll understand when we explain.

  ‘Right,’ she says. ‘We’re meeting in two hours outside the cinema and you’ve still got crap hair, which can’t happen.’ She gets to work on my hair again. Clearly there is no time to let me do it myself in this emergency situation.

  ‘Er, Jenny, how do I talk to him?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘When he’s around everything I say sounds so stupid.’

  ‘You’re right,’ says Jenny, and she makes a face like this is another emergency that she needs to sort out. ‘OK, two tips for talking to boys. First, always ask them questions about themselves and things they are interested in. They love talking about themselves. Second, if you can’t think of a brilliant answer to something they’ve said, just laugh. It makes them think they’re funny even when they are idiots.’

  ‘That’s genius!’

  ‘I know. Also . . .’ she continues. She loves giving
me these lessons. ‘You have to flirt as much as you can with other guys to make the guy you like jealous. If you can kiss someone else in front of them, that’s even better. Basically, boys are obsessed by sex, so if you let them know that you’re willing to do stuff, then they’ll fancy you more.’

  Does that mean that I have to snog someone else before I can snog Charlie Notts? That’s going to be even harder than just snogging Charlie Notts.

  ‘After your hair we have to do your make-up properly.’

  ‘Shouldn’t we text Paul first?’

  ‘Oh yeah!’ she says. She texts Paul.

  ‘And maybe Elizabeth, to explain.’

  ‘I’ll do that later.’

  I’m sitting there imagining my totally amazing date that I’m about to have with Charlie and I ask Jenny what her ideal date would be.

  ‘Well,’ she doesn’t even pause; she clearly thinks about this stuff as much as I do, which is a relief, ‘he would obviously have made a big effort. I hate these guys who just roll out of bed and think that will be enough to impress. He would have slicked back his hair so he looks all smart and be wearing a really cool designer suit. He’d arrive with a gigantic bunch of roses and give them to me with a poem that he had written himself saying how much he loved me and how amazing I am and everything. Then he’d ask the band to play our song and he would scoop me up in his arms and kiss me tenderly in front of everyone, so that they would know I was the only woman in the world for him . . .’

  We both go all dreamy for a second just thinking about this scenario.

  ‘Paul would be so sweet if he did that for you.’

  ‘Paul?’ It’s like I’ve woken her out of her dream and she has to remind herself who on earth Paul is. ‘Oh yeah, Paul. He would be so sweet doing all that.’

  She sort of changes the subject by going to her drawer and getting out these slimy pink things that look like raw chicken and stuffing them in her bra. I knew there was something different about Jenny when I arrived: her boobs weren’t as ginormous as they usually are. Now that she’s put the slimy things down there, they look massive again.

  ‘What the hell are they?’

  ‘Chicken fillets.’

  ‘Ewww. Won’t they go off?’

  ‘Are you always this dumb, Gwynnie, or do you put it on for show?’ She chucks me one and I try not to show how repulsed I am by the thought of touching it. They feel gooey, and when I take my fingers away I’m amazed that my hands aren’t covered in sticky stuff.

  She continues to explain. ‘They help enhance the size and shape of your boobs. The trick I use is to put three fillets in each cup.’

  ‘You stuff your bra?’

  ‘Not stuff, en-hance. It’s totally different.’

  She’s says it’s different, but I’m not sure that it is.

  Chapter 15

  Charlie sat next to me at the cinema. At one point he put his arm on the back of my chair. But when I leaned back so that he basically had his arm around me he apologized and took his arm away again. I giggled, like Jenny had told me to, but Charlie just gave me a weird look.

  Still, there is no denying that Charlie and I just went to the cinema with another couple. I’m sure that means that we are a couple. Nearly.

  After the cinema we all sort of hang around outside for a bit. Paul and Jenny are holding hands and I keep changing my position so that Charlie can hold my hand if he wants to. He doesn’t though, but I suppose that he is not ready to go public with our relationship yet.

  ‘Do you guys want to come back to my house?’ Paul asks.

  ‘Yeah, all right,’ I say. I am probably not allowed to play Gears of War now that I’m a girlie girl. What the flan are girlie girls allowed to do? I guess that’s why we’re always phoning and IMing saying how bored we are.

  ‘Um, sorry, hun,’ says Jenny. ‘I’ve got to go back to mine. My mom’s got this stupid thing where she wants us to spend time together as a family, so we’re having this big ol’ sit-down dinner.’

  We all groan and feel sorry for her. What’s with parents always wanting to spend time as a family?

  I say, ‘Yeah, dudes, actually I think I best go home too.’ Dudes? Why did I say that? No one says dudes. I cover it up by quickly saying, ‘Paul, are you coming, dude?’ as if dude is coming back and I’m not a weirdo, I’m more of a trend-setter.

  Paul looks at me like I’m a weirdo.

  But then Jenny says, ‘Where do you live, Charlie?’

  ‘Near Mount Street. Do you know it?’

  ‘Well golly, what a surprise! I live near Mount Street too.’

  I’m sure she already knew that.

  ‘I could walk home with you.’ Charlie quickly looks at Paul. I think he’s checking it’s OK. I guess he’s realized that Paul is the only proper friend he’s made at Northampton Hill High, and even though he’s not in the same year as him he doesn’t want to lose him as a mate.

  ‘That would be real swell of you, Charlie,’ says Jenny, and looks at Paul like he better not say anything. ‘Paul’s not the possessive type, thank God. I just couldn’t stand it if he was.’

  Paul can do nothing but nod and smile at Charlie.

  ‘Does Gwynnie live near you, Paul?’ asks Charlie. ‘Can you make sure she gets home safe?’

  He cares about my safety. That’s a good sign.

  ‘Yeah, she lives round the corner.’

  Paul doesn’t need to sound so disappointed.

  ‘Nice one then. You can walk Gwynnie home and I’ll walk Jenny home. See you at school, guys,’ he says. ‘See you, Paul.’ Charlie and Paul do that eyebrow-raising thing that blokes always do that says goodbye without having to smile. ‘See you, Gwynnie.’ He leans forward. He’s going to snog me! I sort of stand there like a lemon and wait to see what I should do. I get my lips ready and open my mouth a bit in case he puts his tongue in. He presses his cheek against my cheek and sort of kisses the air by my ear like I’ve seen the Year 10s do. He’s so mature! I’m hoping that it’s just a kiss on the cheek before he goes in for the big snog . . . But it isn’t. He just steps back and smiles at me. At least I can say that Charlie Notts has kissed me.

  Jenny comes over to me and says, ‘Bye, Gwynnie,’ and does the same thing as Charlie just did. When did we start kissing each other goodbye? Just then, I suppose.

  Paul gives Jenny a proper snog, and Charlie and I have to stand there like knobs while they go at it. It’s like Paul is one of those people who put a towel on their sunlounger so no one else lies on it. Paul is saying to Charlie, Jenny is my sunlounger, and you better not lie on her. They finally stop snogging and she says, ‘Come on then, Charlie, let’s go.’

  Paul and I watch them walk off together. Paul’s frowning. He calls after her, ‘Make sure you text me to let me know how rubbish your dinner is!’

  She sort of waves a reply without looking round. She’s too busy giggling at whatever Charlie just said.

  Paul and I start walking back home and what’s weird is that it’s really weird between us. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what to say. I’ll do that question thing Jenny suggested. ‘Did you see what Victoria Beckham was wearing to the Gucci party?’

  He looks at me like I’m talking the alien language we just heard in the movie, only without subtitles. ‘Er, no.’

  ‘She looked ridiculous.’

  ‘Oh.’

  We walk along in silence again before Paul gives conversation a go. ‘Did you see Lampard’s free kick?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I know you hate him, but that kick was something else. From way outside the penalty box.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘And what about Spurs beating Newcastle?’ he says. ‘You must be well chuffed.’

  ‘I didn’t see it,’ I say. Somewhere inside me my heart squeezes in my chest and I realize that I miss Spurs like an old friend.

  ‘Oh. Well, you should have. It was a good game.’

  Instead of thinking about how much I miss Spurs, I conc
entrate on why I’m doing all of this. ‘What do you and Charlie talk about when me and Jenny aren’t there?’ Please say me. Please say me.

  ‘Not much. Football mostly.’

  ‘Oh . . . Does he ever talk about me?’

  ‘No. Why?’

  ‘No reason.’

  This is the worst conversation I have ever had ever.

  ‘Hey,’ he says, all excited again, ‘Ranjit’s arranged a match against some of the kids from Queen Charlotte’s Grammar after school tomorrow.’

  ‘Why the hell was Ranj talking to the kids from Queen Tartlet’s?’ I ask. ‘Is he doing research on what makes people act like knobs?’

  Paul laughs. ‘No. It was wicked. Ranj was wicked.’ Paul turns to me and his eyes are all wide and excited. ‘There was like twenty of the Tartlet kids all hanging around the bus stop—’

  ‘Our bus stop? What were they doing there?’

  ‘I don’t know, but anyway . . . They were all hanging round at the bus stop thinking they were cool or whatever, when they see us coming, so they start acting all loud—’

  ‘Idiots!’

  ‘I know. One of them takes out a cigarette and he goes to Ranj, You got a light, mate? and Ranj is like, No. I’ve got a life, mate, so why don’t you jog on.’

  ‘Good one.’

  ‘Well, it sounded cooler than how I just said it to you now. Anyway, they started saying how Northampton are rubbish because we’ve got a rubbish pitch.’

  ‘Which is true,’ I say with a shrug and a nod. ‘It is a rubbish pitch.’

  ‘I know. But they’re not allowed to say that. Anyway, Ranj was like, We have the skills to play on a pitch that has a few bumps in it. You posh kids need everything ironed out by your butlers.’

  ‘Brilliant.’

  ‘He tells them how they don’t want to get their dainty boots dirty so they have to play on AstroTurf.’

  ‘I bet they didn’t like that.’

  ‘Then I say, Come on then, let’s have a match. That is, if you don’t mind getting your shoes mucky !” and I sort of sang “shoes mucky” so they knew that we thought they were girls.’

  ‘They are girls!’

  ‘So then they had to agree to play against us. It’s tomorrow after school. Can you come? You’re our best winger.’