Shattered by You

by Nashoda Rose

  I backed out. “No. I can’t afford this.” It was overwhelming. Way too much. I expected a nice place, but this . . . this wasn’t a place I could imagine myself in. God, all I imagined was Crisis and I in the soaker tub together, naked with his arms wrapped around me as I leaned back against him while he nuzzled the side of my neck, then licked the slight moisture clinging to my skin. Jesus, what the hell was wrong with me?

  “Babe,” Crisis called as I escaped and went back downstairs. “Haven.” I heard him come after me and he caught my arm before I reached the elevator. “It’s just four walls.”

  “Yeah, with marble floors, four bathrooms and a library. Crisis, it has a library.” Kite and Dana joined us. “You guys can do whatever you want, but I don’t want to live in a museum.” And I was scared. I hated being scared. I’d been able to lock that away with everything else for so long, but what I felt for Crisis . . . it terrified me because I didn’t know what to do with it.

  “Christ, it’s not a museum.” Crisis crossed his arms, leaned back against the wall to block the button for the elevator. “It’s big, yeah, but we won’t be tripping over one another. The security is top of the line and no fans are getting past them. No attention, Haven. It’s what you want. You won’t have to worry about it here. If reporters ever find out we’re in the building, they won’t even get up to the front walkway before security is on them.” He glanced at Kite as if for help.

  Kite piped in. “You tell Ream you’re looking to move out?”

  I shook my head. “No.” I had mentioned it at one point, but that was after I was done school and had a job.

  “Then when the shit hits the fan, he may be a little more reasonable knowing you’re safe here and it’s close to school. Makes sense for you to move in.”

  Kite had a good point. It didn’t solve the issue of the imagery plastered in my mind and screwing with my control.

  “We move next week,” Crisis said, shoving off the wall and turning to press the button.

  “You bought it already?” I asked. And this was when I felt panic, because that meant he was leaving the farm. It meant I wouldn’t see him every day. It meant I’d lose what we had.

  “Yeah. So, tell your brother and start packing,” Crisis said.

  Oh. He sounded pissed off and I didn’t like that I was the cause.

  “Wow!” Dana stood frozen, staring at me. “We are so hanging at your place from now on.”

  The elevator doors opened and Crisis and Dana walked in. I went to follow when Kite snagged my arm, leaned in and in a low tone said, “He’s been dying to show you this place for weeks.”

  My gaze darted to Crisis and I realized he’d been excited. He’d taken my hand and pulled me along like a kid in a candy store. And I was shooting him down at every opportunity when I had no right to. I’d ruined it for him.

  This place made sense for me. Crisis had taken what I said to heart and found a place where I was close to school, a job and had the privacy and safety of security in place.

  Shit. I was a bitch. I was okay with being a bitch to other people, people I didn’t care about, but not to Crisis. He was good to me. No, it was more than that, much more. But what I was feeling would ease just like the memories of my past.

  “Okay. I’ll move in.” Except, the memories hadn’t faded and despite what I was trying to convince myself, I didn’t think what I was feeling for Crisis would either.

  “Okay?” Crisis repeated, beaming, and holding the door open with his forearm.

  I walked into the elevator and sat on the loveseat. “Yeah. Okay.”

  “Yes!” Dana squealed.

  “But both of you”—I looked from Kite to Crisis—“have to be with me when I tell Ream.”

  Two hours later, the boom of Ream’s roar hit. “No fuckin’ way! Out of the question. Jesus, what are you thinking, Haven? Live with these guys? Man-whore parading chicks in and out and Kite . . .” he glared at him. “You may not parade them, but you sure as hell have plenty of them, too. My sister is not living with you guys. Forget it.”

  He paced back and forth in the living room, shoulders tense, hands clenched into fists. Kite casually had one leg bent over the other as he sat on the couch and Crisis stood by the fireplace, looking rather relaxed considering my brother kept glancing at him with murderous eyes.

  “It makes sense, pumpkin,” Kat offered and smiled at me. She called my brother pumpkin? “Close to school and not stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.”

  Ream snorted. “Have you forgotten about the Crisis issue? The chick has written love letters on the internet to him.” I stiffened. Love letters? “She’s fine here with us. I can drive her anywhere she wants to go.”

  “She doesn’t want that,” Kat continued. “She wants independence. Away from her controlling bullheaded brother.”

  Did they forget I was standing right here?

  “Jesus, I’m not trying to control her.”

  Everyone was silent and Ream stopped pacing then looked at each of us before his eyes landed on me. “Haven, you want your own place, I’ll buy you an apartment. Or we can rent one, whatever you want. You can’t live with them.”

  I hated the word can’t. I didn’t do well with the word can’t. I pushed away from the wall and shook my head. “This is my decision. My choice.” My tone hardened. “I get a choice now.” Ream crossed his arms, but I saw the flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. “You of all people know what it’s like not have a say in what happens to you. When you’re forced to do things you don’t want to do.” Ream’s jaw clenched, but his eyes softened, then closed briefly. “When other people make decisions for you.”

  “Haven . . .” Ream came toward me, but I held up my hand, stopping him.

  “I don’t want anyone’s sympathy or pity. And I don’t want to be told I can’t do something. I had that. I hated it and I finally escaped it.” I softened my tone. “Ream, I know you still see me as sixteen and weak, but I’m not.”

  “I don’t see you as weak. I never did. Never. You were strong as hell, you still are. More than ever and I don’t know how you’ve done that, but you have. I just want you to feel like you’re safe. That you don’t have to be so strong anymore.”

  “It’s who I am now, Ream.”

  Kite casually played with his brow ring. “Security is top. Crisis had Luke check the place out, too.” I averted my eyes to Crisis. I hadn’t known that.

  “And this Tammy chick? What about that?” Ream asked.

  Crisis answered, “Luke is keeping an eye, but she’s in Alberta and everything she does is on-line crap. No reason for her to come to Toronto when she never has before.”

  “She could.” Ream was persistent and I realized he was a lot like me. He didn’t give up easily and was stubborn.

  “And if she does, we’ll deal. Luke will deal. The police will deal,” Crisis said. “We don’t live like that, Ream.” The two brothers locked eyes. It was kind of like an understanding between them with what Crisis said, and I wondered what it was. “Haven is travelling forty-five minutes to school and back. It doesn’t make sense for her.”

  Ream stood silent for what seemed like five minutes, but was probably only a few seconds, then he nodded and his shoulders sagged. Kite got up and walked by me, placing his hand briefly on my hip while Kat reached for Ream and wrapped her arms around him, whispering something in his ear, which made him sag even more.

  I approached them then reached out to him, putting my hand on his tatted forearm. “Living here with you and Kat on the farm . . . it’s not the right place for me.”

  He nodded, pulled me into his arms and hugged me. “I love you so much, Angel,” Ream whispered.

  I love you, too.

  “HAVEN, WAIT UP.” I paused and looked over my shoulder at Dana, who jogged up beside me. “You want to go to karaoke tonight? Dillon booked a private room upstairs at this bar. There’s eight of us going.”

  I opened the cafeteria door and the noise of dishes and boistero
us voices drowned out my groan. “Not really my thing.”

  “I swear you won’t have to sing if you don’t want to. Just sit and laugh at me making a complete fool of myself.” She placed a banana, water and bologna sandwich on her tray.

  “Why do you want to do it, then?” My phone vibrated in my back pocket and tiny sparks flared across my skin. God, I was turned on by phone vibration.

  “It’s fun.”

  Dana talked about karaoke. I half-listened while thinking about the text, which I knew was from Crisis. I expected more texts since he hated when I didn’t respond and he let me know it, but my phone remained quiet. Maybe it was my brother who texted; disappointment settled in.

  We grabbed lunch then went and sat at the table by the window with Dana’s crowd. Dillon’s buddies were on the lacrosse team and they were pretty nice, not rowdy like the football team. Rebecca and Tanya hung with us, too, having gone to the same high school with a couple of the guys on the team.

  “Hey, hon.” Dillon slid over and Dana sat next to him.

  “Haven, you coming to karaoke tonight?” Dillon’s best friend was Lac, the guy from my Creative Writing class with Professor Neale. I found out his real name was Johnny, but everyone called him Lac because he was the captain of the lacrosse team.

  Lac plopped down beside me and jerked his head to the right to flick his light brown bangs out of his eyes. “My shower singing skills will be revealed.” He grinned.

  I was starting to like Lac; he was polite and poised. There was a calmness about him, probably why he was the captain of his team. “I have studying to do.”

  Lac nodded. “Yeah, sure. Okay.” Another reason I liked him, he never pushed me into joining them on their nights out.

  “Oh, my God, Dillon.” Dana smacked him on the arm and laughed. “Stop. Fine, I’ll ask her.” She turned to me. “Dillon wants you to ask Kite and Crisis to come tonight. I told him no way in hell.”

  Keeping a secret that I lived with two band members from Tear Asunder had been impossible, especially when Crisis showed up at school when he was bored. I didn’t know how he ever got bored when he was in the recording studio most days, which often led into the nights.

  He did attempt to keep a low profile, though, always wearing a baseball cap low over his face and head down and no Luke or his men.

  We’d lived in the condo for three weeks and there were only two girls I’d seen, and both had their clothes on and were leaving when I was getting ready for school. I knew it was going to happen. God, I expected it. Still, it hurt, even though I had no idea if they’d been Kite’s girls or Crisis.’

  “Come on, Haven. It would be cool if they came.” Kevin was on the lacrosse team, too, and was here on a scholarship. He wiggled his bushy brows then shovelled a handful of fries into his mouth. Funny, how a person changed their tune when suddenly the tables had turned. Kevin was acting as if he liked Crisis after calling him an asshole at the party.

  I shook my head. Not a chance. I wasn’t asking Crisis and Kite to be on display in front of my . . . I guess they could be called my friends. I hadn’t experienced having any before, but we ate lunch together most days and I was invited to everything, although I rarely went.

  Lac nudged me with his shoulder and smiled. “Not a big deal. I’m sure I can sing just as well as any of those Tear Asunder guys.”

  He was teasing and I half-smiled. It was getting easier to do, let others see my emotions. The normality was finally becoming reality. I was even going to start work at Georgie’s coffee shop in two weeks. Crisis’ doing. She was away with Deck, but her manager, Rylie, said I could work two nights a week.

  “Hey, we should do dinner one night.” Lac leaned into me and his hand settled on my lower back.

  I stiffened at his touch. Was he asking me out? I liked him, he was definitely good looking, but I wasn’t going to date him.

  Dana interjected before I had a chance to respond, “So, will you come tonight?” She raised her brows and pouted.

  I wanted to learn how to have fun, to socialize. This was why I’d moved downtown, why I went to school, to move on with my life. This was just another step toward doing that and this wasn’t a party. Besides, I hadn’t had any triggers lately. “Okay.”

  A hush slowly came over the group in a domino effect. I knew who it was before I looked, and my heart picked up and my skin tingled. When I did look, the tingles became sparks and my breath caught in my throat. He kept his head tilted down and didn’t look at anyone, totally not Crisis’ style, but I knew he did it for me. His long even strides were casual and confident with a swagger and so Crisis—that he couldn’t hide.

  I licked my lips and faced back around the other way.

  “Oh, my God, I so have to get in his pants,” Rebecca said. “That man is smoking hot. I can’t even imagine what he’d do to a girl with that mouth.” She giggled. “Actually, yes I can.”

  “Shut up, Becky.” Dana threw a fry at her. “He’s not interested in your hairy vagina. He likes Haven.”

  “We’re just friends,” I said. Except I wanted to kiss him and every time he was near me I had butterflies and distinct tightness between my legs that made my panties wet. It hadn’t eased by living with him. It was worse, and worse was fucking with my control.

  What I didn’t like was thinking about Crisis taking Rebecca or Tanya home with him. Would he? If they put in a little effort . . . or no effort. Both of them were pretty and very willing.

  I felt his presence come up behind me and my belly dropped. Jesus, it was as if my body went into an adrenaline rush and all I could think of was him coming up behind me and kissing my neck. Of the touch of his lips against my skin, his tongue flicking out to taste me. The nibble of his teeth on my ear that kind of hurt but didn’t and he’d soothe it after with a gentle suckling.

  Oh, God. I shifted uneasily in my seat as the heat rose in my body and the clench between my legs intensified.

  Lac moved his hand from my back as Crisis moved in, which pretty much forced him to. His hard abdomen pressed into my back and he swept a finger across the nape of my neck, pushing my hair aside. Shivers darted across my skin and my breath stopped.

  He leaned into me further and kissed the top of my head. I melted. I didn’t think it was possible to melt from a simple gesture, but I did. It had become a habit of his and I loved that he did it. Being tall, I fit right underneath his chin and it was perfect for him to kiss the top of my head when I was standing, but he still did it when I was sitting.

  The entire table stared at him and I looked back at my plate and grabbed a fry.

  “Hey, baby.” Crisis bent over me, snatched the fry I nearly had in my mouth, took a bite then put the other half to my mouth.

  I opened and his finger grazed my upper lip as he slowly fed me. I locked eyes with him and expected a smirk, a smile, a grin, but instead, I got that smoldering hot sexy look that had me wanting to say screw it and jump him.

  Jump him. I hadn’t wanted to jump a guy in my life. I quickly looked back at my plate, but he wasn’t done yet and his hands came to rest on my upper arms. I stiffened when he slowly caressed up and down. Casual sex. Could I do casual sex? But there would be nothing casual about it. It would be heated and intense and . . . I sucked in air as his mouth came right next to my ear.

  “I was hoping it was sloppy joe day. I’d love to see the juices around your mouth. I’d lick you clean this time, baby.” And he had to go say shit like that. He knew. He had to know what I was feeling right now and was teasing me. “You mind shifting over, buddy?”

  I glanced over at Lac who frowned but slid over anyway. Crisis stepped over the bench and sat beside me. “Introduce me to your friends, Ice.”

  “What are you doing here?” I whispered.

  “I texted you to meet me outside. You didn’t respond. I hate being ignored . . . you know that.”

  Yeah, I did and I still had my phone sitting in my back pocket. “How did you know I was here?”

&nb
sp; “Your schedule has been posted in the library for weeks, babe.” And he’d obviously read it. And he was obviously enjoying my discomfort because he made sure his thigh was against mine.

  Becky piped up from across the table, her flirty smile full-blown. “I’m Rebecca.”

  Everyone introduced themselves, but it was Lac who Crisis paid attention to as he shook his hand. “You interested in dating Haven?”

  Oh, my God. “Crisis.”

  But Lac didn’t balk at Crisis’ question; instead, he grinned. “Yeah. Haven is pretty special.”

  Dana interjected. “Crisis thinks so, too.”

  Lac didn’t say anything.

  Crisis stole another fry from my plate and ate it. “Yep. And she likes me . . . a lot.”

  I did. God, I did. I liked him a lot and he’d noticed. Excitement thrummed through me because I was thinking that casual sex was going to have to come into play here. And despite it being a bad idea, it was also a good idea because sex was something I’d never wanted. Now I did and I wanted to experience it with Crisis.

  There were a few chuckles from everyone except Kevin, who got up and left. Maybe he was still pissed about his phone.

  Rebecca leaned forward, her breasts accentuated as she pushed her chest out. “So, do you want to come out with us tonight?”

  “What’s tonight?” Crisis asked. He shifted his legs under the table, stretching them out and I felt the slow movement rub down the length of my thigh.

  Rebecca started to tell him when Dana quickly interrupted and told him about karaoke. “Haven is coming if you want to join us. Maybe Kite, too? You guys can show us how it’s done.”

  Crisis chuckled and Tanya and Rebecca sighed, their eyes having never left him. It was annoying and I had an odd tightening in my chest.

  “He’s busy,” I said and went back to eating, although I could no longer taste the food.

  “You going?” Crisis turned to Lac.

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “I’m going,” Becky chimed up.