The Short Plays of Harold Pinter
Page 35
CONTROLLER Where are you?
DRIVER What?
Pause.
CONTROLLER I’m talking to 274? Right?
DRIVER Yes. That’s me. I’m 274. Who are you?
Pause.
CONTROLLER Who am I?
DRIVER Yes.
CONTROLLER Who do you think I am? I’m your office.
DRIVER Oh yes.
CONTROLLER Where are you?
DRIVER I’m cruising.
CONTROLLER What do you mean?
Pause.
Listen son. I’ve got a job for you. If you’re in the area I think you’re in. Where are you?
DRIVER I’m just cruising about.
CONTROLLER Don’t cruise. Stop cruising. Nobody’s asking you to cruise about. What the fuck are you cruising about for?
Pause.
274?
DRIVER Hullo. Yes. That’s me.
CONTROLLER I want you to go to Victoria Station. I want you to pick up a customer coming from Boulogne. That is what I want you to do. Do you follow me? Now the question I want to ask you is this. Where are you? And don’t say you’re just cruising about. Just tell me if you’re anywhere near Victoria Station.
DRIVER Victoria what?
Pause.
CONTROLLER Station.
Pause.
Can you help me on this?
DRIVER Sorry?
CONTROLLER Can you help me on this? Can you come to my aid on this?
Pause.
You see, 274, I’ve got no one else in the area, you see. I’ve only got you in the area. I think. Do you follow me?
DRIVER I follow you, yes.
CONTROLLER And this is a good job, 274. He wants you to take him to Cuckfield.
DRIVER Eh?
CONTROLLER He wants you to take him to Cuckfield. You’re meeting the 10.22 from Boulogne. The European Special. His name’s MacRooney. He’s a little bloke with a limp. I’ve known him for years. You pick him up under the clock. You’ll know him by his hat. He’ll have a hat on with a feather in it. He’ll be carrying fishing tackle. 274?
DRIVER Hullo?
CONTROLLER Are you hearing me?
DRIVER Yes.
Pause.
CONTROLLER What are you doing?
DRIVER I’m not doing anything.
CONTROLLER How’s your motor? Is your motor working?
DRIVER Oh yes.
CONTROLLER Your ignition’s not on the blink?
DRIVER No.
CONTROLLER So you’re sitting in a capable car?
DRIVER I’m sitting in it, yes.
CONTROLLER Are you in the driving seat?
Pause.
Do you understand what I mean?
Pause.
Do you have a driving wheel in front of you?
Pause.
Because I haven’t, 274. I’m just talking into this machine, trying to make some sense out of our lives. That’s my function. God gave me this job. He asked me to do this job, personally. I’m your local monk, 274. I’m a monk. You follow? I lead a restricted life. I haven’t got a choke and a gear lever in front of me. I haven’t got a cooling system and four wheels. I’m not sitting here with wing mirrors and a jack in the boot. And if I did have a jack in the boot I’d stick it right up your arse.
Pause.
Listen, 274. I’ve got every reason to believe that you’re driving a Ford Cortina. I would very much like you to go to Victoria Station. In it. That means I don’t want you to walk down there. I want you to drive down there. Right?
DRIVER Everything you say is correct. This is a Ford Cortina.
CONTROLLER Good. That’s right. And you’re sitting in it while we’re having this conversation, aren’t you?
DRIVER That’s right.
CONTROLLER Where?
DRIVER By the side of a park.
CONTROLLER By the side of a park?
DRIVER Yes.
CONTROLLER What park?
DRIVER A dark park.
CONTROLLER Why is it dark?
Pause.
DRIVER That’s not an easy question.
Pause.
CONTROLLER Isn’t it?
DRIVER No.
Pause.
CONTROLLER You remember this customer I was talking to you about? The one who’s coming in to Victoria Station? Well, he’s very keen for you to take him down to Cuckfield. He’s got an old aunt down there. I’ve got a funny feeling she’s going to leave him all her plunder. He’s going down to pay his respects. He’ll be in a good mood. If you play your cards right you might come out in front. Get me?
Pause.
274?
DRIVER Yes? I’m here.
CONTROLLER Go to Victoria Station.
DRIVER I don’t know it.
CONTROLLER You don’t know it?
DRIVER No. What is it?
Silence.
CONTROLLER It’s a station, 274.
Pause.
Haven’t you heard of it?
DRIVER No. Never. What kind of place is it?
Pause.
CONTROLLER You’ve never heard of Victoria Station?
DRIVER Never. No.
CONTROLLER It’s a famous station.
DRIVER Well, I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing all these years.
CONTROLLER What have you been doing all these years?
DRIVER Well, I honestly don’t know.
Pause.
CONTROLLER All right 274. Report to the office in the morning. 135? Where are you? 135? Where are you?
DRIVER Don’t leave me.
CONTROLLER What? Who’s that?
DRIVER It’s me. 274. Please. Don’t leave me.
CONTROLLER 135? Where are you?
DRIVER Don’t have anything to do with 135. He’s not your man. He’ll lead you into blind alleys by the dozen. They all will. Don’t leave me. I’m your man. I’m the only one you can trust.
Pause.
CONTROLLER Do I know you, 274? Have we met?
Pause.
Well, it’ll be nice to meet you in the morning. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll be sitting here with my cat o’nine tails, son. And you know what I’m going to do with it? I’m going to tie you up bollock naked to a butcher’s table and I’m going to flog you to death all the way to Crystal Palace.
DRIVER That’s where I am! I knew I knew the place.
Pause.
I’m sitting by a little dark park underneath Crystal Palace. I can see the Palace. It’s silhouetted against the sky. It’s a wonderful edifice, isn’t it?
Pause.
My wife’s in bed. Probably asleep. And I’ve got a little daughter.
CONTROLLER Oh, you’ve got a little daughter?
Pause.
DRIVER Yes, I think that’s what she is.
CONTROLLER Report to the office at 9 a.m. 135? Where are you? Where the fuck is 135? 246? 178? 101? Will somebody help me? Where’s everyone gone? I’ve got a good job going down to Cuckfield. Can anyone hear me?
DRIVER I can hear you.
CONTROLLER Who’s that?
DRIVER 274. Here. Waiting. What do you want me to do?
CONTROLLER You want to know what I want you to do?
DRIVER Oh by the way, there’s something I forgot to tell you.
CONTROLLER What is it?
DRIVER I’ve got a P.O.B.
CONTROLLER You’ve got a P.O.B.?
DRIVER Yes. That means passenger on board.
CONTROLLER I know what it means, 274. It means you’ve got a passenger on board.
DRIVER That’s right.
CONTROLLER You’ve got a passenger on board sitting by the side of a park?
DRIVER That’s right.
CONTROLLER Did I book this job?
DRIVER No, I don’t think you came into it.
CONTROLLER Well, where does he want to go?
DRIVER He doesn’t want to go anywhere. We just cruised about for a bit and then we came to rest.
CONTROLLER In Crystal Palace?
DRIVER Not in the Palace.
CONTROLLER Oh, you’re not in the Palace?
DRIVER No. I’m not right inside it.
CONTROLLER I think you’ll find the Crystal Palace burnt down years ago, old son. It burnt down in the Great Fire of London.
Pause.
DRIVER Did it?
CONTROLLER 274?
DRIVER Yes. I’m here.
CONTROLLER Drop your passenger. Drop your passenger at his chosen destination and proceed to Victoria Station. Otherwise I’ll destroy you bone by bone. I’ll suck you in and blow you out in little bubbles. I’ll chew your stomach out with my own teeth. I’ll eat all the hair off your body. You’ll end up looking like a pipe cleaner. Get me?
Pause.
274?
Pause.
You’re beginning to obsess me. I think I’m going to die. I’m alone in this miserable freezing fucking office and nobody loves me. Listen, pukeface –
DRIVER Yes?
Pause.
CONTROLLER 135? 135? Where are you?
DRIVER Don’t have anything to do with 135. They’re all bloodsuckers. I’m the only one you can trust.
Pause.
CONTROLLER You know what I’ve always dreamed of doing? I’ve always had this dream of having a holiday in sunny Barbados. I’m thinking of taking this holiday at the end of this year, 274. I’d like you to come with me. To Barbados. Just the two of us. I’ll take you snorkelling. We can swim together in the blue Caribbean.
Pause.
In the meantime, though, why don’t you just pop back to the office now and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea? You can tell me something about your background, about your ambitions and aspirations. You can tell me all about your little hobbies and pastimes. Come over and have a nice cup of tea, 274.
DRIVER I’d love to but I’ve got a passenger on board.
CONTROLLER Put your passenger on to me. Let me have a word with him.
DRIVER I can’t. She’s asleep on the back seat.
CONTROLLER She?
DRIVER Can I tell you a secret?
CONTROLLER Please do.
DRIVER I think I’ve fallen in love. For the first time in my life.
CONTROLLER Who have you fallen in love with?
DRIVER With this girl on the back seat. I think I’m going to keep her for the rest of my life. I’m going to stay in this car with her for the rest of my life. I’m going to marry her in this car. We’ll die together in this car.
Pause.
CONTROLLER So you’ve found true love at last, eh, 274?
DRIVER Yes. I’ve found true love at last.
CONTROLLER So you’re a happy man now then, are you?
DRIVER I’m very happy. I’ve never known such happiness.
CONTROLLER Well, I’d like to be the first to congratulate you, 274. I’d like to extend my sincere felicitations to you.
DRIVER Thank you very much.
CONTROLLER Don’t mention it. I’ll have to make a note in my diary not to forget your Golden Wedding, won’t I? I’ll bring along some of the boys to drink your health. Yes, I’ll bring along some of the boys. We’ll all have a few jars and a bit of a sing-song.
Pause.
274?
Pause.
DRIVER Hullo. Yes. It’s me.
CONTROLLER Listen. I’ve been thinking. I’ve decided that what I’d like to do now is to come down there and shake you by the hand straightaway. I’m going to shut this little office and I’m going to jump into my old car and I’m going to pop down to see you, to shake you by the hand. All right?
DRIVER Fine. But what about this man coming off the train at Victoria Station – the 10.22 from Boulogne?
CONTROLLER He can go and fuck himself.
DRIVER I see.
CONTROLLER No, I’d like to meet your lady friend, you see. And we can have a nice celebration. Can’t we? So just stay where you are. Right?
Pause.
Right?
Pause.
274?
DRIVER Yes?
CONTROLLER Don’t move. Stay exactly where you are. I’ll be right with you.
DRIVER No, I won’t move.
Silence.
I’ll be here.
Light out in office. The DRIVER sits still. Light out in car.
ONE FOR THE ROAD
One for the Road first published by
Methuen London Ltd in 1984
© Fraser52 Limited, 1984
One for the Road was first performed at the Lyric Theatre Studio, Hammersmith, in March 1984, with the following cast:
NICOLAS Alan Bates
VICTOR Roger Lloyd Pack
GILA Jenny Quayle
NICKY Stephen Kember and Felix Yates
Directed by Harold Pinter
It was subsequently presented as part of the triple bill Other Places, at the Duchess Theatre, London, on 7 March 1985, with the following cast:
NICOLAS Colin Blakely
VICTOR Roger Davidson
GILA Rosie Kerslake
NICKY Daniel Kipling and Simon Vyvyan
Directed by Kenneth Ives
Characters
NICOLAS
mid-forties
VICTOR
thirty
GILA
thirty
NICKY
seven
NICOLAS at his desk. He leans forward and speaks into a machine.
NICOLAS Bring him in.
He sits back. The door opens, VICTOR walks in, slowly. His clothes are torn. He is bruised. The door closes behind him.
Hello! Good morning. How are you? Let’s not beat about the bush. Anything but that. D’accord? You’re a civilised man, So am I. Sit down.
VICTOR slowly sits., NICOLAS stands, walks over to him.
What do you think this is? It’s my finger. And this is my little finger. This is my big finger and this is my little finger. I wave my big finger in front of your eyes. Like this. And now I do the same with my little finger. I can also use both … at the same time. Like this. I can do absolutely anything I like. Do you think I’m mad? My mother did.
He laughs.
Do you think waving fingers in front of people’s eyes is silly? I can see your point. You’re a man of the highest intelligence. But would you take the same view if it was my boot – or my penis? Why am I so obsessed with eyes? Am I obsessed with eyes? Possibly. Not my eyes. Other people’s eyes. The eyes of people who are brought to me here. They’re so vulnerable. The soul shines through them. Are you a religious man? I am. Which side do you think God is on? I’m going to have a drink.
He goes to sideboard, pours whisky.
You’re probably wondering where your wife is. She’s in another room.
He drinks.
Good-looking woman.
He drinks.
God, that was good.
He pours another.
Don’t worry, I can hold my booze.
He drinks.
You may have noticed I’m the chatty type. You probably think I’m part of a predictable, formal, long-established pattern; i.e. I chat away, friendly, insouciant, I open the batting, as it were, in a light-hearted, even carefree manner, while another waits in the wings, silent, introspective, coiled like a puma. No, no. It’s not quite like that. I run the place. God speaks through me. I’m referring to the Old Testament God, by the way, although I’m a long way from being Jewish. Everyone respects me here. Including you, I take it? I think that is the correct stance.
Pause.
Stand up.
VICTOR stands.
Sit down.
VICTOR sits.
Thank you so much.
Pause.
Tell me something …
Silence.
What a good-looking woman your wife is. You’re a very lucky man. Tell me … one for the road, I think …
He pours whisky.
You do respect me, I take it?
He stands in fr
ont of VICTOR and looks down at him. VICTOR looks up.
I would be right in assuming that?
Silence.
VICTOR (quietly) I don’t know you.
NICOLAS But you respect me.
VICTOR I don’t know you.
NICOLAS Are you saying you don’t respect me?
Pause.
Are you saying you would respect me if you knew me better? Would you like to know me better?
Pause.
Would you like to know me better?
VICTOR What I would like … has no bearing on the matter.
NICOLAS Oh yes it has.
Pause.
I’ve heard so much about you. I’m terribly pleased to meet you. Well, I’m not sure that pleased is the right word. One has to be so scrupulous about language. Intrigued. I’m intrigued. Firstly because I’ve heard so much about you. Secondly because if you don’t respect me you’re unique. Everyone else knows the voice of God speaks through me. You’re not a religious man, I take it?
Pause.
You don’t believe in a guiding light?
Pause.
What then?
Pause.
So … morally… you flounder in wet shit. You know … like when you’ve eaten a rancid omelette.
Pause.
I think I deserve one for the road.
He pours, drinks.
Do you drink whisky?
Pause.
I hear you have a lovely house. Lots of books. Someone told me some of my boys kicked it around a bit. Pissed on the rugs, that sort of thing. I wish they wouldn’t do that. I do really. But you know what it’s like – they have such responsibilities – and they feel them – they are constantly present – day and night – these responsibilities – and so, sometimes, they piss on a few rugs. You understand. You’re not a fool.