by Shona Husk
She wished she knew how to help him, but this was something he had to work out for himself, the same way she’d had to.
He sighed. ‘Self-fulfilling prophecy.’
‘Got lyrics for that?’
Dan laughed and Gemma realised it had been a while since she’d heard him laugh. For how long had he been unhappy? Over how many months had the situation with Lisa unfolded? She didn’t know.
‘No…maybe I should work on it.’
‘Yeah, maybe you should.’
At some point they’d have to all sit down and try to put something together. Right now that felt too much like work, and they were all tired and needing a break, in spite the need for momentum breathing down their necks. If they didn’t cough up, then someone else would be ready to step up.
He stood up and dusted the sand off his jeans. ‘Thank you for listening.’
‘You’d have done the same.’ She hoped that was true. ‘What are you going to do now?’
‘Nothing.’ he shook his head. ‘Did you want to have pizza at Mike’s?’
She looked at him, but there didn’t seem to be an ulterior motive hidden in the invitation. ‘Nah. I’m catching up with Kirsten.’
‘Your parents being cool?’
Gemma sighed. She didn’t want to have that conversation. ‘Same as always.’
‘That sucks.’ He pushed his hands into his pockets and he started walking toward the car park with her.
Yes it did.
‘Do you ever wonder if you’re doing the right thing?’ he asked as they reached her car.
She didn’t want Selling the Sun to vanish, it was all she had. If Dan had seriously thought about quitting, had the others?
Had there been conversations she hadn’t been a part of? No, she couldn’t think like that.
‘Every day, lately…but I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.’ Regardless of the ups and downs, she loved her job. Was Dan asking about the band or Lisa? If it was Lisa he’d probably dodged a bullet, but she couldn’t think of a nice way to say it and he wasn’t ready to hear it. When he was, he’d work that out for himself. ‘Have fun tonight.’
‘You too.’
Despite the nerves, she was looking forward to seeing Kirsten and staying over. She wanted to be able to share that excitement. The thrill of seeing someone new. Kirsten might have been her best friend for years, but they’d be stepping off the edge and changing what they had. Hopefully for the better.
‘And if you girls get bored, give me and Mike a call and we’ll help you out.’ Dan grinned and stepped out of range so she couldn’t punch him in the arm.
She settled for flipping him the bird before getting into her car.
He waved, but he wasn’t smiling anymore. Gemma had no doubts that he and Mike would be having a big one. Usually she’d have joined them, but tonight she was hoping for some wine and a quiet evening in. As she drove, she tried not to think about all the ways it could all go wrong. Dan didn’t hold all the cards in the disastrous relationships deck.
Chapter 6
Inviting Gemma had been easy and dinner was almost feeling like old times, except Kirsten was wondering about what would happen afterwards and kept losing track of the conversation. Ed and Gemma were busy regaling them with stories of life on the road — the awful bits that were only funny in hindsight.
When her father asked how they were going with writing new stuff, things got awkward.
‘Nothing is grabbing us in the right way.’ Gemma said as she twirled her wine glass.
Ed nodded. ‘There seems to be more riding on this one. It should be easier but it’s harder.’
‘Trying too hard?’ Kirsten teased, trying to lighten the mood. Her effort fell flat.
Gemma’s wineglass stilled and she glanced at Ed. ‘Fear of failing.’
Was Gemma talking about the music or letting Ed down? Kirsten knew Ed had kept his friends away from her, the over-protective elder brother. He’d made sure the guys in the band knew she was off limits — did that mean Gemma too? Was she having doubts and feeling off kilter? Kirsten looked at her brother. Was Gemma one of the guys in this case?
No. She’d known Gemma for longer than Ed. She’d been Gemma’s friend long before she’d joined the band.
Ed shrugged. ‘I got as much nothing as you. We’re all dry.’
‘Kirsten has a point. You need to stop thinking about it and trying to force it,’ their father said.
‘The studio time is booked. We have to get it done.’
‘Or give up and get a real job.’ Silence followed their father’s reminder.
It was an ever-present threat. Until Ed moved out for good, it would always be there. It made her career choice of hairdressing look good. But today there was no joy in being the sensibly employed child. Ed and Gemma both looked grim and she was about to prove to herself that she wasn’t as boring and sensible as everyone thought by sleeping with Gemma.
Was she using Gemma to rebel?
It was a bit late for teenage rebellion. Besides, when she looked at Gemma her heart pumped a little harder, the way it did when she was with a guy that she wanted to jump. It had been before the kiss that she’d realised Gemma had an effect on her. Maybe it was when Gemma had first started travelling with Selling the Sun, and Kirsten went weeks without seeing her. But she’d always squashed the feeling. The kiss had changed that, and then she’d panicked because it had changed everything she thought she knew about herself.
Imagine if she hadn’t freaked out?
Gemma poured herself another glass of wine. Kirsten held out her glass for more, but Ed and her parents declined.
‘You’re staying tonight, Gemma?’ Kirsten’s mother asked — because of how much alcohol Gemma had consumed? Or because of the conversation she and Kirsten had earlier in the week?
This was the wrong time to be bringing that up. Kirsten was suddenly too hot and, while no one was staring at her, it felt as if they all knew. She sneaked a peek at Gemma under her lashes but Gemma was acting cool, as if nothing were different to any other time she’d stayed over, which had been a lot before the tour had started.
‘If that’s all right, Mrs Vincent?’ Gemma’s voice was calm, as though nothing were the slightest bit odd.
‘It’s always all right. The spare room is always available if your place is too crowded or you and Ed suddenly get inspired.’
Gemma’s cheeks turned pink and she took a sip of wine, she gave Kirsten a very pointed look, and then smiled at Kirsten’s mother. ‘Thanks. My brothers, in my absence, started using my bedroom as a storage room.’
Kirsten heard the bite in Gemma’s words. All was not well at home, not that it was unusual. Nor was it odd that Gemma hadn’t spoken about it. She tended not to. Her strategy was avoidance. It was why she’d broached the subject with her mother; she hadn’t expected her mother to be so forward. It would be just like Gemma to go home to prove she didn’t need help.
‘It will be like we never left,’ Ed said. Kirsten couldn’t decide if he meant that in a good way or a bad way.
Then he got up, ‘Thanks for dinner. I’m going to head out.’ He glanced at Kirsten, and she shook her head. Not this time. This evening was just for her and Gemma and sorting out what the hell was going on.
‘So what are you two planning to do?’ her mother smiled.
Gemma looked at her plate.
‘We were going to watch a movie, talk, catch up.’ Have sex, possibly…she had no idea. Awkward. At least her parents didn’t suspect and her dad wasn’t trying to be friendly and pretending to like the guy she was dating. They already liked Gemma. Win!
How they’d feel if things went further, she didn’t know.
‘We’ll clean up, Mrs Vincent.’ Gemma stood and started gathering plates before anyone could disagree. That was Gemma trying to escape scrutiny. It was more obvious now than it had been before, or at least it was to Kirsten. She’d always thought Gemma the brave one, the person who’d jump off the end
of the pier and into the ocean without a second thought.
In part that was true, but when it came to personal stuff Gemma wasn’t brave or fearless. It was as if she didn’t want anyone to see what was going on inside, unless it was in her music.
A little later, her parents went upstairs where they had their own sitting room. Except for the kitchen and laundry, it was almost two separate houses. They’d moved in when Kirsten had been twelve and it had seemed huge, now with Ed back it was full. She glanced at Gemma; no, her house wasn’t full. Gemma’s was. And Gemma parents would not be okay with anything Gemma was doing.
Together they cleared away the plates and loaded the dishwasher, the way they had so many times.
‘Another glass of wine?’ She hoped Gemma said yes, because she really needed another and she didn’t want to be drinking alone.
‘Yes. What movies have you got?’
Did she actually want to watch a movie? ‘I’m sure there’ll be something on my laptop, or we can buy something new.’
Gemma picked up the half bottle of wine. ‘Let’s go have some fun then.’
Kirsten smiled but her nerves had grabbed a hold and were refusing to let go. This was more nerve-racking than any first time naked encounter, even though Gemma had seen her in her underwear before…but it was Gemma. She cared more about Gemma, and knew more about Gemma than any guy she’d ever slept with. With them it had been lust first and a relationship second. She’d never really done it the other way around. Would it have been different if she had?
Yeah, she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have started sleeping with most of them if she’d spent years getting to know them first.
Gemma put the bottle and glass down on the bedside table, then flopped onto the bed the way she had so many times before. The TV was perfectly positioned on the opposite wall and connected to Kirsten’s laptop. She could move out of home, but renting in Fremantle and living this close to work and everything would mean she wouldn’t be able to do anything. Besides her parents weren’t trying to get rid of her — probably because they lived upstairs and she paid board and cooked dinner twice a week.
She flicked open her laptop and started looking through films she’d already purchased. ‘What do want to watch?’
‘Doesn’t matter as I probably haven’t seen it anyway.’ She smiled, her gaze drifting over Kirsten, not bothering to hide that she was checking her out.
‘In that case…’ She hit play on Sherlock Holmes despite having watched it a few times before, and then sat down next to Gemma.
After a moment she put her hand on Gemma’s thigh. When Gemma didn’t do anything, she decided it was up to her to make the first move. She turned and kissed her; the desire was there, simmering below the surface, but uncertainty created ripples that she wasn’t used to. Gemma responded, her tongue brushing Kirsten’s lip, then tasting and dancing.
‘I don’t want to rush you,’ Gemma murmured as her hand trailed over Kirsten’s hip and pulled her closer.
‘You’re not.’ It wasn’t that she hadn’t had sex before, but she’d never had sex with a woman before.
‘Okay, then I don’t want to rush. We don’t have to leap straight in. It’s cool.’ Gemma smiled, but it was strained around the edges.
‘You don’t want to?’
‘If I screw up, there’s a whole lot more to lose. Let’s just watch the movie.’ While her words pushed Kirsten away, her arm kept her close.
Kirsten settled in, well aware that even this was different. Their bodies were touching from head to toe. She could smell Gemma’s perfume and shampoo. All of it was light and floral, and almost too girly for Gemma, at least at first glance.
About halfway through the movie, Gemma spoke. ‘Why did you tell your mum about my family?’
‘I didn’t. I asked her if it would be okay if you stayed over on a more permanent basis because living with three younger brothers has to be hard.’
‘Much like living with my three older adopted brothers.’
‘It that what it’s like?’ She often wondered how Gemma survived being surrounded by guys all the time at home, and then with the band. Kirsten would go crazy being trapped with Ed for any length of time.
‘Pretty much.’
‘You’re one of the guys.’
Gemma’s shoulder shrugged beneath Kirsten’s head. ‘Not really. Sometimes they treat me like the kid sister who needs to be looked after. Which was handy in a couple of the rougher places, and they’d never let me get a cab alone. On the other hand, it can get a little weird when someone’s picked up and then they get all freaked out like I’m going to say something.’
‘Do you?’
‘Most of the time I keep quiet. If I don’t butt in, they won’t butt into my private life…that’s the theory anyway.’ She glanced at Kirsten. ‘You aren’t worried about what your parents will think?’
Not in the same way Gemma was. ‘They won’t disown me or anything, or at least I don’t think they will. Would you rather stay in the spare room tonight?’
‘You want me to stay here?’ Gemma didn’t try to hide the joy in her eyes.
‘Yeah, I do. It won’t be the first time you’ve slept in my bed.’
‘I know…but now that you know…’
Kirsten propped herself up on one elbow and looked at Gemma. ‘You don’t have to try and protect me, or yourself.’ She touched Gemma’s cheek. ‘I want you and I want to explore this with you…even if I don’t know exactly what I’m doing.’
‘I’m not that experienced.’
‘No, but you’re sure in your heart. I’m not.’ At the back of her mind she wondered if Gemma would be enough. There was more to sex than tongue and fingers…and what if she needed more? ‘This might sound dumb, but don’t you ever feel like…dick?’
Gemma laughed. ‘I have a vibrator. It reaches places I can’t.’ She kissed Kirsten softly. ‘It’s the person, not the equipment.’
Kirsten felt the heat rise up her cheeks; she closed her eyes and tried to will it away.
‘Don’t worry, I asked plenty of weird questions my first few times. We’ll muddle through okay.’
This time Gemma didn’t pull away as Kirsten moved closer and stole another, deeper kiss.
Chapter 7
There was one quick rap on the bedroom door then it was flung open.
‘I need to get my wetsuit, can you get Gemma out of the spare room...’ Ed’s voice trailed off at the end.
Gemma sat up as panic hit hard; for a second she thought she was in a hotel room, then she realised that someone was next to her. She glanced down and saw Kirsten opening her eyes, then Gemma looked at Ed who was frozen in the doorway.
She should have stayed still and pretended she wasn’t here.
Kirsten paled and rolled over, grabbing the sheet around her. ‘Could you wait until I give you the all clear before you barge in?’
Ed stood there for a few seconds longer, his gaze flicking between Kirsten and Gemma before he took a step back. He closed the door without a word, but he didn’t need to say anything. The look on his face; the way his frown had given way to realisation. He looked like he’d been given bad news and didn’t know how to swallow it.
‘Shit.’ Gemma jumped out of bed and began pulling on clothes. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t meant to be like this. No one was supposed to know. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Her heart was thumping hard. She raked her fingers through her hair.
‘Do you think he suspects?’
‘We were both naked.’ If they’d put on pyjamas they might have gotten away with it, but it had been so nice to stay the night and feel Kirsten against her. It would have been nicer if they hadn’t been woken up. ‘He knows.’
Kirsten drew the sheets tighter around her and bit her lip. ‘What do we do?’
She had no idea. She wasn’t ready to be telling people anything. It was one thing to know herself, but another to make it public knowledge and put herself out there for judgment. The music
was different. She could deal with that, change it. But her sexuality was part of her and she couldn’t change that.
When she looked at Kirsten’s worried face, she knew she was going to have to take the hit. Ed wasn’t her family, no matter how much time she spent with him or how close they were.
Gemma drew in a breath. ‘I’m going to talk to Ed.’
‘No. I should.’ Kirsten didn’t sound very convinced. She slid off the bed draped in the sheet, as if she were now embarrassed to be naked around Gemma.
Gemma tried to ignore the small stab, like a fine piece of glass weaving into her heart. ‘You’re his sister. Let him be mad at me first. Then you can go in and smooth it over.’
Plus it was her job on the line. It was always going to be her job on the line when she came out eventually. Perhaps that’s why she’d been putting it off; she didn’t want the ride to be over, and while the band was having a rough time she didn’t actually want Selling the Sun to break up. As she looked at Kirsten, she knew she was going to fight for her and the band. Why should she have to choose?
Did she really want to be forced out, or would she rather walk out with her chin up? She didn’t know. She’d have to go by feel.
‘He shouldn’t have come in.’ Kirsten looked like she was going to cry. ‘He doesn’t if I have a boyfriend over.’
Gemma put her arms around her. Ed had assumed that she was in the guest room. He was working on a logical assumption. It wasn’t his fault that he’d caught them in bed together. ‘It will be okay.’
‘I’m not ready for this.’
Neither was she, but hiding was no longer an option. ‘I know.’
The Vincents were going to toss her out. No, that was what her parents would do. Kirsten’s parents were better than that. She hoped. She hoped Ed would get over the shock and be cool. Yeah, and if she truly believed that she’d have come out months ago to her band mates, not done her best to act straight, or at least neutral.