Conflicted

by Missy Johnson

  His body tenses and he lets go of my hands. “I don’t need your pity, Lacey. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

  “I…” I shake my head. “I’m here because I want to be your friend, but I can’t be anything more.”

  “Because of Lucas?” he guesses.

  I nod and he sighs.

  Tilting his head towards the ceiling, he draws in a sharp breath. “I owe him the truth, I know that. But I couldn’t do it. I don’t want his forgiveness because he feels sorry for me. You should’ve seen the hate in his eyes, Lacey.” He lets out a low laugh, his eyes glazed with pain.

  “You don’t have a choice,” I say, my voice soft. “And honestly? You should take his forgiveness anyway you can get it.”

  It breaks my heart to see him like this, but he can’t not tell Lucas something this important. It’s not fair. I sigh and try a different approach.

  “He needs to know. You know that he deserves to know. Let him make the decision of whether he forgives you or not. You were prepared to lie to reconnect with him. How is this so much worse?” I ask. “This isn’t going to go away because you don’t want to address it.”

  “You’re too wise for your own good,” Aaron chuckles. His dark eyes sparkle in the light.

  I stare into them and I see Lucas. He is Lucas in seventeen years. It’s like having a glimpse into the future. I shiver, knowing how true that statement might be.

  He shares so many similarities with his father.

  “I know I need to tell him, and I will.” He paces the room, angry and frustrated.

  “You’re trying to do the right thing, and yes, it’s late, but at least you’re doing something.”

  “But why should he forgive me? I abandoned my own son after he lost his mother and sister.” He speaks harshly, and I know nothing I say is going to change the way he feels.

  “You were dealing with a lot. You’d just found out your daughter and wife had died,” I say weakly.

  He laughs bitterly. “He was alone. Nothing compares to that. I was a coward when I should’ve been a parent. God knows he needed one,” he growls.

  I reach for his hand and clasp it in mine. I’m torn. I want to help him, but not at the expense of Lucas. I wish there was a way I could fix everything for both of them, but I know that’s not going to happen. As much as I hate it, I have to choose a side.

  “This isn’t helping, Aaron. All this anger isn’t going to fix anything. If you want things to change, then it’s up to you to try.” I blink back tears. “You’re not such a bad guy. Lucas will see that eventually.”

  “Lacey.” He hesitates before continuing, his hand tightening around my own. “Work has been my life since I found out about this. I pushed myself so I would forget, because what’s the point in thinking about the future when you know what it holds isn’t good?”

  He pauses, pressing his lips together as he thinks about what he has to say. My heart races, because I know where this is headed.

  “You changed that. Meeting you has made me want a future, and to be honest that scares the hell out of me, because I don’t know if I can fight this.”

  I close my eyes, because I can’t look at him knowing how I feel. I’ve been so confused these last few weeks with my feelings for both of them, but things couldn’t be clearer now.

  “I really hope this isn’t the end for us, Lace,” he whispers. “And the fact that I can even think that…” He shakes his head, as if it’s just another example of his poor parenting. “I’m sorry about everything.”

  He doesn’t pressure me, because deep down I think he knows that there is no hope for us. I place my arms around his neck and pull him against me. He breathes out sharply, his hands resting on the curve of my back.

  “This is it, isn’t it?” he asks. His eyes cloud over as he stares down at me, his expression troubled.

  “Until you and Lucas sort things out, yes. I think it’s best I stay away from you,” I admit.

  “If Lucas and I can fix things,” he mutters.

  “You will,” I say. I reach up and kiss him on the cheek. “Bye, Aaron.”

  I can’t explain what I’m feeling as I walk out of his apartment. Sadness, pain, sorrow…it’s all there. But stronger than any of those is the anticipation and fear I feel about what I’m about to do now.

  I have no idea what Lucas will say to me, but I have to try. I’m terrified of losing him, but it’s going to happen eventually, one way or another. I’d rather live a short time with him than forever without. The reality is that no love story is forever. And what’s the point in everything if you’re not going to risk getting hurt? I laugh. I’m finally ready. Nearly eight years in the making, and I’m ready to fight for him. I’m ready to not take no for an answer.

  Because there’s someone who means more to me than anything, and I’m determined to make him mine.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Lucas

  Lacey: I need to speak to you tonight.

  I stare at the message on my phone, just like I’ve been doing since it pinged through fifteen minutes ago. I hear her car pull up outside, and I can’t deny that I’m shitting myself. I have so much I need to say to her that I don’t know where to begin.

  Walking over to the door, I crack it open and lean against the doorframe, watching her walk up the path. Her eyes meet mine and she smiles. For half a second, I think everything might be okay. Then I remember.

  “Hey,” she says, stepping onto the porch. She stands in front of me, her expression unsure. I reach for her hand, determined to make her see that we’re okay.

  “Hey back at you,” I say, my voice husky. “Coming inside? It’s kinda cold out here.”

  She nods and follows me inside.

  I close the door and lead her through to the kitchen. “Drink?”

  “No, I’m fine,” she says, leaning over the counter. She takes a deep breath and laughs. “Wow, this is harder than I thought, but I need to get this out. You asked me when I texted you on Friday night if I was alone? I wasn’t. I was with Aaron.”

  “I know,” I say simply.

  She straightens up and faces me, a surprised expression on her face.

  “He told me.” I wrap my arms around her and pull her against me. “Lace, I don’t care. I’ve spent my whole life pushing you away, and I’m done. I want you. I want you more than anything. I love you more than life itself.”

  She stares at me, eyes wide. “You do?”

  “I always have, Lace. I told you that. It was my own stupidity that kept me from admitting that to you. I wish I could go back and fix my fuckups, but I can’t.” I stroke her neck, lifting her face up to mine. “All I can do is try and make you happy. If you’ll let me.”

  “Of course I will,” she whispers, her blue eyes glistening in the light. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.”

  Lifting her onto the counter, I nudge her legs apart, my mouth finding her neck as she giggles. Her fingers dig through my shirt and into my back as my hands explore her body.

  “This time I’m gonna hold on tight and never let you go,” I whisper. With both hands, I cradle her face, pressing my mouth against hers. She kisses me back, her fingers raking through my hair. She’s fucking amazing. I want to pinch myself in case I’m dreaming, but if I am, then I don’t want to wake up.

  Out of a bad situation has come this: Lace and me, finally together where we belong. Maybe I should be thanking my father for putting a boot in my arse and making me realize what I was missing out on. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive him. It won’t be anytime soon, but who knows what the future holds.

  For now, I’m happy just living in this moment.

  Chapter Thirty

  Lacey

  Two months later

  We make decisions every day, and only time will tell if they are the right ones.

  For the first time in my life, I’m happy. It’s early in our relationship, but being with Lucas is better than I could have ever imagined
. I’m done with my course, and I have a fantastic job lined up to start in March, thanks to Aaron’s friend Lucy. Even my parents are coming around to the idea of me not following their dreams. But just because I’m happy doesn’t mean I don’t live with regrets.

  Right or wrong, I’ve never told Lucas what I know about his father. As far as I know, Aaron hasn’t told him either. If he had, Lucas would’ve told me, because you don’t hide that kind of thing from your partner...

  I haven’t seen Aaron since our last trip to the Francis Centre, our only contact being the glowing recommendation he emailed me last month. I think about him often, and wonder how he’s going. I’ve thought about calling him, but aside from promising Lucas I wouldn’t, I know if I open that door again I’m not sure I’ll be able to close it.

  It’s the what ifs that haunt me, though. I’m terrified that Lucas will find out I knew all along, and hate me for it. Or that he will wake up in ten years and want a relationship with his father. Every now and then I even find myself wondering if I made the right decision by choosing Lucas. I’m happy, and I love him, but what if…

  Hindsight is a wonderful thing. The problem is, you never know the consequences of your actions until it’s too late…

  THE END

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