After Me

by Joyce Scarbrough

  “So tell me what you thought of Gatsby.” He turned toward me slightly, his elbow resting on the back of the swing. “And I want you to be honest.”

  I wasn’t sure I remembered how to do that anymore. Fortunately, I really liked the book.

  “Okay, I honestly wanted to slap all the characters except Nick,” I said. “I ended up feeling sorry for Gatsby, but he was really just as stupid as everybody else. I suppose Fitzgerald wrote them like that on purpose to prove his point about rich people being clueless.”

  Lew nodded. “Exactly, and I agree. I love the way he exposes the shallowness of wealth, their prevailing moral deficit and how quickly they can be knocked off their self-made pedestals.”

  Okay, wow. That was some deep stuff, but I actually understood exactly what he meant and agreed with all of it because of personal experience. Of course, I couldn’t tell him that.

  “Yeah, what you said. And I did feel a little sorry for Gatsby when Daisy broke his heart after everything he did to get her back, but since she was basically a whore, he kinda deserved it. I guess the thing I liked the most was Nick and the way he saw through all of it and had sense enough to get the hell away from them.”

  A smile spread slowly across his face. “Do you really mean that?”

  “Sure. Why would I lie to you?” About this anyway.

  “Nick is the main reason I love that book,” he said. “Sometimes I feel like I’m cast as him in the whacked-out version of the plot that masquerades as my life.”

  Yeah, this was way more than just a book discussion. I knew that if I was ever gonna get him to open up, now was my chance. As casually as I could manage, I put my hand on his forearm.

  “Tell me about your family, Triple C. What is it about them that drives you crazy?”

  He stared out at the water. “Trust me, you don’t want to hear about it.”

  “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t. And you must need to talk about it or you wouldn’t have brought me out here.”

  I could tell he was fighting with himself over it, so I scrabbled around in my head for something to convince him he could trust me.

  “What if we make a deal?” I said. “I’ll answer a question for you, then I get to ask you one. Ask me anything you want to know.”

  He looked at me intently a second then sighed. “Okay. What made you decide to get off the streets?”

  Oh, crap. Maybe I should’ve thought this through a little more. I tried to stall by staring up at the night sky, as if I was pondering how to phrase such a deeply emotional revelation. Within seconds, I was rewarded with a flash of deceptive brilliance so perfect that I had to wonder if Flo was my wingman.

  I turned to look at him with all the fake earnestness I could manage. “My life’s never been perfect, but it didn’t suck quite as bad until my mom decided to run off with a piece-of-shit meth head and I got sent to a state group home where I met my friend Jada. She came from a rich family like yours, but she kept running away because her dad was a drunk and her mother was a selfish bitch. For some reason, we hit it off from the start and were like sisters in no time. Things were actually pretty good until she got murdered by a pervert who worked at the home as a chaperone.”

  “Oh my God,” he said. “Was he arrested for it?”

  I put a hand over my eyes, shamelessly playing on his sympathy.

  “They never found her body. I knew he did it, but nobody listened to me. They said she just ran away again. I decided I’d better take off before he made me disappear too, and I ended up turning tricks on the street so I wouldn’t starve.”

  I looked up at him and almost managed to squeeze out a tear.

  “I know it’s gotta be hard for you to understand how I could do something like that. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.”

  He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “You did what you had to do to survive. It just makes me admire you more.”

  I gave him a brave smile. Nope, not a shred of decency left.

  “Anyway,” I said, “after a year of that, I woke up one morning in the filthy warehouse I’d been living in and found a rat gnawing on my finger, and I realized I didn’t have any more of a life than if he’d killed me. So I turned myself into the cops and decided that if I got sent back to the home, I’d fight instead of running. I knew it’s what Jada would want me to do.”

  He took my hand. “I’m glad you got a good family this time.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I said. “And I feel like I owe it to them to do good in school and stay out of trouble. That’s why I tried to pick a better crowd to hang out with from the start. But when I hear about stuff like what happened to that Caitlin girl, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and playing nice. I guess it reminds me too much of how I lost Jada.”

  “I understand how you feel,” he said. “I know what it’s like to lose the person you’re closest to in the world.”

  Okay, this was it. My fingers tightened around his. “Who did you lose?”

  He looked at our hands and hesitated, but only for a second.

  “My twin brother committed suicide last year—eleven months, twenty-four days, twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes ago. I come out here every night at the exact time I found him hanging from the tree in our back yard where we built a tree house with Javi when we were ten.”

  He looked up at me, and I recognized the same anguish I’d felt when I lost Cassie reflected in his eyes. I forgot all about my petty jealousy, my lame attempts at flirting, and the deceitfulness I’d just used to play on his sympathies. His pain was real, and it was the only thing that mattered to me at that moment. My arms went around him before I had time to think about it or worry about what he would think it meant.

  “I’m so sorry, Lew. I know how bad it hurts, and I’d do anything if I could make it stop for both of us.”

  I could tell the embrace had surprised him, but he must’ve heard the sincerity and grief in my voice, because he returned the hug and said, “Thank you, Gwen. It feels good to have somebody who understands.”

  I pulled away to look at his face. “Why did he do it, Lew? Can you talk about it?”

  He shook his head. “Not yet. But maybe soon.”

  “It’s okay.” I put my hand on his cheek. “I’ll listen whenever you’re ready.”

  I honestly hadn’t meant the gesture to be anything but comforting, but I sensed the change in him immediately. Even in the darkness on the deck, I could see the pain in his eyes replaced with softness as they looked into mine, and I felt his breathing double in speed.

  “I can’t believe how wrong I was about you when we first met,” he said. “It’s always been hard for me to trust anybody, and it got worse after Drew died. I didn’t think I’d ever find anyone I could talk to like this.” He took my hand from his face and held it in both of his. “It’s almost like we were destined to meet.”

  “Maybe we were,” I said. “They say everything happens for a reason.”

  Maybe I had to die so I could come into your life.

  “Whatever the reason,” he said, “I’m glad you’re here.”

  His hands encircled my waist, but he made no move to pull me closer. I could tell it wasn’t because he was nervous or anything like that, it was because he was leaving the choice up to me. I didn’t make him wait long for my decision.

  My arms went around his neck, and I could tell he knew it wasn’t for comfort this time. When he pulled me to him, I felt his heart beating hard enough to cover the stillness of the dead one in my chest. I forgot to close my eyes because I couldn’t stop watching the way his lids descended slowly over the blue of his eyes as he bent to kiss me.

  I’d never had any feelings for the guys I’d dated when I was Jada, but I still had kissed more than my share of them. Nobody had impressed me much, but a couple had been respectable. Lew put them all to shame.

  And although the rest of the world disappeared while I was lost in the
wonder of his lips against mine, I didn’t miss the strength I felt in the arms holding me so tightly that I would’ve had trouble breathing if I’d still needed to do it. The long-sleeved Oxfords he always wore buttoned up to the neck were more than just a personal fashion statement. They were hiding muscles he clearly didn’t want anybody to know he had.

  When the kiss ended, I pulled away to look at his face. “You sure kiss great for a nerd, Triple C. Care to explain that?”

  He threw back his head and laughed for a good ten seconds, then he turned to face the water with his arm behind me on the swing. “I didn’t realize intelligence was an impediment to knowing how to kiss, but I guess I should be flattered by the praise.”

  “You’ve been holding out on me in more ways than one.” I put a hand on one of his biceps. “Am I supposed to believe you got these guns from lifting all those heavy chess pieces?”

  “Hey, those pewter sets can be pretty hefty.”

  “You’re not gonna tell me the truth, are you?”

  He shook his head. “Can’t talk about that right now either, but your inquiry is duly noted.” He turned toward me again and touched my chin. “Besides, if I’m using my mouth for talking, I can’t use it for the other activity I had in mind.”

  Forget it. I’d grill him later.

  “Shut up, Triple C. You talk too much.”

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Despite my kiss-happy state when we left, riding in the car with Lew when he drove me home reminded me of how mad at him I’d been earlier, and I had to say something about his conflicting behavior.

  “So… am I the only girl you kissed tonight?”

  He looked surprised. “Of course. Why would you ask me that?”

  “Don’t try to be cute. You only had eyes for Annalee until we took her home. Please tell me that wasn’t some whacked-out plan to make me jealous, because if you hurt her—”

  I had to brace myself against the dash with my hands when he braked the car to an abrupt stop. He looked at me without a trace of amusement.

  “If you really think I’d ever do that, we have a big problem.”

  “Then why did you basically ignore me all night and hang on her every word?”

  “Why’d you do her hair and makeup for her?”

  “What does that have to do with anything? And how do you know I did it?” When he gave me a patronizing look, I said, “Okay, fine. I just wanted to make her see how pretty she is and give her a little confidence.”

  “Same here.”

  I shook my head. “What you did is different. Now she thinks you want to be more than just her friend, and when she finds out about you and me—”

  “She already knows,” he said. “When I walked her to the door, I told her why I wanted to be alone with you. She said you were the best friend she ever had, and anything that made you happy made her happy too.”

  Two embarrassing tears leaked from my eyes before I could stop them. I really didn’t deserve a friend like Annalee. I turned away to hide the tears from Lew, but I wasn’t fast enough. He turned my face toward him with a finger on the side of my chin.

  “When I saw the way you let her have the spotlight all night, it just confirmed what I’d already decided—that you’re nothing like any girl I’ve ever known. And I knew I wanted to find out everything there is to know about you.”

  He brushed the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs, then he leaned over to kiss me. I almost told him to turn the car around and go back to his house so we could spend all night in the swing.

  “You’re not gonna be able to distract me that way forever you know,” I said when he returned to his side of the car. “After the novelty wears off, I’m gonna get the truth out of you,”—I leaned over to do air quotes in front of his face—“nerd boy.”

  He laughed and put the car in gear. “We’ll see about that. I didn’t become an international man of mystery by accident.”

  He walked me to the door when we got to Karen and Brad’s house. Holding both my hands in his, he looked down at me with a smile. “How about a date by ourselves tomorrow night?”

  “What’d you have in mind?”

  He shrugged. “A few hours not talking in the swing would be fine with me, but we can go to a movie or something if you want to.”

  “I’m not too big on Hollywood,” I said. “Why don’t we just hang out here so I won’t have to pay Nathan back the twenty bucks I borrowed from him?” He laughed a little too loud and I said, “Shh, he’ll be out here in a second if he hears you.”

  “Oops, sorry.” He put his arms around my waist. “Okay, I’ll come over and show him a few chess tricks if you promise to go to the swing with me later.”

  “Deal,” I said. “Come at six for supper. Karen will be almost as happy as Nathan.”

  “What about you? Will you be happy to see me?”

  “Sure,” I said. “I’ve been thinking about learning chess for a while.”

  His eyes lit up. “For real? Because I could teach you easy.”

  I laughed louder than he had. “You’re way too gullible, Triple C.”

  * * *

  After he left, I floated up the stairs and stopped briefly to let Karen and Brad know I was home when I passed their bedroom. I couldn’t wait to get to my room and replay the night in my mind, frame by frame. Pausing and rewinding certain parts over and over and over again.

  When I got out of the shower and had relived the best parts for an hour or so, I had to admit I was still confused about a lot of it. There was no question I was happy about Lew’s feelings for me, even though I had no idea how I was supposed to act around him in public now. Cassie and I had barely begun to talk about boys when she got sick, and I’d never talked about things like that with anybody else.

  And his surprising confidence in the romance department was another piece of the puzzle surrounding him. I’d finally come to terms with having the hots for a nerd, then I find out he’s not as nerdy as I thought he was and obviously didn’t want anybody to know it. I suspected it had something to do with his brother’s death, but I couldn’t figure out how or why.

  And what about Annalee? She had probably been in love with Lew for a long time, so I could just imagine how crushed she must have been when she realized he’d only been paying attention to her all night because he was just so freaking sweet. Yet she’d been happy for me. Too bad neither of us had a cell phone so I could call her or at least text. Maybe I could go to her house in the morning and talk to her in person.

  I went to the computer and logged in to Gwen’s FaceSpace account, trying not to be embarrassed at how much I was hoping to see something from Lew and then giggling like a sixth grader when I read his status.

  It’s been a long, long time since I’ve looked forward to anything as much as I’m looking forward to tomorrow night.

  I “liked” it, then I spent the next five minutes composing my own status and impressed myself with my cleverness.

  Miami sure has a lot to offer the taste buds. Never thought I’d find anything yummier than brains, but I did tonight. Looking forward to seconds.

  Lewis Mackenzie Stanton likes this popped up within seconds, making me grin like an idiot. I was just about to send him a private message when Dexter’s theme music alerted me to a new e-mail message from Flo. She said I needed to add another entry to the Paying it Upward blog. And she reminded me to change my e-mail address.

  A few hours earlier, I’d been planning to spend the night online searching for BOSSMAN, but now I had even less interest in finding him than before. Maybe I could get by with posting the details of what I’d done to Scott and why he’d deserved it. That should qualify as part of my assignment. And I was also making good progress on the emotional addendum part, so that ought to count for something.

  I wrote the blog entry about Scott and changed my e-mail address before sending Flo a message to let her know I’d done what she told me.

  FROM: zombiegirl@gmail.com

  TO: flore
nce@blueyonder.net

  SUBJECT: Obedience

  Check the blog for the latest installment of my adventures in Zombieland. I didn’t say anything about it on there, but I wanted you to know I’m also getting quite a workout dealing with those emotions you and your buddies seem to think are so important. Thanks a lot for screwing with my head.

  Jada

  I wasn’t sure if Flo—or somebody higher up—was monitoring everything I did, but no way was I gonna write about my feelings for Lew like some middle school kid mooning over her first crush in the pages of her diary.

  After replaying the night in my head again—private mooning was another thing altogether—I spent the next hour trying to decide what to say to Annalee when I talked to her. What if she was mad at me and what she’d said to Lew had just been an act?

  The more I thought about it, the more worried I got that my friendship with Annalee was at risk. I decided I couldn’t wait until the next day to see her and made up my mind to go right then, no matter how late it was. I remembered seeing a broken pane in the living room window that I could use to get into the apartment, so I should be able to talk to Annalee without her mom knowing anything about it.

  I donned my Zombie Girl outfit minus the mask and makeup, hoping the dark clothes would let me make the trip as inconspicuously as possible. Annalee’s neighborhood wasn’t far from Coconut Grove, typical of Miami’s hodgepodge layout that put mansions back-to-back with high crime areas. I could easily make it there on foot in a half hour or less. I stuffed my hair inside a black ski hat I found in the closet, hoping that anybody who saw me would take me for a skinny guy and leave me alone. Not that I couldn’t handle anybody who bothered me. I just didn’t want any delays.

  Thanks to a lift I got from a creepy old man in a Cadillac Escalade who leered at me so much that I ended up getting out after a mile, I made it to Annalee’s in under twenty minutes. Since it was Friday night, there were still quite a few people outside the other apartments, but I managed to make it up to Annalee’s door without drawing anybody’s attention. The scraggly bushes in front of the apartment were half dead, but they gave me enough cover to push my fist through the duct-taped pane and unlock the window to climb inside.