After Thought

by P. A. Crenshaw

  Maddie shot him a look as if to say ‘shut up.’ Claire hit Zach on the arm and gave him a disapproving look as well.

  Zach continued, “Dude, you’ve been out for like twenty-four hours. Now that’s some serious Zs.”

  Zach had a way of lightening up a conversation.

  Twenty-four hours?

  It felt like only moments ago that Adam had prepared to die on the mountain.

  His mom said, “They did surgery on your leg. The doctor says it was a success and everything’s going to be fine. You’ll be up and walking in no time.”

  “They told us it was a miracle that you two survived on the mountain,” his dad chimed in, his voice breaking a little when he said the word “survived.”

  How did they survive? How long were they on the mountain? How were they rescued?

  Adam honestly didn’t know. He had so many questions.

  Mom said, “Do you need anything, sweetie? Let us know if you need pain medicine or something to eat. The doctor is on his way to examine you.”

  As his parents and Zach and Claire continued to talk to him, Adam noticed that Maddie had retreated to the back of the room. She looked sad as she stared straight ahead out the window.

  He had to ask, “Exactly how long were we up on the mountain?”

  Zach glanced at Claire and Maddie, then leaned in and said, “Man, you guys were up there all night! The rescue party didn’t find you until the next day. Both of you were covered in snow. They almost didn’t see you. The doctors said it’s a miracle that you survived the well-below-freezing temperatures. And neither one of you had any frostbite. It’s a damn miracle, bro!”

  Claire chimed in. “We’re all so thankful you made it. The rest of the guys said to tell you ‘hey’ when you woke up, and that they’re pulling for you. They’ll be by to see you later.”

  It certainly must have been a miracle. How else could they have survived?

  And then Adam remembered the warmth enveloping him right before he lost consciousness. Had he been hallucinating?

  “God must’ve been looking out for you,” said Mom. “I was praying for you both all night long, from the moment I got the call that you hadn’t returned to the lodge. The meteorologist said it was a freak storm. They didn’t see it coming until it was too late. It just came out of nowhere. They said a storm like that happens very rarely. And the two of you surviving it was an even rarer occurrence.”

  Her voice broke as she fought back tears. Adam glanced at Maddie. Maybe the recollection of the horrible events was too much for her.

  As Mom, Dad, Zach, and Claire continued on with the conversation, Maddie remained mostly quiet. If someone asked her a question, she would answer, but otherwise she didn’t speak. Maybe it was a self-defense mechanism for post-traumatic stress. Adam didn’t know. He wasn’t a damn shrink, but he could tell something wasn’t quite right.

  After a few hours, everybody left to go get a bite to eat, except for Maddie. Adam was glad she had stayed behind so they could have a private conversation. He wanted to ask her if she could recall anything about the rescue.

  She sat in the chair next to the bed and held his hand. She still had that strained look on her face. It was almost the same look of anguish or sadness that she had on the mountain when she had thought they were going to die.

  Maddie leaned forward and stroked Adam’s hair with her other hand. He wondered why she looked so sad. They had made it to safety. This was a time for happiness and celebration, yet there was that look.

  “That feels good,” he said.

  Her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. As she held his hand and stroked his hair, she looked into his eyes and lowered her voice just above a whisper. “I am so thankful you made it. I thought you were going to die. I had to see for myself that you are okay.”

  “Well we made it, Maddie,” he said, trying to sound cheerful. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

  Why did he feel like he was trying to convince himself of this more than he was trying to convince her? He felt a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t like the way she was looking at him.

  And then she confirmed his apprehension when she said, “Everything is not okay, Adam.”

  Tears ran down her cheeks again.

  What the hell was going on? What was she talking about? His eyes narrowed and his brow creased. She looked so damn sad.

  “You’re not going to understand this, and there’s no way I can ever explain it, but it was my fault that we almost died on the mountain.”

  Adam’s eyes grew wide, incredulous. Had she lost her freakin’ mind?

  “What are you talking about?” he said quietly. “It couldn’t have been your fault. Don’t blame yourself. We made the decisions together. The storm and the avalanche were just occurrences of nature. How could any of that be your fault?”

  She sighed and looked at her hand in his, then back to his eyes.

  “Like I said, I can’t explain it to you. I just know it was because of me that you almost died. And I couldn’t have lived with myself if that had happened. I can’t continue putting you in danger.”

  Was she serious? Adam felt like he was waiting for the punch line. Surely, she must be joking. But this was no joking matter. Maybe she was having a mental breakdown from the traumatic events. Maybe the cold had messed with her head. Or maybe she had hit her head.

  “Maddie, you’re not making any sense,” he said. “You’re not putting me in danger. You bring joy and happiness into my life, but not danger.”

  She stared straight ahead and said, “I know that what I’m telling you doesn’t make sense now—and it probably never will—but it’s for your own good. I want you to always remember that it’s not your fault. I always want you to remember that I meant what I said on the mountain. I do love you with all my heart. And for that very reason, I have to leave you. After today, you won’t see me again.”

  Adam’s eyes widened as his heart froze. Was she breaking up with him? What the hell was she talking about?!

  He couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. He heard the words, but they weren’t making any sense. His eyes searched hers questioningly.

  She leaned over and kissed him so tenderly that he ached for more. He reached to pull her closer to him, but she pulled back suddenly and backed across the room. Tears poured down her face.

  She strained to get the words out as she began to sob. “I hope that someday you can forgive me, Adam. I am so sorry!”

  She turned and ran out of the room. Adam wanted to run after her. Damned cast and all these tubes. He was trapped in the hospital bed.

  He called out at the top of his voice, “Wait, Maddie! Come back! What are you doing? It wasn’t your fault! Damn it, Maddie!”

  But she didn’t come back. He frantically scanned the room and tried to figure out how to get unhooked from all of the tubes. He spotted his cell phone on the side table next to the bed. Someone must have left it for him. In a desperate attempt, he grabbed it and called her. She didn’t answer. He slammed the phone down and raked both hands through his hair. He felt an indescribable pain in his chest and wanted to scream, but he couldn’t breathe. He thrashed around and tried to get out of the bed and pull the tubes out of his arm. The nurses ran into the room and restrained him. They put something in his IV that they said would ‘calm you down.’ Very soon afterward, he drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter 16

  When Adam awoke again, he tried to convince himself that it had all been a terrible nightmare and that Maddie had just gone to get something to eat.

  She will be back soon, he told himself.

  Visitors came and went. Nurses checked his vital signs every two hours. Doctors did rounds. Meals were delivered and left uneaten. No sign of Maddie. He didn’t tell anyone about his final encounter with Maddie because he still held out hope she wou
ld change her mind the way she had after freaking out on their first date.

  That night he tried to stay up all night, hoping she would change her mind and call, text, or come back. She never did. The remainder of his time in the hospital was more of the same—still no word from Maddie. His life had turned into a living nightmare.

  Adam was crushed. When Maddie left him, it was as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest. How could she have done this to him? Why would she leave him when he needed her most?

  Try as he might, he couldn’t make sense of her final words to him as he mulled them over again and again…I do love you with all my heart. And for that very reason, I have to leave you. After today, you won’t see me again.

  He held on to hope for three or four days after she left, but it soon became apparent that his hope was in vain. He sank into a deep depression.

  On the day of Adam’s discharge, Zach and Claire offered to drive him home and help him get settled. Claire stuffed pillows behind his back while Zach situated his casted leg on the ottoman. Once everything was situated, Zach sat down on the edge of the ottoman, careful not to disturb Adam’s leg, and blurted out, “Okay man, spill it. Don’t think we haven’t noticed that Maddie is MIA. And you’ve been moping around like someone knocked you sideways. What’s going on?”

  Claire shot Zach a disapproving look but said nothing.

  Adam sighed, slouched down farther into the couch, and raked his hand across his face.

  “Zach, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You don’t have to tell us,” said Claire.

  “Oh, hell, he doesn’t,” retorted Zach. “I’m his best friend. We tell each other things. I’ve given him enough space. Now he needs to talk about the elephant in the room.”

  Claire glared at Zach and then looked at Adam apologetically. Adam sighed loudly again and rolled his eyes as he raked his fingers through his unkempt hair.

  “Fine,” he said. “I’ll tell you. But first, get me a beer.”

  “Aren’t you on painkillers?” asked Claire.

  Adam shook his head and said, “Only prescription-strength ibuprofen, as needed. I’ll be fine.”

  Zach shrugged and headed to the kitchen. Claire followed closely behind. Adam could hear their whispered arguing. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he honestly didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything.

  They eventually returned with three beers, each kept one and Zach handed Adam the third.

  Adam grabbed the beer without a word of thanks, popped the top, and proceeded to chug it down in less than thirty seconds. He then proceeded to release a rather large belch as he pointed at Zach’s beer and said, “Are you going to drink that?”

  Stunned, Zach and Claire looked at each other quizzically as Adam yanked the beer from Zach’s hand and chugged that one down as well.

  “Damn, man,” said Zach. “That’s enough beer for you for now. Now get on with the story.”

  Adam belched even louder and said dejectedly, “What’s there to tell? You’ve already figured out that we broke up. What more do you want me to say?”

  He couldn’t bring himself to even say her name. He wished Claire would quit with the look of pity.

  “What happened?” asked Claire softly.

  “She had to leave,” said Adam as he stared blankly ahead. “We were having a great day skiing before the accident and the next thing I know she tells me she’s sorry but she has to leave.”

  “What a flake,” said Zach angrily.

  “Zach!” reprimanded Claire. “Please stop.”

  Zach stared at her, aggravated.

  “Why did she have to leave?” said Claire.

  “She had to leave on a work assignment,” Adam lied. “She didn’t know how long she would be gone so she thought it would be better if we broke up.”

  He didn’t want tell the real reasons she gave for leaving because he didn’t want them to think she was crazy, although he was beginning to wonder if she was.

  “She couldn’t even fuckin’ wait until you got out of the hospital?” spat Zach. “Her job is more important than you? How selfish is that?!”

  Adam cringed. Zach was his best friend, after all, so of course he would side with Adam. He didn’t respond. Instead, he stared straight ahead. He realized that maybe he should’ve thought of a better lie. He could have said her father was ill and she had to leave to be his caretaker. That would have been more palatable. As upset as he was about Maddie leaving, he still loved her and felt the need to protect her reputation. Even so, a small part of him sided with Zach and felt she deserved whatever was coming to her.

  “If she ever shows her face here again, I’m going to give her a piece of my mind,” said Zach.

  Adam stared straight ahead.

  “Babe, maybe we should let Adam rest for a while,” said Claire as she rested her hand on his shoulder.

  Zach looked as if he wanted to say more, but he took Claire’s hint and nodded.

  Claire said, “Adam, we’ll be back to check on you tomorrow. Call us if you need anything.”

  Adam nodded but didn’t look at them.

  Zach patted him on the back and said, “Try to get some rest, man. We’re here for you if you need us. I’m just glad you’re home and on the mend. You had us all really worried for a while there.”

  Adam looked at them both and said, “I appreciate it. I really do.”

  They both hugged him before they walked out and left him to wallow in his sadness alone.

  Chapter 17

  Adam found it difficult to resume his life—life before Maddie. He couldn’t muster up the will to do anything. All he wanted to do was lie in his bed and feel sorry for himself. The pain in his chest never let up, and he knew that he would never learn to live with it. Zach assured Adam that the pain would subside over time, but Adam doubted it. How could Zach know? He had never lost someone so dear to him.

  Zach and Claire dragged Adam to his physical therapy appointments so he could slowly learn to walk on his badly injured leg again. Adam figured that he didn’t really need to learn to walk again since he never planned to get out of bed again. He didn’t try very hard, which he knew frustrated everyone.

  With Zach’s prodding, Adam started going back to rehearsals and performances with the cast on his leg, but he wasn’t into it anymore. He couldn’t find the joy in it. He didn’t want to go out, or hang out, or see people. A part of him was gone, and he was permanently changed.

  The nights were the worst. Almost every night Adam awoke from the same nightmare. He was tumbling down a mountain in the snow. It was almost as if he could actually feel the bitter cold and the centrifugal force spinning him over and over as he screamed Maddie’s name. When he awoke, he found himself breathing heavily, as if he had just run a marathon, and sweating profusely. His heart would be pounding in his chest, and then the recollection would begin. The feelings of despair, loneliness, and loss would return, along with the realization that she was really gone. His wounds were reopened every night when he mentally relived his final conversation with Maddie. He would analyze every sentence and dissect each one into pieces that he hoped would make sense someday. It was unbearable.

  Maddie had said he would never understand, and she was right. Adam wished he had been bold enough to ask her more about her past when he’d had the chance. He wondered what had happened in her life before he knew her.

  What had gone on with this girl?

  Adam was fairly certain she must have suffered some traumatic event, or events. But he had tried to remain respectful of her privacy and believed that when she was ready, she would confide in him. Whatever dark secrets she held, she never shared them with him.

  Over the next four weeks, the pain and hurt gradually developed into anger and frustration. His only remaining link to Maddie, her cell phone, was disconnecte
d. When she said Adam would never see her again, she apparently meant it. She disappeared without a trace. He never saw her move anything out of her apartment, so he assumed her belongings were still in there. He also never saw her—or anyone else, for that matter—go in or out of her apartment. He wondered where she was living. Did she have another home that he had never known about?

  It appeared her mailbox had grown full because he could see pieces of mail protruding from the slot. He thought about taking the mail and saving it for her, but he couldn’t bring himself to touch it. If she did have another home, she certainly didn’t bother to have the mail forwarded to it. Maybe she thought Adam would somehow be able to track her down if she had left a forwarding address.

  Adam tried to go on with his life. He tried to get over the pain. He tried to forgive her. But he couldn’t. She had hurt him deeply, and he resented her for that. He was angry that she had left him just when they were about to make a breakthrough in their relationship. She left at the point when he thought they were closer than they had ever been. If she had truly loved him, how could she have turned her back on him? He would have never done that to her. If she had loved him, how could she put him through this pain?

  As the level of his anger and resentment escalated, his will to live declined. He wondered if he would ever be able to forget her and pull himself out of his paralyzing depression.

  Chapter 18

  About eight weeks after Adam got out of the hospital, his leg was healing nicely and he had graduated to a walking cast so he could walk without crutches. This made it much easier for him to resume rehearsals and performances with the band.

  On this particular Friday night, Night Fury’s normal gig had been canceled because some VIP had reserved the club for a private party, and they were bringing in their own band. The rest of the band members had decided to hang out at a different club that night. It wasn’t often that they got to go out and be the ones in the crowd these days since they were always working nights and weekends. They had asked Adam to join them, but he wasn’t feeling up to it. All he felt like doing was staying home alone and being miserable.