Conflicted

by Missy Johnson

  “I guess it makes sense to stay here and get up early in the morning.”

  The thrill that races through me catches me off guard, and I don’t like it. You’re angry at him, remember? I scold myself.

  “The long way isn’t an option?” I ask, arching an eyebrow.

  “On the little amount of sleep we’ve both had, and in this weather?” He shakes his head. “Sorry to disappoint you, but you won’t be getting home tonight.”

  We drive past the vacancy sign and into the parking lot of the motel. The rain has slowed, but doesn’t look like stopping anytime soon. We get out of the car and run over to the reception. I shiver as I step into the warmth of the small office.

  “Awful night.” A lady in her fifties pops up from behind the counter, smiling kindly at us. “Another group that got caught by the accident?”

  “You must’ve had a busy night,” Aaron says, chuckling.

  “I don’t want to say I’m glad for the accident, but we’ve had more customers tonight than we have all month,” she laughs. “You’re very lucky, I have one room left.”

  “Only one?” Aaron asks, glancing at me.

  “It’s a twin, if that helps,” she adds, giving me an inquisitive look. “Are you father and daughter?”

  “No, work colleagues actually,” Aaron replies smoothly. I can’t help but blush as her eyebrows raise ever so slightly. “Thanks, we’ll take the room. Visa okay?” He hands her his credit card.

  I wander over to the front door while Aaron fills out the guest registration form. Pulling out my phone, I send Lucas a text.

  Me: Sorry, something came up. Raincheck?

  His reply is almost instant.

  Lucas: Okay. Sure. Are you alone?

  My stomach twists into knots as I text back yes. I don’t even know why I’m lying to him, but why would he even ask me that? It’s not my fault I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere with the man I promised Lucas I was finished with. Maybe it’s because you don’t trust yourself around Aaron. There’s more truth to that thought than I’m willing to admit. I switch off my phone, determined not to feel guilty about something I have no control over, and walk back over to Aaron.

  “Everything okay?” he asks, glancing at my phone. I nod. I can’t talk to him about Lucas. It feels too weird.

  We run through the rain to our room, which is conveniently right next to where we parked. The lady was right, it is a twin room, but the beds are so close together we might as well be sleeping on top of one another. My stomach flutters, and suddenly I feel sick.

  “If you want to take a shower I can go find us some food.” Aaron’s deep voice makes me jump. My stomach growls in response. I haven’t eaten properly in days, so the thought of something hot makes me smile.

  “That would be great, actually, but are you sure you’re up to it?” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth, but I can’t get the thought of him being sick out of my mind.

  “Lacey—”

  “I know,” I say, wincing. “I’m sorry. Go.”

  He nods and turns to leave, but hesitates before turning back to me.

  “If these sleeping arrangements make you uncomfortable, I can sleep in the car,” he offers. I laugh, and then realize he’s serious.

  “No, it’s fine,” I assure him.

  “Okay, but only if you’re sure. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Are you good with anything?”

  “Whatever is fine,” I assure him. I wait until he’s left the room before I strip out of my clothes. I don’t have anything to change into, but I find a robe in the wardrobe that will at least let me wash my underwear.

  I shower quickly, wanting to be done and dressed again before Aaron gets back. Staring at myself in the tiny bathroom mirror, I pile my hair up into a messy bun and wrap my hair tie around it. Slipping into the bathrobe, I hang my wet underwear over the heater and go back out to the room.

  My phone vibrates on the bedside table. I look up, confused. I thought I turned it off. Picking it up, I see a few messages from Lucas, and one from Ariel. I check Lucas’s messages.

  Lucas: I’m sorry Lace. I know it’s none of my business who you’re with, I’m just paranoid. Just call me when you get home, okay?

  Me: I will.

  After I’m dressed back in my clothes—minus my underwear—I find the remote for the small television in the top drawer of the dresser. It’s an old, square box-style one with a bad picture, but it’s better than nothing. I find an old rerun of Friends and leave it on for background noise, because the silence is driving me crazy. I think too much when it’s quiet.

  Ten minutes later, Aaron walks in carrying Chinese. He smiles apologetically and sits the food down on the small round table.

  “There wasn’t a whole lot of choice,” he explains.

  I stand up, straighten my shirt, and wander over to him, aware his eyes are looking me over. I shiver, his attention making my body react in ways I wish it wouldn’t.

  “Chinese is good,” I say, my lips tugging into a smile.

  I sit down, tucking my leg under me, and reach for a container. My mouth salivates as the smell of noodles drifts through the room. We both eat, neither of us speaking, the television providing the perfect distraction in the background.

  After dinner, Aaron clears our food and throws it in the trash. It’s still early, but my poor sleep the night before has caught up with me. All I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep, but I can’t—not with him here. Not the way he’s looking at me. He’d probably just sit there and watch me sleep. The thought makes my face heat.

  “If you’re tired, go to sleep. I can just read,” he says, as if reading my mind. “And we can probably move these beds a little bit further apart.”

  I look at the tiny space on either side of the undersized beds and laugh. Only if you move one outside.

  “It’s fine,” I assure him.

  I walk over to the bed on the left and pull back the blankets. I climb in, remove my jeans, and place them on the floor next to me. I shuffle around, trying to get myself comfortable. The broken springs from within the mattress dig into my back, making me ache, but it’s better than sleeping in the car.

  I toss and turn for what feels like hours, but a glance at my phone tells me it’s barely been one. Sighing, I roll back onto my back. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Aaron sprawled out on his bed, reading. He looks over at me, a smirk on his lips.

  “Not sure how I’m going to sleep with you snoring,” he says.

  “I do not snore,” I mumble, my cheeks heating. I slide my bum up so I’m sitting cross-legged at the head of the bed. Reaching up, I tuck my hair behind my ears and strain to see what he’s reading. He holds the book up for me.

  “I wouldn’t have picked you for a James Patterson fan,” I say, raising an eyebrow. “I’m sure you’d know by page four who did what.”

  He laughs and sets the book down, turning to face me. He sits on the edge of his bed and rests his arms on his legs. He’s so close I can almost feel the warmth radiating off his body. I shiver.

  “There’s plenty you don’t know about me,” he says.

  “Is that because you ‘withhold the truth’ so much?” I taunt, using his own words against him.

  He grimaces, reaching up to rub his jawline.

  “Sorry, that was harsh.”

  “Maybe, but I deserve it.” He sighs, his eyes searching mine. “I didn’t tell you the truth so you would pity me, Lacey.”

  “I know, but…” I sigh and shake my head. How can I not feel sorry for him?

  “Lacey,” he whispers. He takes my hand, entwining his fingers in mine. “Please don’t pity me. I don’t want your sorrow—what I want is you.”

  He stands up, pulling me to my feet. My heart races as he caresses my neck, lifting my lips to his. My whole body shivers as his mouth encases mine. His touch is soft and tender, yet at the same time urgent and rough.

  He moves back onto his bed, taking me with him. He lies down on t
he mattress as I straddle him. I gasp as he runs his strong hands up over my bare thighs, resting them on my hips. His fingers brush past my bare entrance and I gasp.

  “God,” I whimper as his thumb enters me. My nails dig into his shoulders as I ride him, as his kisses pepper my neck. I swallow hard and squeeze my eyes closed. I want him so bad I ache, but I can’t do it. Because he isn’t Lucas. Angry, I try to brush thoughts of him aside, but it’s no use.

  “Aaron, stop.” I cradle his face in my hands.

  His eyes meet mine and he sighs.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I can’t.”

  “It’s okay. I understand,” he says. “It’s Lucas, right?”

  “It’s everything,” I whisper, my heart snapping in two.

  He lifts me off him and stands up, grabbing the spare blanket from the end of the bed. “I think maybe it’s best if I sleep in the car.”

  “Don’t be silly,” I argue, climbing back under my own covers. “I just—”

  “Easier for me, I meant,” he cuts in. “I can’t be around you and not act on it, Lacey. It’s not fair on either of us, being forced to sleep in the same room.”

  I watch, open-mouthed, as he walks out, closing the door quietly behind him. Am I selfish because I’ve never even thought about his feelings or am I a saint because I’m at least considering them now? I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling.

  Rolling over onto my side, I pull the blankets up to my neck and close my eyes. I should never have let it get that far just as much as he should never have put me in that position. I lie there, trying to dissect what I’m feeling. Why am I so drawn to Aaron? Lucas is the only man I’ve ever felt any sort of connection with. Is what I feel for Aaron because they’re blood? They’re so alike that I’m stupid for not seeing the connection earlier. Aaron is Lucas in twenty years. They share so many similarities, from the psychical things like their crooked smiles and piercing, dark eyes to how passionate they are about the things they love. What does Aaron offer me that Lucas can’t? Then it hits me.

  Maybe I’m attracted to Aaron because it’s a place I can’t get to with Lucas. In a strange, fucked-up way, I feel closer to Lucas through Aaron. I laugh and shake my head. In a way that makes no sense at all, it makes perfect sense.

  What the hell am I doing?

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Lacey

  We get up early and leave, and arrive back in Sydney just after eight. Traffic is bad, and it’s another hour before he pulls up outside my house. I sit there, staring at the glove compartment, with no idea what to say. I spent the whole drive working out what to say and when the moment comes, I go blank.

  “Lacey, listen,” he begins. I nearly sigh with relief that he’s the one addressing this.

  I force myself to look at him. His dark eyes lock on mine, full of concern and confusion. He’s trying to work us out too. That makes me feel the tiniest bit better.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. He lets out a laugh. “That’s all I ever seem to say to you. Last night, I don’t know how I let that happen. I shouldn’t have put you in that position with Lucas. It’s not fair, which is why I think I should stay away from you for a while.”

  I’m not sure I want that. Honestly, I’m not sure what I want.

  “Do I get a say in this?” I ask. He looks surprised, but I force myself to continue before I lose the courage. “I like you, Aaron. Probably more than I should. I’m confused about everything, but I don’t think staying away from you solves anything.”

  “Are you going to tell Lucas that I’m sick?” he asks quietly.

  “I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to lie to him either.” I get out of the car and close the door. Hesitating, I turn back and lean over through the open window. “Go and talk to him,” I urge him. “Whatever happened between the two of you, figure it out. You’re his father. Go and be one before it’s too late.”

  **

  When I get back home, I fall into bed and don’t leave it for the rest of the day. I can’t sleep. Instead I just lie there, my mind ticking over as I try and figure things out. I don’t know what to do.

  Lucas and Aaron. How did I get myself into this mess? Lucas is all I’ve ever wanted, but how can I be sure I won’t end up hurt? Because Aaron’s not going to end up hurting me? He’s dying. That is never going to end well.

  At just after six, Ariel knocks on my door, walking in before I can tell her to go away. She throws herself down on my bed and wraps her arms around me. Right away, I feel better having her there for me.

  “What are you doing, Lace? You can’t hide in here all day. Talk to me about whatever it is. It might help.”

  “It won’t,” I mumble, burying my head under the pillow. It’s just easier if I ignore it and pretend it’s not happening. Maybe I’m just meant to be alone. Surely it wouldn’t be this hard if I were meant to be with one of them?

  “Did something happen with Aaron?” she asks, her voice full of concern. “Did he try something?”

  I roll over and face her. “We kissed.” Her eyes widen. “Among other things. We didn’t sleep together, but I still feel guilty as hell. After the argument I had with Lucas, I’m just so confused. I have no idea what the right thing is to do.”

  “What other things?” she asks suspiciously.

  I laugh. “Does it really make a difference?”

  “No, but I’m nosy,” she sniffs. “Well, what does your heart tell you?” she asks.

  “Seven years ago, this decision would’ve been easy,” I mumble, resting my head on her shoulder. She strokes my hair as I close my eyes and sigh.

  “Yes, because seven years ago you were fifteen and Aaron was thirty-two,” retorts Ariel. She bursts out laughing as I cringe. It sounds so much worse when put like that.

  “Not what I meant,” I grumble. “I was in love with Lucas for years. Seeing him with other girls nearly broke me, but I got through it. You have no idea how hard it was for me to move on from him.”

  “What are you afraid of? Getting hurt?” Ariel leans forward and takes my hand. “Lace, that’s what life is all about. Taking chances and getting hurt, and then doing it all again. Every love story ends. Whether it’s because they break up, or die, nobody is happy in love forever.”

  “You’re really selling this,” I tease, biting my lip to hide my sad smile. “Aaron is dying.”

  Her eyes widen as she slaps her hand over her mouth. “What? You’re kidding me.”

  “I wish I was. It’s a slow-growing cancer, so he might still have a few years.” I let out a laugh through my tears. “That would be worse, I think, than knowing how long you have.”

  “Lace, you could be killed by a bus tomorrow,” Ariel declares.

  “Gee, thanks. Remind me to call you next time I need cheering up. You’re great at this.”

  She rolls her eyes and swats my arm. “I’m just trying to make you see that it is worth it. It has to be, or what’s the point? Choose Lucas, or Aaron, it doesn’t matter. The point is choose one of them and enjoy whatever time you have.”

  “If I choose Aaron, then I lose Lucas,” I say quietly.

  “Lucas wouldn’t desert you. You know that.”

  “Maybe not, but things wouldn’t be the same. I’m not sure I’m ready to lose my best friend.” Lucas has been such a big part of my life for so long.

  “You think things aren’t going to be different now anyway?” She lets out a laugh. “Lace, you almost slept with his father. Of course things have changed.”

  I glare at her. The last thing I need is a reminder.

  She sighs and squeezes my hand. “Being with Aaron has you terrified of losing Lucas. Think about what that’s saying.” She stands up, pulling me to my feet.

  “What are you doing?” I laugh, just looking at her.

  “We’re going out,” she declares.

  I stir my mineral water with my straw and laugh as I glance up and watch Ariel slow grind on the dance floor with some
redheaded guy. Coming out with Ariel was the worst idea in the world. It hasn’t taken my mind off things. If anything, I’m thinking about it even more.

  I’m terrified of telling Lucas how I feel, because I’m still scarred by what happened all those years ago. How can I put myself out there for him again? What if we end up sacrificing our friendship for something that isn’t going to last? And Aaron. How can I put my faith in that relationship, considering it was built on a lie?

  I have to get out of here.

  I send Ariel a text, and then I grab my jacket and walk outside. It’s cold, and the wet ground tells me it’s been raining. I glance up at the sky, contemplating whether I should walk home. It’s still early, and it would be less than a ten-minute walk. Do I risk it?

  I laugh and cover my face. If I have trouble taking the risk of getting wet, how am I going to ever risk having my heart broken?

  I make it home dry, but still no closer to figuring things out. As I walk up the driveway, Lucas comes into view. He sits on the top step, his arms resting on his thighs. Lifting his head, he spots me and stands up.

  “Hey,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets. He smiles awkwardly. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  “How long have you been here?” I ask.

  He falls into step beside me and follows me to the door. I put the key in and open it, inviting him inside. My stomach flutters as he grins sheepishly.

  “About an hour?” he admits.

  He smiles again, which melts my heart. I wet my lips, my mouth suddenly dry. Walking over to the fridge, I grab two cans of soda and toss one to him. He catches it and sits down, moving it from hand to hand.

  “I’m sorry if I’ve made your life difficult,” he finally says. He looks up, his eyes following me as I move across the room towards him.

  I sit down next to him. “It’s not all your fault. I’ve done a pretty good job myself,” I joke.

  He shrugs, still playing with the can in his hands. “I feel like I owe you an explanation.”