Shattered by You

by Nashoda Rose

  Oh, God.

  I scrambled from the bed, staggering a couple steps before gaining my balance and escaping to the washroom. “I don’t want to drive today.”

  I closed the door and leaned against it. God, what was that? Dangerous was what it was. What we had was perfect, and feeling anything more would ruin that. He was helping me get to normal and that was all I wanted. Sex wasn’t part of that. Even casual sex because I was sure from his reputation that was what it would be.

  After I showered and dressed, and disposed of the simmering heat inside me, I walked down the hall, smelling the sweet aroma of coffee as I entered the kitchen. Kat was sitting on the counter, Ream standing between her legs, his hands on her hips. She glanced up and smiled. “Morning. How are you feeling?”

  My brother obviously played it up that I wasn’t feeling well last night. “Fine.” I liked Kat; she was good for my brother, and from what I’d seen, held her own against his overbearing nature. I reached for a cup and poured myself some coffee.

  “What’s the story with Deck and Georgie?” Kite asked as he strolled into the kitchen wearing ripped jeans and a white dress shirt, looking business chic. He was such a contradiction even in his clothing choice. “Suddenly, it’s brunch at his penthouse and she’s moving in.”

  “She is?” Kat blurted.

  Kite leaned back against the counter and sipped his coffee. “That’s what Logan said last night.”

  Crisis walked by me, his hand lightly brushing across the small of my back. I watched as he stretched and pulled down a mug from the second shelf then poured himself a coffee. Every movement was casual and with easy confidence.

  “About time he tasted some of that,” Crisis said. “Do you think she dyes her pussy like her hair? Fuck, Deck, going down on pink streaked pussy.” He laughed.

  Kat snorted. “Figures you’d think of that.”

  “Hey, I just say aloud what every other guy is thinking.” He leaned against the counter—beside me. Right beside me so our arms touched whenever he lifted his coffee.

  “I wasn’t thinking that,” Kite said.

  Crisis chuckled. “No, man, you were thinking about tying her down then whipping her ass until it was pink streaked.”

  My eyes darted to Kite. The quiet, mysterious drummer with piercings and tats. It made sense, the control, the patience and calm he exuded. I bet when Kite took a girl, he took every piece of her and made her his. Jealousy wouldn’t even play into him because there’d be no question she’d be his and she’d never walk away unless he told her to.

  Crisis nudged me and whispered, “Stop looking at him like you want to fuck him.”

  “God, I wasn’t,” I whispered back. I had no interest in Kite. His mystery made me uneasy and I had enough pain in my life to never want to have it in the bedroom.

  Ream lifted Kat off the counter, kissed her on the lips. “Let’s shower, babe. We have to go soon.” His gaze slipped over me to Crisis. “You need to go house hunting. Get on it.”

  “What about Kite? Shit, man, I’m your brother.”

  “Doesn’t mean I want to live with you. Did it for months, now I want time alone with my girl.” I tensed as I realized that maybe he wouldn’t say it, but wanted me gone, too. “Not you, sis. Just the guys.” Ream kissed me on the cheek then headed for the stairs, his hand in Kat’s. “And until you find a place . . . no bringing chicks back here—period. Don’t need any more psycho chicks causing problems for the band and my sister. That should get your ass moving,” Ream said over his shoulder. “Shit, wouldn’t doubt you’ll have a place by tonight.”

  Kite opened the fridge and grabbed the orange juice. “Penthouse downtown. Right by the water.”

  Crisis groaned. “Fuck. We’ll need security every time we walk out the door. You should’ve seen Haven’s school. I had an hour of signing.”

  Kite scowled. “You shouldn’t have gone to her school.”

  I picked up my mug and was about to slip away when Crisis snagged my hand. “What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Are you going to stay here?” He shrugged. “Didn’t you say you wanted to be downtown, closer to school? Find a job?”

  My eyes narrowed. “Yeah.” Where was he going with this?

  “Well, we could find a place for all of us.”

  I balked. “Like, live with you?”

  He nodded. “And Kite.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” I looked to Kite and he shrugged. “I meant my own place.”

  “Why not? It makes sense. Close to school. Less traveling time.”

  “With you?”

  “Well, yeah, me and Kite.”

  It would be a hell of a lot easier to get to school and I wouldn’t feel like I was encroaching on Kat and Ream’s space. But living with Crisis and Kite? They were famous and I didn’t need famous in my life. But what I did need was a job and that would give me the opportunity to work.

  “We’d buy a place big enough to have your own space,” Kite said.

  I bit the insides of my cheek. “I don’t like all the attention you guys draw. No, it wouldn’t work.”

  “Babe, it’s not like we have reporters outside our door every day. Besides, we have security and we’d buy a place that has it as well.”

  I’d never be able to move out of here unless I had a job and it was impossible to find a job while living on the farm with no license or car.

  But living with Crisis when I had this unmistakeable desire filtering through me . . .”It just wouldn’t be a good idea.”

  “It’s a great idea,” Crisis continued. “I’ll keep a low profile.” Kite huffed. “If anyone finds out we live there . . . which will take months . . . then you don’t leave the building at the same time as us. It’s simple.”

  I looked to Kite and he shrugged.

  “We’d hardly be there,” Crisis said. “We’ll be at the studio most of the time working on the album. And I can talk to Georgie about a job at her coffee shop. It’s right downtown.”

  I’d been a marionette for twelve years and this would give me the chance to get a job and make my own money. Money I’d get to keep for myself. “Why?” I asked.

  Crisis frowned. “Why what?”

  “Why would you want me living with you guys?”

  Kite completely threw me off guard when he walked over and cupped his hand around the back of my neck and kissed my forehead. “Why wouldn’t we? Plus, it will keep this guy from parading around naked.” Kite let me go. “Think about it.” Kite glanced at Crisis and frowned. “What happened to your face?”

  I bit my lower lip as a smile creeped up on me. There was a bruise on his cheek now from the lawnmower incident.

  “Haven punched me.”

  Kite’s brows lifted and he half-cocked a grin before he left us alone. Live with Crisis and Kite? Wasn’t I doing that now? Hadn’t I done that for two months before they went on tour? My brother was marrying Kat and they certainly didn’t need me hanging around.

  There was the possibility of a job.

  To make my own money.

  Close to school.

  “No barging into my bedroom,” I said.

  Crisis held up his hands. “Done.”

  “And no parading around naked.” My pulse rose as I thought about his naked hard body and I swallowed.

  He quirked a grin. I glared. “Okay, deal, but you’re missing out.”

  “And as soon as I get a job, I pay rent.” Crisis scowled, but I stared him down and he relented with a nod. “If you have chicks over, I don’t want them parading around naked either.”

  He threw back his head and laughed. “Yeah, Ice. Got it. But that won’t be happening.”

  “And I get my own bathroom.”

  “Sweetness, you sure are asking a lot. You want a soaker tub, too? With the jets?”

  I scrunched up my nose.

  He pushed away from the counter. “Okay, so no nakedness. Own bathroom. And paying rent.”

  “A
nd no barging into my room.”

  “Sure, but that goes both ways, Ice. You parade around naked once and you’re out on your ass.” He winked at me then strolled away.

  I huffed, but I doubt he heard me. Taking my coffee, I went out to the porch and sat looking out onto the horse field. I’d miss this, the quiet and calm of the farm. But I couldn’t get a job staying here and, more importantly, I needed my brother to see that I was okay. That he could stop worrying about me.

  I lay back, my hand on my abdomen. This hurt the most.

  The rape. The drugs. The club. They had bent pieces of me, but I was repairing them.

  But one piece remained trapped and it was like fighting against a tornado. It whirled and spun inside me, damaging more and more each day. I didn’t know how much longer I’d be able to stand in the eye of the storm and ignore what was churning around me.

  Babe, we’ll pick you up in five.

  What?

  Kite and I want to show you a place.

  Don’t pick me up at school.

  It’s fine. We won’t even get out of the car.

  I was walking across the parking lot with Dana to her car. “Crisis and Kite want to take me to see a place. You want to come?”

  Dana smiled. “Yeah. I’ll text Dillon and let him know.”

  She’d been dating him since the frat party.

  Where are you?

  St. George Street. Where we met before. You’ll see my car.

  Oh, shit. Crisis’ car was a cranberry red muscle car. He didn’t have to get out of the car to gain attention; the car did that all by itself. Crisis hadn’t allowed me near the driver’s seat. Although, we had moved on to the tractor a couple weeks earlier and since I passed my written exam last week, I drove Ream’s Audi to the store on Sunday and that turned out to be pretty important because I’d gone to my brother and asked him. He grinned from ear-to-ear and grabbed his keys and we were out the door.

  Over the last month, Crisis and I had fallen into an easy friendship. Easy wasn’t really true because whenever I was near him, I fought the escalating desire. He acted like it was nothing when I jumped at the slightest graze of his hand or when I darted away from him and went for a run. Now, it was a run to smother something else entirely.

  I began to join everyone for dinner, and although I remained quiet, it was nice to see the banter between Ream, Kite and Crisis. Sometimes, we’d all watch a movie together; Crisis taught me to play Bullshit, a card game where I discovered I excelled since I read peoples’ expressions so well. My brother was my competition as he could easily keep a straight face.

  A few times Crisis sat with me out on the porch writing lyrics while I studied. It was a comforting silence, his fingers tapping away on his laptop and the pages flipping on my text book with my highlighter skimming sentences.

  Crisis was like breathing in fresh air. The beauty of him was that there were no lies. No mask. He said what everyone else was too polite or afraid to say.

  And for some, it may be too much, but for me, with all the lies and shadows that lurked inside me, Crisis had become my anchor to keep me afloat.

  I walked up to the driver’s side. “Can I drive?” I had my G license, so I could only drive during the day and a licensed driver had to be in the car with me.

  Crisis burst out laughing. “Like hell, Ice. Do you know what kind of car this is? It’s a 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 454 LS6.” I sighed, having heard this before. “Only twenty of these suckers ever made. Twenty. Get in the back.” He lifted the seat so I could crawl in the back where Dana was already sitting and laughing her ass off.

  Kite was in the front and looked over his shoulder at me. “He’d give up the band before this car. That tells you something.”

  “What about chicks?”

  Kite paused. “He already did that.”

  My brows drew together as I thought about it. Crisis never talked about chicks and I never saw him with any. Had the scenario with that chick changed his playboy status? I hadn’t heard anything about that.

  “What happened with that girl?”

  Kite glanced at Crisis who was hopping in the front seat. “Ask him.”

  Crisis started the engine. It purred. No, it rumbled and the vibration of the power beneath me was exhilarating. I kind of got why he didn’t want me driving it. I’d probably put my foot on the gas and ram it right into the car parked ahead.

  “Ask me what?”

  “Haven was asking about the girl,” Kite said.

  “What girl?”

  Kite shook his head. “You know . . . Tammy.”

  “Who’s Tammy?” Dana asked while putting on her seat belt.

  That was her name. I didn’t like it.

  Crisis hands fisted around the steering wheel. “Nothing is happening. She posts crap on social media, trying to get attention. I’m ignoring it. Our publicist, Jolie, says not to feed into it and the lawyer says don’t respond. I don’t.”

  I was getting that social media had a lot of power. People were pretty brave behind the safety of a computer screen. I could tell Crisis was agitated by it though, and when I saw him looking at me in the rear-view mirror, I gave him a reassuring smile. His hands relaxed on the steering wheel and he started chatting about the place we were going to see.

  Five minutes later, Crisis pulled up to a stunning building only a few short blocks away from the university and right on Bloor Street in Yorkville, one of the most prestigious areas of Toronto.

  “You’re shittin’ me. This building is freakin’ awesome,” Dana said as Kite held the seat up and she climbed out, her gaze following the smoky glass lines of the building. “And look at all the men in suits.”

  “Security,” Kite explained. “One of the reasons why we looked here.”

  Crisis lifted the seat and held out his hand. I took it and instantly my heart raced. I got out and looked up at the building, to avoid looking at Crisis. “It looks expensive.” It was the first thing I thought of, considering I’d lived in run-down houses all my life. The farm was beautiful but it was an old century home, nothing like this.

  “It’s close to your school and Georgie’s coffee shop isn’t far.” Crisis shut his door and kept hold of my hand as we walked inside, which I liked . . . a lot.

  “Oh, my God, it has a waterfall. Do you see that, Haven? A waterfall in the lobby.” She ran over and gaped, then dug in her purse and pulled out a coin. “My wish is to live here.” She tossed the coin in. I was betting hers was the only one in there, because it didn’t look like a building many residents had to make wishes.

  “Where’s the real estate agent?” I asked as Crisis pressed the button for the elevator. Kite raised his brows and looked at Crisis. “What?”

  “Don’t need one.” The elevator doors opened and we all piled in, although piled wouldn’t be the right word as it was huge and mirrored and had this little pale pink loveseat along the back wall.

  “Squeee! It’s like Pretty Woman.” Dana sprawled out on the loveseat and Kite snorted like she was crazy, and she was a little, but my friendship with Dana had crept up on me. She never mentioned my few breakdowns and she never put her hand on my shoulder again. “You’re no fun.”

  That statement was loaded because Kite probably had more fun than she did, except it was in private. Crisis used a card in a slot then pressed the PH button—penthouse. I was surprised a real estate agent would give him access to the place, but they were pretty famous, and denying Tear Asunder much of anything probably didn’t happen too often.

  When the doors opened, I gawked. My mouth actually fell open as we were greeted with marble floors and a wide-open space that looked right through to sixteen-foot windows overlooking the city.

  “Holy mother of God,” Dana whispered.

  “Come on, princess,” Crisis said. “Let’s see your bedroom.”

  “Potential bedroom,” I corrected. Could I do this? Live with Crisis and still keep what we had? He seemed to think so; I’d just need to run more. />
  He tugged on my hand and walked through the place, which had to be five-thousand square feet, and had a second floor. The terrace alone had to be six-hundred square feet with a built-in brick fireplace. It was the library that stole my breath away. Floor-to-ceiling shelves lined the walls, and although they were empty, the deep mahogany wood contrasted against the cool grey marble floors giving it a modern, yet old-world feel. One entire wall had an inlaid seat against the window with soft cream cushions.

  “Private space,” Crisis said, standing at the door while I walked around, sliding my finger along the wood shelves. “You can do your homework here. Kind of like your own place to hang.”

  I laughed and then stopped short when I saw his expression. He was locked on me, eyes watching, and there was desire smoldering. I liked it. I liked his eyes on me and I never thought I’d enjoy that after the club. I never thought I’d want a guy to touch me ever again. “Crisis, I don’t need a library. All I need is a bedroom. And this place is too much. I feel like if I breathe, I’ll break something.”

  “What, the marble floors?” He stepped away from the door chuckling and I followed after him.

  “You know what’s missing?” Dana called from the patio. “A pool. Where’s the pool?”

  “Downstairs,” Kite said, then sat on one of the stools around the island in the state-of-the-art kitchen.

  She rolled her eyes. “Oh. Well, isn’t that a pain in the ass to have to share with other residents.”

  I followed Crisis up an iron spiral staircase to an open area. He pointed to a door. “That will be the gym. And the next room’s mine. The one on the other side is Kite’s and across the hall is a guest room. Each of us have our own bathroom and they’re pretty much exactly the same.” He walked me down a hall. “And this is yours.”

  I stared at the enormous space with windows on two walls and a private balcony. Crisis opened a door on the left. “Bathroom with a soaker,” he said grinning.