Almost Alive

by Christina Barr

  “It must not have been that pleasant.”

  “Excuse me?” Slap him! He deserves to be slapped. My hand started tensing up as I began to prepare.

  “Most people who aren’t honor bound by religion that get in the habit don’t actually stop after one time.”

  He infuriated me! It even infuriated me more that he was actually right about it. “Well, I’m single now! And stop being such a douche! You’re making it far too easy for the demon to make me dislike you.”

  He laughed amused. “You’ll get over it. I was really hostile toward my teacher too.”

  “Oh?” I felt sorry that someone else had to put up with him. “And what happened to him?”

  Then it happened. Julian showed that he was vulnerable and sad, if only for the few seconds it took to get out his sentence. “He’s no longer with us.”

  “Oh.” I felt so incredibly terrible. “I’m sorry to hear that.” Maybe he was right about the demon making me feel so horrible toward him. He couldn’t have been a threat to me. He was a threat to the demon.

  “He taught me how to survive with this curse. I know I’m not perfect and I may not look like someone who fights against demons, but I do and I am good at it. I can help you if you let me.”

  “I am letting you!” I whined.

  Julian grabbed my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “Let me help you.”

  I’m not sure how he got the power to calm me so when he wanted, but I felt everything inside me soothe, and I realized how little of myself I actually was. The blanket had been pulled off and I uncovered who was really resting in the sheets. I wanted the demon gone. I wanted to be alone in my head again. How could I live if I couldn’t even trust my own thoughts? “Okay.”

  “And then you can help me.” He let me go and smiled a little bit. From that, I felt a bit of comradery between the two of us.

  “You know, you never really told me what you want me to do. Banish them to hell? Maybe. But if the demons are living in human’s bodies, then aren’t they technically part human? I get hunting, but I don’t think I can kill anyone. I don’t think I have it in me to fight your war.”

  “Men are sent across the world to fight men with the exact same humanity as them, yet they are conditioned to kill those men because of their loyalty to their geographical location. Don’t worry about learning how to fight. I’ll teach you how to kill them. Hopefully, they don’t teach you first.” Geez, he was all man! Yeah, he was coated in more mascara than me, but he was totally manly and though I think my feelings were still rooted strongly within me, I totally believed that he could have conditioned me to suck it up and fight. I’m not gonna lie. It was pretty hot.

  I was kind of flustered, but I figured it was the demon playing mind games again. “Is there anything else I should know before I go home?”

  “Yeah.” He looked a little surprised. I guess he thought we had so much more to talk about. We did, but I needed to get away from him and clear my head from all of the forced emotions and sort out what was real and if I could trust him. “Rule number four: it’s important to keep good company. If all your friends are drunken whores or just trouble makers in general, then it’s probably best to stay away from them.”

  My old friends were generally good people, but they stabbed me in the back and once were far too many times. “I don’t have any friends anymore.”

  “The rule applies to family too, if you can help it.”

  I didn’t want to tell him about my super lust charged parents. I was so embarrassed about it. I couldn’t even confront them. I certainly wasn’t going to blurt it to a guy who still felt like my enemy. “What about my parents? Should I tell them?”

  “Are they believers?”

  “No.”

  “Then absolutely not. You don’t want them to have you committed and don’t think for a second that they won’t.” As sad as it was, I knew he was right.

  “You want me to lie to them?” That seemed awfully contradictory to the “no sin” policy. Besides, it just wasn’t my style.

  “I want you not to talk about it. I know this must sound like the most terrible thing in the world, but I’m the only one right now that can be here for you. We’ll try to find some other righteous citizens, but right now it’s just the two of us against the whole world.” I didn’t feel so bad about feeling so irritated that it was only us involved in the battle of good versus evil.

  “You’ve been going at this alone this whole time?” I asked.

  “I don’t have a choice.”

  I did feel bad for him, so I offered a pity smile. “I guess you’re glad to have found me, huh?”

  “No. I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone.” I didn’t know if I should let the demon’s irritation of him prevail. He was trying to be sweet in his own way, but he really did sound like a jerk. “Go home. Read a bible.”

  “Don’t have one.”

  “There’s an App for that. Download it. Read it online. Don’t be difficult.”

  I really didn’t want to change my whole entire life and I don’t think it was all the demon. Julian wasn’t the type of person I would be hanging around in normal circumstances. It was only unreasonable that I hated him to the point where I could barely tolerate him—not that I disliked him. However, I could suck it up. “I will try to do this right, but I’m not doing it for you. I wanna save myself!”

  “That’s fine. As long as we stop some demons along the way, I’m happy.” And that was that. He turned around and started walking toward the direction of his car.

  This will never work. All he cares about is destroying demons. He’ll betray you if he has to. Your life means nothing to him. Our partnership was most uneasy. What if I couldn’t bring myself to be the great hunter he needed me to be? Would he ditch me and let me fend for myself? Then what if I somehow lost my soul? Would he execute me without trying to find some way to make me normal again?

  He’s not interested in saving you. He has a vendetta. He’ll end up killing you, Michelle. It’s best to get him out of your hair now. I should have never trusted Julian. If I didn’t need him to help me take my body back, I wouldn’t have even been talking to him.

  You don’t need him. He doesn’t even know how to get rid of the demon. He still has his. You don’t even know if you can truly trust him. What was I hanging around Julian for? I didn’t want to be a warrior. I just wanted to have my body to myself! “You know, you really didn’t give me a lot of help.”

  “I gave you quite enough. Let’s see how many of my rules you can actually follow. If you can manage, the results will be evident.”

  “And what if I fail? Will you hunt me too?”

  He stopped walking and turned around, eyeing me suspiciously. “Let’s not think about things like that.”

  “But that’s what you want, right? You want me to kill every human who has been completely possessed?”

  “Demons living in shells are hardly human. Don’t even worry about that right now. You won’t be able to do any hunting until you can decipher yourself from the demon.” He turned his back on me and began walking toward his car again.

  He’s going to kill you, Michelle. It’s inevitable. The only way to save you is to kill him now. My eyes magically flew down to the left of me and I saw an abandoned tire iron conveniently placed for my use. It was terrible to think of killing Julian, but it made so much sense.

  But I wasn’t a killer. Why was it acceptable to kill Julian? I couldn’t do something like that! Sure you can. It’s as easy as picking up that tire iron.

  Before I knew it, it was in my hand. It was freezing and coated in mud. I kept breathing in and out slowly, heavy, but quietly. The more I looked at it, the more it made sense. I didn’t think about it, but it just started to feel right. I wasn’t angry at him anymore. It was just something that needed to be done.

  I gripped the tire iron and raised it up and began to slam it down toward his head as fast and hard as I could without making a sound. It amaz
ed me that he turned around so quickly and caught the tire iron in his hand. I was overcome with an incredible fury and I tried to pull it away so I could try to kill him again, but he pulled me closer until I was trapped inside of his eyes.

  “You had best think twice before you try killing me.” What kind of man was he? Where did he come from? How could a man so sure of himself commit suicide? He completely destroyed all of my will and focused me in on his own. I was stripped away from the demonic thoughts and left abandoned in the flame of his convicting eyes.

  “I’m sorry.” I let go of the tire iron and began wiping the mud on my pants. “I am so sorry! I can’t believe I just—”

  “Don’t worry about it.” He shrugged his shoulders and cast the tire iron away too far for me to reach unless we ran for it, but I had a feeling he would beat me to it. “I tried worse to hurt my teacher. I only know how to handle you, because I’ve been handled myself.”

  “This isn’t fine though!” My hands were shaking and I was near the point of tears. “I just tried to—”

  “Go home and rest.” Julian nicked me lightly on the chin with his fist. “It’ll work miracles for you, Hun.”

  Hun? I ignored his sexist statement as best as I could, because I knew for sure that it was the demon trying to ruin me. I didn’t want to let that happen. “I can call you if something goes wrong?”

  “Always.” He smirked before turning around and walking away toward his car. I didn’t understand how he could be so calm about everything, as if he already knew how everything was gonna turn out in the end.

  I wanted to know so badly myself, but I was going to try it his way until I could see some future with me that wasn’t fabricated by a demon or didn’t end with me being utterly alone for the rest of my life until I killed myself again.

  I had no choice but to trust Julian.

  Chapter Three

  I didn’t have any encounters with the demon that night, or at least I think I didn’t. It was really hard to tell at that point, but I felt like myself. Sure, I was a frightened, super paranoid version of myself, but at least I was myself.

  When my parents came home, I didn’t even think about telling them about the demon. I’m not sure if Julian was sure about having me committed. I think they’d be too embarrassed to go through with it. If they did, they would lie about where I was and then I would have to lie and I apparently wasn’t allowed to do that if I wanted my soul to refrain from becoming munchies for an uninvited demon. It was better with them not knowing.

  Things were pretty much the same. Dad came home late for dinner smelling like cheap perfume, which my mother ignored because the house was doused with scented candles to mask the masculine scent of her young boy toy.

  We all ate together mostly in silence. Eventually, Mom had to ruin that to look like she cared. “How was school today, Michelle?”

  I was hoping I could push around a plate of vegetables all night long until I was excused and avoid the truth altogether. “It was awful, but I’ll get over it.”

  I didn’t have any other option but to be as vague as possible, but Mom lived a pretty boring and cliché life for a rich wife, so all she had was her drama. “Does this have anything to do with why you need that bandage on your forehead?”

  “I don’t wanna talk about it.” I was stern as I could be while trying to be respectful. I didn’t want to be forced to lie to them.

  I usually did what they wanted, so Mom was shocked when I didn’t just blurt out what she expected. She looked stunned for a couple of seconds with her mouth hung low, but then she swallowed her pride and commanded me while still trying to sound like a friend. “We need to talk about this. If something is bothering you then—”

  “Maybe we should let her be,” Dad said. I knew I could depend on him to keep us distant and cowardly.

  “No!” From her angry reaction to Dad, I got the feeling that she was gonna turn it into a big thing just to engage him in an argument over something stupid while they avoided the blowout of the century. “We need to know what’s bothering her.”

  “Isn’t that why you two hired a therapist?” I didn’t mean to mock. Maybe I did mean to. I’m not sure, but I don’t think blaming my mild showcase of hostility on a demon would have been fair.

  “This isn’t like you!” I’m not sure why she couldn’t take it. Her young boyfriend must have thrown occasional temper tantrums with him being only a couple of years older than me. She must have had some experience with teenagers. “You don’t get smart, and you don’t snap at me like you did earlier. Let me help you.”

  I didn’t get what she was trying to do, but I wasn’t falling for it. The sympathetic eyes and the calming voice weren’t going to fool me. Ever. “Dad, can I be excused?”

  It was a showdown. Mom was trying to establish dominance with her eyes and force him to cooperate with her. She didn’t know Dad at all. He wouldn’t let her pretend like she owned the penis in their relationship when he used his quite frequently. “Of course.”

  I left the table quickly, but not before hearing the beginning of their whispered arguments that grew louder and louder. Mom was mad because she felt like he did undermine her authority. Dad used some excuse about how we needed to be gentle with me, but Mom was right. I was just an excuse, even if he probably meant what he said about me.

  Things must have been getting bad between them by how big the argument had become over lil’ ol’ me. They didn’t even notice that I had never shut my door and was quietly listening to them arguing from the top step. I wondered if I should go down there and air out all their secrets in their dirty closets and end their sick, sad, joke of a marriage. Maybe things would be better that way, but maybe they wouldn’t.

  Eventually, I went into my room and the bathroom door was open, and my reflection looked creepily at me. No, it didn’t look like the demon was watching me. I just remembered what it was like, and it made my skin crawl. I wanted to go closer to look into its eyes, but I couldn’t really stomach to do it. I didn’t need my room to start haunting me as well.

  Instead, I crawled into my bed and stared up at the ceiling while tears rolled down my face. I didn’t feel sad, yet I cried. Maybe it was because of my terrible parents. Maybe it was from finding out the truth about why my life had been so odd lately. Maybe it was because I knew I didn’t have any other options but to live knowing how hard it was gonna be. Regardless of whatever reason, they flowed like a stream until I calmly rested my eyes and fell asleep.

  The next morning, I got out of bed on my own. I didn’t care to see Mom, and I didn’t want her bugging me about anything. I pretended like nothing was different from before my death and took a long, warm shower in the morning. I hated the feeling of it on my skin, but I was going to fog up the mirror so I wouldn’t see myself. I had avoided my reflection without dwelling on why I was. I didn’t hit a snag in my plan until I had to do my hair.

  I had a vanity mirror in my bedroom that I kept covered for a while, but I did have that cut on my forehead that was still a nice shade of red until it turned into a scab and then scar. Since it wasn’t in an awesome shape like a lightning bolt or my initials, I wanted to cover it up. It would keep me from having to answer difficult questions that I couldn’t lie about. I uncovered the mirror so I could cut a pair of bangs big enough to cover it. I hadn’t rocked a look like that since I was a little girl, but I made it edgier and less preschool.

  I couldn’t help but anticipate the demon trying something to freak me out or a hostile takeover, but I can’t say anything weird happened. My reflection didn’t seem like it was out of place and my eyes didn’t look freaky. I was just me, like my first day was just a bad dream.

  It made me question if everything that happened at school was all imagined and if Julian was feeding into my fantasy because he was an entree of sick served with a side of twisted and crazy.

  I left home before Mom and Dad could crowd me at the front door about what happened last night or the past couple of mon
ths of my old life before I ended it and afterwards. I was done talking about it.

  Unfortunately, not everything awkward and traumatic can just go away. While I uneasily stood by my locker and questioned whether or not it was safe to open it up, Michael appeared from behind. He didn’t say anything at first. I tried not to look or speak to him, but I couldn’t think straight while his overbearing presence was sucking out all the sanity in the hallway. “What’s up?”

  “Do you need to get into your locker?” I was surprised how awkward he was. I thought he’d be frustrated or even insanely angry that I blew him off after coming onto him like a hooker working for Benjamins.

  “I can wait until these guys are done.” I wasn’t going to go stark raving mad and force my locker neighbors to run off. I didn’t need the entire school talking about how much of a freak I was.

  He smiled. “Have you ever tried this?” He walked up to my locker and smiled at the two females. “Excuse me.” And just like that, they moved over and quickly packed up their things and left politely. Michael shook his head at me, and his smile became a full-on chuckle.

  I was embarrassed, but the best thing to do in that sort of situation was laugh. “Okay, fine! I should have done that.”

  “Never crossed your mind?”

  “I guess I’m too timid for my own good.”

  “Timid?” he asked surprised. “I would have never guessed.”

  I laughed, but I couldn’t help but turn bright red when I thought about how I had royally damaged my image. He probably told the whole football team that I was a big slut. “I suppose I was a bit bolder than usual yesterday.”

  “I can’t say that I minded all that much. It was just the departure that confused me.”

  “About that…” I couldn’t tell him the truth. The truth was insane and maybe a tad bit insulting on his part. “I don’t really know what to say!”

  “Is it something I did or Julian—”

  “It wasn’t really either of you.” Maybe I should have been disgusted that Michael didn’t have any second thoughts about trying to have sex at school, but it was important to me that he thought well of me. “I’m not really that way. I swear I’m not. The boyfriend that I had was someone I was faithful to for many years, and I took things really slow with him.”