Falling Deeper (Falling Series)

by Lucia Grace

  Oh my God, Kayson.

  I try to pull myself together. Gather my thoughts and reel in my emotions. I look around the empty parking lot of the school. I told the girls and Damon to go home and I’d fill them in if I heard from Kayson. I asked them to do the same. Now I’m regretting telling them it was okay to go. What am I going to do?

  Wiping the tears from my face, I stand up from the front steps and walk home as quickly as I can. At this point I’m thankful for such a small town because my walk home takes only a little over five minutes. But it’s five minutes too long as I run through and make up a million different scenarios in my mind. Anything from what could have happened, to how long he’ll be in jail, to what the hell we are going to do.

  My mind is racing.

  As soon as I walk through the door I go right into my room, close myself in, and start making phone calls. I call the station. The courthouse. The fucking city hall. Trying to find out anything I can.

  Damon’s uncle, Trey, who also happened to be the officer who arrested Kayson, took pity on me when I finally got through to the station. He told me that Kayson would appear in court on Thursday. It’s Tuesday now so he’s spending the next two nights in jail since his mom won’t bail him out. Trey relayed her words back to me. She said it would be good for Kayson to stay in a cell anyway. That it might teach him something.

  How could any of this be good?

  Momma finds me sobbing on my bed later that evening. I’m crying so hard I can barely tell her what’s happened. At the word ‘arrested’ she knows this isn’t good and wraps her arms around me, ensuring me that everything will be okay.

  Gosh, I hope she’s right.

  I want to beg Kayson to let me help heal the broken parts of his soul. To let me love him like he deserves.

  If only I knew that I would break in the process of mending him.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  EMBER

  Sitting here waiting in the courtroom, I’m a nervous wreck. Momma is holding on tightly to my hand and sitting closely beside me. Giving me the comfort and strength she knows I need. Not many mothers would support their children with decisions like these. Let them miss school because of them. But I’m lucky. Momma has always supported me, and she knows, despite everything that has happened, that Kayson is a good guy. He’s just lost his way.

  I didn’t notice I was still crying until Momma handed me another tissue. I haven’t been able to stop crying all morning. My tears flowed when I was getting ready this morning, when Momma drove me in, and right before I entered the courtroom. But I steeled my resolve and stopped the tears, or so I thought, because he’s going to need me. He’s going to need me to be strong. I wipe my tears again and straighten my spine. I need to be strong. I just hope I can stay calm long enough for that to happen.

  I think about the circumstances of his arrest, how him being pulled over at 9:30 Tuesday morning for a busted tail light and driving erratically turned into this. Him sitting in jail for two days to this court appearance with an uncertain future. If there’s anything to be thankful for though it’s that he chose five days before his eighteenth birthday to get caught. It’s our saving grace that he was arrested and charged as a juvenile.

  Shaken from my thoughts, the bailiff announces for us all to stand as the judge makes his way in. We’re the first case of the morning so there are only a few people in attendance. Kayson’s mother couldn’t even be bothered to show. It doesn’t matter anyway; she wouldn’t have been any help.

  As the bailiff tells us to be seated, a door along the side chambers opens up and a uniformed officer leads in the love of my life. The lost boy who’s just trying to find his way.

  Kayson walks into the courtroom, shackled like a common criminal, bound by cuffs around his wrists and ankles. Chained together. It breaks me and I crumble. I tried to stay strong. I tried to be the rock that he’s going to need. But I can’t. I just can’t. Seeing him like this brings all my biggest fears to life.

  What if I lose him? What if he can’t come back from this? What if he doesn’t want to?

  KAYSON

  I cannot wait to get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I may be a fucking idiot for driving drunk and high, but thank fuck I didn’t have anything on me or this could have turned out way worse than it already is.

  When the court-appointed lawyer came to see me yesterday he told me the officer on duty saw me with a busted tail light, then noticed my driving, and decided to pull me over. Just my fucking luck. I called my sorry excuse for a mother to see if she could bail me out. But the bitch told me to rot and maybe I’d learn a thing or two. I wasted my one phone call on her.

  Shuffling through the back chambers leading to the courtroom, chained up like a fucking animal, my only thoughts are getting home, showering, then getting to Ember. Fuck my mother. Ember must be freaking the fuck out wondering how I’m doing.

  Trey, Damon’s uncle, stopped by my cell to tell me she called, frantic over my arrest. Trying to find any information she could on what was happening. He also couldn’t help but get a lecture in, too. Just like his fucking nephew. Must run in the family.

  “Stop the fighting, the drugs, the anger. If you don’t get yourself help, you’ll find yourself losing everything.” His voice gives away nothing, but his eyes tell it all.

  My first thought is Ember. She’s my everything. My number one.

  I can tell he knows I’m processing his words. “Trust me, son. I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count.”

  I don’t want him to know he’s getting to me. Making me think of my girl and what my asshole self has put her through these last few months. Then with this. I know I’m fucked and have a lot of making up to do. So I reply to the part of that statement that pissed me off the most. “I’m not your son.”

  He walked away, shaking his head at that comment. When he was gone I nearly broke down thinking of Ember and losing her. Shame washed over me, but now I’m determined to make things right. I need to make her understand this will never happen again. I’ll make sure of it. I can’t lose her.

  The cuffs and chains rattle with each shuffled footstep I take, shaking me from my thoughts. The officer leading the way looks back at me before opening the door to lead me out. I catch sight of the judge first then my lawyer, and I’m ready to get this over with. When I turn to take my place I catch sight of something, not something, someone, which has me faltering. Then I hear it. I hear her crying and my heart splinters and breaks.

  What is she doing here?

  She isn’t looking at me, but her mother is. I don’t make eye contact with Cassandra, although I don’t really give a fuck what she thinks of me. Asshole move, I know, but my priority is Ember. But it’s still embarrassing as fuck, and it kills me because I’m not the one consoling my girl. And I’m the one who did this to her.

  Now my focus isn’t on the judge, my lawyer, or what happens to me. No. Now my focus is on Ember silently sobbing in her mother’s arms behind me.

  Seeing her sitting there, three benches back, crying and trembling, breaks me down. I can’t stop the tears from leaving my eyes even if I tried. My girl has stayed through all my bullshit. Supported me. Stood up for me. Stood behind me and with me. I need to make this right.

  I’m rubbing my wrists, trying to get circulation back in them after being cuffed, while waiting for the few belongings I had on me before I can leave the courthouse. Forty hours of community service, the loss of my license for thirty days, and one hefty fine are my punishment for being a dumb shit. A waste of fucking time and money if you ask me, but at least I got out of probation or any juvenile detention. But I’m fucking pissed I have to go a month without my truck. I’ll need to figure something out.

  Yay, happy fucking birthday to me.

  I am fucking exhausted. Just over forty-eight hours spent in a holding cell, then in court, and I got barely any sleep. But more than being tired, I’m anxious as hell because I need Ember, and I have no clue how I’ll keep us from sinking
. I’ll be fucking lucky if I can apologize my way out of this one. But I need to, because if I lose her I’ll have nothing left.

  I attempt to turn on my cell to see if Damon can pick me up but find it’s dead. I step through the doors and start down the courthouse stairs, planning how I’ll get home, but come up short. Sitting at the bottom of the stairs is Ember. Head in her hands, shoulders shaking, and quiet sobs racking her body.

  I cannot believe she’s here for me. That she waited. I shouldn’t be surprised, but this time I really thought she’d already be gone.

  I can’t get down to her fast enough.

  “Ember, baby?” I say her name quietly so I don’t scare her, but she jumps anyway.

  She brings her hands to her face to wipe her tears before she spins around and looks up at me. “Oh, Kayson!”

  She jumps up and into my arms before I can utter another word, and I feel her tears wet my neck and through my T-shirt. Her earlier attempt at wiping away her tears forgotten. She feels so good in my arms after going days without, so I pull her in tightly.

  How could I ever be so dumb to jeopardize this, her, over and over again?

  “I was so scared. I thought they were going to lock you up and it would be forever until I’d see you again.” Her words are muffled since her face is still in my neck. Her arms around my waist squeeze me tighter and tighter as she keeps talking.

  “You weren’t in school on Tuesday, and I wanted to talk to you. Then the more time that passed the more worried I got and then when I talked to your mother…” She stops as a sob bubbles up her throat.

  My eyes slam closed as the hitched sob passes through her pouty lips and at the thought she had to talk to my mother.

  She clears her throat to compose herself before she starts again. “When I talked to your mother, and she told me you were arrested, my whole world stopped. I didn’t know what to do.” She’s all out crying again when she finishes.

  Fuck am I an asshole.

  “Baby, it’s okay. I know, I know. I’m a fucking asshole, a dipshit, but I promise I never meant for any of this to happen. And it won’t happen again. I’ll do what I can to make this right.” I’m choking on each word that passes through my lips because I know these are promises I may not be able to keep.

  “This can’t happen again, Kayson. It can’t.” She sniffles back her tears and steps away from me. I feel the loss to my soul.

  “I know—”

  She interrupts me before I can finish. “No. No, I don’t think you do. You need to get help. You need to stop the drugs. Or we can’t…” Her tears start up again. Her red, puffy eyes staring into mine. “If you don’t we can’t be together anymore.” Her face crumbles again as she looks away from me. I hate when I can’t see her eyes.

  I knew this would be a possibility. I knew my fuck-ups time and time again could ruin us. But that still doesn’t prepare me for right now. It’s like all the air is knocked from my lungs with that one statement. Those eight words having the chance to change my world forever.

  “Ember…you can’t mean that. Not after everything we’ve been through. We can make this work.” I’m pleading with her, I know I am. My voice is shaking. It’s just, this cannot be fucking happening. I can’t let it happen.

  Instead of answering me though, or easing my fears, she glances my way, wiping the last of her tears, then looks away again. She can’t keep eye contact with me, which makes me even more nervous. Then she changes the subject completely.

  “Momma is waiting in the car in the side parking lot. I asked her for a little time and privacy for when you came out.” She finally looks at me again. Her big brown eyes still swimming with tears. “We can give you a ride home.”

  Apparently, we’re done talking about us.

  “Ah no, I can figure something else out, baby. I’m sure your mom doesn’t want to waste her time, and I can guarantee she doesn’t want you around me right now. If not ever again.” I swallow hard at that comment and it feels like I’m swallowing shards of glass.

  “Kayson, you know Momma isn’t like that. She offered before I even asked. You’re probably right though about being around you.” Her voice trails off and panic sets in again. “For today it would probably be a good idea just to bring you home. Then tomorrow, after we’ve all had a chance to process and calm down some, you’ll need to come over so we can finish this talk.”

  Her voice, her eyes, her demeanor, all of her is so sad. She looks lost and unsure. Like she’s caught between her decision to stick it out with me or let me go. I need to make sure it isn’t the latter. I have to fight for her like she’s been fighting for me.

  “Okay.” I agree because what else can I do. I need to give her this time and use it to get myself together so I can make sure I don’t lose her.

  With my confirmation, Ember turns around and I follow. We make our way to the side parking lot where her mom is parked and climb in. I acknowledge Cassandra and offer my thanks after she says hello, and then remain silent all the way back to my mother’s place. I refuse to call it home because it isn’t. Ember is.

  When we pull in to the town house’s parking lot, I lean into the front seat to offer Ember a kiss. Hoping and praying that I can feel some sort of connection with her. But instead she turns her head and offers her cheek. I place a gentle kiss to her soft skin, thank her mother one last time, and tell her I’ll call her later once I’ve had a chance to shower and get some sleep. She nods her understanding, and with that I leave the car.

  As it pulls away with the love of my life inside, I turn around to give her one last look. She’s slouched in the passenger seat. Her shoulders shaking just like they were when I walked out of the courthouse. And my heart breaks just the same.

  How can I make this right and make her see that we’re worth this fight?

  My shoulders drop as I shake my head and make my way through the rusty screen door into the house.

  As soon as it slaps shut behind me I wish I never came back here.

  “They let you out, huh?” my mother asks. Disdain and disgust dripping from her tone.

  I ignore her and make my way down the small hallway to the stairs so I can get a shower and then hit my bed. I’m fucking exhausted.

  “Hey, I’m talking to you. Don’t you fucking walk away from me,” she slurs out before taking another sip from her beer can.

  “Obviously, they let me out—no thanks to you—since I’m standing right here.”

  “Watch your damn tone with me. It isn’t my fault you’re a damn fuck-up and got yourself arrested. Fucking idiot.”

  “Jesus Christ, I don’t need any of this bullshit, Mom, all right? I’m here. I’m sorry that pisses you off so much, but believe me, if I had anywhere else to go I’d fucking leave.”

  With that parting comment I storm up the stairs and slam the door to my room. Plugging in my phone on the charger and waiting for it to take a charge, I flop down on my bed and heave a deep sigh.

  This fucking day just gets better and fucking better.

  A text alert from next to me has me grabbing my phone.

  You out or what? And fuck, man, what were you thinking?

  Damon. I don’t know why the fucker even bothers to ask. I know he has to know that I’m out and that’s why he’s texting me. I guarantee his uncle informed him. And I wasn’t fucking thinking. Clearly.

  I type out a quick reply to let him know that I am and that I’m about to crash, when I receive a reply from him immediately.

  You fucked-up, man. You have a great fucking girl and you fucked-up. How the fuck are you going to fix this?

  Fuck. As if I didn’t know that already.

  I ignore his reply and toss my phone back on the charger. Not wanting to deal with his lecturing ass right now.

  But fuck is he right.

  How the fuck am I going to fix this?

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  -APRIL-

  KAYSON

  I’m wound tight and anxious as fuck.


  I need something to calm me the fuck down. I’ve barely been using because I’ve been trying for Ember. Really trying. But I’ve been floundering, and I just need something to take the edge off.

  I have no fucking money though, since I had to pay the fine from my arrest just over a month ago. Now a good chunk of my savings is gone.

  This past month of trying to keep clean has also given me time to really check my finances and fuck—I didn’t know how much I was actually spending. What normally lasted me through the end of the school year until I started working full-time again has only lasted me until now. I don’t even know how I’m going to pay my cell phone bill or put gas in my truck next week. I’ve bled my accounts dry with pills and blow, and I really don’t even care.

  That’s the sad part of it all.

  I can’t stand the thought of dragging Ember even further into my bullshit, but I’m going to have to ask her for some cash. Because on top of needing money to actually survive these next couple of months, I need something to make it through. I ran out of the stash I had, and it’s just been a few days and I’m already jittery as fuck. I can’t focus. I’m angry. Jumpy. I just need something.

  I don’t know how to ask her for any more when she’s already given me so much. But I’m going to need to find a way because I need something.

  EMBER

  I know he hasn’t been working as much due to school and the colder weather. But I do know he makes and saves enough throughout the summer to cover him until the season starts again. So why he’s asking me for money could only mean one thing.

  “What do you need the money for, Kayson?” I ask, not even trying to hide the accusatory tone in my voice.

  “I told you, Ember—”

  “No,” I cut him off, “you haven’t told me. So explain to me what you could possibly need one hundred dollars for?”

  “Fuck, I just need it, okay?”

  He can’t focus. His jaw is ticking and grinding.

  “What’s the matter with you? Are you on something?”