Pirate Pandemonium

by Jeremy Strong

  ‘What is going on?’ she hissed and immediately held up both hands. ‘No – I don’t want to hear a word of excuse, nothing. This behaviour is intolerable. Tracey Perkins, Darren Wellbrook – I take it that is you underneath all that paint powder – you’re not even in my class. What’s been going on? No – don’t tell me – out to the hall, all of you – and my class too. Go on, hands on heads, walking – go and stand in the hall while I fetch Mr Kuddle and Miss Pandemonium. We’ll soon get to the bottom of this and then there’ll be trouble. If you think any of you have seen me at my worst then you are in for a very nasty shock! Go on – move!’

  Thirty paint-spattered children trailed into the hall and lined up along the wall. The double doors banged and back came Mrs Earwigger, her face like a hurricane, dragging a bemused Mr Kuddle and Miss Pandemonium in her wake.

  The inquisition began, and Mrs Earwigger soon discovered the cause of the chaos.

  ‘This is absolutely appalling,’ declared the deputy. ‘Are you telling me that some children from Class Five hid treasure in my cupboard, and that these silly children here tried to sneak in and get it back?’ Tracey, Darren and the rest of the treasure seekers shuffled their feet and nodded glumly. ‘Mr Kuddle, can you believe such a thing?’

  The head teacher didn’t appear quite so horrified as his deputy. ‘Well, actually, it sounds rather fun to me.’

  ‘Fun? FUN?!?’

  ‘Yes. I think it was rather a clever place to hide the treasure. After all, nobody would dare go into your classroom normally … if you see what I mean …’ Mr Kuddle swallowed hard as he felt Mrs Earwigger’s eyes upon him.

  ‘It was a harmless bit of fun for Book Week,’ explained Miss Pandemonium. ‘It got out of hand, that’s all. If the children from your class hadn’t tried to stop the treasure seekers everything would be all right.’

  Mrs Earwigger turned her flamethrower eyes upon Miss Pandemonium. It was a wonder her glasses didn’t melt from the heat. ‘Did you know about this?’

  ‘But of course, it was my idea.’ Violet looked straight back at Mrs Earwigger with her flame-proof grey eyes. ‘We made a treasure chest, hid it and then drew a map to show where it was. The treasure seekers had to find it and bring it back.’

  ‘Fascinating,’ murmured Mr Kuddle.

  ‘Is that what schools do now?’ cried Mrs Earwigger bitterly. ‘Is that meant to be education?’

  Miss Pandemonium remained calm. ‘It involved grids, use of map keys, interpretation, logic, language, communication skills, team-work and personal initiative.’ Put like this, it sounded as if the children had just completed the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme. ‘It was clever of Tracey to think of a way to get you to leave your classroom.’ Miss Pandemonium gave the deputy a broad smile. ‘You must admit, Mrs Earwigger, that it has been rather fun.’

  ‘Fun?!?’ exploded the deputy yet again. ‘My classroom is a rubbish tip!’

  ‘The treasure seekers can help clear up your room, Mrs Earwigger. Now, if you’ll excuse me I must get back to the rest of my pirates.’

  Miss Pandemonium trotted off across the hall and disappeared back to her classroom. Outside her door Tony Williams was waiting for her. He had an enormous grin right across his face and was clutching a big box. ‘Look, miss – I got the treasure chest!’

  ‘Tony! Well done. How on earth did you manage that?’

  ‘Well, when Mrs Earwigger started fuming and frothing she sent all the children out to the hall, but she forgot all about me because I was still standing in the corner at the back. So I just went to the cupboard and got the treasure chest.’

  ‘Brilliant! What a wonderful day we’ve had. It’s almost home-time, so clear everything away. Don’t forget it’s Dressing-up Day tomorrow. I want to see thirty wonderful pirates. If today was a good day, then tomorrow is going to be fantabu-wonderlasticallytremendiddlyendous!’

  The following morning, Witts End Primary School looked totally different. A crowd of excited children sat in the hall, waiting for assembly, wearing costumes of all kinds, sizes and colours. Michelle had even brought her uncle’s monkey at last, although it wasn’t a real one. It was a rather tattered cloth monkey, with one ear missing. Michelle’s uncle still went to sleep with it at night.

  The only person not in fancy dress was Mrs Earwigger, but instead of wearing a costume the deputy head was wearing something far more unexpected and astonishing – a smile.

  ‘Nice to see her looking cheerful for once,’ the secretary said to Snow White, alias Mrs Patel.

  ‘Yes, I wonder what she’s been up to.’

  Mr Kuddle entered the hall and assembly began. He was dressed up himself, as Widow Twankey, although his bushy moustache was a bit of a give-away. He told the children about the timetable for the day. ‘As you know, it is our Library Opening Day today, and the Mayor has kindly agreed to come along and perform the opening ceremony. I am sure he will be delighted to see such a wonderful display of fancy dress. Don’t forget that there will be prizes for the best costumes. The newspapers are coming too and they will be taking photographs. It is going to be a very exciting morning, so remember to behave well in front of our distinguished visitors and …’

  At that moment the double doors at the rear of the hall burst open and Mrs Earwigger hurried in. She was waving both her arms frantically at Widow Twankey, and Mr Kuddle’s voice trailed away. The deputy head hurried up the length of the hall and then began a long, whispered conversation with Mr Kuddle. He frowned, groaned and raised his eyes heavenwards in complete dismay. Then he turned and faced the children.

  ‘I’m very sorry,’ he began. ‘There has been a bit of a mix-up. Mrs Earwigger says the secretary has just received a telephone call from the Town Hall to say that the Mayor cannot come today because of more important commitments. He’s sorry, but he won’t be able to open the new library after all.’

  The disappointment among the children was huge. A groan went up that would have made the hardest heart weep. Poor Mr Kuddle struggled to think of something that might help to save the situation. He raised a hand for some quiet.

  ‘Don’t forget that we still have our lovely costumes, and the press will still be coming to take photograaa …’

  Mrs Earwigger whispered into the head’s ear once again, and he turned away in despair. This time it was the deputy who spoke to the hall. ‘Since the Mayor is unable to come there really is no point in the press coming to take pictures, so I telephoned the newspaper offices and cancelled their visit. I am very much afraid, children, that nobody is coming here today at all.’

  Violet Pandemonium was watching Mrs Earwigger very carefully, and wondering why the deputy head seemed somehow pleased. Although Mrs Earwigger was looking at the children very seriously, there was something about her that made Violet think she was just acting. Very quietly, she slipped from her chair and hurried down the empty corridor to the secretary’s office.

  ‘Isn’t it awful,’ said the secretary. ‘The children must be so disappointed. I couldn’t believe it when Mrs Earwigger came in and told me that the Mayor had cancelled and she had to cancel the newspapers.’

  Miss Pandemonium took a deep breath. Everything was beginning to make sense. ‘I thought the Mayor had rung you?’ she said to the secretary.

  ‘Oh no.’

  ‘Quick, ring the Town Hall! There’s something fishy going on.’

  The secretary hastily dialled the Town Hall and Miss Pandemonium seized the phone and began firing questions at the poor official at the other end. After several minutes, Violet slammed the phone back down. ‘Mrs Earwigger has made the whole thing up. She rang the Town Hall late yesterday and said that we had to cancel. Now the Mayor has gone off shopping for some new trousers. Mrs Earwigger has made the whole thing up!’

  ‘How could she? I mean, why? What shall we do? The poor children …’ moaned the secretary, but Miss Pandemonium was not going to be defeated.

  ‘You telephone the press and get them back here on the double. I
shall sort out the Mayor!’

  Miss Pandemonium raced back up the corridor and burst into the hall, which was still a scene of doom and gloom. ‘Excuse me, Mr Kuddle,’ cried Violet. ‘Small emergency – must dash – I shall be back very shortly – keep the children in the hall – Samantha, Gary, Mike, Laura, Ravi, Kimberley, you come with me, quick, on the double, come on, and bring your swords!’ And with that Miss Pandemonium and her pirate gang hurried out to her ambulance. A few moments later, with siren blaring and lights flashing, the ambulance was screaming towards the centre of town.

  7 The Pirates Go Kidnapping

  ‘Where are we going, miss?’ asked Ravi, as the ambulance tore up the High Street.

  Just keep your eyes open for the Mayor,’ Miss Pandemonium answered grimly.

  ‘There’s his car!’ Laura shouted suddenly. ‘Look, with the little flag on the front.’

  Miss Pandemonium brought the ambulance to a screeching halt behind the Mayor’s big black limousine. ‘Come on, he must be in the shop. We’ve got to get him back to school as quickly as possible. Raiding party – are you ready?’

  ‘Ready, miss!’

  ‘OK – follow me!’

  Waving their wooden swords ferociously, the pirate gang piled out of the ambulance and burst into the department store, much to the surprise and horror of the customers. ‘He’ll be in the Menswear bit!’ cried Violet, and promptly went dashing up the down escalator the wrong way. The smaller pirates followed on the proper escalator and were at the top long before Violet arrived, puffing and panting.

  Safe in his office, the store manager was on the telephone to the police. ‘Yes,’ he hissed. ‘It’s a raid! They’re disguised as pirates. Quick – for heaven’s sake get up here at once!’

  Up in the Menswear Department the Mayor had found a rather nice pair of trousers and had wandered off to the changing room to try them on.

  ‘There he goes!’ pointed Kimberley. ‘Over there, miss!’

  ‘Come on!’ yelled Samantha and without further ado she dashed across to the changing rooms. As the seven pirates launched their ambush, panic broke out. Several men came running out of the changing rooms clutching half-undone trousers and shirts. The poor Mayor had only just taken off his old pair of trousers when he was set upon by the pirates, whisked off his feet, and carried away, shouting for help and waving his hairy legs in mid-air.

  ‘I want my trousers back! This is outrageous! I am the Mayor – put me down!’

  ‘Quieten down, you scum!’ roared Samantha in her fiercest pirate voice, ‘or I’ll cut off your ears!’

  ‘Ooooh,’ squeaked the Mayor, and he went deathly quiet at once.

  Several staff and customers tried to come to the Mayor’s rescue, rushing upon the kidnappers and attacking them with an array of coat hangers, hat stands, umbrellas and handbags. The pirates, though, had had far more practice in the school playground and easily kept their attackers at bay.

  Once outside, they bundled the Mayor into the ambulance. Miss Pandemonium took off at once, with a squeal of burning rubber and clouds of smoke, closely followed by two wailing police cars, which had just arrived on the scene.

  ‘This is brilliant!’ said Gary, leaning out of the window. ‘I like being a pirate.’

  By the time the ambulance reached the school, the Mayor had managed to get his trousers back on and Miss Pandemonium had explained just what had been going on, and how Mrs Earwigger had tried to trick them all. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘but there was no time to lose. I knew we just had to get you here as quickly as possible. Everyone is still at school, all dressed up and waiting for you to open the library.’

  The Mayor sat next to her in the front, gripping the edge of his seat for safety as Violet flung the ambulance round a corner on two wheels. He gave her a pale, but excited smile. ‘It’s great fun,’ he chuckled. ‘I haven’t enjoyed myself so much for ages. Fancy being kidnapped by ten-year-old pirates! I wish all library-openings were like this! It’s going to make a wonderful newspaper story. Quick, turn left down this alley, it’s a short cut.’

  Screeching into the car park, the ambulance had hardly come to a halt before everyone leapt out and went charging into school. Miss Pandemonium led the way. ‘Leave the talking to me,’ she hissed as they marched into the hall. A sea of expectant little faces watched.

  ‘What’s going on!’ cried Mrs Earwigger. Violet gave her a little smile.

  ‘It’s quite all right, Mrs Earwigger. There has been a little bit of a mix-up. Allow me to introduce the Mayor. He has come to open the library after all.’

  ‘But that’s impossible!’ spluttered the deputy. ‘I shan’t allow it.’ Then, as if to add strength to Mrs Earwigger’s words, the double doors burst open and four policemen charged into the hall.

  ‘Hold it right there!’ yelled Inspector Hole.

  Mr Kuddle, or rather Widow Twankey, stepped forward with a remarkably cheerful smile. ‘What – more fancy dress?’ he began. ‘Isn’t that nice, children? The newspaper reporters have dressed up too.’

  ‘I’m not a reporter, I’m a real policeman!’ screamed Inspector Hole, ‘and you are under arrest for kidnapping, assault, speeding and and and …’

  Inspector Hole suddenly stopped and eyed Mr Kuddle with undisguised horror.

  ‘You’re the headmaster! You’ve got a moustache!’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘You’re wearing a dress!’

  ‘Yes. Can I have a go on your whistle?’

  ‘No, stop it, put my whistle down. Arrest those pirates!’

  The policemen waded in among the children and were about to arrest the pirates when the Mayor came to the rescue. He hastily explained to the inspector that he was at the school to open the library, that it was Dressing-up Day, and so on. Calm began to descend. Only Mrs Earwigger was becoming more and more worked up as she realized her plan was about to fail.

  Just as the deputy was going into her mouth-disappearing act and getting ready to have a minor explosion, a rescue party arrived in the shape of the real reporter and photographer. As soon as the deputy head saw the press cameras, her whole attitude changed and her face beamed a bright smile. She simpered ever so sweetly, patted her hair into place and hurried across the hall. ‘Ah, dear gentlemen of the press – you’ve come to photograph Class Six of course!’

  ‘Well, actually, we haven’t decided what …’

  ‘Of course you want my class,’ insisted Mrs Earwigger. ‘And me too. We are by far the best dressed. Besides, we are the eldest. Come on, my class, on your feet.’

  As Class Six got to their feet the other teachers and children looked desperately at each other. One moment Mrs Earwigger was trying to ruin the show and the next she was hogging the limelight. All eyes turned to Miss Pandemonium. Surely Miss Pandemonium could stop this outrage? But it wasn’t Violet who came to the rescue at all, it was Widow Twankey.

  ‘I think the Music Room would be the best place for a photograph, Mrs Earwigger,’ said Mr Kuddle. ‘It’s nice and quiet in there and the press can take as much time as they want. Follow me, Class Six.’ The head teacher led the children out of the room. When they reached the Music Room door Mr Kuddle turned to Mrs Earwigger. ‘You’d better go in and check that it’s clear,’ he suggested.

  ‘I must say this is a very good idea of yours, Mr Kuddle,’ said the deputy, marching into the Music Room. ‘At least my class won’t be disturbed by those horrible pirates.’

  No sooner was she inside than Mr Kuddle pulled the door shut and locked it. ‘Now,’ he said calmly, ‘let’s all go back to the hall and do what we want to do for a change.’ He led the children back to the hall, ignoring the muffled cries from inside the sound-proofed Music Room.

  After that, the library opening ceremony went very well indeed. The Mayor made a funny speech, invited all the policemen in, and everyone ate cake. The press took so many photographs the school ended up with a double-page spread in the newspaper.

  It was all rath
er enjoyable, but what everyone noticed most of all was how relaxing it was, how jolly everyone felt, how helpful and thoughtful everyone was, now that Mrs Earwigger was shut in the Music Room. ‘I suppose someone ought to let her out,’ said Mrs Patel.

  ‘I’ve lost the key,’ snapped Widow Twankey. After years of putting up with Mrs Earwigger, Mr Kuddle wasn’t going to let her off that easily.

  ‘I’ll save her a piece of cake,’ said Miss Pandemonium quietly.

  As it happened, Mrs Earwigger would have found it difficult to come out even if she had wanted to. Stuck inside the Music Room, she had become desperate to escape, but apart from the locked door the only way out was through a window in the flat roof which was too high for her to reach.

  Looking around, Mrs Earwigger noticed a pile of drums. There were four altogether, starting with a little snare drum and going up to the big bass drum. The deputy reckoned that if she put one drum on top of the other she could climb up, stand on the top and reach the window – and freedom.

  Making the drum-mountain was easy. Climbing up the mountain with her dress hitched up round her knees was a bit more difficult. Balancing on the top of the wobbly mountain while trying to open a window was very difficult indeed. The pile began to quiver and quake, with Mrs Earwigger frantically dancing about on the summit, trying to stay upright – unsuccessfully.

  ‘Aaaaaaargh!’

  With a thunderous crash Mrs Earwigger’s feet disappeared through the top drum. Then her whole body came crashing after her feet, pushing her down inside all four drums, pinning her arms to her sides and leaving her barely able to move.

  And that was how they found her at half-past three after the children had gone home. Mr Kuddle, who by this time had changed back into his normal clothes, found the key and unlocked the Music Room door. He peered inside. ‘Well, it looks as if Mrs Earwigger has decided to come in fancy dress after all.’

  From between the top two drums a tiny chink allowed Mrs Earwigger to peer out helplessly. ‘Out of my way!’ she hissed furiously.