Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

  “Drive three miles, then turn right.”

  Billie sat up and looked around. “It looks like we’re in the middle of Ass End, Egypt. Any idea where we are?”

  “Beats the hell out of me. I think Maeve has been hitting the Irish whiskey or something. We appear to be lost.”

  “We can’t be lost. Maeve is a GPS. Let’s just follow her instructions and see what happens.”

  “See what happens? We might end up walking down a dark country road carrying a gas can if we don’t find a station soon,” Cat gritted out as she drove the required three miles. Fred and Jen followed dutifully, like mice behind the Pied Piper.

  “Turn right.”

  ‘What the hell? It’s a cornfield. I’m not turning into a goddamned cornfield. What have you been smoking, Maeve?”

  “Turn right.”

  “No, you drunken Irish crack-whore.”

  “Shh… you’re going to wake the kids,” Billie chided. “Pull over.”

  Cat pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the ignition. Billie removed the GPS unit from its cradle and began searching the points of interest to find a gas station. A knock on the window startled both women.

  “Ahh! You scared the shit out of me, Fred,” Cat exclaimed as she rolled down her window.

  “Sorry. Did we miss our exit? I tried calling Billie’s phone, but it went to voicemail. Where the hell are we?”

  “My phone went to voicemail?” Billie searched through the pockets of her jacket.

  Cat ran her hand through her hair and released a sigh of frustration. “That’s the problem, Fred, we don’t know where we are and we’re almost out of gas.”

  “What ever happened to Deep Throat? Did she lead you astray?” Fred teased.

  “Where’s my phone?”

  “Forget your phone, Billie. We’ll find it later. I gave it to you after you changed the tire. It’s probably in that mess in the back of the car. Right now we need to find a gas station.”

  “No you didn’t. I love my phone. And besides, we would have heard it ring.”

  Cat threw her hands into the air. “Yes, I did. Enough with the phone already. Gas?”

  Billie returned her attention to the GPS. “It says here the closest gas station is 50.532 miles east.”

  “50.532 miles? She knows it’s exactly 50.532 miles, and yet she wants me to turn right into a goddamned cornfield? She’s on crack. Yep, definitely a crack whore,” Cat said. “We’ll never make it on what’s left in our tank. How much gas do you have, Fred?”

  Jen suddenly appeared by Fred’s side. “Do you mean in the car or in bed at night? If it’s the latter, you do not want to go there.”

  Fred glared at his wife. “Very funny. I’ve got between quarter and half a tank,” he said to Cat.

  “Are you out of gas?” Jen asked.

  “Nearly, and I can’t find my phone,” Billie replied forlornly.

  “No wonder you didn’t answer when we called.”

  * * *

  Fred rolled down his window and spat into the darkness.

  “Fred, stop that. It’s gross,” Jen complained.

  “You try having a mouthful of gasoline. It’s not fun, you know. It’s a good thing I don’t smoke.”

  “Well, that would give a new meaning to the term ‘hot lips.’”

  Chapter 10: Flirting with Disaster

  Thirty miles after filling up at a gas station, dawn began to grace the morning sky.

  “Billie, look, the sky is beautiful. The sun is just cresting over the horizon.”

  Billie returned her seat to its upright position. “Wow. Look at the yellow streaks radiating from it. This is one of the nicest sunrises I’ve seen in a while.”

  Cat smiled at Billie. “This is nice, sharing the sunrise with you.”

  “This could be an everyday event if you’d only get your butt out of bed earlier, my love.”

  Cat stuck her tongue out at Billie.

  “Tease.”

  “Go back to sleep. We have a few more hours before we get there.”

  “Have you made up with Maeve yet?” Billie asked. “I’d hate to have her lead you astray again while I’m asleep.”

  “Yes. I made her promise to lay off the whiskey until the campfire tonight.” Cat drove on for several more minutes in silence.

  “Thanks for talking to me again,” Billie said. “I know I’ve been difficult to live with lately. I’m sorry.”

  Cat glanced at Billie and smiled. “Me, too. Now go back to sleep.”

  * * *

  “Mama, I'm hungry,” Tara said.

  Skylar announced, “I gotta go potty, Mama.”

  “Will you two shut up so I can sleep?” Seth mumbled.

  Cat reached over and nudged Billie. “Wake up, love.” She glanced into the rearview mirror. “Can you guys wait for a bit longer? We’re almost into town.”

  Both girls pouted, and Seth burrowed further into his pillow.

  Cat looked at her watch and noticed that it was almost 10 a.m. “Damn,” she said. “Half the morning is gone already.”

  “Mama, I gotta go potty,” Skylar urgently reminded her mother.

  Billie rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “Give me the GPS, Cat. I’ll look for a service station.”

  Cat handed the electronic unit to Billie and grinned. “Unless Maeve’s been sneaking sips on the sly, she should be sober enough to help us this morning.”

  “Well, after we found the gas station last night, she did a pretty good job getting us back on track.”

  Billie searched the points of interest and located a service station that would also fix their flat tire while they ate breakfast.

  After receiving assurances that the tire would be ready in an hour, they set out to find a diner.

  The group found a restaurant not too far from the service station that served a buffet brunch. The four adults and five children sat around the rectangular table and enjoyed a smorgasbord of breakfast and lunch foods.

  Their waiter was a young, college-aged man, tall, and very good looking, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. Billie couldn’t help noticing that he began to flirt with Cat as soon as they were seated. He smiled at her, flashing deep dimples and straight, white teeth. Cat smiled back, but Billie was sure she was totally unaware of the flirtation.

  “Good morning,” the waiter said to Cat. “What can I get for you this morning, pretty lady?”

  Billie looked at Jen and raised an eyebrow. Jen placed a restraining hand on Billie’s arm.

  “You can get us some coffee, and juice for the kids,” Billie replied for Cat.

  “Right away,” he said.

  The waiter returned and poured coffee for the adults. “I assume you’re having the buffet?” he asked.

  “Yes,” Cat replied.

  The waiter held Cat’s chair as she rose. “Help yourselves, and enjoy your meal. Oh, my name is Travis. Don’t hesitate to flag me down if you need anything. Okay?”

  “Thank you, Travis,” Cat replied.

  Billie followed Cat to the buffet table with Jen close behind. Jen flashed a warning glance at Billie. “You know he’s just trying to be nice,” Jen whispered.

  “What he’s trying to do is get a nice fat tip.”

  The group returned to their table with full plates and hungrily refueled after their long journey through the night. Billie nudged Jen’s leg with her toe each time Travis passed the table and smiled at Cat.

  Jen intentionally dropped her napkin on the floor between her and Billie. As she bent over to pick it up, she noticed that Billie didn't follow her down like she was supposed to, so she reached up and grabbed her arm and jerked her head down below the table level with her.

  “If you keep that up, Cat’s going to catch you. Jealousy doesn’t become you,” Jen said.

  “I’m not jealous. Amused is more like it. I can’t figure out why he doesn’t see she’s gay.”

  “You’re the one who beeps, Big Guy. Cat—no so much.”


  “Beep?”

  Yeah. You know, you send out gay vibes.”

  “Since when did you develop gaydar, Blondie?”

  “What are you guys doing with your heads under the table?” Cat asked.

  Billie began to rise and banged her head on the underside of the table. Everything on the table top rattled. “Ouch!” Billie rubbed her head as Jen suppressed a laugh.

  “Billie, are you all right?” Cat asked as she rescued her coffee. “I’ll ask again what are you doing with your head under the table?”

  “I’m fine. Jen dropped her napkin, and I was picking it up for her.” She shot a dirty look at Jen.

  Cat looked back and forth between her wife and friend. “What are you two up to?”

  Halfway through their meal, Travis returned to the table carrying a coffee pot. He placed his hand on Cat’s shoulder. “How are things, folks. Is there anything I can get you? More coffee?”

  Cat raised her cup to Travis. “Yes, please. How about you, love?” she said to Billie.

  “I’d love more coffee, sweetheart,” Billie replied. She slid her cup across the table toward Travis and locked gazes with him. Billie smiled to herself as she watched the realization dawn on the young man’s face.

  Travis was so flustered with the situation, that he overfilled Cat’s coffee cup and poured coffee all over the table.

  “Hey, hey, it’s full!” Seth yelled.

  “Oh my God. Uh... uh, sorry about that,” Travis said, red faced. He grabbed a cloth and began to mop up the mess as Billie and Jen grinned at each other.

  Cat squeezed Billie’s leg under the table and waited patiently while Travis finished cleaning the spill and returned to the kitchen.

  She turned to Billie and Jen. “What’s the grin for?”

  “He was flirting with you.”

  “So what if he was?”

  “You knew he was flirting?”

  “So what if I did?”

  “I remember a certain redheaded spitfire stepping in between me and a certain female detective not too long ago. I had to hold you back to prevent you from scratching her eyes out,” Billie reminded her. “And you said I have a temper!”

  Cat had the good grace to blush while Jen and Fred looked at each other with raised eyebrows. “That was different,” Cat said.

  “Female detective?” Jen said. “Tell me more.”

  “How was it different? Flirting is flirting,” Billie reasoned.

  “Okay, all right. We’re even.” Cat put her napkin on the table.

  “Good.” Billie looked around the table. “Bellies full?” She and Fred went to pay the bill while Jen and Cat organized the kids.

  Cat met Billie at the register while Fred went to help Jen settle the kids, all of whom had run out of the restaurant ahead of the adults. Billie noticed their waiter preparing to seat another couple. She cast a mischievous look at the young man, winked, and led Cat out of the restaurant.

  Chapter 11: She Has Many Skills

  After a quick stop at the service station for their repaired tire, the troupe set off to find the Happy Trails Campground. Delayed by the flat tire and the joyride they nearly took into the cornfield the night before, they arrived about an hour and a half later than planned, so it was early afternoon when they pulled their vehicles into adjacent campsites. On one site, they planned to pitch the tents and set up a cooking and dining area. The other site was reserved for the cars, a fire ring, and a play area for the kids.

  Billie pulled into the parking spot and turned off the ignition, followed closely by Fred in the space beside her. “We’re here, finally,” she declared as the back doors flew open and the kids spilled out of the cars. “Cat, let’s survey the sites before we unpack, so we can decide how to lay things out.”

  “Okay.” Cat followed the kids out of the car. “Don’t venture far,” she called out as the kids began to explore. “And hold Sky’s hand. We don’t need her getting lost.”

  Fred and Jen strolled over to their car. “Now, for the fun part¯unpacking,” Jen said.

  “Let’s take a look around first and decide where to set things up,” Billie suggested. Fred readily agreed, and they began to plan the layout.

  Cat draped her arm around Jen’s neck. “What do you say you and I start unpacking the hamburger box? We’ll put Billie and Fred in charge of setting up the tents.”

  Smiling, Jen snaked her arm around her friend’s waist. “Good plan. We really can’t unpack clothes and such until the tents are set up anyway.”

  Cat and Jen made several trips between the two campsites as they carried armloads of groceries and cookware to the area that would eventually become their dining room. They had unloaded most of the food related items by the time Billie and Fred completed their survey and agreed on a layout.

  Billie approached Cat and Jen’s work area and grinned at the growing mound on top of the picnic table. “It figures you’d work on the food first,” she teased.

  Cat pretended to be insulted. “Hey, I resent that remark,” she replied as she swatted Billie’s butt.

  Billie captured Cat in her arms and nuzzled her neck. “Hmmm, I like spankings,” she murmured.

  Cat tried to wriggle out of Billie’s embrace as the nuzzling tickled her neck. “Stop that. We have work to do, and you can start by setting up the screen tent so we can keep the bugs away from this food.”

  Billie stepped back and saluted. “Yes, Ma’am.” She turned to Fred. “We have our marching orders. Do you remember which car we packed the screen tent in?”

  A half hour later, the campsite was littered with tents, bikes, sleeping bags, toys, and clothing as Billie and Fred looked for the screen tent. Finally, when the cargo of both cars was nearly emptied onto the ground, Fred emerged from the back of his van carrying the sought-after item. “Here it is. Of course it was at the very bottom of the pile.”

  “Finally,” Jen said. “If you would, please set it up near the picnic table so we don’t have to move all this food again.”

  Billie and Fred laid out the poles, arranged them by size on the ground beside the table, then proceeded to unroll the tent.

  “Okay, Fred, I think if we move the table and then stake the four corners down, we might be able to set up the frame around it.”

  “Sounds like a plan to me.”

  For the next ten minutes, they worked together to pull the corners of the screen tent tight and drive stakes into the ground to secure them, while Cat and Jen stood and watched. “Step one complete,” Billie bragged. “Piece of cake. Now for the poles.”

  Cat crossed her arms and watched Billie and Fred attempt to assemble the poles. She nudged Jen. “Five bucks says they can’t figure it out,” she whispered.

  “No way am I taking that bet,” Jen replied. “I’m no fool.”

  “Uh, Billie, I think the bent poles have to fit together so the tent peaks,” Fred suggested.

  Billie picked up two bent poles and fitted them together. Once assembled, they formed a square rather than a peak. “Try again, Einstein,” she replied.

  “Billie, would you like the instructions?” Cat offered.

  “This isn’t rocket science, Cat. I think we’re capable of putting a tent together.”

  “Suit yourself.” Cat dropped the instructions on the table. “How about a cup of coffee, Jen. I think we’re going to be waiting a while.”

  “Works for me.”

  “Billie, Fred, we’re going to make a quick run to the office for coffee. Can we bring any back for you?” Cat asked.

  “No need. As soon as we’re finished setting up the tent site, I plan to break open a cold one,” Billie said.

  “I think you’ll run out of daylight before that happens,” Cat mumbled under her breath.

  “What was that, Cat?” Billie asked.

  “I said it’s great that we have daylight to set up in.”

  “No kidding. Go get your coffee. Fred and I should have this just about finished by the time you return.”
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br />   “Last pole. There, we did it. The frame is together,” Billie said.

  Billie and Fred stood back and admired their handiwork. “Now all we have to do is slide the completed frame into the opening and we’ll be done,” Fred said.

  Billy preened. “Like I said, piece of cake.” She reached for the folded portion of the tent that lay in accordion folds on top of the tent base. “Get the other side Fred.”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  Together they lifted the top of the tent as high as they could, which was about chest level. Billie looked at the assembled frame. It stood about six and a half feet at the peak. “Houston, we have a problem.”

  “What the hell? The tent must have shrunk. The frame used to fit inside it,” Fred said.

  Just then, Cat and Jen returned. “How are you coming on the screen tent?” Jen asked.

  “It shrunk,” Fred replied.

  “Shrunk? It’s nylon. How could it possibly have shrunk?”

  “Beats the hell out of me, Jen. All I know is the frame is taller than we can lift the tent.”

  “Try un-staking the corners,” Cat called from the picnic table.

  “The corners?” Billie echoed.

  “Yes. It says here in the instructions, not to stake the corners until the frame is inside the tent. Otherwise, it will be too restrictive.”

  “We worked hard to stake down those corners,” Billie whined.

  “You’ll work even harder trying to get that frame inside the tent if you don’t.”

  “Damn it all to hell,” Billie cursed as she grabbed the hammer and pulled up the stakes at the four corners of the tent. “There. Are you happy?”

  Cat nodded. “Ecstatic.”

  “Okay, Fred, help me drag this frame over to the tent.”

  Billie and Fred positioned the frame directly in front of where the door was located on the screen tent. “Now help me slide it into the door opening.”

  “Maybe we should start by draping the top of the door opening over the peak,” Fred suggested.

  “Good idea, Fred. On the count of three, lift your side up. One, two, three.”