The Hidden Room

by C S Joseph

  The hard part was later, when Arthur and I were alone in our bed. He had removed his trousers and pulled up my nightdress. I laid there, as he entered me and pumped his hips a few times. His body stiffened, and he withdrew. He kissed me and rolled over and fell asleep. I laid there and tried not to cry. The burning pain that radiated from my core subsided over the course of the night. I had completed my newest duty as a wife.

  I closed my eyes and saw Emma. I knew that she would have treated me with gentle hands. I imagined what it would have been like, if I had been able to be with her. Her long fingers touching my body and caressing my face before she touched me down there. The pain eased, and I felt a need. I reached down and slowly touched myself and imagined Emma touching me. I felt heat collect, and I felt pleasure I have never felt before. I began to rub quicker, as I imagined Emma’s own body pressed against me. Her lips peppering kisses along my jaw. Soon, I felt myself nearing a cliff. I continued my ministrations until I felt an explosion of intense release. I lay there and saw Emma’s beautiful face looking back at me with a smile. I was able to fall asleep.

  The next morning, I awoke with Arthur on top of me. I closed my eyes and attempted to remember what I had imagined the night before. He lasted longer the second time. It was almost enjoyable when I had Emma’s body in my mind. Again, he was spent and got out of bed. He told me that we would be leaving for our new house soon. There was to have been a week before we would be moving. He gushed over how wonderful it felt to finally be intimate with me. It was better than he could have imagined. He asked if I felt the same way.

  He was asking me if this newest facet of our relationship was enjoyable. I didn’t think that he wanted the truth. All I could manage was to be agreeable. He walked back to the bed and pulled my night dress over my head and looked at my naked body. I felt as if I was being appraised. I saw his own nightshirt begin to stir; the material seemed to move outward.

  He asked me if it would be possible to get back into bed. I did not. I looked at him and he looked hopeful. I nodded and imagined Emma was with me instead. He smiled and climbed back into the bed. He settled his hips between my legs and began to kiss me. Emma. Kiss. Emma. Kissing. Emma. Tongue. Emma. Soon, I started to feel warmth between my legs, and I felt as if I might actually enjoy this reprise, since I felt properly ready. As he entered me, I bit my lip to not cry out Emma’s name. I realized that if I keep my eyes closed, I can see her and make it through this ordeal whenever it is required.

  I didn’t realize that he meant that we were leaving for the new house today. We were in the carriage for quite a long time. With the driver outside, and Arthur and I alone inside, Arthur was quite insistent on touching me whenever he wanted. I allowed it. Isn’t that what a wife does? Allow her husband free rein of her body? I pray that this is short lived and the novelty will wane. Perhaps he will not be so enamored of me over time.

  The carriage finally stopped. I looked out the side and stepped out. A grand and beautiful home rose tall from the ground. I climbed the front steps and stood on the porch, with Arthur beside me. The front door opened, and before me were Emma and her mother. My heart fluttered excitedly. This was the first time I had seen her since they left for the house a few days ago. She was stunning. I wanted to reach out and grab her around the neck and kiss her. I stopped myself and looked at Arthur. I looked back to Emma and was suddenly embarrassed, as I remembered what I had thought about when I was with my new husband. Emma does not know of my feelings for her. I am quite positive that she would think them unnatural.

  Her mother stepped forward and held me tightly. She whispered in my ear how happy for me she was. That is her way of telling me that she loves me. She has always treated me more like a daughter than someone she serves. I hugged her back and squeezed to convey that I feel the same. I love her very much as well. I stood back from her, and she pulled Arthur into a hug as well. He seemed taken aback by the gesture. I could see concern hidden behind Emma’s smile. She reached out and pulled me to her. Her arms around me felt as if I had just come home. I closed my eyes and let her hold me. I think I must have imagined it, but I could swear I felt her lips press against my neck.

  I stepped back in a daze, and the corner of her mouth turned upward as her head tilted just a little. We walked inside, and we followed Arthur as he proudly displayed every detail of the house. It was quite beautiful. The bright, white paint almost glittered as the sunlight shone through the windows. I saw a beautiful fireplace and my parlor furniture set perfectly in the room. I looked at him quite surprised. My father’s furniture! I thought he had gotten rid of everything.

  He was excited, as he told me that the entire house was designed for me. He used his visits to my house to find out what kind of style I was used to living in. He designed the central entry stair, because I had once mentioned that I wished that the entry to my house was much larger with a curved stair. As we walked around, he showed me a door and explained that he has one request. On the other side of that door were stairs leading to an office. No one in the house was to ever enter this room.

  I told him how grateful I was. He continued showing me each room until we reached our bedroom. Mrs. Hartley excused herself to start preparations for dinner. Emma also excused herself. I walked inside and looked around. He really made me feel quite welcome in our home. I kissed him to show how grateful I felt.

  There was some noise downstairs. Mrs. Hartley was finding her way around the kitchen. He told me that he was leaving for the entire afternoon and would return before dinner was to be served.

  I asked why he was leaving. He stopped and returned. He wrapped his arms around my waist. He pressed his hips into me and reminded me that we would be together for the night. I don’t think I realized that being intimate with one’s husband happened so often. He kissed me and left the room. I tried to control the nausea I felt crawling up the back of my throat. I looked around the room. There were new pieces of furniture and a small table that was from my room back at home. Well, back in my father’s home.

  I heard a small knock at the door. Emma’s face appeared, as the door slowly opened. I smiled at her and beckoned her in. She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. She looked everywhere in the room but not at me. I thought she could not look at me the same way she did before. I felt my stomach sink. I asked, though I was terrified of her answer. Her eyes shot up and caught mine.

  She told me that she would never think ill of me and that she missed me greatly. Her words made me feel a little better, but her smile lit up my world. She confessed that she was worried I was angry with her because I was now a married woman. It was actually quite difficult for me to see her once I arrived at the house. I was embarrassed at having slept with my new husband. I felt like I had betrayed her somehow.

  She had noticed the coldness coming from me. She sighed and asked me why I behaved that way. I told her not to be a silly girl. She stiffened and seemed to look for a way out of the room. I looked at the pain on her face for a moment and apologized.

  I asked if she could forgive me, almost too hopeful. She looked around the room and refused to meet my eyes. I started to worry. I didn’t want to get married and change our friendship too. I walked closer to her and cupped her face and forced her to look at me. I told her to look at me, because I couldn’t bear it if she hated me.

  She made a hard line with her lips and her jaw. I saw tears form in her eyes. Her lips began to quiver. My stomach turned. This was worse than I had imagined.

  “You should have been mine,” she whispered so soft I barely heard. I felt an explosion in my chest, and I began to shake. Maybe I’d misunderstood. Only heard what I wanted to hear. I closed my eyes, and said her name quietly.

  She immediately apologized and told me how improper it was for her to feel the way that she does. She offered to leave and go back to Portland. She begged me to allow her mother to stay. She attempted to pull away from me.

  I couldn’t speak anymore, I could only act. I pul
led her face to my own and kissed her. I wasn’t sure what caused my hands and lips to act in that manner, but I suddenly felt as if I were floating. I vaguely felt arms wrap around me, as our kiss began to deepen. I could not believe that it was happening. It must have been a dream. I wrapped my arms around her neck and pressed my lips to hers, as she opened her mouth and lightly licked my tongue. The sensation was the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt in my life. She was so gentle. She was so completely different than Arthur, who was rough and dominating. This felt more like a beautiful dance where we are both giving and taking equally. Slowly, I felt her pull away from me. I opened my eyes in protest.

  I was feeling quite out of breath. She looked at me. We both smiled. Suddenly, I felt I needed to confess. I told her that I thought of her every time Arthur was on me. I told her that I wished it was her touching me. She tensed and told me that she’d wanted to be braver and tell me how much she loved me. She was scared that I would send her away.

  I told her to kiss me. I needed her to kiss me right then and there, and she did. She kissed me and held me as we stood in my new bedroom. After a few moments, she pulled away. She comforted me and told me that we would figure all of this out together. She had to help her mother with dinner. I knew that she needed some space to think about what happened. I nodded with tears in my eyes. She turned to walk away, and I grabbed her hand and pressed my lips to the back of it. She smiled at me and turned to go downstairs.

  I called out to her and told her that he is going away for a long time; we will be here alone. I could tell, as she paused at the door, that she was smiling. She left me there feeling completely different than when Arthur had left me earlier. I felt hopeful and happy. For the first time in months, I felt as if things were finally looking up.

  March 2, 1919

  I woke up this morning and ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach again. I have been sick for the past few weeks. Emma followed me into the room and rubbed my back lovingly. Arthur has been gone for two months. The last letter we received said that he would be a few more weeks. Emma and I have slept next to one another in our bed ever since he left. We made love for the first time a few weeks ago. I have been waking up to a rage in my stomach ever since. I worry that I have upset God by giving into my feelings for Emma.

  The punishment is bearable. I love her enough to take the torture for the both of us. After I cleaned myself up, we returned to bed. She held me tightly as my head lay on her chest. She rubbed my back again and lightly kissed my head, before she told me that we need to go to town. I don’t want to see a doctor. I want to allow God’s punishment. Emma said she thinks I may be pregnant. I sat up and looked at her in shock.

  I can’t be pregnant.

  Emma and I spend each day together. We wake up with the sun and go for a long walk around the property. We imagine it is our own secret forest. We walk amongst tall pine trees and make our way across the meadow and up the rock cropping. When we followed the creek, we found the most beautiful waterfall. This has become our special spot. Emma climbed around the side and found a cavern behind the falls. We’ve started bringing blankets with us, to lie together looking through the water and talking about our life together. Once the weather warms, we intend to add swimming to our daily routine.

  The churning in my stomach grew again. When I was finished, she looked at me with her beautiful, brown eyes. She reiterated her suspicion of pregnancy. She leaned forward and kissed me. I grabbed her neck and pulled her into my lips. I ask for her to touch me, and she put her hand on my bare leg, slowly dragging it up to my hip. I rolled into her. I am taken away and briefly forget my panic about having a baby, while Emma’s fingers are deftly filling me. We temporarily lost ourselves to a glorious utopia of want, need, and desire.

  After breakfast, Emma accompanied me in the carriage into town. We met with the doctor. He confirmed that I am, indeed, pregnant. I am going to have Arthur’s baby. My whole world is turning upside down again. The only thing that kept my feet on the ground was Emma holding my hand the entire time he spoke about how I was to act during my pregnancy. In the carriage, heading back to the house, she held me close and sang to me. I leaned my head on her shoulder. She told me that this will be our baby. I laughed. We rode the rest of the way home in silence. Pregnant. Married. Carrying on an unnatural affair with my best friend. How did my life take this unfortunate turn?

  Chapter Ten

  Reese walked into the dining room to find Julia freshly showered, wearing pajama bottoms and a shirt, and sitting at the table. She stroked Julia’s dark hair on the way to her newly placed China cabinet, and pulled out two wine glasses. Julia stood up and took the glasses, so that Reese could open the bottle of wine she’d placed on the table earlier. “Zachary is finally asleep.” She said as she twisted the corkscrew.

  “We had a good training session today. His throw is stronger. I think he’ll be a great pitcher. The best part was that it was the first time all week that he didn’t talk about how you and I should just be together already.” She laughed half-heartedly. “He is relentless, and I am having trouble coming up with good excuses as to why we shouldn’t be.” Julia was looking at her expectantly.

  Reese pulled the cork out of the bottle. She laid it sideways on top of the neatly cut foil lid. Lifting the bottle, she held a glass and began to pour the pinot noir. This was the first chance they’d had to relax together. She looked up at Julia, then poured the second glass. With delicate fingers wrapped around her own, she sat in the chair across from the one Julia was occupying. She watched the crimson liquid swirl around for a moment and contemplated what she should say. “I am still married.”

  Julia nodded and picked up her own glass. “I know. You tell me that you love me, but you say you have to stay married for Zachary.”

  “I do!”

  “He doesn’t want you to stay married. You keep coming up with reasons why you should. The reality is that you’re scared. How do you deflect this so well?”

  Reese knew that she was a master of deflection. Especially since it was difficult for her to tell a lie. Deflecting was the best way for her to avoid a shame spiral. Julia’s words carried a hurtful sting. Reese felt judged and criticized. She wanted to defend herself. She was not scared.

  Truth dawned quietly. She agreed with Julia; there was fear. She had a son, a mother, and a husband, who would all be affected by any choice she made. Even though she wasn’t close to her mother, Reese had concern about what her mother would think if she started a romantic relationship with a woman. Going through a divorce sounded like an awful life event, when any friends had gone through one. The biggest fear was her belief that romance would ruin their friendship. If she pursued Julia romantically, she would eventually lose her friend. She preferred they stayed friends, even if they pushed the envelope a bit. She realized her silence was probably creating the fear in Julia’s expression. She took a deep breath and decided to be honest.

  “When we are alone at night, I want nothing more than to call an attorney and tell them to draw up papers. When I stand behind you while you work so hard making this room as beautiful as you have made it, I want nothing more than for you to take me into your arms, beaming with pride. When you are sitting in Zachary’s room helping him with his homework, all I can see is that we are a family. In those moments, I feel complete and happy. Then, I get a phone call from Aiden. He tells me how much he misses me and loves me. How Zachary and I are his world. I feel guilty and horrible for falling in love with someone else.” She stared into her wine glass, not daring to look at Julia.

  Julia watched her for a moment, sadness weighing down the features of her small face. “Why haven’t you ever told me this before? I would have—”

  “Would have what? Not been attracted to me? Not come here? No, Julia. This is my cross to bear.”

  “No. I would have felt less inclined to tell you how I feel about you. I would not have added pressure in your life. You really are my friend. I don’t want you to feel li
ke this. I don’t ever want to be a reason that you feel…hopeless.”

  “You don’t make me feel hopeless. You make me happy.” Reese poured the last of the wine into her large glass. “It’s late. We should go to bed.” She finished the glass quickly and set it on the table. She got up from the chair, grabbed Julia’s hand, and pulled her upstairs into her bedroom. After she closed the door, she stood looking at Julia.

  As Julia walked by her, Reese reached out and grabbed her elbow. “Thank you for listening to me tonight.”

  Julia nodded.

  “And thank you for working on the dining room. It looks amazing.”

  “We’ll get started on the living room tomorrow. It’s bigger, so it will take a bit longer. The fireplace will be tricky. We should finish it before I leave.”

  Reese nodded and got under the covers beside Julia. Once she was settled, the two women faced each other. Reese cupped Julia’s cheek. She leaned forward and kissed her. She wanted to press the envelope a little now. The kiss was slow and gentle and conveyed the depth of emotion from their earlier conversation. The kissing lasted several minutes.

  “Reese.” Julia’s warning tone was designed to keep them both in check.

  “I know,” Reese whispered, “You make it so easy to let go.”

  Julia smiled. “Sometimes morals really…suck.”

  With a sigh, Reese rolled over and turned off the lamp. She enjoyed a few small kisses from Julia on the exposed areas of her neck and shoulders, before she snuggled in and they both fell asleep.

  †

  The next morning, Reese was awakened by a slow, warm kiss to the back of her neck. She felt Julia’s body still pressed against her. It was the first morning that Julia was still holding her when they awakened. Reese smiled and remained still, not wanting Julia to realize she was awake. When Julia got out of bed and left the room, Reese missed her. She wanted to spend the rest of the day in bed with her. She thought briefly about Clara. Reese was becoming quite jealous of the woman. She was able to kiss her love. She was able to make love to Emma. Reese was happy for the two of them. Especially, knowing it must have been very difficult to overcome the cultural stigmas of their time At the cusp of the twenties, men wanted to come home to domesticated women, while those same women were holding on to the independence they’d gained during the war years. Even when the twenties began to roar, homosexuality would only be tolerated for entertainment’s sake.