January and the Single Heart

by Zetterwall, Vi

  “My gosh! No wonder you’re not married. You can’t have that attitude girl. This one’s a keeper. Do you know that when I talked to him, I slipped and started talking about my kids! Most guys walk away but he listened to me. I mean really listened!”

  Jennifer jumped in too, “And when I talked to him, he hardly said a word about himself but he talked about you like you walked on water. And then, he asked me questions about my job and then after I told him, he asked some more detailed questions about what I do.”

  Jan was a bit lost. “OK. So?”

  “So! I have a dull job at the bakery. No one asks me about it and if I tell them anything they only pretend to listen. When he asked me about how we prepare the raisin rolls in the morning, that meant he truly listened to what I was saying. He listened! To me! And he asked questions and then listened some more. Girl, do have any idea how rare that is? I thought male listeners died off in the prehistoric years. You got a keeper, honey!”

  Jan shook her head and tried to slip out of their grasps. “I gotta go.”

  Hannah held tight. “Jan, what’s wrong? You look miserable. Tell us.”

  “I can’t. You could never understand. You’re both beautiful and have good husbands and your own families and we are not in the same universe. This thing with Glen isn’t what you think.”

  She walked to the other end of the Den and stopped, her face just inches away from the books on the shelf that covered the whole wall. “I love you two. And Mom and Dad and the others and I just don’t want to let you down. Mom is, well, Mom, and you both know what is most important to her. You’ve both made her happy with your choices and I’ve tried but it just isn’t happening for me. Events like this are just a huge reminder of that.”

  She walked back to face her sisters and gave them both a hug. As she broke away from Hannah, she said, “Glen and I are not really that close. It isn’t what it appears. I’m still a screw-up.” And then, as if her legs were going out from under her, she collapsed into the nearest chair and the tears poured out at a record pace. She buried her head in her hands and continued crying. She kept saying “I can’t do this. I have to go home. Now!” Hannah nodded at Jen and Jen left the room. When she returned, Glen was with her. Jen led him into the room, whispered something to him and both of Jan’s sisters left them alone. They stood outside the door guarding it against any untimely intrusion. Jan had been a Mom to them for three years when they needed her. Now, they were going to take care of their big sister for a change.

  Glen approached the chair where Jan sat crying. He briefly placed his hand on her shoulder and then, thinking better of it, removed it. “Hey, you OK?” It was a clumsy opening but he had to start with something.

  “I just want to go home. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “I know. It’s hard. But your Mom and Dad are going to have their special toast at ten o’clock and that is only 35 minutes away and, I don’t know, but I think your Mom would miss you if you weren’t here. What do you say? Think you can stick it out for a little longer?”

  “No, I need to go now.”

  “OK, I’ll take you out of her anytime you say. Whatever you want.” Glen paused for a bit and then continued, “… is that what you really want. To leave right now?”

  Jan was calming down a bit. The sobs had quit coming and she was dabbing her eyes. “Yes, let’s go now.”

  Glen stood up. And then softly, ever so quietly, he said, “Anything you want me to do, I will do right now. But I just want to say that I think your Mom is a wonderful person who is having the time of her life right now. Your Dad too. And I think if you left now, no matter how much pain you have in you tonight, they would feel even more if you don’t stay and celebrate with them. I think you are a good person with a good heart and I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret. But, that being said, I’ll leave now and go get the car for you and then we can go … if that is what you want.”

  Glen turned and walked to the door. As his hand rested on the knob, she called out, “Glen, don’t get the car … I … um … I’m being selfish … I should … I know I need to stay. Could you … could you send my sisters back in?”

  The grand finale to the party was the cutting of the cake and the raising of the champagne glasses by everyone as toast after toast ensued. With new make-up applied by her sisters, Jan got through the evening and actually laughed a few times as she did it.

  The ride home was a quiet one. Glen took her straight to her apartment on 70th and walked her to her door to make sure she was safe. Jan stifled another sob as she touched Glen on the arm and said, “Nothing has changed. I still would rather not socialize with you. But … thank you. I’ve got nothing else left in me. But thank you for what you did.” Then she slipped inside, closing and locking the door.

  PART THREE

  Monday morning was business as usual. As was Tuesday and Wednesday. But on Thursday, after three agonizing days of trying hard to avoid Jan in the hallways, break room or elevators, Glen had had enough. He placed three items in an envelope and sealed it shut. Then he turned to Lou.

  “I need you to do something for me.” He handed the envelope to Lou. “Would you just put this on Jan’s desk? If she asks, just say Glen needs you to open this.”

  Lou nodded his head in agreement. “So you’re gonna tell her? Watcha got in here? A picture of the chubber?”

  “Yeah, along with a copy of the local paper’s article and a note from me. She’ll probably give me hell but I don’t know what else to do. I just like her.”

  “It’s worth a shot. You know, it’s about time you start putting yourself back out there.” He paused for a moment. Serious topics rarely passed between them and it seemed a bit awkward. He broke the silence. “I’ll take it over now.” And with that, Lou left on what Glen thought may be his make or break chance. Lou returned a short time later and said, “Done. She wasn’t there. So I left it on her desk and told Grace what you said and she promised she would pass it on. Can’t say she sounded very encouraging.”

  “Whatever. Either way, it’s going to be over soon.”

  Soon did not come quickly. Glen got no response that day or the next. The weekend was painfully slow but Monday came and went with no more news. On Tuesday, Glen could take no more. He watched for his chance and when he saw Grace go into the break room alone, he strolled in nonchalantly and pretended to be surprised by her. “Oh hi Grace. How are you?”

  “I’m OK. You?”

  “Doing good. But … well, I’d be doing better if you … God, would you just put me out of my misery and tell me what Jan’s reaction was to my note?”

  Grace looked at him with more pity than disgust. Jan was right. He could be a bit charming and endearing when he wasn’t trying to cheat on his girlfriend. “Sorry, she chose not to open it. She threw it in the trash. I think it is best if you just let it go and move on. You should figure out who you want to be with and if it isn’t Vicky then do something about it. Otherwise, you need to leave her alone.”

  “She threw it out?”

  “Yes, and quickly. She really wants no part of you Glen.”

  Glen placed his mug on the counter and walked back to his office. Before sitting down at his desk, he glanced at his desk calendar and then walked directly over to Latonya’s office.

  “Got a minute?”

  “I guess so. What do you need Glen?”

  “I’ve got a slew of time coming. I’m taking two weeks starting today. Right now, in fact. Lou can cover for me and I’ll send some details to him by email for the stuff he’s not familiar with. Consider this my resignation. I’ll come back on Friday, the 19th and pick up my things and show Lou anything else he needs to know. That’ll be my last day.” He didn’t wait for a response. He just turned and left the office.

  Life went on at Grant Technologies. For the most part, the office did not skip a beat with Glen gone. Some of the reports Glen used to prepare for the Sales Department did not get done as usual but it was no great cr
isis. Jan made her usual number of sales and, on the surface, all was fine.

  But quietly, Jan was brooding. Grace could see it even if the others did not. They went to Schiraldi’s one night and got their usual table. Grace took a sip of her wine and looked at Jan. “OK, what’s up? You’re as down as I’ve ever seen you.”

  “I’m fine. Really. Just, I don’t know. Feeling a little guilty, I guess.”

  “Because of Glen? Because he made the smart move and quit? Girl, you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about.”

  Jan wiped her eyes. “You know, before I knew what you guys knew, I was drawn to him. But he was so quiet and so unassertive that I kinda kept looking in other directions. But, basically, when I’ve been with him just talking, he seems like a really nice person. The stuff everyone says he’s done just doesn’t really seem to fit. I guess I liked him and wished, you know, that the other thing wasn’t going on.”

  “Guys can be like that sometime.” Grace took another sip of Merlot. Jan fidgeted. Neither spoke for a few minutes. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It just was.

  “I have to tell you something I’ve never told anyone.” Jan looked over at her friend with a bit of trepidation.

  Grace gave her best comforting smile and her full attention, “Go ahead.

  Jan began slowly, “Well, you know I like my job. I love my job. And I want to keep doing it, but … but I feel like I am supposed to do something else. I feel like I should be a Mom. I mean, I’m not so nuts about it that I’d marry any guy just so I could have some babies.”

  Grace jumped in, “You don’t have to get married to do that, you know.”

  Now Jan smiled. “Yeah, I know. But what I mean is that I want to be happy with a guy and marry someone who would be a good Dad. Good grief, I know that sounds incredibly obvious but I don’t want kids without the right guy and although I could live single if I had to, I don’t know that I could live with myself if I didn’t have a child or two … or three. I just don’t feel complete. I feel like I am supposed to have kids and if I don’t I am, I don’t know, upsetting Mother Nature or something. God, Grace, I’m miserable.”

  Grace reached across the table and placed her hand on Jan’s. “It’s a sign of the times, girl. Most of us have that feeling but it doesn’t always work out. You really liked him, didn’t you?”

  “I can’t help but wonder what was in the note now.” Jan offered.

  “Honey, forget it. It’s over. You need to just move on.”

  “I know. But regret leaves a bad taste in your mouth. For once, I’d like to be a bit stronger. A little more assertive and just make things happen. But, somehow, when it comes to men, I just fold my cards and look for the nearest escape route. How crazy is that? The one thing I really want and I keep running away from it.”

  They sat in silence until their drinks were finished. There was nothing else to say.

  Thomas was yelling at Lou. Something was wrong. It had been eight business days since Glen left and payroll had been full of errors and commission reports were showing faulty data. Latonya had prepped the data correctly but Lou had sent it to the payroll service in the wrong format. The office watched as the play between Thomas and Lou became more intense. Finally, the boss came over to Jan’s desk and said, “Jan, I need you to send someone over to Glen’s apartment and get his copy of the payroll binder and protocol printout that he has there. Our copy is outdated and he can’t bring it in himself now. Here’s his address.” He didn’t wait for a confirmation, he simply turned and left.

  Jan turned to Leah. “Leah, could you do that please. I … uh … have to finish this report here.”

  Leah zipped on over and entered the building as someone else was leaving, slipping in the security door without buzzing. In the lobby, she passed a woman that looked like Vicky entering the Apartment Manager’s office. She went up to 505, Glen’s apartment, and knocked timidly.

  Glen came to the door. “Leah, hi. I was just printing out the protocol. The binder Thomas needs is here.” He pointed to a desk that had stacks of paper on it. His apartment was small, a one bedroom unit, but it had some charm and character to it. A big screen TV sat at one end of the living room along with a huge shelf of DVD’s.

  “You want a drink or anything? Coffee, water?”

  “No, I’m fine. Thanks.”

  The printer started whirring and spitting out the protocol report. As it did, a very shabby tabby came strolling into the room. It was looking old and was carrying a lot more weight than the typical cat. Leah squatted down and reached out to pet it. “Oh my, what a big boy you are. He’s very calm. And friendly.”

  “She.” Glen corrected.

  “Oh, what’s her name?”

  Glen looked at Leah for the longest time as if he were trying to decide whether to answer her or not. Finally, he spoke. “I named her Queen Victoria … in jest. She looked the opposite of regal when I found her in the alley five years ago, all beat up, scratched and bleeding.”

  Leah smiled and continued petting her. “Well, what a nice name for …” She paused in thought. Then, looking at Glen, she pushed the words out of her mouth as though she could not believe she was saying them. “Are you saying that this … this … is Vicky? We thought …”

  “I know. It was a stupid joke that took on a life of its own. This is Vicky. Always has been. Now, here is the report and the binder. Better get these back to Thomas before he throws a fit.” Glen walked over and opened the door for her. She left without another word, glancing behind her at the chubby feline as Glen closed the door.

  “You guys are NOT going to believe this!” Leah had everyone’s attention in the sales office. She demanded it. When she was sure that everyone was appropriately anxious, she continued. “I met Vicky.” Now she really had them.

  “And …” Amy egged her on.

  “And she is old and fat and hairy.” To that, everyone twisted their faces grotesquely and stared at Leah. “She also has four legs and a tail.” She delivered the line just as she had practiced it on the way back to the office. “Vicky is just a cat. He found her almost dead in the alley behind the building five years ago. He said something about it being a misunderstanding or a bad joke that went awry.”

  Jan left the room. The others looked at each other sheepishly. Finally, Latonya summed up what everybody was feeling, “Crap.”

  Jan entered the Accounting Office and went over to Lou’s desk, standing there quietly until he looked up. “You knew?”

  “Knew what?” Lou asked.

  “Knew that Vicky was just a cat.”

  Lou shook his head and sighed. “Bound to get out sooner or later. About four years ago, Personnel switched to an online system. Everyone had to fill out a new online app with their personal info on it. Glen filled his out but it wouldn’t let him leave the emergency contact field blank. He didn’t really have anybody to list so finally he filled in his cat’s name and then it insisted on a phone number. So he filled in his own. Somehow, someone saw that and spread the word that he was living with some girl named Vicky. We both thought it was funny so we went along with it and had some laughs. Then it got out of hand. He tried to tell you. He put a picture of Vicky and a personal note into an envelope along with a copy of the neighborhood rag that printed a story about how he rescued the dying cat. That was the one you threw away. He really likes you but he just couldn’t handle it anymore.”

  Jan pinched her eyes shut, turned and walked out of the office.

  Two days later, on Friday the 19th, Jan heard the rumor that Glen was coming in today to get his things and help Lou sort out a few of the problems. She watched but did not see him enter the office.

  Glen wanted this last day to be as little about him as possible. He came in at 7am with Lou and stayed in the office the whole day. He packed a lunch and focused on the day’s tasks.

  As it neared four o’clock, Jan couldn’t handle the suspense any longer. She visited Latonya’s office armed with an innocuous question and as
she turned to leave, as casually as possible, she mentioned, “I thought today was supposed to be Glen’s last day. I never saw him come in.”

  “Oh he came in real early with Lou. They’ve been working all day in his office.”

  Jan tightened up. “He’s here now?”

  “I assume so. I am done with his exit paperwork so he may have left. We said our goodbyes already.” Latonya watched Jan’s reaction and read it clearly for what it was. “You can probably still catch him if you, you know, wanted to say something.”

  Jan left and returned to her desk. Then, abruptly, she stood and walked to the Lady’s room. She entered a stall, sat down on the top of the lid and buried her face in her hands. Damn it! I have to do something. Anything. But I don’t know what. What will I say to him? I’ve got to collect myself. Stop it! No crying. Just get a hold of yourself, Jan.

  After a few minutes, she stood up, straightened her clothes and checked herself out in the mirror. Her eyes were a tinge red but otherwise she was OK. She walked back into the office and directly to the Accounting Department door. It was closed. She took a deep breath and opened it. There was Louis at his desk … and no one else in the room.

  “Uh, Hi, Louis. I thought … I thought I heard that Glen was here. I just wanted to stop by and … um … wish him luck or … something. Is he around?”

  Louis gazed at her and admired what he saw. He was beginning to get why Glen was so infatuated with her. “You just missed him. He finished showing me what I needed so I won’t screw up payroll again and some of the other stuff I had to know and left the office about ten minutes ago. Sorry.”

  A bit stunned, Jan muttered, “I was in the …” She stopped talking and turned to leave. Before she did, she put on a good front and smiled at Lou. “Thanks anyway.”

  “You could probably still catch him if, you know, you needed something. He had a Friday ritual. He’d buy a new book for the weekend and then start it off reading the first few chapters over a drink at O’Brien’s. Sometimes he’d have dinner there. If you hurry, you could probably find him there.”