Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

  Jen came to the rescue. “All right, give me the list.” She grabbed it from a grateful Billie. “Let’s see. Okay, we’ve decided to eat together, right? So all we have to do is plan a menu for two weeks, then put together a shopping list.” The others nodded in agreement. “Okay, give me some suggestions.”

  “Pizza,” said Fred.

  “Pizza? How are we going to cook pizza around a campfire, Fred? We need an oven for that,” Cat pointed out.

  “Okay, how about tuna noodle casserole?” he suggested.

  Jen rapped Fred’s head with her knuckles. “Hello? Is there anyone in there? Fred, no more ideas that require an oven, okay?”

  Fred shrugged. “What do you want from me? I’m a guy.”

  Cat looked at Billie. “Any requests?”

  Billie looked thoughtfully at Cat for a moment then said, “I don't know. French fries, maybe. The kids like those.”

  Cat covered her face with both hands and shook her head. Finally, she said, “Billie, Fred, why don’t the two of you go figure out how we’re going to fit all the gear into the cars. Jen and I will work out the menu and food list, okay? Oh, and make sure there’s room to take the kids along too.”

  Billie and Fred got up from the table and gave each other a high five before heading out to allot the space in the cars.

  Jen looked at Cat with raised eyebrows. “Somehow, I think that was planned.”

  Two hours later, they had a comprehensive menu and food list.

  “You know, it does look like a lot of food,” Cat observed.

  “Yeah, and that doesn’t include the perishable stuff we’ll pick up once we get there,” Jen added.

  “Oh well, at least we won’t go hungry.” Cat folded the list and pocketed it for that afternoon’s grocery shopping. “Let’s go see how the packing is coming along.” She stood and led Jen toward the back door. When Cat stopped short, Jen plowed right into the back of her.

  Jen peeled herself off Cat’s backside. “Whoa, girl. If you wanted me to get that intimate, all you had to do was ask.” When Cat didn't respond, Jen turned to see what her friend was staring at. “Holy shit!”

  In the driveway were a station wagon and a van, each piled so full of camping gear, daylight couldn’t be seen from one side of the vehicle to the other. Bicycle racks full of children’s bikes were mounted on the back of each. The van was sporting a large car-top carrier that looked like a giant hamburger container, and Billie and Cat’s car had two tandem kayaks on top.

  Cat pointed to the container on top of the van. “Tell me that isn’t full too.”

  Billie smiled. “Nope, that’s where the food’s going.”

  “We couldn’t possibly fill that big thing with food.”

  “A week’s worth of massages says you do,” Billie challenged.

  “You’re on.”

  “Hey, what about me?” Fred asked.

  Billie and Cat both looked at Jen. She looked at them and frowned. “Oh, all right, you’re on. A week’s worth of massages for you, too, Fred, but Cat and I get to do the shopping.”

  “Fair enough,” Billie said as she winked at Fred.

  Three hours later, Billie and Fred worked together to force the car-top carrier closed. There was just barely enough room in the storage unit for the food and cooking supplies.

  Billie latched the cover, dusted off her hands, and walked over to Cat. “I’ll take my first massage tonight, sweetheart.”

  Chapter 8: The Midnight Ride of Billie Revere

  To make the eight-hour ride easier on the kids, the adults decided to leave at midnight on the night prior to their reservations. Fred and Jen drove their fully loaded, hamburger box-topped van to Cat and Billie’s to begin the trip. As soon as the van came to a stop, Stevie and Karissa hopped out and greeted their friends. The kids were excited about being allowed to stay up until midnight and vowed among them to stay awake all night.

  “Okay, you guys, get into the cars. It’s almost time to leave.” Cat unfolded her list. “Now let’s see if we have everything. Clothes¯check. Food¯check. Kayaks¯check. Fireworks¯check. Bicycles¯check. GPS… Billie, did you program the GPS with the campground’s address?”

  “Yes, Sarge. It’s all set,” Billie replied dryly, rolling her eyes.

  Fred and Jen sported identical amused looks as they watched the interaction between their friends.

  “Did you program the sexy voice into it?” Cat asked.

  “Sexy voice?” Jen inquired.

  Cat grinned. “Oh yeah! Her name is Maeve, and she’s Irish. Our GPS lets you choose the voice you want to give you verbal direction. We chose Maeve. Her voice is very sexy.”

  “How come ours doesn’t have a sexy voice?” Fred asked.

  Jen shook her head. “What? My voice isn’t sexy enough for you?”

  “Of course it is, but I’d rather have her tell me where to go. You already do that all the time.”

  Jen sighed. “Well, that’s true enough.” Fred looked pained.

  “We probably should program ours to the same route, in case we get separated for some reason.”

  “That’s a good idea,” Cat agreed.

  Fred and Billie huddled together, comparing routes and making modifications. It took a bit of effort and some cursing from Billie to ensure both GPSs had the same route. Billie walked Fred back to their car.

  “Eww! That’s gross!” she said when he licked the mounting suction cup before sticking the GPS to the windshield.

  “If I don’t do that, it falls off,” he replied.

  Cat refolded her list. “Okay. It looks like we have everything. Pile in and let’s hit the road.”

  * * *

  Despite determined efforts to stay awake all night, by 12:30 a.m. the Charland kids were out cold, lulled by the motion of the car and the steady hum of tires on the asphalt. One by one, they dozed and leaned against each other and the pillows they brought with them. As the last one drifted off, Cat turned to Billie. “It worked,” she whispered and was rewarded with a smile from her wife.

  “What time is check-in tomorrow, Cat?”

  “11 a.m. I figure we’ll get there around 9:30, just in time to stop for breakfast, and then we’ll find the campground.”

  “We’re going to be pretty tired, you know.”

  Cat smiled at Billie. “You’re probably right, but it’ll be so worth it to not have to hear ‘are we there yet?’ every few minutes.”

  “Amen to that.”

  “Don’t forget to stop at the next rest area we come to. We can use the facilities and get coffee to help us stay awake.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Cat rubbed Billie’s thigh. “Thanks for agreeing to this trip, Billie. I do think it will help with your anxiety. I mean, what can go wrong?”

  “I hope you’re right. I’m kind of looking forward to getting some fishing in. Our lives are so busy, we rarely have time to just enjoy the simple things in life. I know I haven’t been easy to live with over the past several months.”

  “Well, I’ll do my best to minimize the stress for you. I want you to just kick back and enjoy yourself.”

  “This vacation is for both of us. The past year has been just as stressful for you as it has for me. In a different way, maybe, but it hasn’t been easy for you either.”

  “Just promise me you’ll relax. Doctor Connor is right. If we don’t get the anxiety under control it could lead to other medical issues, and I am not ready to lose you. I love you, even when you’re being a royal pain in the ‘you know what.’”

  “I promise. Oh, and ditto on the love thing.”

  “You’re such a romantic. I can hardly stand it.”

  Three hours into the trip, Fred drove his car into a rest area, followed closely by Billie. The four adults exited the vehicles and stretched. They went into the station in pairs to purchase coffee and snacks, the two who stayed behind standing guard over their sleeping cargo. Finally they were once again on their way, with Billie pulling out behin
d Fred.

  Not five miles later, Billie felt a sudden tug at the steering wheel and had to fight to maintain control of the car as she guided it to the breakdown lane on the highway.

  “What the hell?” Billie turned off the ignition and got out of the car. It was pitch black. There were no streetlights or oncoming traffic to light the way. Billie walked around the car, but it was too dark to see anything. She knocked on Cat’s window and when it was opened, she ducked down and poked her head through. “Cat, I think there’s a flashlight in the glove box. Could you hand it to me, please?”

  Cat rummaged around until she found the flashlight. “Here you go. Want some help?”

  “Not yet. I need to see what we’re dealing with first.” Billie walked around the car to see what could have caused the problem. She found that the right front tire had a flat. “Damn.”

  Cat leaned her head out the window. “What is it?”

  “Flat tire. We’re not going anywhere until I change the damn thing.”

  Cat was immediately out of the car to lend a hand, following Billie around to the back of the car. Billie reached for the hatch release and suddenly remembered that the back of the car was jam-packed with camping gear. “Shit! Shit! Shit!” Billie stormed, stamping her feet and clenching her fists with each expletive.

  Cat followed Billie’s gaze into the back of the car and instantly realized what they would have to do to get to the spare tire, which was located under the rear cargo panel... and under sleeping bags, clothes, pillows, toys, cooking pots, tents, and on, and on.

  “Oh groan,” Cat said as she placed her forehead on the back window of the hatch.

  “Back up, Cat. I need to open the tailgate.” Billie’s frustration got the best of her as she haphazardly pulled gear out of the back of the car and threw it everywhere.

  Cat held the flashlight for her and cringed as each piece of gear hit the ground. “Billie, calm down. This isn’t good for your blood pressure.”

  “Fuck my blood pressure. Goddamned camping trip. I knew it was a bad idea, but noooo… gotta go camping. I can’t believe this is happening. You’d think the tire would be easier to get to. This is going to be one huge mess to repack. Goddamnit!” Finally, she retrieved the spare tire and jack from below the trunk panel and carried them to the front of the car.

  Cat held the flashlight so Billie could see while she changed the tire. Several cars passed, but no one stopped to offer help. Cat could only imagine how they looked – two women broken down by the side of the road, in the dead of the night, with what appeared to be boxes and bags and general debris scattered all over the ground behind their car.

  * * *

  Fred and Jen were far enough ahead that they didn’t notice Billie’s headlights were no longer in their rear-view mirror until several miles later.

  “Uh-oh.”

  “What’s wrong?” Jen asked.

  “We’ve lost them.”

  “What do you mean?” Jen turned to look out the back window.

  “I don’t see their headlights.”

  “That’s not good. Look, there’s a sign for a rest area, one mile ahead. Let’s pull in and call them.”

  “Yeah, you're right.” Fred pulled into a parking space in the rest area and dialed Billie’s number.

  * * *

  “Goddamn, son of a…” Billie cursed. Her phone began to ring just as she applied torque to the first lug nut. The sudden sound startled her, and the wrench slipped off the nut when she jerked up.

  She lost her balance and fell forward into the car, hitting her head on the quarter-panel and scraping her knuckles on the rough pavement. “Damn it! Cat, could you please answer my phone?”

  Cat felt around inside Billie’s pocket and found her phone. She looked at the name that was backlit on the flip cover. “It’s Fred. Hello?”

  “Hey. We’ve stopped at the next rest area. Where are you guys?”

  “Damned if I know. We have a flat tire and had to pull over to the side. Billie is changing it right now.”

  “Do you want me to come help?”

  Cat held the phone against her breast to muffle the sound of oncoming traffic. “Do you need Fred to come help?”

  Billie applied additional torque to the last nut just as it broke its grip on the lug. The sudden release caused Billie to lurch forward and hit her face on the side of the car again. “Goddamnit!” she yelled.

  Cat stifled her gasp. “Billie, are you all right?”

  “I’m fine,” Billie replied gruffly as she regained her composure.

  “Do you need Fred’s help?” Cat asked again.

  Billie flashed an angry look in Cat’s direction. “I don’t need any goddamned help. I can change a fricking tire by myself, for Christ’s sake.”

  “Okay.” Into the phone, Cat said, “Billie said she really appreciates the offer, but she’s almost finished changing it.”

  “Okay then. Will you be much longer?” he asked.

  Cat watched as Billie kicked the hubcap across the road after she was unable to put it back on the car. “Uh… we should be there soon. Bye.”

  Cat stood on the side of the road and peered into the darkness, trying to see where the hubcap had landed while Billie threw the jack and lug-wrench into the compartment under the trunk panel. Finally, she gave up and returned to the rear of the car where Billie was in the process of reloading the camping gear. She handed Billie’s phone back to her, which she set on the back bumper. The last thing Billie shoved into the car, on top of all the camping gear, was the flat tire. Moments later, they pulled back onto the highway.

  Cat rode silently beside Billie, peering out the side window into the darkness.

  “What?” Billie said.

  Cat refused to look at Billie. “I didn’t say anything.”

  “My point exactly. You haven’t said anything since we got back on the road. What’s wrong?”

  “What’s wrong? You’re what’s wrong.”

  “What the hell does that mean?” Billie asked.

  “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”

  “Like hell I will. Out with it.”

  “You really want to know?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. Sometimes you’re a real pain in the ass, Billie, you know? I mean, we had a flat tire. Big deal. Why did you get so angry about it? You act like the world is conspiring against you or something.”

  “Sometimes it feels that way.”

  “Since when, Billie? Sometimes I wonder who you are, where the old Billie went. You never used to have such a hair-trigger temper before¯”

  “Before the shooting? Is that what you were going to say?” Cat looked into the darkness and refused to answer. “You can’t spend the next two weeks not talking to me, Cat.”

  “I just want the old Billie back.”

  * * *

  After what seemed like an eternity, Fred and Jen saw the station wagon limp in to the rest area on the undersized spare tire. A very angry Billie and obviously distraught Cat sat rigidly in the front seat. When the two women exited the car, Cat excused herself and rushed into the building to get coffee for her and Billie. Billie leaned back against the car, her arms folded across her chest. Fred looked at the doughnut tire, then at the mess in the cargo hold of the wagon. He opened his mouth.

  “Don't even go there,” Billie barked.

  Chapter 9: Directionally Challenged

  In the wee hours of the morning, Cat took over as driver while Billie tried to catch a few minutes of sleep. “Okay, Maeve, dear, lead the way.”

  “In two miles, exit right, then take the motorway,” the GPS instructed.

  “Maeve, you really do have a sexy voice. I’m tempted to ignore your instructions just to hear you say, ‘turn ’round when possible.’” Two miles later, Cat merged onto the highway.

  “Drive forty miles, then exit right.”

  Cat grinned. “You know, Maeve, it’s not every woman I let boss me around. Even Billie can’t get away with it,
but whisper sweet nothings to me in that sexy voice of yours, and I’ll follow you anywhere.”

  As Cat neared the forty mile distance, she approached a slow moving semi-truck. Believing she could pass the truck and pull back into her lane before her exit came up, she switched on her directional and made her move. Fred and Jen pulled out right behind her.

  “In two miles, take the exit right.”

  “Yes, Maeve, that’s what I intend to do, just as soon as I leave grandpa here in my dust.” Cat glanced into her rearview mirror. “Come on, Fred. Keep up with me. This might be close.” Cat pressed down on the accelerator and gained on the semi-truck.

  “In one mile, take the exit right.”

  “Shit! Come on, girl,” Cat said to the car as she pressed harder on the accelerator. Just as she turned on her directional to pull back into the right lane, the semi accelerated.

  “No!” Cat rasped.

  “In two hundred yards, take the exit right.”

  “I can’t! Can’t you see that? Jeez, Maeve, give me a break,” Cat complained as the truck refused to yield ground. “Shit! Damn it!” Cat sputtered as she flew by her exit. “Now what am I going to do?”

  “Recalculating,” the GPS unit replied.

  “Recalculating, my ass. I’m getting off at this exit coming up. There’s got to be a way to turn around.” Cat took the next exit and turned right. Fred and Jen followed.

  “Turn ’round when possible,” Maeve instructed.

  Cat looked at the gas gauge and realized she was nearly empty. “Great, just great. There’s no way I’m getting back on the highway until I find gas.”

  “Turn ’round when possible.”

  “Shut up, Maeve. I know what I’m doing.”

  “Recalculating.”

  “I said, shut up,” Cat said loudly.

  Billie stirred in the seat beside her. “Who are you talking to?”

  “The GPS. I missed my exit,” Cat replied. “Maeve wants me to get back onto the highway, but we’re almost out of gas.”