Almost Alive

by Christina Barr

  “Fair enough. I believe you; I just don’t get what yesterday was about then.”

  “I don’t know.” I leaned up against the lockers and shrugged my shoulders. “I guess I’m just wildly attracted to you. I honestly felt like I couldn’t help myself. Is that weird?”

  “Since I don’t wanna be accused of having low self-esteem, I’m gonna say ‘no’, but I’ve never done anything like yesterday myself.” I might have been a dope, but I started to feel really good about him. Maybe he was a victim of whatever I was exuding. Even if he weren’t, what guy gives up sex from an attractive girl?

  “I guess I just like you too much for my own good.”

  He smiled. “Really?” The way he looked at me wasn’t particularly special, but he was adorable with those dimples of his. I didn’t mean to be so easily charmed by him, but there was no resisting the power he had over me.

  “Why are you so surprised? You probably get all the girls to fall in love with you.”

  “Believe it or not, I’m not much of a bachelor.”

  Needless to say, I was surprised. “Then what was yesterday about?”

  He shrugged. “I guess I’m just wildly attracted to you.”

  I shouldn’t have been so surprised. I’m a good looking girl. Some of my friends thought I could do better than Jason. Of course, one of those same friends started dating him immediately after my breakup. “I hate to sound like I’ve got low self-esteem, but I kind of find that hard to believe. There are no other girls that have your attention?”

  “There are some who are also very attractive, but I sort of feel a connection between the two of us besides sexual chemistry. I hope I don’t sound like I’m feeding you lines or anything.”

  He distracted me. I zoomed in on his lips, and it took everything in me not to grab him by the back of the neck and pull him in. It was just a kiss. That’s all I was thinking of. There was nothing more to it than that. There was no demon in my mind. I just wanted a kiss!

  “Michelle?”

  “Sorry!” I tried shaking my head to snap out of it, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how good of a kisser he was. “I’ve just been going through a lot lately, and I thought I wasn’t ready for boys.”

  “And you changed your mind?”

  I smirked and began to lean into his luscious lips. “You tell me.”

  “Good morning!” Julian appeared out of nowhere, and it really gave me the creeps how he just came from the shadows. I was only a few inches away from Michael’s lips before he put his rough hands on my shoulders and proceeded to squeeze them hard. “What’s going on?”

  Michael groaned loudly. “Dude, do you mind?”

  “I’m just looking out for my buddy here.” He kept squeezing and I was totally thinking about punching him in his face! “She asked me to look after her. We’re friends. Isn’t that right, Michelle?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. We’re buddies.”

  Michael leaned in close to me, but he didn’t speak quietly. “I can deck this guy if you need me to.”

  “Oh, you can try!” Julian warned with a smile. He didn’t need to act so tough. I doubted he could take a punch from Michael.

  “I’m fine.” Michael started to take a step toward Julian, but I pressed against his firm and brilliantly sculpted chest and pushed him away. I might have really disliked Julian, but I didn’t want his death on my conscience. “I actually need to talk to this idiot right here. I’ll see you later.”

  “I’m sure you will.” Michael smirked, and I’m not sure if he made it incredibly sexy to make Julian jealous or irritated, but it sure had an effect on me. He walked away, and I could feel him pulling on me. I thought I was going to stumble after him and fall right into his arms.

  “And what was that?” Julian asked in my ear.

  I rolled my eyes before turning around so he could see me glare. “I happen to like him.”

  “I guess he has a great personality,” Julian mocked. “It has nothing to do with his dimples and muscles and whatever else you’re attracted to.”

  “He’s very nice!”

  “He is very nice to pretty girls, but I know that because I’ve known him for five years. You don’t know anything about him!”

  It was true that I didn’t know Michael that well, but some people have connections that can’t be explained. It wasn’t so farfetched that I found someone who could be my possible soul mate. We clicked right into place. “I know what you’re thinking, but I’m thinking clearly.”

  “No, you’re not. You don’t know how to think clearly. I have to teach you.” He was such a condescending douche! His arrogance disgusted me to no end.

  “I don’t even know if I can trust you. My instincts tell me to vomit all over you.”

  “Your instincts must be shot. What are you wearing?” Julian started tugging at my shirt and my instincts served me well, and I slapped his hand away.

  “What?” I gave myself a once over. I didn’t even put a lot of thought into my outfit. I grabbed what was clean and what was cute. I wore a V-neck, blue jean skirt and dressed it up with some cute accessories. I was pretty simple. “There’s nothing wrong with my outfit.”

  “Your skirt is too short. Your shirt is too low-cut. All of those boys are gonna be looking at those long legs and your breasts. You don’t think your demon influenced you to dress this way?”

  “No.” My skirt was fingertip length, which were the school requirements. I suppose I usually wore a shirt under a V-neck, but I didn’t have time to look for one in the morning. Besides, I had heard from somewhere that showing a little bit of cleavage was tasteful. I was fine! “Is your demon influencing you to look at my boobs and my legs?” I mocked.

  He laughed amused. “Oh, my demon is not polite.”

  “Then maybe you should take care of your problem and not worry about the rest of the boys.” I didn’t wanna talk to him anymore, so I started heading down the hall to get away from him, but he wouldn’t stop following me. I wondered what it would be like to have a stalker, and it was exactly as I imagined. I was flattered and wanted to call the police.

  “My demon doesn’t even bother me,” he boasted gleefully. “I have complete power over it.”

  “Well, Michael doesn’t have a demon at all!”

  “Not one attached to his soul, but he has one called ‘teenage hormones’.” He grabbed my arm, and I prepped my hand (probably for a good slap), but I started to calm myself as soon as he grabbed me and forced me to stop and look into his eyes. “Boys don’t need demons to be pigs. Besides, just because most people don’t kill themselves and come back from hell doesn’t mean that they’re not possessed or not influenced by a demon.”

  I realized that I was being mean to Julian when I shouldn’t have been, but I didn’t feel or hear the demon inside of me. I thought I was myself. It must have been reasonable that I was simply allergic to Julian, especially when he overreacted over nothing! “Maybe you should try lecturing the rest of the female population at this school because I’m quite tamed compared to some.”

  “Girls like you are why guys have lust problems. You have no idea what it is like to have this much testosterone surging through your body. You don’t make it easy for us.” I got that with his flirty eyes and everything. He was really good with knowing when to smirk and when to squint the right way, but I wasn’t falling for it.

  “Could you put a little effort into pretending you’re not attracted to me?”

  He straightened his posture from shock. “You’re a pretty girl. Why would I bother pretending I’m not attracted to you?”

  I blushed at first. I guess I knew that I was pretty, but it’s always nice to hear it. Then I just got mad at him all over again and punched him in the chest! “I knew you were perving after me.”

  I was hoping to hurt him, but he started laughing. “I’m curious what your real personality was prior to the demon. Were you always such a brat?”

  “No.” I glared and smiled and was sarcas
tic as possible. “I often spent my days feeding pigeons and giving to the poor.”

  Little did I know that Julian had his limits, and he suddenly had a straight and serious face. “You shouldn’t lie. You’ll pay for that.”

  “Why? I thought God created all things. That didn’t include sarcasm?”

  “A lie is a lie. A lie is a sin. Sin equals death. This demon might be difficult for you. I wouldn’t waste my soul on sarcasm.”

  “The demon isn’t my problem. I think it’s you.” I poked him in the chest as hard as I could. Sure he saved me from both pleasure and pain the day prior, but there had to be a more reasonable explanation as to why I despised him so! “How do I know if this thing is even real? You could be playing a game on me.”

  He shook his head and chuckled at me. “Your denial is cute, but I’d hate for it to get you killed. Try to stay away from Michael and any other guys you find extremely hot. I know it’s hard with me being your sponsor and all, but—”

  “Oh, ha ha!” Even if Julian were cute, I’d never date a guy that I had to imagine what he’d look like without makeup.

  Julian cleared his throat and looked around the hall to make sure we were alone. “All kidding aside, do your best to stay in solitude. The demon is influencing your emotions and your sex drive. It’s also making you hostile toward me so I won’t be able to help you.”

  “But you make me dislike you so good on your own!”

  He smiled, but I think he was a tiny bit sad, and I took that blip of a moment for deep satisfaction. “Come on. You’re already late for gym.”

  Julian started walking backward as he headed to whatever class a guy like him went to. I knew we were both inside of a building, but I was hoping he would have gotten hit by a bus or that he’d at least run into a locker so hard that he knocked himself out. I couldn’t deal with him stalking me all the time! “How do you know my first class is gym?”

  “I have my ways.”

  “Stop creeping on me!”

  I heard him laughing what seemed to be maniacally as we separated from each other in the hall. His voice continued to echo until it gave me the jitters. He was such an extremely weird guy, and I’m not sure of this, but I think he took some pleasure in making me feel uncomfortable.

  I was late for gym class, but not much. It was enough time for me to feel like I didn’t have enough time to change into my gym clothes, which I didn’t care about. I didn’t really want to play any sport, and since it was my first day of actually attending class, I figured I wouldn’t get marked down.

  There was one other girl in class who was sitting in the locker room on a bench not intending on changing. She was…Dark. She wore heavy eyeliner, her eyelashes were incredibly full and long, but her eyes were blue. Her hair was black with a couple of dark purple streaks. She was pale, but I think it was from makeup and not completely from getting a lack of sun. She wore a dress like something a baby doll would almost wear, except she wore it with fishnets and boots that looked like they could crush the skulls of any grown man. She also wore a lot of different accessories like skulls, crosses, and pentagrams. I understood that kids wanted freedom to express themselves, but I didn’t think her fashion statement was completely in the school rules.

  I felt compelled to stare at her. If anyone had to be threatening to my soul, I would have guessed her, but perhaps it was wrong of me to judge. I guess I felt something toward her like a familiarity, but it wasn’t anything negative. Julian looked like a total freak, but he hunted demons. Maybe the weird chick was also making a fashion statement and was completely innocent.

  Her eyes suddenly zoomed in on me and I turned around. I got the chills; but who wouldn’t have jumped and turned awkwardly? I tried not to stare at her, but I wanted to. I felt like she was always looking at me, but I didn’t wanna make things too awkward between us all.

  The gym teacher did as predicted and let me get out of gym class without any sort of docking from my grade. She also spared me the inconvenience of asking me why I didn’t show up to class the day prior. I was glad I didn’t have to run a couple of running tests with the girls. The only downside was that I was alone in the bleachers with the odd girl.

  I got the impression that she was the type of girl who often skipped out on gym class and wouldn’t mind not speaking to anyone. She had a black notebook that she kept writing in, so she knew how to keep herself busy, yet she would look up at me pretending not to stare every so often. Eventually, she started scooting down the bench and then came down two rows to sit right next to me. “So, I saw you talking to Julian. Are you two a thing or whatever?”

  “No. Absolutely not!” I had to catch myself after reacting so disgusted. I tried to laugh it off. “He’s not really my type.”

  She shrugged. “You’re not really his type either.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I’m not sure why I was so offended. He said I was pretty and it was obvious he was attracted. It was obvious that he liked to flirt a bit.

  “I mean exactly what I said. I’ve never seen him with a blonde and bubbly type before, but I can’t say that I’ve seen him with anyone for a while. Maybe things have changed.”

  “I’m not really bubbly.” I felt a tiny bit defensive. I knew I didn’t like Julian. I was barely tolerating him, but I didn’t want to be picked on by a jealous ex or jealous friend who wanted to be his girlfriend or whatever she was.

  “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you.”

  “No. You’re fine.” It was dumb to care, because I didn’t care anything about Julian.

  I was curious about the girl though and I peeked over to see what she was writing in her notebook, which was a bunch of notes of stuff I didn’t understand. “What do you have going on there, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “I’m studying Latin.” She handed the book to me. I didn’t think I would be interested in learning Latin, but it seemed intriguing. The strange girl was suddenly becoming cooler by the second. I felt like I could trust her and almost as if I had known her for a long while. Maybe I could have a friend.

  “It must be hard studying a dead language. You don’t have anyone to really talk to.”

  “Well,” she smiled, “not everything stays dead.”

  I did my best not to make a reaction, but I certainly felt like she was poking holes in my story that I didn’t come up with yet. Why would she say that and why that specific way? It was like she knew. “I guess not.”

  “Take Julian for example.”

  My eyes bucked. “You know about his suicide?”

  “Of course. Unfortunately, everybody in the school who bothers to know he exists knows.” I didn’t think it was publically blasted. If I were him, I would have gone to a different school. Well, I did go to a different school. How did Julian live with that burden and why? “But I’ve actually talked about it with him.”

  “I didn’t peg him for someone being so open about this.” I was surprised about that. I knew he didn’t owe me any favors, but I wished I knew the circumstances of his death. It would help me understand him more; maybe it would even help me. I didn’t think he’d want to be that open with me. I didn’t have the right to think this way, but I was almost a little offended that other people knew about his reasons and I didn’t.

  “It’s hard for him to talk about. We just have a special connection.” She was really trying to rub it in my face and I didn’t care and it bothered me both at the same time. “He actually taught me some Latin and got me into it.”

  “Does he know how to speak it?”

  “Fluently. He’s very intelligent.” And she was trying to make me interested so I could be more jealous of their relationship? I so did not want him! “Unfortunately, we don’t hang out as much as we used to.”

  Ah ha! It was a case of jealous female. “Are you his old flame or—?”

  “Oh no!” She laughed, but she was disgusted as well. “I’m his younger sister, Maria.”

  “Oh.” I was caught completel
y off guard. “He didn’t mention he had a sister.”

  “He’s embarrassed by me.” She shrugged her shoulders like she didn’t care, but it completely broke my heart. “It sucks, because we used to be thick as thieves.”

  So she wasn’t a completely jealous female. She was just a concerned and protective littler sister trying to feel me out. Maybe she liked me and wanted me to become impressed with Julian and actually start to like him. That wasn’t going to happen, so my heart went out to her. “What happened between you two?”

  “He hasn’t been the same since his suicide. He’s completely different. He doesn’t laugh as much, he dropped all his friends, and he completely avoids family as much as possible. He makes me feel like a stranger.”

  That poor girl! She made me feel bad about leaving my parents completely in the dark. I never really talked about my feelings with them before, but they knew something was really wrong with me and I did my best to make them feel like powerless jerks. That wasn’t right of me.

  “I must say, I find it odd that he’s even talking to you.”

  If I didn’t know Julian, I would have been terribly offended. “We’re just friends.”

  “Julian doesn’t feel like he can afford friends. He’s been extremely paranoid ever since his revival.”

  “‘Friends’ might be too strong of a word.” Especially since I hated him. “He’s just helping me out a bit.”

  “What do you need help with?”

  I couldn’t lie. I couldn’t tell her the truth. I didn’t even know if Julian had said anything to her. Even if he did tell his sister about his demon, that didn’t mean that I wanted her to know about mine. “What’s with all the questions?”

  “I know I’m only the little sister, but I wanna look out for him. He’s not the same kind and fun guy who used to love life and the people around him. Sure he’s had his Emo clique, but he and his friends aren’t what you think. They’re just like everybody else. They just like to wear a lot back clothes and eyeliner. They played laser tag and ate pizza just like normal kids. Now he won’t even talk to them.” It did concern me. I was afraid that Julian was overreacting and I didn’t want to end up just as alone as he was.