WALTER They’re a lot of villains, the lot of them.
ANNIE They don’t care for the old.
MILLY Still, you’ve still got plenty of energy left in you, Mr Solto.
SOLTO Plenty of what?
MILLY Energy.
SOLTO Energy? You should have seen me in the outback, in Australia. I was the man who opened up the Northern Territory for them out there.
MILLY It’s a wonder you never got married, Mr Solto.
SOLTO I’ve always been a lone wolf. The first time I was seduced, I said to myself, Solto, watch your step, mind how you go, go so far but no further. If they want to seduce you, let them seduce you, but marry them? Out of the question.
WALTER Where was that, in Australia or Greece?
SOLTO Australia.
WALTER How did you get to Australia from Greece?
SOLTO By sea. How do you think? I worked my passage. And what a trip. I was only a pubescent. I killed a man with my own hands, a six-foot-ten Lascar from Madagascar.
ANNIE From Madagascar?
SOLTO Sure. A Lascar.
MILLY Alaska?
SOLTO Madagascar.
Pause.
WALTER It’s happened before.
SOLTO And it’ll happen again.
MILLY Have another piece of swiss roll, Mr Solto.
ANNIE I bet you some woman could have made you a good wife.
SOLTO If I wanted to get married, I could clinch it tomorrow – like that! But I’m like Wally; I’m a lone wolf.
WALTER How’s the scrap business, Mr Solto?
SOLTO Ssshh! That’s the same question the tax inspector asked me. I told him I retired years ago. He says to me, ‘Why don’t you fill out your income tax returns? Why don’t you fill out all the forms we send you?’ I said, I got no income tax to declare, that’s why. ‘You’re the only man in the district who won’t fill out his forms,’ he says. ‘You want to go to prison?’ Prison, I said, a man like me, a clean-living old man like me, a man who discovered Don Bradman, it’s a national disgrace! ‘Fill out your forms,’ he says. ‘There’ll be no trouble. Listen! I said if you want me to fill out these forms, if you want me to go through all that clerical work, all right, pay me a small sum, pay me for my trouble. Pay me to do it. Otherwise fill them out yourself, leave me alone. Three hundred and fifty-five nicker? They got a fat chance.
ANNIE A good wife wouldn’t have done you no harm. She’d fill out your forms – for you.
SOLTO That’s what I’m afraid of.
MILLY Have a custard tart, Mr Solto.
ANNIE He’s still got a good appetite.
SOLTO I’ve been saving it up since I last come here.
WALTER Why, when were you last here, Mr Solto?
MILLY It was just after you went inside.
SOLTO I brought round some daffodils.
ANNIE Nine months ago, he remembers.
SOLTO How’re they doing?
ANNIE What?
SOLTO The daffodils.
ANNIE Oh, they died.
SOLTO Go on. (Eats.)
WALTER So you don’t know about the lodger?
SOLTO Lodger?
WALTER Yes, we’ve got a lodger now.
MILLY She’s a school teacher.
SOLTO A school teacher, eh? Hmm. Where does she sleep? On the put-u-up?
WALTER My aunts gave her my room.
MILLY Come on. Annie, help me clear the table.
SOLTO The lady who first seduced me, in Australia – she kicked her own husband out and gave me his room. I bumped into him years later making a speech at Marble Arch. It wasn’t a bad speech, it so happens.
MILLY (stacking plates) Why don’t you lend Wally a few pound, Mr Solto?
SOLTO Me?
ANNIE Yes, why don’t you?
MILLY You could help to set him up.
SOLTO Why don’t you go to the Prisoners Help Society. They’ll give you a loan. I mean, you’ve done two stretches, you must have a few good references.
WALTER You wouldn’t miss two hundred quid.
SOLTO Two hundred here, three fifty-five there – what do you think I am, a bank manager?
MILLY You can’t take it with you, Mr Solto.
WALTER He wants to be the richest man in the cemetery.
ANNIE It won’t do you much good where you’re going, Mr Solto.
SOLTO Who’s going anywhere?
MILLY Come on, Annabel.
ANNIE There’s one rock cake left, Mr Solto.
SOLTO I’ll tell you what,
ANNIE Keep the rock cake.
MILLY Annabel.
ANNIE and MILLY go out with plates.
SOLTO I wish I could give you a helping hand, Wally. Honest. But things are very tight. I had six cross doubles the other day. Three came home. Number four developed rheumatism at the last hurdle. I went without food for two days.
WALTER I could do with a lift up. I’m thinking of going straight.
SOLTO Why? You getting tired of a life of crime?
WALTER I’m not good enough. I get caught too many times. I’m not clever enough.
SOLTO You’re still on the post-office books?
WALTER Yes.
SOLTO It’s a mug’s game. I’ve told you before. If you want to be a forger you’ve got to have a gift. It’s got to come from the heart.
WALTER I’m not a good enough forger.
SOLTO You’re a terrible forger.
WALTER That’s why I’m always getting caught.
SOLTO I’m a better forger than you any day. And I don’t forge.
WALTER I haven’t got the gift.
SOLTO A forger’s got to love his work. You don’t love your work, that’s your trouble, Walter.
WALTER If you lent me two hundred quid I could go straight.
SOLTO I’m an old-age pensioner, Wally. What are you talking about?
WALTER If only I could get my room back! I could get settled in, I could think, about things!
SOLTO Why, who’s this school teacher, then? What’s the game?
WALTER (casually) Listen, I want to show you something.
SOLTO What?
WALTER This photo.
SOLTO Who’s this?
WALTER A girl … I want to find.
SOLTO Who is she?
WALTER That’s what I want to find out.
SOLTO We were just talking about forging, about your room, about the school teacher. What’s this got to do with it?
WALTER This is a club, isn’t it, in the photo?
SOLTO Sure.
WALTER And that girl’s a hostess, isn’t she?
SOLTO Sure.
WALTER Can you locate her?
SOLTO Me?
Pause.
WALTER Do you know any of these men – these men with her?
SOLTO O-oh, one of them … looks familiar.
WALTER Find that girl for me. It’s important. As a favour. You’re the only man I know who could find her. You know these clubs.
SOLTO Do you know the girl?
Pause.
WALTER No.
SOLTO Well, where’d you get hold of the photo?
WALTER I got hold of it.
SOLTO What have you done? Fallen in love with a photo?
WALTER Sure. That’s right.
SOLTO Yes … A very attractive girl. A lovely girl. All right, Wally. I’ll try to find her for you.
WALTER Thanks.
Front door slams.
Footsteps up the stairs.
SOLTO Who’s that?
WALTER That’s our lodger. The school teacher.
Fade out.
Fade in.
MILLY I don’t want the milk hot, I want it cold.
ANNIE It is cold.
MILLY I thought you warmed it up.
ANNIE I did. The time I got up here it’s gone cold.
MILLY You should have kept it in the pan. If you’d brought it up in the pan it would have still been hot.
ANNIE I thought you s
aid you didn’t want it hot.
MILLY I don’t want it hot.
ANNIE Well, that’s why I’m saying it’s cold.
MILLY I know that. But if I had wanted it hot. That’s all I’m saying. (She sips the milk.) It could be colder.
ANNIE Do you want a piece of anchovy or a doughnut.
MILLY I’ll have the anchovy. What are you going to have?
ANNIE I’m going downstairs, to have a doughnut.
MILLY You can have this one.
ANNIE No, I’ve got one downstairs. You can have it after the anchovy.
MILLY Why don’t you have the anchovy?
ANNIE You know what I wouldn’t mind? I wouldn’t mind a few pilchards.
MILLY Herring. A nice bit of herring, that’s what I could do with.
ANNIE A few pilchards with a drop of vinegar. And a plate of chocolate mousse to go after it.
MILLY Chocolate mousse?
ANNIE Don’t you remember when we had chocolate mousse at Clacton?
MILLY Chocolate mousse wouldn’t go with herrings.
ANNIE I’m not having herrings. I’m having pilchards.
Noise of steps upstairs.
Listen.
ANNIE turns the door-handle, listens.
WALTER knocks on SALLY’s door.
SALLY Yes?
WALTER It’s me.
SALLY Just a moment. Come in.
Door opens.
WALTER How are you?
SALLY I’m fine.
Door closes.
ANNIE He’s in.
MILLY What do you mean, he’s in?
ANNIE He’s gone in.
MILLY Gone in where, Annie?
ANNIE Into her room.
MILLY His room.
ANNIE His room.
MILLY He’s gone in?
ANNIE Yes.
MILLY Is she in there?
ANNIE Yes.
MILLY So he’s in there with her.
ANNIE Yes.
MILLY Go out and have a listen.
ANNIE goes out of the door and down the landing to SALLY’s door, where she stops.
We hear the following dialogue from her point of view.
WALTER Let’s have some of this. I’ve brought it for you.
SALLY What is it?
WALTER Brandy.
SALLY What is this in aid of?
WALTER Well, I thought we might as well get to know each other, both living in the same house.
SALLY Yes, why not?
WALTER Do you drink?
SALLY Oh, not really.
WALTER Just one or two now and again, eh?
SALLY Very occasionally.
WALTER But you’ll have a drop of this?
SALLY Just a drop … Glasses …
WALTER I’ve got them.
SALLY All prepared, eh?
He opens the bottle and pours.
WALTER Cheers.
SALLY Good health.
WALTER I wanted to say … I was a bit rude yesterday. I wanted to apologise.
SALLY You weren’t rude.
WALTER It’ll just take a bit of getting used to, that’s all, you having my room.
SALLY Well, look, I’ve been thinking … perhaps we could share the room, in – in a kind of way.
WALTER Share it?
SALLY I mean, you could use it when I’m not here, or something.
WALTER Oh, I don’t know about that.
SALLY It’d be quite easy. I’m at school all day.
WALTER What about the evenings?
SALLY Well, I’m out three nights a week, you see.
WALTER Where do you go?
SALLY Oh, night school. I’m studying languages. Then I usually go on with a girl friend of mine, a history teacher, to listen to some music.
WALTER What kind of music?
SALLY Mozart, Brahms. That kind of stuff.
WALTER Oh, all that kind of stuff.
SALLY Yes.
Pause.
WALTER Well, it’s cosy in here. Have another one.
SALLY Oh, I …
WALTER (pouring) Just one.
SALLY Thanks. Cheers.
Pause.
WALTER I’ve never been in this room with a lady before.
SALLY Oh.
WALTER The boys used to come here, though. This is where we used to plan our armed robberies.
SALLY Really?
WALTER My aunts never told you why I’ve been inside, have they?
SALLY No.
WALTER Well, what it is, you see. I’m a gunman.
SALLY Oh.
WALTER Ever met a gunman before?
SALLY I don’t think so.
WALTER It’s not a bad life, all things considered. Plenty of time off. You know, holidays with pay, you could say. No, there’s plenty of worse occupations. You’re not frightened of me now you know I’m a gunman, are you?
SALLY No, I think you’re charming.
WALTER Oh, you’re right there. That’s why I got on so well in prison, you see. Charm. You know what I was doing in there? I was running the prison library. I was the best librarian they ever had. The day I left the Governor gave me a personal send-off. Saw me all the way to the gate. He told me business at the library had shot up out of all recognition since I’d been in charge.
SALLY What a wonderful compliment.
WALTER (pouring more drink) He told me that if I’d consider giving up armed robbery he’d recommend me for a job in the British Museum. Looking after rare manuscripts. You know, writing my opinion of them.
SALLY I should think that’s quite a skilled job.
WALTER Cheers. Skilled? Well, funny enough, I’ve had a good bit to do with rare manuscripts in my time. I used to know a bloke who ran a business digging them up.
SALLY Digging what up?
WALTER Rare manuscripts. Out of tombs. I used to give him a helping hand when I was on the loose. Very well paid it was, too. You see, they were nearly always attached to a corpse, these manuscripts, you had to lift up the pelvis bone with a pair of tweezers. Big tweezers. Can’t leave fingerprints on a corpse, you see. Canon law. The biggest shock I ever had was when a skeleton collapsed on top of me and nearly bit my ear off. I had a funny feeling at that moment. I thought I was the skeleton and he was my long-lost uncle come to kiss me good night. You’ve never been inside a grave, I suppose. I can recommend it, honest, I mean if you want to taste everything life has to offer.
SALLY Well, I’ll be inside one, one day.
WALTER Oh, I don’t know. You might be cremated, or drowned at sea, mightn’t you?
ANNIE creeps back down the landing into the aunts’ room and gets into bed.
MILLY Did you listen?
ANNIE Yes.
MILLY Well?
ANNIE I heard them talking.
MILLY What were they saying?
ANNIE Don’t ask me.
MILLY Go to the door again. Listen properly.
ANNIE Why don’t you go.
MILLY I’m in bed.
ANNIE So am I.
MILLY But I’ve been in bed longer than you.
ANNIE mutters and grumbles to herself, gets out of bed and goes back along the landing to the door. The dialogue heard is still from her point of view.
WALTER You’re a Northerner?
SALLY That’s clever of you. I thought I’d …
WALTER I can tell the accent.
SALLY I thought I’d lost it …
WALTER There’s something in your eyes too. You only find it in Lancashire girls.
SALLY Really? What?
WALTER (moving closer) You seem a bit uncomfortable with me. Why’s that?
SALLY I’m not uncomfortable.
WALTER Why’s that, then? You seem a bit uneasy.
SALLY I’m not.
WALTER Let’s fill you up, eh? I mean you were different yesterday. You were on top of yourself yesterday.
SALLY It’s you who were different. You’re different today.
WALTER You don’t want to worry about me being an armed robber. They call me the gentle gunman.
SALLY I’m not worried.
Pause.
WALTER My aunties think you’re marvellous. I think they’ve got us in mind for the marriage stakes.
SALLY What?
WALTER Yes, I think they think they’ve found me a wife.
SALLY How funny.
WALTER They’ve roped you in to take part in a wedding. They’ve forgotten one thing, though.
SALLY What’s that?
WALTER I’m married. As a matter of fact, I’m married to three women. I’m a triple bigamist. Do you believe me?
SALLY I think you’re in a very strange mood.
WALTER It’s the look in your eyes that’s brought it on.
SALLY You haven’t got such bad eyes yourself.
WALTER Your eyes, they’re Northern eyes. They’re full of soot.
SALLY Thank you.
WALTER (pouring) Top it up. Come on.
SALLY To our eyes.
WALTER I thought you didn’t drink. You can knock it back all right. Keep in practice in school, I suppose. In the milk break. Keeps you in trim for netball. Or at that night school, eh? I bet you enjoy yourself there. Come on. Tell me what you get up to at that night school.
ANNIE yawns slightly and pads back to her room. She closes door and gets into bed.
ANNIE Still talking.
MILLY (sleepily) What are they talking about?
ANNIE I can’t make it out.
MILLY I should have gone. You’re as deaf as a post.
They settle in bed. Squeaks.
ANNIE The doughnut’s given me heartburn. (Faintly.) Good night.
MILLY snores briefly.
Fade into SALLY’s room.
SALLY I lead a quiet life, a very quiet life, I don’t mix with people.
WALTER Except me. You’re mixing with me.
SALLY I don’t have any kind of social life.
WALTER I’ll have to take you round a few of the clubs I know, show you the sights.
SALLY No, I don’t like that.
WALTER What do you like?
Pause.
SALLY Lying here … by myself …
WALTER On my bed.
SALLY Yes.
WALTER Doing what?
The Short Plays of Harold Pinter Page 14