Boys for Beginners

by Lil Chase

  What can I say to that? I put it simply. ‘I can’t come.’ There is just no way. I guess this is what they mean when they say you have to make sacrifices for love.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Jenny and me and the others are going into town to get frappuccinos.’

  Paul stops talking and frowns. He can’t look at my face and I know this is where he asks me what’s going on. He mumbles something under his breath that I can’t hear.

  ‘What?’ I ask. But I don’t really want to know because it won’t be good.

  ‘You never want to play football any more.’

  I say nothing.

  ‘You’ve gone all weird.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I reply.

  ‘You’re all frappuccinos and manicures these days. You never want to kick the ball around the park or come over and play Pro Evo. Why not? How come you suddenly don’t like this stuff?’

  He’s getting angry with me. So I get angry with him for being angry with me. ‘I don’t know why I don’t like those things any more. Maybe I have just grown up a little bit and you haven’t. Girls mature faster than boys—’

  ‘That’s such a load of crap! Girls mature faster than boys! Just because you ponce around at Starbucks all the time, bitching and gossiping about people, doesn’t make you mature. Especially as I know you don’t like coffee.’

  ‘I love coffee actually.’ I can’t stand it. But the mochaccino is OK if you ask for an extra shot of chocolate and whipped cream on top and add loads of sugar.

  ‘No, you don’t, you hate it. Why are you acting like a muppet?’

  ‘I’m just acting like your precious girlfriend Jenny Gregson. You don’t say this stuff to her.’

  ‘Because you’re different to her.’

  I’m not sure why, but that comment makes me the angriest of all. ‘Maybe I’m not different. Maybe I am exactly the same.’

  ‘You’re not. You’ve changed.’

  I think about that for a second. There’s nothing I can say. It’s totally true. ‘You changed first,’ I mumble. But luckily he doesn’t hear me.

  Chapter 16

  ‘OK, children, I have some good news and some bad news.’ The Dazzler is chuckling away so we know that both will be bad news. ‘The good news is that the board has made their ruling. School uniform is going ahead. Effective immediately.’

  Everyone goes into a state of shock. The place is silent. Like we can’t quite believe it.

  ‘Your teachers have already given you a list of acceptable attire, and I expect to see you all wearing it tomorrow.’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Elizabeth whispers to me, although she needn’t have whispered as everyone is talking.

  Tanya, who is sitting on the other side of me, says, ‘We’ll look like those posh kids from Queen Charlotte’s!’

  ‘That would be the worst!’ says Elizabeth, nodding.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I whisper back. ‘Jenny says that it’s just a threat. They can’t actually make us do it if we don’t want to.’

  Elizabeth doesn’t look convinced but Tanya nods and looks happy again. Tanya can be like a puppy at times – one minute she’s whining and the next she’s wagging her tail. Not literally, of course.

  ‘OK, quieten down now.’ The Dazzler is trying to get us to shut up. ‘I have to tell you the bad news: we have decided to allow a school prom to go ahead.’

  Now everyone gets really excited. Elizabeth squeezes my arm and Tanya gets into full-on puppy mode – she squeals and looks like she’s about to pee.

  ‘What we need is a group of volunteers to organize the event.’

  All the BB Club look down the row at each other and nod an agreement: we are the people to organize this prom. We are the only ones who could make it cool. Jenny sits up a little and catches Melissa’s eye, sitting behind us with the Year 10s. They nod at each other and everyone in the school sees. This is going to be the BB Club’s prom.

  ‘We should start with the most important stuff,’ says Kimba, ‘and then work back to the least important.’

  We all agree. We’re taking this very seriously. We’ve brought notepads and pens and files to Elizabeth’s house after school for our first official BB Club Prom Planning Committee meeting. Macaroni – Elizabeth’s fluffy Pomeranian dog – is also sitting in the circle with us as if he’s contributing. But he’s not. Unless you call bad breath a contribution.

  ‘So,’ Kimba continues, and looks at the list on her paper, ‘when shall we have it?’

  Elizabeth stands up, grabs a calendar from her wall and flicks through the pages. ‘Um, May is always nice,’ she says.

  We all shrug, like, OK, why not?

  ‘But can we do it at the end of May?’ she asks. ‘So that we have time to lose a few more pounds before then.’

  That’s hardly an issue for me, but they are all nodding and shrugging at Elizabeth, and even Macaroni is panting in agreement, so I nod along too.

  ‘That’s decided then,’ says Melissa, ‘Saturday the 30th of May.’

  Kimba looks back at her list. ‘More importantly than the date – what’re you guys wearing?’

  The girls all speak at once until gradually they work out how to take it in turns.

  ‘I think I am going to wear this red strapless boob tube—’ says Melissa, but she is instantly interrupted by Jenny.

  ‘Er, like all boob tubes are strapless. Duh, Melissa!’

  What’s a boob tube? It sounds painful. I’ve heard of a pointed bra, but a tube-shaped one would be weird.

  ‘I drew my ideal dress in art class,’ says Elizabeth. ‘But Mrs Gatwood took it off me and said that I wasn’t paying attention. And I was like, Hello! This is art class . . . I’m drawing.’

  ‘What are you going to wear, Gwynnie?’ asks Tanya.

  ‘Jenny said she’ll straighten my hair with the ghd’s.’

  ‘But what are you wearing?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say, and they all look at me like I am a disorganized freak. It’s like they have been planning for prom their whole lives, when we just found out about it this morning. The only thing I can think of is something a Disney princess might throw on, but I don’t think that’s really me. ‘Maybe leggings with a dress over it.’

  ‘You can’t wear leggings to prom!’ They all shout at exactly the same time, then giggle a little.

  ‘I know, I know. I was only joking.’ I was not only joking. Lucky we’re having this meeting or I would have looked like a fool.

  ‘What about that one really pretty dress you have?’ says Jenny.

  ‘What dress?’ I ask. I have no idea what she is talking about. I only have one dress and that’s—

  ‘You know . . . The blue one . . . The one that’s hanging up in your cupboard downstairs.’

  Jenny’s only ever been in my house for about two milliseconds. Somehow she’s managed to check out my cupboards.

  ‘I’m not wearing that.’ I would never wear that dress in a million years.

  ‘Why?’ asks Kimba. ‘Is it even more hideous than everything else you own?’

  ‘That dress is the most beautiful dress in the world!’ I snap at her. It’s more precious to me than a million signed photos of Gazza or a million Mulberry handbags. I could never fit that dress. And I don’t mean because it’s not my size.

  ‘But, Gee, it’s so—’

  ‘I’m not wearing it, OK!’ I sort of shout at Jenny. I have never shouted at Jenny. I don’t think anyone ever has. Jenny pouts and everyone goes all quiet for a minute. I pray they are not about to chuck me out of the BB Club for being a bitch. Or reduce my bronze membership to wood. ‘Sorry, Jenny.’ I say.

  Elizabeth speaks quietly to Jenny. ‘It must be her mum’s,’ she says, and I well up a little because she’s exactly right.

  ‘That’s OK, Gwynnie,’ says Melissa. ‘You can wear what you want.’

  They all nod along, even Jenny.

  ‘Let’s change the subject,’ says T
anya, and I’m really touched. Girls can be really nice when they want to be. ‘Who do you want to snog?’

  All of us say Charlie Notts. Except for Jenny, who will be snogging Paul all night.

  ‘OK,’ says Tanya. ‘But none of us are allowed to be jealous if someone else gets to snog him.’

  ‘We’ll add a Charlie Notts non-jealous clause into the pact of the BB Club,’ says Melissa with a nod.

  ‘That, and that no one is allowed to buy the same dress,’ adds Kimba.

  ‘Well, I’m not jealous, obviously, because I have Paul,’ says Jenny. I think she feels a bit left out when we talk about Charlie because she has already found the love of her life. ‘It’s our eight-weekiversary on Wednesday.’

  ‘You’ve been going for eight weeks?!’ Elizabeth gasps. ‘That’s like, for-ev-er. You two are such a good couple.’

  Tanya opens her mouth wide. ‘Do you think you’ll get married?’ she asks. ‘Do you think he’ll propose when you turn sixteen?’

  ‘I don’t know. Probably,’ she says. She’s thought a lot about this. I’ve seen the ring she’s designed and everything.

  I want to ask the BB girls about something. I wasn’t sure before, but now that they are being so nice I say, ‘Girls?’

  I wait till I have their full attention. They know this is going to be good.

  ‘If I tell you something, can we make it part of the BB pact that no one is allowed to say anything about it?’

  Melissa looks me right in the eyes with the most sincere expression. ‘Gwynnie, we would never tell anyone anything you tell us in confidence. That’s, like, fully the thing that BB girls don’t do.’

  I wait a minute before I look round the group and say, ‘How many boys have you ever got off with?’

  ‘Four,’ says Melissa.

  ‘Six,’ says Kimba, looking smug.

  ‘One,’ says Tanya, a bit embarrassed.

  ‘Er,’ says Elizabeth, ‘there was that one time where it almost happened with Terry Phelps, but then his mum arrived to pick him up.’

  Jenny comes in with, ‘Well, I’m on eight,’ like it’s no big deal and we won’t be impressed or anything. ‘One party I was at last year I got off with three guys in one night. It was such a cool party.’

  ‘I wish I’d been there.’ Then I ask the thing I need to ask, ‘How do you know when a bloke is going to snog you? How do you get a guy to actually do it?’

  ‘Usually the guy is all over you,’ says Jenny. ‘At least, that’s what happens with me. But sometimes they need a little help. You need to be in a position where they don’t have to travel too much distance to get their lips to your lips.’

  I imagine myself spending a whole night standing right in front of Charlie with our noses pressed together.

  ‘So, like, when you’re sitting next to a guy you have to snuggle up to his arm so he knows that you want him to put his arm around you,’ Jenny says. ‘Then you sit there for a bit and usually he will just grab you and snog you. But if he doesn’t then you can sort of look at him for a second and lean in and see if he tries it.’

  ‘Um, OK,’ I say. ‘But, what if he doesn’t?’

  Tanya asks me, ‘How did it happen with that guy you snogged?’

  This was a lie I told to the BB girls. I told them I kissed someone called Chris Waddle when I was on holiday with a long-lost cousin of mine from Newcastle. But, like Elizabeth, I’ve never snogged anyone. I can’t bear to tell them the truth so I lie even more. ‘That’s the problem, I don’t remember. One minute he was standing next to me and the next . . .’

  ‘That’s what it’s always like!’ says Elizabeth.

  Kimba gives her this look like, How would you know?

  I continue. ‘It was so long ago I think I’ve forgotten how to kiss.’

  Jenny looks really sorry for me and gives me a big hug. ‘Oh, hun. It’s real easy: firstly, you have to do it with your eyes closed. People who kiss with their eyes closed are more passionate people. I always kiss with my eyes closed unless I’m checking to see if Paul is kissing with his eyes closed.’

  I nod. Eyes closed. Easy.

  Then Melissa cuts in. ‘His mouth has to be around your mouth because he’s the man and the man’s mouth has to be on the outside to show that he is dominant.’

  Dominant is bad. OK.

  Now Kimba’s saying, ‘Make sure that you don’t move your tongue round and round his tongue, because then people will call you a dishwasher.’

  ‘Don’t just push your tongue in and out or else they’ll say you’re a pogo,’ says Melissa.

  ‘If you waggle it from side to side you’re a windscreen wiper,’ says Tanya.

  They all make a yuck face.

  ‘Windscreen wipers are, like, the worst!’

  There’s so much to remember!

  ‘You have to vary it up a little,’ says Jenny. ‘A bit of normal kissing, like pecks on the lips. Then a staircase—’

  ‘What’s a staircase?’ I ask.

  ‘When it goes your top lip, his top lip, your bottom lip, his bottom lip. So you are sort of sucking each other’s lips.’ When she makes the kissing face, Macaroni comes over and tries to lick her on the lips. Jenny just manages to push him away before she gets snog number nine.

  ‘OK,’ I say. ‘That makes sense.’ I’ll have to skip the staircase.

  ‘But never do one technique for more than ten seconds at a time or else the kissing gets boring and the guy is just waiting for it to end,’ Melissa says.

  ‘Did you hear about Lucy Bellings in the year above?’ asks Kimba. ‘She made Robin Hall fall asleep when she was kissing him. She didn’t even notice for about ten minutes until he started snoring in her mouth!’

  They all laugh, and now I’m even more nervous.

  After the meeting Jenny and I are walking home and she turns to me. ‘You never really snogged that guy on holiday last year, did you?’

  I have to think about whether or not to confide in her. Then I remember that she is my best friend. ‘No, I didn’t.’

  She goes quiet. I feel bad. Like I’ve betrayed her.

  ‘Sorry, Jenny. I didn’t mean to lie to you, but I’m just a bit embarrassed about it. You won’t tell anyone, will you?’

  She looks me straight in the eye. ‘I don’t understand why you felt you had to lie, honey.’ I think she is going to get angry but then she hugs me. ‘I won’t tell anyone. I promise.’

  ‘Thanks, Jenny.’

  ‘What are best friends for?’ she says. And I think that best friends are for exactly this.

  Chapter 17

  Kevin’s car is outside the house when I get home from school today. Nice one. I haven’t seen Kev in a while.

  He must not have his whippet ears in because neither Kev or Dad shouts hello to me when I close the front door.

  Dad’s saying, ‘I don’t want to put you out, Kevin.’

  Then Kevin says, ‘Dad, I swear, it’s fine. I got a little extra this month.’

  Is Dad borrowing money from Kevin?

  ‘You don’t need it to take out this new girlfriend of yours?’

  ‘Really, Dad. I said it was fine last time.’

  Dad’s borrowed money from Kevin before?

  ‘Honestly,’ Kevin says, ‘Gwynnie is more important.’

  Dad’s borrowing money from Kevin for me? I burst into the kitchen and, sure enough, Dad is shoving some notes into his pocket quickly so that I don’t see, but I do.

  ‘Hi, Gwyndoe. I didn’t hear you come in.’

  ‘Hi, Dad. Hi, Kev. What are you doing here?’

  Kev rolls his eyes. ‘Charming, isn’t she? I’ve come to see my geeky Dad and my spotty sister. Is that all right with you?’

  I run and check my face on the microwave. No sign of a spot. Then I remember that Kevin’s always called me his spotty sister.

  ‘I am not geeky!’ Dad says, pretending to be offended. ‘I bought the latest Katy Perry CD, I’ll have you know.’ Dad thinks he’s so down with the kids
because he’s heard of Katy Perry.

  Kev says, ‘But you have to admit that my sister is spotty.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Dad replies. ‘I can’t argue with that!’

  Those two are about as funny as an episode of Songs of Praise.

  ‘How’s Paul, Gwynnie?’ asks Kevin. Kevin hearts Paul. I sometimes think that he wishes Paul was his brother rather than having me as his sister. ‘Is he still going out with Stephanie Gregson’s little sister?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s their eight-weekiversary today.’

  They both laugh as if young love is the most hilarious thing since their hilarious double act from a moment ago. Kevin says, ‘Oooooh, did he get her something nice? If fifty years is gold, what’s eight weeks? Dust? Hot air?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe I could ask him if I had a mobile phone.’

  Dad and Kevin look at each other and smile.

  ‘Did you want a mobile phone, Gwynnie?’ says Dad. ‘You should have said something.’

  ‘Senility is clearly setting in early.’

  ‘So you don’t want this phone I got you?’ he smirks.

  What?! ‘Did you get me a mobile?’

  He nods. Kevin nods too. Dad pulls out a box from where it’s been sitting on a chair pushed in under the kitchen table.

  ‘Dad, you’re the best dad ever!’

  He hands it to me and I take it out of the box and look at it. It’s a pretty cheap model but it’s the latest cheap model, and it’s the same one that Melissa has, but in black, which is really cool. I put in the SIM card and battery, and plug it in to charge.

  ‘Don’t you need to read the instructions first?’

  ‘No one reads instructions, Dad,’ I say, getting out my book with all my friends’ numbers and tapping away at my phone.

  ‘Yeah, Dad,’ says Kevin. He’s taking the mick, but I don’t care.

  I text Jenny:

  hey Jenny, its gwynnie. i hv finally got a mobile! its a rubbish model but at least i’ll b able 2 txt u now tb x x

  Jenny texts back:

  cool. i can bore u with my problems 24/7. lucky u x x

  I text:

  when do u think i should txt cn? tb x x