Falling Deeper (Falling Series)

by Lucia Grace

  “What? No, baby, of course not.”

  “Kayson,” I yell, “tell me right now. Be honest for one goddamn time. Are you on something?”

  “Goddamn it, Ember, NO! I am not on anything. Jesus Christ. I just need some money, okay? Paying that fine wiped out my account.” He’s pleading with me to understand, but I can’t.

  “No, Kayson, none of this is okay because you should still have enough money to last you a couple more months from what you’ve told me before. So if you are already broke or don’t have enough for extras, that could mean only one thing. Drugs.” I’m fighting off the tears, trying not to show him how much he’s hurting me.

  “Baby…” he goes to take a step toward me, but I stop him with a raised palm.

  “No, Kayson, no. I want answers. What is this money for? What could you possibly need that money for?”

  “Fucking Christ, I misjudged my account and came up short. I need it for bills and shit.”

  Again with the erratic behavior. From soft to hard in a flash. I give him a hard look. Not backing down. I need him to open up to me.

  “Drugs! Okay? You got me, I need the money for drugs.” He’s exasperated and agitated and angry. It’s all swirling around behind his eyes mixed in with a heap of guilt.

  My eyes start filling with unshed tears as I see the anger start to take over. “Oh, Kayson…you promised you’d try. You promised that after the arrest and all the other crap you’ve put us through that you’d smarten up. That you’d try to find some help.” Then the tears fall.

  “Yeah, well, you promised you’d stop the nagging and the bullshit. But you clearly haven’t, Ember. I never ask you for anything. Not a damn dime whether it be for dates or otherwise. So please, can you please lend me some money?” He’s pleading again. “Just this one time, and then I’ll stop.”

  “This one time and then you’ll stop? How could I ever believe you when I’ve heard this so many times before? I don’t have that kind of money anyway. But even if I did I wouldn’t give it to you. Not for this.”

  “If you won’t fucking help me then fine! We’re fucking through, and I’ll go find someone else to fund me the fucking money.”

  His anger is completely taking over. I know he doesn’t mean any of this, I really do, but that doesn’t stop the burn from his words. I know this makes me weak, letting him talk to me like this. I also know if I were to give in it wouldn’t teach him a damn thing. I know he’s trying to manipulate me to get what he wants, hoping I’ll beg him to stay and never leave me. But I can’t do this anymore. I need to stand up to him, and I need to stick up for me.

  “I didn’t lie about not having the money, Kayson. But I wouldn’t help you with that even if I did.” I repeat myself, hoping to get through to him.

  It’s as if he doesn’t even care. Scratch that, I know he doesn’t. He doesn’t care that he admitted to still using drugs. He doesn’t care about all the money he is asking for. He doesn’t care about what this is doing to me, what it’s doing to us.

  He’s letting his addiction control his life and he keeps slipping from me.

  We’re sinking fast. I’ve tried to make us better, to make us work, along with keeping Kayson afloat. But it’s slowly killing me, and I don’t know if I can do this anymore. But the second I think about leaving him, guilt consumes me. Because if I’m not there, then who will he have? Besides Damon he has no one, just a sorry excuse for a mother. But more importantly, I love him too much to let him go. The thought of living a life without him shreds me apart inside. So I stay.

  But yet again I have another reminder of the sinking ship that is us when I confront him with what I found.

  “What’s this?” I ask as I hold up the partially filled pill bottle that I found in the sweatshirt he left here a couple of weeks ago. When I went to pull it over my head the bottle had fallen out.

  My heart shattered when I knew why he still had them.

  He looks panicked when he sees what I’m holding up, but quickly cools his features. “It’s nothing. Just give them back.”

  He looks more surprised to having pills left, not that I have them and found them.

  “Why do you still have these, Kayson? Football ended months ago, and I thought your hand was better? You said your hand was better…” I know I’m pleading with him. I want the truth.

  “Do not fucking play games with me right now. Give me the fucking bottle. Fuck the money. Just give me the bottle.”

  “So now the money isn’t important that you know I have these, huh?” I’m surprised I can even speak I’m crying so hard. My tears falling onto my lips.

  “Why can’t you stop being a stupid bitch for one goddamn minute and just give me the fucking pills?” He roars so loudly I swear the walls rattle.

  I look up at this boy I fell so hard for so quickly. I look up at his handsome face that is red with rage. I look up into his vacant eyes that once held so much love. I look up at this boy I don’t even recognize anymore and all of the pent-up hurt and anger from the last few months bubbles up. Then on a sob, I hit him. I slam my balled fists to his chest, and I hit him again and again.

  How could he do this to me? To us? How could he lose all his fight and let this poison ruin everything we had? Where is the boy I love?

  After my final blow I turn to leave. Spewing hateful, vile words as I turn. “I hate you, you know that? You’ve ruined me and turned me into this! I can’t even stand myself anymore because you turned me into this person that I hate almost as much as I hate you!”

  As I hurl my last insult, but before I can get through the door, he does the unthinkable. He charges toward me, his hand wrapping around my throat. His eyes are blazing into mine with fury. The anger and hatred gut me, but the desolation and emptiness staring back at me are what really shatter my resolve.

  I know I shouldn’t, but I throw my arms around his neck as he drops his hand, realizing what he’s done. The shock registers before he starts to stammer an apology. “Ember, baby, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” He gasps as his shoulders slump and he buries his face into my neck.

  “It’s okay…it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. I hit you first. It’s my fault,” I stammer out, trying to stop my body from shaking. “I know that wasn’t you. You got lost in your head again. You let the drugs take you again.”

  “I swear I didn’t mean it. None of it. The words, my hand around….” He can’t even finish as he chokes on his words. “Fuck… I’d never hurt you on purpose, baby. You know that, right? I love you. I love you so fucking much. Please don’t leave me.” He begs. “I’d never survive without you.”

  It’s almost funny how not even one minute ago he was asking for money, denying his drug use, and threatening to leave me if I didn’t help him. I’d laugh if I wasn’t crying so hard. Or if I wasn’t so scared.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  -JUNE-

  EMBER

  “You look pretty, Em,” Momma says, looking up from balancing her checkbook as I walk into the kitchen from my bedroom, after getting ready for my date with Kayson tonight.

  “Thanks,” I reply softly. I’m a little nervous for tonight. With everything we’ve been through since we started dating, this last month or so has been pretty calm, but still strained. So I took extra care getting ready. I chose a simple cobalt blue summer dress with some sandals. I kept my makeup natural along with my hair. But it all seemed to take forever because I couldn’t stop my nerves.

  “Sweetheart, are you okay?” I’ve tried to keep my stress away from Momma. Apparently, I’m not doing a good job tonight.

  I plaster on a smile before I reply. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

  “Ember, please don’t try to hide from me. I’m your mother. I’m sure I don’t know the half of what that boy has put you through, but from what I do know I have to ask you.” She clears her throat before continuing. “Are you sure you should stay with him? Is it worth it?”

  I hear a vehicle pull into the
driveway and then the honking of a horn. Kayson has felt a bit uneasy just walking in like he used to, or even just knocking on the door, since his arrest a couple of months ago. So when he asked me the other night about going on this date he had told me ahead of time that he wouldn’t be coming in. It hurts my heart that he’s so uncomfortable around Momma when she’s been nothing but supportive despite everything that’s happened, but I get it.

  I look back at Momma and give her a small smile. “I know he hasn’t made things easy on us, and I may be foolish to stay, but I love him, Momma.” I swallow back the tears welling up in my eyes before I continue. “I know you’re afraid that I’m falling into the same trap that you did with dad.” I can tell I surprised her by calling out her true fears. “But I promise I’m not. This is what I want. He is what I want.”

  She looks at me for a second then pulls me into a hug. “I just worry about you, sweetie. I know he is a good boy, that he’s just lost, but I need to worry about my baby girl and put you first when he doesn’t.”

  “I know, Momma. But you can’t help what the heart wants. At any age.” I hug her tightly, absorbing all her love and strength for tonight. With a final squeeze I say goodnight and tell her I won’t be home too late.

  When I open the front door I can’t help but melt a little. Leaning against the passenger side of his truck, arms folded across his chest, is Kayson. He’s wearing a slate gray button-up shirt that I know will make his eyes pop, untucked from his dark denim jeans that hang just right off of his hips.

  As I step off the front porch and make my way to him he straightens and opens the truck door. All while keeping his eyes right on me, roaming my body, heating me up from the inside out. No matter what happens with us, no matter what he does, I can never help my reaction to him. The way his eyes take me in and burn bright each and every time ignites a fire in me. And that’s why I know I’m right where I’m meant to be. With him.

  “You look gorgeous.” His eyes still haven’t left me.

  “Thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself.” He smirks at my reply, shaking his head lightly, before grabbing my hips and helping me into his truck. Before he closes the door he leans in to place a gentle kiss to my lips, then my cheek.

  He jumps into the driver’s side, starts up the truck, then pulls out of the driveway before settling his hand on my bare thigh. I still blush at his touch.

  We ride in silence as Kayson starts down the road. I have no idea where we’re going, but I have a good idea since he’s headed toward the beach. I just don’t know what we’re doing.

  Kayson has his left arm draped over the steering wheel that way guys do. Cool and effortless. His hair moves slightly from the warm air blowing through the open window, causing the longer pieces on the top to fall over his forehead. He takes his right hand from my thigh and runs his hand through his gorgeously soft hair to brush it from his face. Mussing it up even more, giving it that rumpled just-out-of-bed look I drool over. He catches me watching him and flashes me that smirk that reveals his left dimple before looking back at the road ahead.

  And I melt.

  When I look ahead I feel his right hand land on my bare left thigh again, but a little higher this time. His long fingers brushing up under my sundress. I flush with need as his fingers make soothing circles on my skin, my breathing starts to pick up, but I tamp it all down when I see where we are. My heart rate goes from a steady climb of arousal to erratic with excitement when, instead of parking to face the beach, he backs in by the jetty. He hasn’t brought me to the beach in so long.

  This is just what we need.

  I didn’t even notice that Kayson had stepped out of the truck until he opens my door.

  “I need to do something before you get out. Sit tight for me, baby, and stay facing forward. I’ll just be a minute.” He leans in to kiss the tip of my nose then closes my door again.

  I want to turn around. I really do. But I don’t want to ruin the surprise, and I don’t want to set him off. He’s been pretty calm since we had our last major fight. I’d like to keep it that way.

  Since the last few months of heartache and hurt and pain, Kayson has seemed to keep his word. He’s been more levelheaded and has seemed less stressed. He isn’t as agitated and jittery as before. From what I can tell he’s sober. No more glazed over eyes with pupils the size of pinpoints. No more sniffing and grinding of the teeth. His temper is more in check and he continues to apologize for that night back in April when he hit his lowest point. I try to block it out.

  I know I make excuses for him. Apologize for him. All the while he was lying to me. Time and time again, about everything. Disregarding my feelings. Carelessly expecting me to always be there, pick up the pieces, and carry on as if nothing happened. But lately he’s changed and my love for him hasn’t.

  I’m startled from my thoughts when the passenger door is opened again. Kayson’s chiseled face greets me.

  “Okay, come on, baby. But close your eyes for me.”

  I grab his offered hand and hop down from the truck. Keeping my eyes closed as he requested. He keeps hold of my left hand and places his other to the small of my back, guiding me. I run my right hand along the truck until we stop at the end.

  Kayson lets go of my hand, steps behind me, and places his hands to my waist to shift me where he wants me. Then he keeps his hands on my hips as he whispers in my ear, “Open your eyes, baby.”

  On his soft command goose bumps erupt on my skin as I open my eyes to see the soft orange and pinks of the setting sun spread along the fading blue sky. Casting a beautiful glow along the Atlantic. Then I gasp when I see the bed of the truck set up for the most romantic date of my life.

  A lantern in each corner lights up the back of the bed. Different throw pillows line the back with blankets lining the floor as cushions. A picnic basket sits in the middle of it all while soft music plays in the background.

  I gasp as I take it all in. My eyes welling with happy tears for the first time in so long. I turn around and wrap my arms around Kayson’s waist. Burrowing my head in his chest as a few tears fall.

  “Do you like it, baby? Is it okay?” The anxiety and unease in his soft voice has me pulling back to reassure him it is.

  “It’s perfect,” I whisper, before I get on my tippy toes and plant a gentle kiss to his full lips. When I go to pull away he shifts his hands from my hips and brings them to my face. Sliding them into my hair so he can take the kiss deeper. And boy does he. On a moan he slips his tongue in my mouth and we get lost in one another. Before we can take it too far, Kayson pulls back and places a few soft pecks to my lips, then my jaw, down to my neck.

  “I could spend all night kissing you.” His words are barely above a whisper. “And I probably will. But let me feed you first.” He flashes that killer dimple once again. And once again I’m lost.

  “Okay,” I reply simply, as Kayson’s hands come back down to my hips so he can lift me into the bed of his truck. Once I’m up and settled back against the pillows I take my sandals off, and watch him jump in to follow me.

  Watching him unload the picnic basket while listening to the soft music playing behind us, along with the setting sun casting a pink hue, is all so magical. It’s times like these, when he puts me first and takes the time to show me how much he loves me, that all the bad gets erased. Even if just for a short time. It’s times like these that make all the bad seem bearable, and gives me a chance to remember why we are so amazing together. And why I fell in love with him in the first place.

  KAYSON

  I’ve been fucking up way too much lately. Way too fucking much. My bullshit is getting in the way of us. These last few months have been the hardest yet. My arrest, my fucking lowest point when I put my hands on my girl out of anger instead of love, my drug use. All of it still hovers over us. My darkness crowds her light, diminishes it. I toss all of that at Ember and she takes all of it and still fights for us, for me. She is the sweetest fucking perfection I’ve ever known and
all mine. No matter how hard I try I still fuck up so she needs this, deserves it, so it’s date night at her favorite place, the beach. I can’t lose her, so I was hoping that a surprise date night for just us, just our love, would help remind her of the good and of why she fights so hard. And of why we fell in love to begin with.

  With her reaction to my set up, the soft gasp, then her pouty lips on mine, I’d say I did well. I’ve had it all planned for the last week. The picnic basket full of some of her favorite things: cheese and crackers, those pesto caprese paninis she likes from Sophie’s Kitchen, and chocolate-covered berries and whipped cream for dessert. Hoping that I’m lucky and she’ll let me eat some of it off of her delectable body. Either way, do or don’t, this night is all about her.

  I pull the last of our meal and the two bottles of raspberry iced tea from the basket and set the basket aside. I hand Ember a wrapped panini along with a napkin before settling in next to her to eat mine.

  I watch her enjoy her meal slowly, savoring each bite like she always does. I watch her drink from the bottle I opened for her. All the while sitting in silence, with very little small talk, just taking in the comfortable Saturday night air as the waves crash on the shore.

  “I’ve been looking for apartments,” I cut into the silence between us.

  Ember swings her gaze to me as she asks, “What?”

  I swallow before I repeat my last statement. “I’ve been looking for apartments.” I stop, trying to judge her reaction. But she doesn’t give too much away.

  “Apartments?” she chokes out.

  “Yeah, I’ve been thinking of it ever since I graduated last month. I know you still have another year in high school, so you moving in wouldn’t be a possibility yet. But my hope is that your mom will trust me enough to let you come over often. Maybe spend some nights if we could ever talk her into that.” I nudge her shoulder gently and she smiles up at me with that shy smile of hers.

  “I don’t know about that, Kayson.”

  “I know, baby. I’d be pushing my luck with that.” I chuckle out loud, trying to mask the nervousness that is causing my voice to get tight. “But I was hoping you’d help me pick out a place because I want you there as much as possible. Then, when you graduate, I want you there. Permanently. I want you to move in with me.”