by Shona Husk
‘Wish me luck.’ She gave Kirsten a kiss on the cheek. But Kirsten had clammed up, as she worried about what everyone would say.
Damn Ed. It would have been so much easier if they’d been able to keep it quiet for longer. If Kirsten changed her mind, no one would’ve known about her dabble with girls. Maybe she wouldn’t have and they’d have been happy together for the rest of their lives. She gave Kirsten a little squeeze. ‘Ed’s a decent guy.’
Usually.
Probably not so much now that she was sleeping with his sister.
‘If he throws me out, I’ll give you a call a little later. Okay?’ Gemma tried to sound confident. Kirsten expected her to have the answers, but she was winging it and hoping for the best. The story of her life.
Kirsten nodded. ‘Are you going to tell him the truth?’
‘I think I have to.’ Gemma released Kirsten and opened the door. She gave Kirsten a thumbs up and an overly bright grin. I am so screwed. Then shut the door so that hopefully Kirsten wouldn’t hear any arguing.
It might be best for everyone if he had grabbed his wetsuit and gone for a surf. By the time he got home hopefully the initial shock would have worn off and they could talk like adults. Right now she didn’t feel very grown up. She felt like that same scared seventeen year old who’d kissed her first girl and was praying no one would realise she was gay by simply looking at her. After a week she’d realised no neon sign had gone up declaring her sexuality.
This wasn’t quite the same. She moved quietly through the house, almost holding her breath, hoping he was gone. She stopped in the kitchen doorway. Ed was in the kitchen making coffee and staring out the window.
‘How long have you been sleeping with my sister?’ He didn’t turn to look at her.
‘It’s not quite like that.’ They had done more than kiss, but not much more. There had certainly been no hands in pants…no, she’d done that herself afterward. She’d had to.
‘The fight you had was a lovers’ tiff, wasn’t it?’
‘No. It was a falling out of friends.’ She had to step up and stop misdirecting him. ‘Over a kiss.’
Ed turned around to face her, he was scowling, but at least there was no anger blazing in his eyes. ‘You both have boyfriends, had boyfriends.’
Gemma nodded. ‘I outgrew mine…they weren’t what I wanted.’
Ed grimaced. ‘If you were a man I’d have dragged you out of her bed and punched you.’
‘Really? Kirsten’s had plenty of boyfriends and I don’t remember you hitting a single one of them. Or is this because you didn’t expect to see me there?’
He looked away without answering. ‘You’re supposed to be her friend.’ His voice was soft, as if he was trying to make sense of what he’d seen.
‘I am her friend, which why I’m here talking to you so you don’t tear into her.’
‘You made her do this?’
‘Get over yourself. I didn’t make Kirsten do anything. She wanted to try.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t get it.’
‘You don’t have to. It’s between me and her.’ And it was. Ed had no right to judge either of their relationships, and they didn’t need his seal of approval. Although it could make her position precarious. What if they all voted to get rid of her and get a guy to replace her? Someone who was less trouble?
‘Is it a thing, will you grow out of it, Gem?’
Gemma rolled her eyes. This was why she’d never told anyone. The easy answer would be to agree, sure she’d grow out of it, it was a phase, whatever. But she was tired of not being able to say what was on her mind. When the guys were checking out girls, so was she and she wanted to join in the conversation.
‘I’ve known I liked women since I was sixteen. I don’t think I’m going to grow out of it.’
‘But you dated a guy last year.’ Ed’s coffee cup was in his hand and he hadn’t taken a single drink.
She’d made it look like they were dating, and Jake had been happy to play along, as he wasn’t exactly out, although he was more open than she was. ‘No, he was gay and hoping you’d notice him. We had fun, and we’re still friends even though I had to defend your straightness.’
Ed sat down heavily as if he couldn’t take anymore. ‘All this time, I thought you were shy and that was why you never talked about your love-life. You’re a lesbian.’
This was going about as well as she’d expected.
‘Actually I’m Gemma. Guitarist, vocalist, song writer…and if you can’t get your head around the fact that I like to sleep with women as much as you do, maybe you should look at replacing me.’
As soon as the words were out of her mouth she regretted saying them. She didn’t want him to use that to get rid of her.
He looked up. ‘I know the band is having a dry patch, but we can get past it.’
‘Can we? How are the others going to react? I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was scared of what would happen. Kirsten and I were hoping to keep it quiet until we worked things out. We aren’t sure what’s going on.’ She placed her hands on the back of a chair and looked at Ed. ‘Don’t be a prick to her. Apologise for barging into her room and leave it at that.’
‘She’s my little sister.’
‘And is she dating some jerk?’
He pulled a face. ‘You can’t date her. The one rule was that no one in the band dates her.’
Actually it was none of the guys could date her, he’d never said Gemma couldn’t, but now wasn’t the right time to be pointing that out. ‘Kirsten and I have been friends a lot longer than the band has been in existence.’
There was no way Ed and his rules were going to stop her from being friends with Kirsten. Gemma didn’t want to lose Kirsten from her life again.
‘This isn’t just about Kirsten.’ There was an edge in his voice that hadn’t been there before. ‘It’s bigger than that.’
She looked at him. ‘You think I don’t get that? Why do you think I’ve been discreet, why do you think I’ve told no one? Shit, not even my parents know.’ And today was not a good day to tell them. She couldn’t handle her whole life falling apart all at once. She was sure that if he hadn’t caught her with Kirsten, Ed would have been okay with it. ‘I’m going to go.’
She got three paces before he spoke. ‘I’m going to get the guys together. It’s time we talked anyway.’
Gemma glanced over her shoulder. ‘And am I invited?’ Was she still part of Selling the Sun, or was he going to get the others to rally against her? She fisted her hands to stop them from shaking.
‘Yes. Make sure you’re available.’
Kirsten had taken the coward’s choice and stayed in her room for another hour. She’d heard Ed pace up the corridor, stop as if thinking about knocking and then move on. She didn’t know what to say to him. She didn’t want to say anything; they should never have been discovered. It wasn’t that she was embarrassed, but she was unsure. This was all new to her, but it was Gemma’s reality. It was what she’d hidden every day since she was sixteen, well aware that she’d be judged because of it.
She should’ve gone out there with her. They should’ve faced Ed together. Once again she’d let Gemma down. Kirsten tried Gemma’s phone but she wasn’t answering. What had Ed said?
The joy of last night’s tentative discovery had been totally eclipsed by Ed.
She showered and dressed, then helped herself to breakfast, not sure how she was going to spend the day. Not with Gemma, apparently. After a second cup of coffee by herself, she went out the back to the shed. While some of it was filled with her father’s tools and junk, the other half was neatly organised. It was her space.
With Ed and his band taking over the garage, it had been seemed fair that she get a corner somewhere that was hers. It was where she and Gemma, at fifteen, had drunk a can of beer snuck out of the fridge. Where she’d thumped clay until the hurt of another breakup had dissipated.
Where she’d cried when Gemma had left and she ha
dn’t said goodbye because they hadn’t been talking. Since she didn’t feel like going anywhere or talking to anyone, spending some time turning clay into something would be a good use of her time. The grotesque she’d started weeks ago remained unfinished. A hideous beastie that made her smile whenever she looked at him. Except today.
No one was supposed to know about her and Gemma. It was supposed to be their secret. She caught herself — was she embarrassed to be seen with Gemma all of a sudden?
No, that wasn’t it. It was more concern about what people would think. And her life was boring compared to Gemma’s. She pinched off some clay and banged it around for a while, not making anything, just thinking. She should’ve faced Ed and told him to butt out, not left it to Gemma, but Gemma had to deal with him for work. Work had to come first and she had to respect Gemma’s relationship with her brother.
She wiped her hand and tried Ed and Gemma’s mobiles, and got nothing. They were both ignoring her. Well, Ed was probably out dodging sharks and Gemma was probably sitting somewhere with her guitar, some chewing gum, a pencil and a bit of paper, oblivious to everything else.
‘Did you want some lunch?’ Her mother stood in the doorway looking at the lump of nothing that Gemma had been working on all morning.
‘I’m not really hungry.’ She didn’t want to do anything. She wasn’t sure she knew who she was anymore.
‘You want to talk?’
What had her mother heard?
Kirsten shook her head. She couldn’t talk to anyone because she didn’t know what the problem was. She loved Gemma more than she’d ever loved anyone else. Did she love her any differently now than she had before? She didn’t think so, so why was it so hard to talk about? Would her mother be disappointed, or push her away?
Her parents were a lot more liberal than Gemma’s. She could only imagine the hell Gemma was going through thinking about telling her parents. Maybe she wouldn’t.
‘Ed and Gemma left very early this morning.’ Her mother leaned against the metal doorframe.
‘He went surfing.’
‘Did you and Gemma have another fight?’
Kirsten shook her head. ‘No.’ They’d taken things to a whole other level; her body warmed thinking about it. It was getting too hot in the shed. ‘She took off because of Ed.’
‘He’ll come around.’
Kirsten looked up at her mother. ‘What do you mean?’ What did her mother think was going on?
‘You and Gemma…you’re back together, right?’
‘Um…we were never together before.’
Her mother frowned. ‘Really? You were so devastated after the argument I thought you must have broken up. That and you hadn’t brought a boyfriend around for over a year.’
Had her mum forgotten about Craig? No, she hadn’t brought him around. He’d never wanted to come around — that would make things too serious — she’d always gone to his place. They’d dated for a couple of months before the wheels had fallen off.
‘You thought I was dating Gemma?’ Her parents already thought she’d switched sides.
‘Aren’t you?’ Her mother lifted one eyebrow.
Was she? It seemed that way, not that anything had really changed except that now they were kind of sleeping together. ‘I think I am. If Ed hasn’t ruined everything.’
‘Like I said, he’ll come round. Your father did.’
‘Oh my God. Dad thinks I’m a lesbian?’ She needed a drink, or three. Actually, there would never be enough alcohol for this conversation. She mashed the clay flat with the side of her fist. The clay made an unsatisfying squish.
‘You and Gemma were always so close, we assumed that you two were together after a while. I think she’s a lovely girl.’ Her mother smiled.
Kirsten forced her lips to move into something that resembled a smile.
‘Are you sure you don’t want some lunch?’
Oh, she was never going inside again. She’d never be able to look her father in the eye. And she was going to kill Ed. ‘I’m fine.’
When Gemma heard this she was going to die.
Chapter 8
Mike had a delightful one bedroom flat in East Fremantle that right now was rather full. Her guitars were there and so was all of Dan’s stuff, since Lisa had kicked him out and was keeping their rented house. Mike looked as if he wanted to grab a rubbish bin and fill it. That Ed and Gemma had descended on the place didn’t help.
Ed had brought pizzas, and while they smelled great, she was rather sick of pizza, and she wasn’t sure she would be able to swallow anything if she did start eating. She was too tense. Ed might have said it was a general meeting when he’d asked everyone to be here, but she didn’t believe it. He was barely making eye contact with her and barely talking to anyone and he shovelled in a couple of slices as though he hadn’t eaten pizza in a year.
She was sure he was going to tell them. It wasn’t his secret to tell. Fuck, it shouldn’t be a secret. They had bigger problems than who she slept with, like their inability to string two chords together and write new material.
Everyone knew something was up. There was none of the usual banter that happened that happened when they got together.
Ed finished his slice of pizza and took a drink. ‘Well, I guess you all know this isn’t a casual get-together, so I’ll talk while we eat.’
There were a couple of grunts of approval. Gemma nodded. Her pizza going cold and greasy in her hand. No one was looking at her weird, so Ed hadn’t told Mike and Dan yet. Perhaps she should give him a little bit more credit.
‘Over the last few months we’ve been cutting into each other pretty hard. It’s showing. Yeah, it’s been a year of changes but we’re falling apart.’ He took a swig of soft drink. ‘Dan, you got to stop hitting on Gemma. I know you’re friends, but it’s pissing her off.’
She held her breath, waiting for the obvious to follow. It didn’t.
‘Mike and I need to pull out heads in and stop picking up fans. It will take one baby rumour or other scandal and our reputations will be hit hard. Currently we have one moderately successful album, two ARIA nominations and that’s it. So unless you all want to start looking for regular jobs tomorrow, we need to get out shit together.’ He looked at each of them. ‘I don’t want to be another Freo band that almost made it. I want to be one of the successes.’
‘That’s big footprints to follow.’ Mike said.
‘But we can do it. We have the potential to be bigger, but if we don’t make use of what we’ve learned this year we have wasted a year, and wasted a chance that other bands would kill for.’ He smiled, but it was tight. ‘So, are we going to try and get this second album written, or do we quit?’
Dan put his pizza down. ‘I’m sorry, Gemma. I like you, and after Lisa, she always thought…I didn’t mean to screw up our working relationship.’
Ed was staring at her. He hadn’t said anything, but he expected her to say something. The way Dan was looking, all guilty as if he was the only one responsible for the tension in the band, she had to say something. Perhaps she should’ve told him on the beach in private, but he’d had his own bombshell to drop so it hadn’t been the right time. Was there ever a right time?
Her palms became clammy and her heart beat an uncertain rhythm. ‘It’s okay, Dan, I get it. But in this case it really is me, not you.’
‘Whatever. I was being serious.’ He picked up his drink, resentment burning in his eyes before he looked away.
‘I like you, as a friend. I like writing with you, playing with you…’ She took a deep breath. ‘If you were a chick, I’d totally fuck you because we click.’
She was pretty sure that Mike and Dan stopped breathing. She could hear the traffic outside, and the neighbours TV. And no one said anything. She should’ve phrased it better.
Dan choked on his drink. ‘What?’
‘I like girls.’ She looked at the other guys. Ed looked slightly more relieved now it was out. She was out. Kind of. ‘I’ve known
for a while, but I kept it to myself because I didn’t know how to say it and I didn’t want to find myself out of the band.’
Mike was shaking his head. ‘So all those times I was checking out some chick, you were checking her out too?’
‘Possibly, although my tastes are less skanky than yours.’
‘Tattoos and piercings do not make a girl skanky, and they are great conversation starters.’ Mike ran his tongue over his lip ring and then gave her a wink. She was fairly sure that was the only piercing he had. Given that long conversations weren’t his thing, that was probably all he was going to say on the matter.
Did that mean it was going to be okay? She looked at Ed and raised her eyebrows.
‘You knew.’ Dan pointed at Ed.
‘She spoke to me today.’ Ed glanced at her. He was going to keep her relationship with Kirsten a secret. ‘But we both agreed that it may not be the right time to go public.’
‘Definitely not the right time.’ Hell no, she didn’t want that. Her parents were going to freak out as it was. Since Ed was being okay, she hoped Kirsten’s parents were also going to be all right. She smiled. ‘But it will be nice to be myself. I was tired of pretending to be someone else. You’re all cool?’
The guys nodded and she let a little of the tension drain away, but she wasn’t ready to start hoping that all their problems were over.
‘We really need to come up with a new material. The studio time has been confirmed for March. Take a day or two, do some thinking and try and work out what the second album means to you, and rather than trying to write on the road, we’ll get together in the garage and throw some things around like we used to.’ Ed looked at everyone in turn. ‘Unless you have a better idea?’
No one answered.
They had been taking time off and all it had given them was more time to realise they had nothing.
Gemma glanced around then spoke up. ‘And if we still have nothing?’
What if she only had enough songs in her for one album and they’d all been used up?
‘Then we make something. We used to put together all kinds of rubbish. How many songs did we write before we picked the ones for the album?’ He helped himself to another piece of pizza. ‘That was my realisation today while I was surfing. We’ve been trying to write something for an album instead of just writing and letting the album come together.’