Pirate Pandemonium

by Jeremy Strong

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ grinned Samantha.

  ‘In my ambulance I have some bits and pieces that might be useful to us,’ Miss Pandemonium went on. ‘If we are going to turn this classroom into a pirate galleon we shall need swords and daggers, and cannons and cannon balls. We also need some treasure, and I thought we could make a few raids, like real pirates.’

  Samantha Boggis could hardly believe her luck. ‘Raids, miss? Real raids – I mean waving swords and threatening people and stealing all their treasure?’

  ‘Not quite, Samantha. I think we shall leave out the threatening bit for a start. Where do you get your ideas from? I thought I’d send out a few children to go and raid the other classes, saying that they’re pirates and demanding treasure. I’m sure the other teachers will join in the fun. After all, it is part of Book Week.’

  ‘Then what do we do?’ asked Tom.

  ‘We bury it in a secret location; at least some of us bury it. I’m going to split the class into two teams. One team is going to bury the treasure, and then make a treasure map of the school to show where their treasure is buried. Then the other team will see if they can find it.’

  Class Five gazed at Miss Pandemonium as if they were looking at an angel who worked miracles. ‘That’s brilliant,’ breathed Neil. ‘It will be fantastic.’

  ‘What about The Earwig?’ asked Tina. ‘The Earwig won’t like it at all.’

  ‘The Earwig?’ repeated Miss Pandemonium, with a tiny smile.

  ‘Oh, sorry, miss.’ Tina turned bright red. ‘I meant Mrs Earwigger.’

  ‘I would never have guessed. Don’t worry about Mrs Earwigger. I’m sure she’ll think it’s all great fun. Now, come with me and help get the stuff from the ambulance.’

  Most of the children spent the rest of the morning hammering and sticking and cutting and measuring and painting. But the most fun was had by the raiders. For some reason Miss Pandemonium decided that Samantha Boggis wouldn’t be a very good raider, or perhaps it was that she thought Samantha Boggis would be too good. Instead she chose three children who normally didn’t get much of a look-in.

  Ryan, Clyde and Linda were the terrifying trio. They decided they would start with easy pickings and they headed straight for Mrs Patel’s class of four- and five-year-olds. Outside Mrs Patel’s classroom door the pirate raiders had a long argument about whether or not they should knock.

  ‘It’s stupid,’ grumbled Clyde. ‘Real pirates would never knock first.’

  ‘But we’re not actually real pirates, not really real, and you know what Mrs Earwigger does if you don’t knock first.’ Linda was nervously chewing her nails.

  ‘Suppose we knock and then rush in quickly?’ suggested Ryan.

  But before they were able to do anything, the door opened and Mrs Patel stood there, smiling down at them. ‘Hello, you three. Did you want something? You’ve been standing outside arguing for ages. We wondered what was going on, didn’t we, children?’

  Twenty-seven tiny faces turned and gazed at the three pirates standing by the door. Linda chewed her nails even more nervously. Ryan coughed and went red. Clyde summoned up all his courage.

  ‘Please, miss, we’re pirates,’ he whispered, staring hard at the floor.

  ‘What was that?’ asked Mrs Patel, barely able to stop herself laughing out loud. Clyde clenched his fists.

  ‘We’re pirates!’ he suddenly shouted, with an immensely fierce scowl. ‘And we’ve come to steal your treasure!’

  ‘Yeah!’ Ryan waved his pirate sword menacingly. Linda now had no nails left at all.

  ‘Oh dear, children! I think we’re being robbed by pirates!’ Mrs Patel raised both arms in the air in surrender. ‘You’d better come in,’ she said, and led the way into the classroom. Mrs Patel went across to her desk and picked up an old biscuit tin, in which she kept emergency plasters and extra shoelaces and other useful things. ‘This is my treasure tin,’ she said. ‘You can take this, but only if you leave us in peace.’

  Clyde seized the tin. ‘Thanks, Mrs Patel, that’s great – I mean, yeah, and nobody move or the dame gets it!’ He wasn’t quite sure if pirates spoke like this or not, but at least it made him sound mean and dangerous. The pirates backed out of the room, pulled the door shut and raced off. They didn’t stop till they were safely out of sight of Mrs Patel’s classroom.

  ‘Brilliant!’ cried Ryan. ‘We did it! We’ve got some treasure.’

  ‘Can we go now?’ whispered Linda.

  ‘No way. We’ve got to get some more.’ Clyde was already busy scheming. Flushed with the success of their first raid he grew bolder. ‘Let’s rob Mr Kuddle!’

  Ryan’s jaw dropped and Linda suddenly needed to go to the toilet, desperately. The boys stood and waited. Linda hoped that the raid would be over by the time she returned and was disappointed to find the boys still politely waiting for her.

  The three pirates crept up to Mr Kuddle’s office. This time even Clyde was sure that they ought to knock first, so he rapped loudly on the door and they burst in.

  Mr Kuddle was halfway through eating a cheese and tomato sandwich. He couldn’t say much, at least not without quite a lot of cheese falling out of his mouth. ‘Ah!’ he managed.

  ‘We’re pirates!’ cried Clyde. ‘Give us all your treasure!’

  ‘Please,’ began Mr Kuddle, swallowing hard. ‘Let’s be friends. Call me Kevin …’

  ‘Please, Kevin,’ repeated Clyde. ‘Give us all your treasure.’

  ‘Right, ah, well, let’s see.’ Mr Kuddle began fishing in his pockets for loose change. He didn’t seem to have quite the right idea. ‘Are you collecting for charity? Which one is it?’

  ‘We’re pirates,’ repeated Clyde, and he and Ryan waved their swords, while Linda anxiously peered at Mr Kuddle over Ryan’s shoulder.

  ‘Of course – you’re from Miss Pandemonium’s class, aren’t you?’ smiled Mr Kuddle.

  ‘We’re from Captain Blackbeard’s pirate galleon!’ corrected Clyde. ‘And if you don’t hand over some treasure quick, I’ll slice your ears off!’

  ‘Ooooh!’ squeaked Linda, and hurried back to the toilet.

  Mr Kuddle looked suitably horrified and, after a quick glance round his room, handed over the little silver trophy that the football team had won that spring. ‘Please don’t slice my ears off,’ he pleaded.

  ‘We won’t,’ snarled Ryan. ‘Not this time … Kevin.’

  The Class Five raiders made one more swoop, this time on Miss Goodly, who immediately offered to hand over her entire class to the pirates because, she said, her children were all ‘little treasures’.

  Clyde didn’t have an answer to this, but Ryan threatened to tie her up and make her walk the gangplank unless she gave them some proper treasure. Miss Goodly quickly gave them a box of giant pearls disguised as marbles, and the two boys returned to their classroom triumphant.

  ‘Where’s Linda?’ asked Miss Pandemonium. ‘I hope she hasn’t been captured.’

  ‘No, she went to the toilet, miss,’ explained Clyde, and the class set about sorting through the treasure, ready for burying.

  5 Tricky Tracey

  Miss Pandemonium thought it would be a good idea if the treasure was hidden straight after lunch. Samantha Boggis led the burying party and, having threatened the other team with instant death if they tried to spy on her, she set off with her pirates to bury their treasure.

  ‘Where are we going?’ asked Mike.

  ‘Somewhere the others will never think of looking, never dare to look.’

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘Shut up, I’ll have to think.’ They peered into the hall, but Mrs Earwigger was in there taking a PE lesson with Class Six. The children watched in fascination as eleven totally silent children climbed up ropes, balanced on benches and did forward rolls on the mats.

  ‘How does she get them so quiet?’ whispered Cleo. ‘It’s not natural.’

  ‘And what’s happened to the rest of the class?’ asked Mike.

  Saman
tha simply pointed to the far end of the hall. A long line of twenty-one children stood silently facing the wall, with their hands on their heads.

  At that moment, Mrs Earwigger gave a shrill cry and another child joined the wall-watchers. ‘By the time The Earwig has taken PE for ten minutes the whole class will be standing there,’ muttered Samantha. ‘Come on, there’s no time to lose. I’ve just had a brilliant idea.’

  ‘What? What is it?’ The treasure buriers hurried after their leader, all wanting to know what she was up to. She grinned back over her shoulder at them and stopped outside Class Six.

  ‘We’re going to bury our treasure here – in The Earwig’s classroom. The others may discover where it’s hidden, but they’ll never dare try and get it while The Earwig’s in there!’

  Samantha was perfectly correct in her thinking. Nobody in their right mind would go into The Earwig’s class while she was there.

  ‘Cleo, Mike – you keep a look out.’

  Clutching the treasure chest, Samantha and her horde hurried into Class Six and gazed round for a suitable hiding place. There were neat piles of clothes on the desks, which the children had changed out of for PE.

  ‘They’ve folded their clothes!’ Tom couldn’t believe his eyes. ‘Every single thing – even their socks! That is weird, and I mean weird!’

  ‘Everyone goes weird in here,’ said Ravi, making it sound as if you might well catch the plague or yellow fever.

  Samantha’s gaze fell upon the big cupboard in the corner. Inside were tins of paint, paper, pencils, rulers, books, scissors – all sorts. She stretched up as high as she could manage and, with an enormously satisfied grin, pushed the chest on to the top shelf. There was a scuffle at the door.

  ‘Earwig’s coming!’ hissed Mike. ‘Scram!’

  The children just had time to shut the cupboard door and slip out of the room before Mrs Earwigger appeared, followed by a neat line of girls and a neat line of boys – all silent. From their hiding place in the cloakroom, Samantha and her gang watched Class Six file into their classroom. The door closed.

  ‘Brilliant!’ she chuckled. ‘I can’t wait! Let’s get back to the classroom and draw the map.’

  The treasure seekers were under the command of Darren and Tracey, and they set off at great speed and with high hopes. Tom Nunnery had drawn the treasure map, and he had tried to make it look as authentic as possible. Mrs Patel’s classroom had ‘Here be tiny people’ written across it, while Mr Kuddle’s office was called ‘Cave of the Big Chief’. Above Class Six it said ‘Beware of the Dragon’, and there was a big black cross showing that the treasure was buried in the corner of the cave.

  The treasure seekers were not terribly good at map-reading, and it took them quite a while to get their bearings and work out what Tom’s strange clues meant. They walked round the hall four times. ‘Trouble is,’ muttered Tracey, ‘you can’t tell which way round this map goes. Who are the little people, anyway? I reckon Samantha’s just playing tricks on us.’

  It was Gary who solved the problem. ‘It says there’s a dragon, and there’s only one dragon in this school that I know of, and that’s The Earwig.’ They hurried down the corridor until they neared Class Six. Darren studied the map carefully.

  ‘Yeah, look, if Class Six is where the dragon is, then Mrs Patel’s would be where the little people are – all the infants, see? Excellent!’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re so pleased about,’ said Tracey. ‘According to this map the treasure is buried inside Class Six.’

  The children could not hide their disappointment. ‘How did they get it in there?’ demanded Ryan, but nobody knew. ‘Well, if someone got it in there then someone must be able to get it out again,’ said Ryan. ‘We need a plan.’ The children began thinking hard.

  ‘We need to know exactly where the treasure is buried,’ declared Tracey. ‘Look, it’s in this corner, on the map. What’s in the corner of the classroom? Tony, you take a look.’

  ‘Me? How?’

  ‘Just take a quick peek through the window in the door, stupid.’

  ‘Supposing I’m spotted?’

  ‘You’ll be OK, go on.’ Darren gave Tony a shove and Tony suddenly found himself crouching outside Mrs Earwigger’s door.

  Very, very slowly he inched his way upwards, until his eyes were just peeping over the bottom frame of the window. He peered into Class Six, and met the icy glare of the deputy head on full red alert.

  ‘That boy there!’ The Earwig’s voice could be heard even in the cloakroom where the other treasure seekers were now crouching, holding their breath. The door crashed open and Mrs Earwigger fixed Tony with her freezing eyes. ‘What do you think you are doing, Tony Williams?’

  Poor Tony squeezed his eyes up tight and tried ever so hard to think of a good answer, but none came. ‘I don’t know, Mrs Earwigger,’ he whispered.

  ‘You don’t know? I see. Did Miss Pandemonium send you?’

  ‘Um, yes, no, yes, I mean – no.’

  The deputy head grabbed Tony’s shoulder in a grip of iron. ‘You can stand up against the wall in my classroom until you think of a sensible answer. Go on!’ Tony vanished inside and the door slammed.

  ‘That worked really well, Tracey,’ said Darren.

  ‘Excuse me,’ said Tracey. ‘Do you have any better ideas? Anyhow, I saw a big cupboard in the corner when Mrs Earwigger opened the door. I bet they’ve hidden the treasure chest in the cupboard. How can we get the Earwig out of the classroom, so that we can get inside?’

  ‘Give her a message,’ said Gary. ‘Tell her Mr Kuddle needs to see her, or something.’ The treasure seekers looked at Gary. This was about the third good idea he’d had in two days. Obviously he was a lot cleverer than they gave him credit for.

  ‘Excellent idea,’ said Tracey. ‘OK, a message – how about “Mr Kuddle says there is an important telephone message for you”? Then she’ll have to go all the way down to the office and back again. That’s plenty of time. Let’s go!’

  The others stared at her. ‘Your idea,’ they said. ‘You do it.’

  Tracey mumbled a few dark threats but she knew she didn’t have much choice. She took a deep breath and approached the dragon’s lair.

  Outside the door she stopped and glanced back at the cloakroom. ‘Go on!’ hissed Darren and Gary. Tracey swallowed hard and knocked. She heard footsteps clicking towards the door. The handle rattled. The door opened, and Tracey’s heart stopped.

  ‘Yes? What is it now?’

  ‘Please, Mrs Earwigger, Mr Kuddle says that there is an important telephone message for you.’

  ‘Really? Why did he send you? Why didn’t he come himself?’

  ‘I – I don’t know,’ stammered Tracey, ‘I was with the secretary and the phone rang and then he came in and saw me and sent me up here to you.’ Tracey was astonished at her own boldness. The deputy head glanced back at her class.

  ‘Not a word while I’m out of the room,’ she ordered. ‘Get on with your maths.’

  Mrs Earwigger strode off down the corridor. The moment the deputy had disappeared round the corner the treasure seekers dashed out from the cloakroom and raced into her classroom. As they poured in through the door they suddenly realized that they had not taken into account one small problem. They had got rid of Mrs Earwigger, but they hadn’t got rid of Mrs Earwigger’s class. Year Six glared at them menacingly. ‘What do you lot want?’ demanded John. Once again Tracey’s brain started working overtime.

  ‘Us? Miss Pandemonium sent us to fetch something. She said it was in this cupboard.’ Tracey smiled and stepped towards the cupboard. John slowly got to his feet, and so did several other class members.

  ‘Oh really? What was it?’

  ‘Paint,’ said Tracey, pulling open a door and spotting several tins of the stuff on the shelves. ‘She said she’d run out of Leaf Green.’ Tracey’s quick eye also saw the treasure chest on the top shelf, and she winked at the others. Class Six were very suspicious. They didn’t seem
to believe Tracey at all. ‘Oh look!’ she suddenly cried, pointing out through the classroom window, and as Class Six turned away she put a foot on the bottom shelf and heaved herself up towards the treasure.

  ‘What?’ growled John, gazing out of the window.

  ‘A bird, I saw a bird – big – a huge bird, an ostrich probably …’ Tracey’s voice was rather muffled by the cupboard and John turned back to see what was going on.

  ‘Oi! Get down! You can’t do that! cried John, and he threw himself towards the cupboard and tried to wrench Tracey away. Half of Class Six plunged after him, while the small gang of treasure seekers desperately tried to make their escape.

  Tracey clung to the top shelf, but as John pulled harder and harder at her legs the whole cupboard began to topple forward. Paper, pencils and tins of paint slid from the shelves and cascaded down on to the floor. Suddenly, Tracey let go with a yell and the cupboard rocked back into place. But the damage was done. Paint tins crashed to the floor and their lids pinged off, scattering powder colours everywhere. Sheets of paper were strewn far and wide. Tracey and the gang fought to escape, but the more they fought the more Class Six piled on top of them and the more things flew about the room. A rainbow-coloured cloud of paint powder swirled up into the air.

  And then a huge, black vulture swept into the room. Mrs Earwigger had returned.

  6 Mrs Earwigger’s Revenge

  Even above the shrieks and screams of the multicoloured children, Mrs Earwigger’s whistle could be heard. The squirming pile stopped wriggling and a deathly silence fell across the classroom. Terrified faces peered up at her. The deputy head stood in the doorway with her eyes on stalks and her beehive hairdo quivering with a mixture of rage and horror.