Immortal Divorce Court Volume 2: A Sirius Education

by Kirk Zurosky

  “You sent for him?” Mary Grace said in surprise. “Lovely, you sent a message that you were coming for me.” Clearly, she was not happy that his presence was not entirely for her benefit.

  Lovely looked at her, laying on the charm. “Were you not here for that grand entrance?” he said. “Were not those soft lips of yours on mine? Was not every eye in the College of Immortals on us as we expressed our—”

  “Indeed,” I interrupted. “What I meant was I need Lovely for a second.”

  “I need him for forever,” Mary Grace said, patting his face, and looking a little too . . . well, horny for my liking.

  Lovely took her hand from his face and kissed it sweetly. “See, your father just wants to spend some time with me, and talk man-to-man,” he said. “Who knows what he and I could talk about . . .”

  “Yes, quite,” Mary Grace beamed. “All right then, I will leave you and Father to your man talk. I will retire to my chambers, and if it is all right with Father, perhaps you could stop by for a visit with me and all my sisters. All of us. Sitting in the room. Having some tea . . .”

  I was still trying to figure out who this respectful creature in front of me was when Adelaide and Beatrice approached and each grabbed Mary Grace by an arm, pulling her away. “Good golly, Gracie,” I heard Adelaide say. “A simply good-bye would have sufficed. What is with you?” And with that Lovely and I were left standing awkwardly alone in the common room as the sisters and Garlic retreated to their chambers.

  “Did your dad tell you why I wanted your help?” I asked, breaking the silence. “And I don’t know why I did that, but you owe me one.”

  “He did, and you are right, sir—I sure do,” Lovely said. “I am more than happy to escort Maria to see the Queen. I still have my contacts in the palace who can help arrange a safe and discreet meeting. Oddly, I hear that Orcinus and the Queen are both working so hard to undermine each other’s influence with the high council that they are in a stalemate.”

  “So, while the Queen may not have regained all her power,” I said, “Orcinus is powerless to wage his war on the outside world without losing his grip on what power he does have in the undersea kingdom.”

  “That is it exactly,” Lovely agreed. He saw a few objectively beautiful girls gawking at him as they walked through the common room, and his brow furrowed. Did he not like that? “All the same,” he said. “I don’t think even the Queen and Orcinus know who is on their side exactly. Is there somewhere else we can talk, you know, outside of the College of Immortals?”

  “Indeed,” I said. “I know just the place.” I snickered to myself, since Lovely did not know that I knew that he was going to ask me about working at the college. I didn’t blame him for wanting a little privacy. I, too, had wondered if Orcinus, or for that matter Scorn, had spies running rampant at the college. Now that Martin was at Immortal Divorce Court, I was sure other spies had taken his place here. But with new students coming and leaving nearly every day, it was hard to know who was an innocent, who was an ally, and who was an enemy. At least when Martin was here, I knew just who and what he was all about—usually himself. But now I knew that he had a different agenda all along—Scorn’s!

  We found ourselves on the edge of town in a sleepy little inn called The Drooping Daisy. I had chosen this inn for two very important reasons. One, the ale was always delicious, and two, the innkeeper, Old Don Bones, was quite practiced in keeping his mouth shut and not hiring any gossipy tavern wenches. I realized that, much like traveling with my daughters, going somewhere with the Greek god that was Lovely generally drew the stares of everyone we passed. “All right, Lovely,” I said as we toasted with two fine tankards of ale. “What is it that you wanted to speak with me about?”

  All of the sudden, Lovely looked a little pale and frankly quite nervous. “Uh,” he stammered, looking deep into his tankard in an effort to find his words. “Well,” he tried again.

  I smacked him on the back to jog some intelligible words out of him. “Come on, man,” I said. “What is it?” Was asking for a job really this hard?

  “You know I have nothing but the very highest regard for Mary Grace,” he said. “She,” he paused, suddenly looking quite at peace with himself. He turned to me, no longer pale and nervous. “Mary Grace,” he said boldly. “Well, she is the most amazing woman! She is so full of intelligence, charm, beauty, and wit. Her smile makes my heart soar higher than the most far-off clouds, her laughter is like music to my soul, and . . . and . . . when we are together, sir, it is like all is right with the world. In fact, it is like there is nobody else in the world but us. Sir, I don’t know how to say this, but we are meant to be together—we just are.” A tear came to his eye, and he sniffed slightly, looking away and clearing his throat. “Dusty old rat trap of an inn,” he said. “Got something in my eye . . .”

  “Hey,” shouted Old Don Bones where he stood, clearly pretending not to listen. “It is not a dusty rat trap! If you don’t like me inn, then go cry me a river somewhere else, you big oaf!”

  I patted Lovely’s shoulder. I still had a beaming smile on my face from how he described Mary Grace. “Don’t mind Old Don Bones,” I said. “He can be a little touchy.” I flipped the old innkeeper a gold coin. “Go on and get the place cleaned like you like it, Don.”

  Old Don Bones bit the gold coin and put it in his pocket. “It is the way I like it,” he said, hurrying off to the kitchen. “Tell that to the pretty buffoon.”

  “Now, Lovely,” I said, ignoring Old Don Bones. “First, I want to say how much, as a father, I appreciate your kind words about Mary Grace. She is very dear to me as you know.”

  “And dear to me too,” Lovely said. “Very, very dear.”

  “I kind of gathered that from your little display of affection in the common room,” I said. “I think you have upped the romantic expectations of half the student body.” We both clanked our tankards and laughed.

  “It was a very good entrance, wasn’t it?” Lovely exclaimed. “And an even better kiss!”

  I nodded. “It was indeed well done,” I said. “So, it is perfectly understandable to me that you want to be closer to Mary Grace. And I know you are going to be taking over your dad’s holdings in London, so you will be around more. I understand that. It really does make perfect sense that you would want a full-time job at the college. I cannot guarantee that Hedley will agree to that arrangement, or even that you could work with Mary Grace.”

  “I don’t want to work with Mary Grace,” Lovely said, looking a bit confused.

  That made perfect sense. He probably felt he would be distracted and would not do his job well. “Okay,” I said. “You don’t have to work with her. Maybe Hedley has another position that you are suited for.”

  “Sirius,” Lovely said, putting his massive mitts on my shoulders and looking me dead in the eyes. “I don’t want to teach with Mary Grace. I am asking your permission to marry her!”

  “Marry her?” I sputtered. “She is not with child, is she? Because if she is, I will, I will . . . try to kill you. . . . You better start talking . . . and now!”

  “She is not with child,” Lovely said quietly. I breathed a sigh of relief as, even if Mary Grace were with child, I was not sure what I could have done against this beautiful behemoth. “In fact—not that it is any business of yours—we have not been together yet.”

  “What, you think you are too good for her or something?”

  “Calm down, Sirius, you are not thinking clearly,” Lovely said. “You would think a man with your illustrious history would be a bit more relaxed about this kind of thing. You have had more legendary fortnights of fornication than any man!”

  “Sorry—and yes, that is completely true,” I said. “But I guess I am always trying to make up for lost time with my werepires. Maria has been with me since she was young, but the other girls came into my life when they were so much older. I just want
to be the best father to them that I can.”

  “I think you have done a fabulous job,” Lovely said sincerely. “And that is why I wanted to ask for your blessing first, then get married before we lie together as man and woman. I know, I know—a foreign concept to the great vampire lothario.”

  “Hey,” I said, trying to ignore the accuracy of that remark. “Is that any way to talk to your future father-in-law?”

  “Sorry,” Lovely said with a grin. “But this hasn’t exactly been easy. Mary Grace has been very, very persistent, and perhaps was not quite as interested in your blessing as I was. Not that she doesn’t love you, Sirius, but paternal consent is not something she cares much about.”

  “You think her loyal though?” I asked, since I had my doubts. Perhaps Contessa was right all along, and Mary Grace was concerned only about was herself. Or could she be loyal to the Howler still? Mary Grace talked like she hated her mother, but was it an act?

  “She is very loyal to those she loves, Sirius,” Lovely said. “And of course that includes you.” Did it? Well, she did seem very concerned what I thought about Lovely and wanted us to talk about “men” things. “But she is very impetuous, you know,” Lovely continued. “I will be honest with you. I am not going to be able to hold her off that much longer. Nor do I want to, frankly.”

  “I can relate,” I said. “You are after all a real man, and not one of those soft, wants a medal for just showing up fellows that inhabit the college these days. When you are a real man, how you are feeling comes with the territory. But this does explain why she was wearing the dress for your benefit, and the whole perfect manners thing.”

  “So, do we have your blessing?” Lovely said, holding his arms out wide.

  “Of course you do!” I exclaimed. “I can only hope that the rest of my daughters can find true love with men as amazing as you.”

  “Thank you, Sirius,” Lovely said. “That means so much to me. Now bring it in, and let’s hug it out.”

  “Uh,” I protested. “We are good. No hug necessary.”

  “Nonsense,” Lovely said. “We are going to be family, and families hug.”

  He snatched me up in a big bear hug and began shaking me around the Drooping Daisy. Old Don Bones brought out two more tankards of ale and returned to the kitchen. Right at that moment, young Glastonbury walked into the Drooping Daisy and took in what looked like Lovely and me engaged in some kind of romantic slow dance. “Jealous,” he muttered to himself, and left the inn shaking his head in disappointment. Lovely let me go, and I sank to the floor, laughing until tears came to my eyes. I was still sitting there when Old Don Bones came back out of the kitchen.

  “Did you hear the news?” he said. “The king is dead, and on a finer June day it could not have been. I guess we are getting another Hanover to rule us. It sure would be nice to get us a homegrown king someday. Ah well, leave your gold, I am going into town to visit me mum and celebrate.” He reached behind the bar and grabbed his finest bottle of wine, then off he went through the door, whistling a funeral dirge.

  Lovely extended an arm and pulled me to my feet. “So, I am guessing my soon-to-be Auntie Cornelia is going to have to go to the next coronation?”

  “Yes, she will,” I said. “And that means she and the Moon of Madrid will once again be vulnerable to attack from the Thief.”

  “Oh right,” Lovely said. “I remember the Thief. She is kind of hard to forget.”

  I nodded. “I have to agree with you there,” I said. “Our last parting was interrupted by that despicable bastard Kunchen. Mark my words, Lovely, I will avenge Cabernet, who now sleeps like the living dead in the Three-Legged Turtle. Come on, let’s take our news to Hedley Edrick and get our plan set, since I am sure we have a few months before George II takes the reins of this fair country.”

  “You will forgive me if I let you do that alone,” Lovely said. “I need to tell Mary Grace she is about to be a bride.”

  “Of course,” I said. “After you take Maria to see the Queen and we muck about with this coronation nonsense, we can sit down and plan a proper wedding for you two.”

  “She is not going to want to wait, you know,” he said. “She is pretty persuasive.”

  “She is going to have to,” I replied. “It takes time to plan a wedding. There is the guest list, the locale, the food, and so on.”

  “That’s not what I am talking about,” Lovely said.

  “Lovely, why are you telling me this?” I said, looking down at the ground for an answer I would not find.

  “Well, you know all about women,” he said. “I figure you would have some advice.”

  “Sure,” I said. “A woman in lust knows exactly what she is doing. A woman in love has absolutely no idea what she doing. The love consumes her every waking thought and emotion. Get her focused on planning the wedding of the century, and she will soon think of nothing else.”

  “Is that all?” Lovely said incredulously.

  “Yes, and most importantly . . .”

  “Yes, yes,” Lovely pressed. “What is it?”

  “Don’t take off all your clothes and lie on top of each other.”

  When I got to Hedley’s office, he, of course, already knew about the king’s passing. He glanced at the time clock on his desk, which was next to a rather large wheel of cheese that was drawing the avid attention of Norville and Garlic. “Hmm, June 11, 1727,” he said, slicing a large hunk of cheese and placing it in front of me. A pungent odor reminiscent of the sweat of copulation came to my nostrils.

  “What kind of cheese is this?” I asked. “Horny old goat cheese perhaps?”

  Hedley laughed. “Oh no, this is a fine honeymoon cheese from Denmark,” he said. “I am just sampling it as a potential wedding gift. You might, however, want to pass on it. I don’t think you need any more potency.”

  “Very funny, Master of Masters,” I said. “And you are right about that, too, of course. Wait a second, you are not giving that to . . . ?”

  “Oh no, no, no.” Hedley laughed. “I think that young stallion Lovely will have plenty of giddy up in his—”

  “Hey!” I shouted. “That’s my daughter you almost mentioned to my great chagrin. Let’s take about the coronation of King George II. I don’t need to think one bit about that honeymoon without needing a stiff drink, or three!”

  Hedley tossed a piece of cheese to Norville. “Fine, but you are going to make a wonderful grandfather, you know,” he said with a sneer. “Anyway, my sources tell me this coronation is going to be one big to-do. They are scheduling it for October 11, so we have four months to see to it that Cornelia will be well protected.”

  “You think the Thief will take another shot at stealing the Moon of Madrid?” I asked, ignoring Hedley’s grandfather comment and flicking a piece of cheese across Hedley’s desk into Norville’s waiting mouth. Garlic also opened her mouth for some cheese, which I happily tossed to her. “I mean she nearly got away with the Moon last time. Maybe someone else can attend in Cornelia’s place.”

  “You know, Sirius,” Hedley said, “that is a shockingly good idea.”

  “Uh, thanks,” I said, giving him my best sarcastic glance.

  “No, sorry,” Hedley replied. “And Cornelia has been the family representative already. Wouldn’t do to have her showing up not having aged a day in a decade, even the royals are not that oblivious.”

  “So who are you thinking about? And please don’t tell me I have to deal with the Howler again.”

  Hedley laughed. “Oh no,” he said. “I would not do that to you again, and I have a feeling that this time she and Contessa would have a knockdown drag out donnybrook! So, let me think about it.”

  “But if the Moon isn’t there, or Cornelia isn’t spotted on the way to the coronation, won’t the Thief know this and not make her presence known?”

  “Oh, the Thief will come to the
coronation regardless of whether the Moon or Cornelia are there,” Hedley said. “I am sure of it.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because she has had a taste for you, my irresistible vampire,” he said. “And she is not going to be able to help herself.”

  “The Thief has a thing for me.”

  “That was a statement not a question,” Hedley said, “so obviously you agree. The key to all of this is for you not to lose your focus over a pretty face or other attractive body parts. Don’t lose the battle between your cranium and your cock, and the Thief will be yours. Lose the battle, and you will be playing right into her hands, and as satisfying as that may sound to you at the moment, it will not advance our cause.”

  “I am not going to succumb to her, Hedley,” I said. “You know there is a wedding to plan that involves dealing with the Howler, and you can’t get any more sobering a thought than that.”

  “You are also sending Lovely with Maria to see the Queen,” Hedley said.

  “There is that,” I said. “See, I have a lot on my mind other than sleeping with the Thief.”

  “Ah, so you do want to sleep with the Thief?” Hedley exclaimed in mock surprise. Norville tottered around the table, holding his paws against his chest, suffering an apparent rodent heart attack. Garlic rolled over on her back, and played mock dead.

  “You people are ridiculous,” I said. “You have nothing to be concerned about.”

  “I believe you,” Hedley said. “I sure hope we get this whole mess straightened out before you decide to fall in love—again.” This time the cheese went straight at Hedley’s face, much to Norville’s and Garlic’s chagrin.

  The following week I must have held Maria too long in my tightest fatherly embrace as she stood next to a beautiful black stallion that looked like a pony next to Lovely’s massive milky-white charger. “Father,” she said, tapping me on the back of my arm, “you can let me go now. I promise I will return.”