Conflicted

by Missy Johnson

I tilt my head and look at him, curious about what he has to say. Did Aaron speak to him? I’m dying to know everything, but at the same time I’m still angry that he lied to me—even if he was doing it for me.

  “I should’ve told you sooner that Aaron is my father.”

  “You should have. But I know you were doing what you thought was best for me.”

  “Let me finish,” he pleads. “If I don’t say this now, I might never say it. I didn’t do it for you.” He winces. “This is all coming out wrong,” he mutters. He rubs his forehead and runs his fingers through his hair. He sighs, before trying again. “I convinced myself that I was keeping it quiet for you. I knew what he could do for your career, and I didn’t want to ruin that.”

  “But that wasn’t the reason?” I ask, confused.

  “Not completely.” He leans back on the seat. Avoiding my eyes, he studies the can intently. “I’ve never told you much about my childhood.”

  I stiffen. In the years I’ve known him, what happened to him before we met is something he’s kept very close to his heart. I didn’t know much, but I knew it had to be pretty serious.

  “I had a sister. She was fifteen months younger than me.”

  Had. Had means no longer. I wait nervously for him to continue. My heart aches for him. That’s tough for any kid. And to have a father who was not around… I swallow, my throat like sandpaper. I can’t imagine the Aaron I know being like that.

  “My mum was pretty sick,” he continues. “She had some serious mental health issues, and she was heroin dependent. She used to physically and emotionally abuse us. I’d do my best to take her attention off Laurie, so I wore most of it. But she still copped more than she should have.”

  “Oh Lucas,” I whisper. Laurie. Oh God, no. His connection to Aaron’s wife and daughter hadn’t even occurred to me. How could that slip my mind? Tears sting my eyes as I climb into his arms. He hugs me close.

  “Mum hooked up with this guy who made her look like mother of the year. I thought life was bad before him, but I had no idea.” He laughs, but there’s no humour in his voice. “I’d get Laurie out of there as much as I could. I was determined to run away with her. I even got a part-time job delivering newspapers so I could save up enough to support us both for a while.” He stops and kisses the top of my head, his arms tightly curled around me. “One day, I was late home to look after Laurie. She told Mum’s boyfriend, who decided I needed to be taught a lesson. So he punched the shit out of me. He broke three of my ribs, and if that wasn’t enough, stole my savings to use on drugs.”

  “I can’t even imagine...” My voice trails off as my heart breaks for him.

  “I was in hospital for a week. I overheard a nurse say child services were going to ‘look into it’, but Mum was an awesome liar when she needed to be.” He shrugs, a faraway look in his eyes as he continues. “The next day, Laurie came into my room, begging me to take her away. I was still pissed that she ratted me out, so I told her to leave me alone.”

  My heart begins to race, because I know how the story is going to end. I close my eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks as I imagine I’m back at the lookout with Aaron. How did I not see the connection between them earlier? How could I have not picked up on the two of them being related?

  “She drove off the face of a cliff, after loading Laurie with drugs. I suppose the positive is that Laurie wouldn’t have felt anything. She’d have been unconscious before the car hit the air. The police told me that I was supposed to be in the car too. They found some notes scrawled in her drawer, outlining her plans, or something.”

  Oh God, no. What kind of a mother would do that?

  I straighten up and lean his head against my chest, kissing his forehead over and over. I wish I could take away all his pain, but I can’t. I wish he could’ve told me earlier. I’m confused as to why he didn’t. What good was it doing keeping all those emotions locked up?

  “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” I mumble.

  “Because I blamed myself,” he says, shrugging. “I still do. And I was sure anyone who knew would blame me too.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I say. “You were a kid who did everything he could for his sister. What your mum did was horrible and unthinkable, but you weren’t responsible for her actions.”

  He doesn’t reply, but I can tell I haven’t convinced him.

  I hesitate, so many questions whirling around my head. “I still struggle to believe Aaron is your dad,” I mumble, shaking my head.

  “He was never there for us. I know part of that was my mother’s fault. She did everything she could to keep him away from us. But he has to be responsible for his part in it. He should have tried harder. Instead he gave up on us.”

  His voice is raw and full of emotion. Talking about this is tearing him apart, and all I can do is sit here and watch.

  “After Laurie and Mum died, I was sure he was going to come back for me.” He takes a moment before he continues. “For weeks I expected him to walk through the door. I’d have forgiven him for everything in a second if he did, because all I needed was someone on my side. I never felt more alone than I did in those first few weeks.”

  “So what happened? You went to live with your grandmother?” This all happened a year before I met him. I can’t fathom how hard it must have been for him. As if he hadn’t been through enough.

  He nods. “My father’s mother. She and Aaron never got along. She said they clashed because they were both too headstrong.” He laughs harshly. “I wouldn’t know. I never knew him well enough to know anything about him. He made sure of that.”

  “He never tried to contact you?” I ask.

  “Once. At Gran’s funeral.”

  My eyes widen. “He was there?” I think back to that day. How could I not have seen him? Guilt washes through me. Lucas had been going through all of this alone. Where the hell was I? I’m supposed to be his friend.

  “Outside. I made sure you didn’t see him. I didn’t want to have to explain everything to you.” He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck, clearly exhausted. I don’t blame him. It’s been a huge day. “It’s getting late,” he says.

  He gets to his feet, pulling me up with him.

  “I’m really sorry for everything, Lace. I hope we can get through this and still be friends. I can’t even think about you not being in my life.” He wraps his arms around me. “You’re the only reason I got through the last fifteen years.”

  “I’ll always be your friend,” I promise him. My heart aches. Because I want more. I wrap my arms around him, my face buried in his neck, not wanting to let him go. If there was ever any doubt of how I felt about him, this second removed it all. I don’t want to just be friends. I want everything.

  “Lucas…” I whisper. The words catch in my throat.

  He pulls away and kisses me, the softness of his lips against mine tender and sweet. Swallowing, I try again, but he cuts me off.

  “Please, Lace, I can’t handle hearing you speak if it’s something I’m not ready to hear. Not today, so please, don’t say anything.”

  He kisses me again, this time his mouth pressing against mine with urgency. He pulls away. I lift my hand up and touch my tingling lips, and watch as he walks over to the door. I want to tell him to stop, but I don’t. I can’t, and I’m not sure why. He closes the door quietly behind him, leaving me standing there alone in my living room. Why couldn’t I stop him? All I had to do was tell him I’m in love with him, and I couldn’t do it.

  I can’t tell him how I feel until he knows the truth about Aaron, and it’s not my place to tell him.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Lucas

  “Lucas?”

  “Hey Dad,” I say. My calm voice is in complete contrast to the mixture of emotions pouring through me. As I stand at his front door, I look him in the eye, determined to make him see firsthand what he’s done to me. I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life.

  He hasn’t changed much at al
l in the last three years. A few more lines around the eyes, and his hair is a little thinner, but that’s it. I look a lot like him—so much so that I’m kind of surprised Lace didn’t pick up on the resemblance. Not that she’d have any reason to, but we have so many similarities it’s not hard to see where I get my features from. Anger surges through me at the thought of her with him.

  How could he take advantage of her like that?

  “Will you come in?” he asks. He steps back and I move past him.

  I look around. The walls are bare and they lack personality. It’s like he just moved in here and hasn’t had a chance to unpack properly. What would I know? Maybe he has.

  “It’s good to see you,” he finally says, breaking through the silence.

  I suppress a laugh, finding it hard to believe that he actually means that. “You knew exactly where I was for years, Dad. You could’ve come and seen me anytime.”

  He winces at my scathing tone, but doesn’t try to argue. Because he knows I’m right.

  “Drink?” he asks. He walks over to a small bar set up in the far corner of the room.

  I shake my head. I don’t trust myself sober, so I’m sure as hell not going to push my luck and drink.

  “Suit yourself,” he mutters. He pours himself a glass of scotch and walks back over to me. “I owe you an explanation.”

  I snort. “You think an explanation makes up for years of abandonment?” I shake my head. “You know, it isn’t even that, it’s the fact that you could’ve stopped it from happening. All you had to do was something—anything—and she’d still be here.”

  His face softens, pain shining though his eyes. “Lucas, you think I don’t blame myself every day for what you and Laurie went through?”

  “Then why didn’t you stop it?” I growl. I’m shaking with anger as I glare at him. “I don’t even care about the shit I had to go through to try and protect her. None of that matters. All I fucking care about is why you couldn’t get off your sorry arse and help us. You didn’t want us? Fine, put us in care, whatever, but just get us out of that environment. You knew what she was like and you knew he was worse.”

  “And so did you,” Aaron says softly. “You knew what your mum was like. Believe it or not, I tried to get you out of there, but she had things on me, and she could make anyone believe she was a wonderful mother.”

  “And what about after?” I ask, my voice colder than ice.

  “After?” he repeats, the colour draining from his face.

  “After she died. After she killed Laurie. Remember? I had nobody apart from a grandmother I barely knew. Your mother. What’s your excuse for then?”

  “I don’t have one,” he admits. He sighs, falling against the seat behind him. “I couldn’t cope with the guilt. I wasn’t in any condition to care for you. You were better off with your grandmother. She was able to give you everything you needed—”

  “What I needed was my father,” I cut in harshly. “A word you don’t understand the meaning of.” I’ve heard enough. Any chance of him having even close to a valid reason for deserting us has long gone. “What do you want from me? Surely you hiring Lacey wasn’t a coincidence?”

  He hesitates before admitting, “No.”

  I nod, a wave of validation rushing through me. At least I wasn’t paranoid, but I still have no idea why he’s here.

  “So, what’s your endgame? Is this just another way for you to mess with me?” I sneer. “You haven’t fucked my life up enough, so you thought you’d take the only person left who matters to me?”

  “I assume you mean Lacey.”

  “Of course I mean her,” I growl, narrowing my eyes.

  “You’ve got this all wrong, Lucas. All I wanted to try and do was find a way to reconnect with you. I thought if I could get Lacey on my side to see that I’m not a bad guy then you might listen to her.”

  “Why go to all the hassle?” I ask. “Why not just pick up the phone and call?”

  “Because you’d have just hung up on me,” he replies.

  He’s right. I probably would have.

  “I never meant to make things worse, and I never intended to develop feelings for Lacey.”

  I look at him sharply, my stomach twisting into knots. “You don’t even deserve to speak her name,” I say, gritting my teeth. “Don’t talk to me about Lacey. You took advantage of her. You lied to her and me. Why should I trust anything you have to say? You should’ve told her who you were, or better yet, you should have just stayed the fuck away.”

  “Told her?” he laughs. “Is that really what you would’ve wanted? Because I get the feeling she doesn’t know about your sister, or how you blame yourself for her death.”

  “I blame you,” I growl.

  “But you blame yourself just as much,” he says, his dark eyes piercing mine. “What if you’d just done what she wanted and let her hang with you that day? Maybe she’d still be alive. That’s what you tell yourself, right?”

  “Shut your fucking mouth,” I hiss, moving so close to him I can feel his breath on my cheek. I glare at him, forcing myself to look him in the eye as I release all the anger I’ve cooped up inside me for the last ten years.

  “You blame me because it eases the guilt you feel yourself,” he says. “You want to hate me, because hating me gives you purpose. Tell me I’m wrong,” he urges me.

  My fingers curl into fists beside me. I can’t tell him he’s wrong, because he’s not, and that fucking kills me.

  “Just stay away from her,” I say, defeated. “You’ve messed her up enough, okay? For her sake, leave her the hell alone.”

  “You really like her, don’t you?” he asks, his eyes burning through me.

  My heart pounds. He’s the last person I want to admit my feelings to.

  “If you like her as much as I think you do, then you need to do something about it before you lose her. She’s too good a person to wait around for you, Lucas.” He pauses long enough to look me in the eye. “You tell me I’ve messed with her enough, but I can say the same about you.”

  “Except you’re the one taking advantage of someone half your age, who is not only your intern, but also your son’s best friend,” I hiss. Doesn’t he see how much worse he is than me? “Was fucking her part of the plan, or was that just a bonus?”

  “She told you about what happened Friday,” Aaron says, his face going white. “Is that all she told you?”

  “What are you talking about?” I mutter, confused. “I’m talking about you seducing her to get to me by hiring her. What do you mean, Friday…?” I stop talking as it finally hits me. We had plans that she couldn’t make, Friday night. She cancelled them for him? I hunch over, my hands resting on my knees. I feel sick, like I’m going to vomit, but that’s nothing compared to the rage that’s rising inside me. I can’t believe she would do this to me.

  I straighten up and pull back my arm, my fingers clenched into a tight ball. Using every bit of my force, I swing, my fist hitting him square in the nose. I stagger back, out of breath and oblivious to the pain radiating through my wrist as his hands fly to his face. Blood pours from under his hands as he glares at me, a look of disbelief on his face. With adrenaline pulsating through me, I take a step back and flex my aching fingers. With one hit, I feel better than I have in weeks.

  “I should’ve done that a long time ago,” I mutter, spitting the words out.

  I stare at him for a moment before turning around and storming out.

  I’m at my car before the full ramifications of what just happened hit me. Although taking him out felt good, it doesn’t make us even. As far as I’m concerned, our relationship became unrepairable ten years ago. What I’m struggling to understand is Lacey.

  She was with him, even after she knew who he was.

  How could she do that to me? It cuts deep, deeper than I’ve ever felt before, and I don’t like it. I’m angry at her for siding with him, but I’m angrier at myself for pushing her into his arms. I told her to finish her fu
cking internship. She wanted to walk away, but I made her promise to go back. Not only that, I made it pretty clear that she and I weren’t going to happen.

  What the fuck did I expect? I’ve been pushing her away for years. Only this time it’s too late, because I’ve pushed her right into the arms of the person I hate most in the world.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Lacey

  I pace the living room, checking my phone constantly as I wait to hear from either of them. This is a mess. Just when I think things can’t get any worse, this happens. I feel sorry for Lucas, and I feel sorry for Aaron, because he lost someone too that day.

  My phone pings, making me jump. I look at the screen and see a text from Aaron. Four little words make my heart plummet.

  Aaron: I need to see you

  Grabbing my purse and my keys, I race out to my car. Nobody should be going through what he is alone. I don’t care what you’ve done wrong, nobody deserves that. It’s just like Aaron said: there are always exceptional circumstances to every situation. I chuckle through my tears as I drive down Main Street towards his apartment. Even when he’s not trying to, he’s still teaching me.

  As upset as I am for Aaron, nothing compares to the sorrow I feel for Lucas. I don’t know what to do to help him, other than to be there for him. I can’t imagine my life without him. In the back of my mind a little voice keeps asking the same question, over and over.

  What if we never get through this?

  I can’t think about that now, because if I do, I’ll fall apart.

  The door swings open and a smirking Aaron stands before me, his nose bruised and bloody. Gasping, I step forward, my fingers reaching up to touch the bridge of his nose. He winces, then catches my hand, holding it against his cheek. His warmth sends a shiver through my body as his gaze commands my attention.

  “It’s nothing. I deserved it. If I were in his position, I probably would’ve killed me,” he murmurs. He walks me inside and closes the door. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I couldn’t not come,” I whisper, dropping my eyes. But it’s not why he thinks, and I don’t know how to tell him that.