Epocalypse: Inception.

by G. Adler

  Joo-Eun frowns. “You are so promiscuous, Maya. I keep trying to find a pattern in your choice of boys. Let me ask you a few questions. Was it his dimples or the shoulders, or maybe the…”

  “Joo-Eun, I hate you!” Maya says but then we all start to laugh. When we are done, they all look at me and then to Maya. Each of them nods and smiles.

  “Okay Matthews. We’re in. What’s the plan?”

  “Well, there are many parts to it, but step one is reconnaissance. Meet me at the back of the school at eleven o’clock tonight. Dress inconspicuously. We need to get into the main office and specifically, into Duts’ little corner of this hellhole.”

  They all smile from ear to ear. Ethan looks over at me and says, “And THEN do I get to make boom-boom?”

  “We’ll see, Ethan. One step at a time, buddy. First we get our eyes. Then we develop our teeth. I have a plan for getting into the school after hours. I’ll take you through it now. We don’t have a lot of time to waste either, Meet-the-Teacher Curriculum night is in three weeks!”

  I grab a few blank sheets of paper and draw out the schematic for what I am planning. Each of them advises and makes changes to the plan as I go, but I can already see that, with their help, this should go off as smooth as silk.

  Chapter 15 - General Matthews

  I trudge up to the front door and absentmindedly fumble with my keys. They drop onto the flagstone landing and I mumble under my breath.

  “I swear that if I have to replace one more CD-ROM drive, I’m going to snap. When are these imbeciles going to learn that they aren’t cup holders?!”

  I finally find the key and unlock the door. As soon as I walk in, I see Hayden and Abby sitting in front of the television. I don’t recognize the show they are watching but I notice that both of them have a tablet in their hands at the same time. I scoff and announce my arrival.

  “Hi guys! I’m home. How was your first day at your new schools?”

  Neither of them looks up from their device or answers in any intelligible way. They simply grunt a few sounds and go silent once more. I frown and shake my head. “Glad to hear it. Anyone want to tell me about their day?”

  “Mmmmunnnghhhhfffftttt…”

  “Well that sounds interesting, does anyone want to hear about mine?”

  “NO!” They reply in unison.

  I grit my teeth and reach into my breast pocket. I pull out an ordinary-looking pen and click the top. All WiFi in the house immediately shuts down and the television shows no signal. They both shout in dismay.

  “HEY!”

  I smile wide.

  “Is there a problem?”

  They look at me as if I have six heads. Abby drops her tablet on the table and folds her arms across her chest. Hayden looks at me and grimaces.

  “Oh yay. Look who’s home. I’m surprised I didn’t notice the high horse pulling up in the driveway. That beast drops enough foul-smelling shit to fill an army base. Oh wait, my mistake. I forgot that it already has.”

  All I can do is take a deep breath to calm my already frazzled nerves before I reply. “And nice to see you too. I’m so glad I delayed my travel plans to be sure I was here for when you came home from your first day.”

  Hayden snorts and shakes his head. “Yeah right. You should have said ‘so that you could spy on me;’ that I would have believed. When have you ever cared about how I actually feel about school?”

  I ignore the comment and look at Abby instead. “How was your day, Princess?”

  She looks me up and down with a raised eyebrow and sighs. “Well, since you ask. My day started off terribly. I was put into a class with self-absorbed, empty-headed, lip-gloss toting franken-skanks…”

  Hayden guffaws and interrupts. “What’s so terrible about that? You should fit right in!”

  Abby snarls and grabs a throw pillow from the couch. She launches it at his face and hits her mark. “Up yours, Hayden. The only friends you can get have to be on a computer screen thousands of miles away. Does that sound like anyone else we know?”

  She then looks right at me and grins innocently.

  Hayden scowls immediately. “That was a low blow.”

  Abby smiles. “Yet another act you will never experience, Loser!”

  I clear my throat and try not to smile. “Ahem, father in earshot. How about you stick to the description of your day, Sweetheart?”

  Abby rushes over and gives me a big hug.

  “Okay Daddy, anything for you.”

  I watch her reflection in the television as she sticks her tongue out at her brother. I can’t help but smile. When she is done, she looks at me and continues.

  “So, the boys were no better. You would have thought that they never saw a pretty girl in their lives. Well given the quality of the cows in that eighth grade class, I’m not surprised. They all tried to get me to sit next to them while giving each other evil looks. To be honest, I’m amazed that any woman agrees to marry; boys are so STUPID!”

  She extends a thumb in Hayden’s direction and smiles. “Case and point, eh Daddy?”

  “Abby, technically I’m a boy.”

  She crushes me in a tight hug and looks up into my face with her most reverential grin. “No Daddy, you are a man.”

  I laugh and kiss her forehead. “Okay, what happened next?”

  Abby throws up her hands in disgust and shakes her head. “As it turns out, the teacher had a seating plan already set. Apparently the seventh grade teachers helped her make it at the end of last year, so the only seat left was in ‘loser row’ right in front of her desk. I thought I was going to die. My teacher smells so bad, like a combination of rotten tuna fish that’s been sitting in the sun for too long.”

  Hayden sniggers and is about to say something when I shoot him a leveled stare. He covers his mouth and pretends to play with his tablet. Abby flips him the finger and continues.

  “So there I was, slumped in my chair and holding my breath for as long as I could. I would have done anything to get out of there. I even contemplated jumping out the window or stabbing myself in the leg with a mechanical pencil just so I could leave the room for some fresh air.”

  My jaw drops. “I hope you didn’t do either!”

  “Nope, I didn’t need to. To be honest, something happened that makes me believe that there might be a God and that he is actually a she; only a woman would understand how I was feeling. Have I already said how oafishly clueless boys can be?”

  I tap my foot impatiently. “What happened, Abby?”

  “Oh right. So there I was, hoping for a natural disaster, when I got called down to the office. The secretary said that I was in the wrong homeroom and she gave me a whole new timetable. My new homeroom teacher is a boy who is fresh out of teacher’s college. He’s totally cool and not just because he lets us bring electronics to class! He plays guitar, listens to all of the same music as us, and he can even rap! His classroom wasn’t set up in stuffy old rows. He has us in table groups of six. I sat down beside a girl who was listening to her iPod and wouldn’t you know it, she has a case exactly like mine. Her name is Joo-Young and we immediately hit it off! This might just be a good year after all!”

  I glance over at Hayden, who has the most self-satisfied grin on his face. I immediately become nervous. “What are you so happy about?”

  He flutters his eyelashes innocently and points at his dimples. “Who me? I am overjoyed that my sister found a way to Carpe Diem. It does my heart good to see her enthusiastic about the whole scholastic experience.”

  Both Abby and I stare at him with an eyebrow raised. He raises his hands like he is surrendering and stands up. “Ouch. You both wound me.”

  He then hides his face in his hands and pretends to sob. “I…I…I just c…c…can’t handle this level of mistrust. What happened to the sanctity of the family unit? I need to get out of here for
a bit. I’m feeling all emotional and need to clear my head.”

  He then heads for the front door. I immediately block his exit and extend my palm. “Nice try. You might win an Oscar for this little performance, but you aren’t fooling anyone. Where are you going and what trouble are you getting into?”

  He immediately puts both hands on the wall beside the door and spreads his legs. “Frisk me if you want. The only recording device I have is my phone and that is in case of an emergency. The only dangerous thing on me is between my legs and that puppy is not removable. You should be proud that your progeny is so well equipped.”

  I yawn and feel the exhaustion taking over. Hayden grins and seizes the moment.

  “Think of it this way, General. You get an entire Hayden-less evening and I promise to be home before the stroke of midnight.”

  “A night without sarcasm would certainly hit the spot.”

  He pats me on the back and smiles as he reaches for the door handle. “Then accept this little gift and enjoy it with my compliments. If anything goes wrong, you can always throw me in the stockade again.”

  I grab his wrist firmly and look him dead in the eyes.

  “If you pull any stunts tonight, you are going to beg for solitary confinement, if only to keep you safe from me!”

  He gives me a half-assed salute and rushes from the house with a wide grin across his face. I look up at the sky and sigh.

  “God help me, please keep him out of trouble.”

  Abby snuggles up under my arm and smiles.

  “Don’t worry, Daddy. She will.”

  Chapter 16 - Hayden

  “Maya, you call THAT inconspicuous?”

  “What? Can’t a girl be stylish while being hidden?”

  “Of course she can… JUST NOT IN PINK CAMO! Do you see anything outside of our school that would allow you to blend in? If this was breast cancer month, you might have a point, but given that it isn’t, you stick out like a sore penis in a vagina convention!”

  Ethan immediately pats me on the back while Joo-Eun rolls her eyes. Tyrese looks in the other direction but I’m pretty sure I see him smirking. Maya folds her arms across her chest and starts to pout. “What do you have against pink? Didn’t you use it in that whole tank-painting prank?”

  “Only because I knew it would annoy my father. For me personally? I can’t stand the color. It reminds me of my annoying sister. I don’t partake of it in my wardrobe. I think it is a rather ugly color.”

  Maya’s eyes go wide with shock. “You didn’t just… you didn’t…”

  Her tiny hands curl into fists and she starts to murmur to herself. I need help and fast. I look to the left for a lifeline. “Ethan, how about you?”

  He puts his hands out in front of him and takes two steps back. “Ohhhhh nooooo! Do not drag me into this. Look at her face, Hayden. That’s fifty shades of red right there! That chick is one pink-bashing comment away from yanking your scrotum off like it’s a sheet of paper towel. As Maya’s friend since kindergarten, I learned long ago to NEVER get into a color debate with her!”

  “Seriously?”

  “Dude, what do you need her to do to prove it? Scream? How would that fit into your master plan?”

  I look at Maya, who looks like she hasn’t had a breath in the last five minutes. I drop down on one knee and say, “Maya, I have never loved pink until I saw it on you. Now that I see just how it sparkles against your skin, I find myself falling in love with it!”

  “What about my eyes?!”

  “Oh the pink eye shadow is definitely an improvement on the standard. It makes your eyes glitter and shine like a movie star. You could be on the arm of James Bond!”

  “Which one?”

  “Which eye?”

  “Which Bond?”

  “Daniel Craig?”

  Maya thinks about it for a moment and smiles. “Sean Connery would also have been acceptable, but I’ll take Sir Beefcake any day!”

  Tyrese taps me on the back and smiles. “Way to defuse that bomb!”

  “Thanks, but you could have helped!”

  “Where would the fun have been in that?”

  He winks at me and then wanders over to Joo-Eun, who is currently studying something growing on the side of one of the trees in the field. I take out my binoculars and watch the caretaker drive away. We wait a few moments for the twilight sky to change to black and the area becomes completely still.

  I tilt the camera on my shoulder and make sure the picture is at the angle that I like. After a few minor adjustments, I look over at the rest of the gang and say, “Alright guys, let’s do this!”

  “Make sure you get my good side!” Maya says to the camera.

  “And which side is that?”

  “All of them! You silly boy!”

  Tyrese and Ethan both pat me empathetically on the back. I grin in return.

  “So everyone, are we ready?”

  They all nod.

  “Then let’s go.”

  As quietly as possible, we make our way towards the school. About halfway across the field, Ethan tugs at my sleeve.

  “What is it Ethan? What’s wrong?”

  “I have to tell you something important.”

  “What?”

  “Shhhh!” he whispers and then moves past me with a wink. I stand there and blink repeatedly. Maya and Tyrese pat me on the face and giggle as they pass. We reach the back of the school without incident and I smile at the lack of cameras.

  I feel a gentle tug at my shirt and turn around to find Joo-Eun staring up at me. I can’t help but laugh at the pristine white lab coat that she now has over her dark clothing.

  “Excuse me, Hayden but what exactly is my purpose here?”

  “You are here to make sure that we don’t waste time!”

  Her eyes go very bright and she whips out her wrist from under her sleeve. I actually hear a snap in the air as she does it. Her expression becomes serious and her usual meek and scattered voice is firm and purposeful. With her other hand, she pulls out a small notebook and a pen. She stares down at her watch and I can actually see her eyes following the second hand.

  “Okay, give me the times!”

  I actually step back at the vehemence in her voice.

  I look over at the school and say, “We need to be quick. The Board of Education got smart and has a private security company patrolling their sites throughout the night. If any of them do a sweep of the building and see our climbing rope, we’re fried! They even come inside every now and again to inspect the buildings. We need to be fast and we have to be silent. All schools are now equipped with motion and break glass sensors wired directly to the company’s mainframe.”

  Maya considers my comment for a moment. “What’s the company name?”

  “Why? It doesn’t have pink or purple in the name or logo!”

  “Hayden, there are times in your life when a woman is going to ask you to do something. You want my advice? Keep those pretty little thoughts of yours in your head and give her what she wants!”

  “Is this one of those times?”

  Maya rolls her eyes at me and then kicks me in the shins. “What do YOU think?”

  I rub at my leg and whisper, “Securicon Enterprises.”

  Maya pats me on my face and replies, “Thanks sweet cheeks.” She then pulls out her phone and begins tapping away.

  I turn my attention back to the wall and run my fingers through the grooves between bricks. I immediately start to swear under my breath.

  “What’s wrong, Matthews?”

  “We need to get up this wall. There is a ventilation duct on the roof right above us that leads into the main office. It is wide enough for all of us to crawl through. We just need to get up there. I’m a pretty good climber, but not with hand and footholds that are this shallow.”

&n
bsp; Joo-Eun immediately pipes up. “That would be due to the prevailing winds that typically force dust and debris against this side of the building. I have noticed that the mortar on this side is at least an eighth of an inch thinner than on the other.”

  “Thanks for that informative and yet totally useless piece of information, Joo-Eun!”

  Apparently the tone in my voice was a bit harsh, because the scowl on Tyrese’s face is making a cold shiver shoot up my back. Ethan sniggers in the background, looks at Tyrese and says, “Easy, Tank. Matthews didn’t mean to be an asshole, he just comes by it naturally. How about you take yourself down to DEFCON Four?”

  I look on in horror as the knots in Tyrese’s arms and shoulders relax. It’s like watching the spring on a trigger uncoil just before the hammer comes down. I wipe the cold sweat off my brow and continue. “Thanks to Mother Nature, we’re going to have to find another way…”

  Before I can finish my sentence, Tyrese grabs the pack off my back and jumps into the air. He gains at least four feet in vertical height as his arms reach up and latch onto the flagpole sticking out from the wall. Like an Olympic gymnast, he makes two complete revolutions around the bar before flipping upwards in a somersault position. His trajectory takes him at least three feet over the roof and I get nervous that he missed his mark. Instead, he spirals the extra distance away and comes to a catlike stop on the roof above us. Seconds later, the climbing rope I had put in the pack is now hanging down in front of my face.

  “Does that help?” he whispers down with a snicker.

  “A little…” I reply with a grin.

  I test the rope to make sure it is secure. Once I am satisfied, I look at Maya and say, “Ladies first!”

  Maya smiles wide and gives me a playful kiss on the cheek. She then looks over at Ethan and says, “See? Girls appreciate a little bit of chivalry every now and again!”

  Ethan just laughs at her and says, “Yeah right. Matthews just wants you to climb up first because of your overly tight yoga pants. I bet you flash quite the camel toe in those puppies!”

  I’ve never seen a face slap make someone spin around in a circle before falling down, but there is a first time for everything I suppose.