The days by his side

by M. C. S

  And here I am. Being taken home by my mother. The students in the class where she was teaching at the time should thank me for the sudden vacant class. Mom took me to the health center near the school. I made up a headache and dizziness for the doctor, who did not even look in my face. Which was good for me, I did not want him to unmask my lie.

  My mother prepared lunch, she seemed to be worried. I rarely got sick and felt terrible lying to her. I went to bed earlier that day, still supporting my lie.

  21st Day

  My night was sleepless, and it made it easier for me to wake up later. My mother did not wake me up for Saturday cleaning. Which really led me to believe she was really worried. I took a shower and walked to the kitchen. The breakfast table was already set. I walked in at the very moment Mom was canceling some appointment on her cell phone.

  “She's not well yet. We can arrange for another day...”

  “No. I'm fine. You can go,” I interrupted her, feeling that this would not just be a date with one of her friends.

  Mom put her hand on her cell phone so that whoever was talking to her would not hear what she was going to say to me.

  “Elle, go to bed.”

  “I'm better. You can go to your appointment,” I insisted once more. I'm going back to my room so you can talk better.

  “You don't have to go to the room. It is no big deal,” mom blushed. Of course there was something more. She blushed. I preferred to leave her alone. I was happy to hear her speak the name of teacher Carlos, right after I entered the room.

  After lunch, I called Carla. I waited for her to call me yesterday, I did not understand why she did not do that. After all, I had left school early yesterday, I thought she was worried, I only understood the reason after receiving this call:

  “Forgive me! I should have called you yesterday, but I didn't. And I'm like, with a very heavy conscience. Benjamin won three days of suspension,” it fell silent on the phone. “Elle?”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t you call me yesterday?”

  “So you don't go play ridiculous and go there to comfort him.”

  “I wasn't going to do that. And Benjamin would not need to be comforted because he was suspended. Of course he must be loving it.”

  “But you would console him if you knew it happened after he came to my room screaming to ask for you.”

  “He did what?”

  “His teacher, as I understand it, hadn't given him permission to leave the room, but he did. Then, Ben appeared at my room door calling me. It happened that the teacher didn't want to give him permission to talk to me. Then Ben started with the scandal. He didn't call me but kept screaming for my name. I saw that he was getting more nervous as the teacher told him to leave otherwise she would take him to the board. I got up without her permission just to try to calm him down. He and I walked away from the room, but as he asked me why you left, the teacher kept coming after us. Then, Benjamin sent her to shit. She sent me back to the room, and I obeyed her, I had no idea what happened to them after that. I only found out later that he was suspended. Elle, please can you forgive me?”

  “No need for forgiveness. I am not mad at you. I think I'll go there.”

  “At Ben's house? Please, Elle, don’t stoop.”

  “If he asked about me, that means he was worried.”

  “No, that means he has some issue.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Don't you mind if he's crazy? Elle?” I hung up the phone and went to Benjamin's house.

  As I approached, I heard the sound of a guitar. Someone was playing.

  His mother answered the intercom. She asked me to wait a while. I wondered if this was the time for her to run over here and kick me off after I tried to get some information about Benjamin from the shrink/ aunt. I breathed a sigh of relief when she spoke again on the intercom authorizing me to enter.

  The sound of the guitar got louder as I entered the house. Ben's mother greeted me with a smile, and I could breathe a sigh of relief once again. She asked me to accompany her. We passed around the pool fence, and she led me to a spot in the house where I hadn't gone yet. It was a play area where I saw a well-kept grill, but it seemed to be quite unused for a long time. The wooden chairs were on the table, and I could finally see Ben in a corner, playing the guitar.

  I did not know he played the guitar. This instrument did not go well with him. Benjamin looks like he would get along very well with a six-string. The melody echoed in my ear and I could finally recognize the lyrics behind that soft touch. His fingers seemed to dance on the strings of the guitar as the notes flowed. Then I heard him say something as he strummed his fingers on the strings forming the lyrics.

  How to be brave

  “I am trying.”

  How can I Love

  When I’m afraid to fall

  “Damned! How can I?”

  I have died every day waiting for you

  “I didn't have to wait so long...”

  “Ben?” the mother interrupted him.

  “Oh!” he spun his chair toward us. “You are there,” he said to me, a cynical smile forming on his lips.

  “But, Ben, I told you Elle was here.”

  “No! You didn’t say,” Ben's mother scolded him with her eyes. A look often practiced by my mother.

  “I'll let you guys talk,” she patted his son's shoulder and withdrew, leaving us alone.

  We do not talk much. Ben seemed to vent his anger and frustrations on the guitar strings. He did not talk about his aunt's subject. It was as if I had imagined everything that happened. It looked like he had put a stone in the subject. Or maybe I was waiting for the right moment to throw it all in my face. I am sure he would wait.

  He asked why I left early yesterday, I said I was not feeling well. He asked why several times, making me embarrassed. He knew the reason I left was him.

  “I didn't know you played.”

  “There are many things about me that you don't know. I had guitar lessons when I was a child. I played to please my parents. At first, I didn't like it, later I couldn't let go anymore. Then, came the teenage years, the drinking, the girls, the wrong friendships, so I quit. I no longer needed to please my parents. And I didn't have time anymore. I had no more room for the guitar in my life. And now look at the irony, I have enough time,” Ben did not look at me as he spoke, he had not forgiven me yet, I felt it. “What did you come here for?” he finally asked.

  “I heard you got suspended.”

  “Then that's it. Bad behavior. What did Carla tell you?”

  “Nothing more.”

  “So she didn't tell you that I behaved like a madman?”

  “No!” I blushed at the lie, was glad he's not looking straight at me.

  “I was fed up Elle, just wanted to overflow. Don't think I'm crazy.”

  “No. I don’t think.”

  “Nice,” he said and kept playing.

  Benjamin

  Still 19th Day

  I t was another one of my unavoidable commitments. One of those boring days when I would have to open up with my shrink, who is also my aunt, about the last few days. Once a month I had to forget that she was my father's sister, and my mother's best friend, and I open my heart and mind to her. She tried to convince me that she never told anything we talked to my parents, but I never convinced myself. My mother always looked at me strangely after a day of consultation. It was her time and my aunt's to catch up.

  That day I woke up without complaining, I always complained that I had an appointment, but my complaint never made my mother clear the appointment. So I preferred to go silent.

  Since becoming a paraplegic, it took me a while to get used to my mother bathing and dressing. I could have opted for a nurse, but I find that even more embarrassing. After a while, I began my attempts to dress alone, after many falls and frustrations, I finally succeeded. Of course it required a good deal of my time and a little technique, I could not
put my pants on in less than ten minutes, but it was still a lot better than letting my mom do it.

  The trip to my aunt's office was not very long, but my mother insisted that we should drive, nothing convinced her to walk.

  I thought it was going to be another one of those routine appointments, but I was completely wrong. I realized this as soon as my aunt opened the door, and a skinny girl with her unmistakable glasses came out right after her.

  I rolled my eyes, surprised. Elle was distinctly ashamed, and the first question that prowled me was, what was she doing here? I did not have time to ask my question, as she hurried out without greeting me. It looked like she was running from me.

  But if Elle thought she was going to escape, she was very wrong. I went after her, wanted an answer urgently. I saw the exit door closing behind her, reached for the doorknob and opened it. I got out, spun my chair, and went to the ramp. I felt useless being in a wheelchair, it would be easier to chase her if I could run. I thought I could not reach her, but the traffic was chaotic, doing the job I could not do on my terms: preventing Elle from crossing the street.

  I confronted her, who insisted on lying. I knew she lied. But when she told the truth, my mind did not think straight, the truth was, my mind never thought straight. But Elle hurt me, I never thought she plotting behind my back would cause me so much pain. So what I had to do is hurt her like she hurt me, not that I say the words: I hate you, would hit her that much. I do not know if she really cared how I felt about her, but the girl looked really broken up, but in my suspicious little head, she was just like that because she got caught in the act.

  My appointment was more than late, the next patient was waiting for his turn, I did not want to harm Auntie for leaving at the time of my appointment, but I would not leave until I pulled out of my aunt everything Elle had confessed for her. But of course taking something from my aunt would be a virtually impossible mission. She was very professional.

  I walked into the office without even giving my usual good morning and my smile that everything was fine, meaning she was not supposed to ask too many questions, so I went straight to what interested me:

  “What did Elle come to ask you?”

  “Benjamin, consultations are confidential, I can't say anything about what she came here to do.”

  “You can.”

  “No, I can’t.”

  I spent half an hour arguing with her about it, until my throat dried up, she was irreducible. When consultation was over, I was in the waiting room with my mother. She and my aunt always have lunch together, after I consult. I always prefer to go home, but that day I decided to stay, since I could not persuade her inside her office, her nephew Ben, would do it elsewhere.

  I hated these fancy restaurants, so I always preferred not to come. I would rather stuff myself with rice, beans, steak, and fries a thousand times than come here for lobster, or caubillaud au vin rouche. I was hungry, waiting for both of them to have lunch. I stared at my aunt until she could not stand it.

  “What is it, Benjamin?”

  “Elle,” mom looked at me and then at my aunt.

  “Ben thinks Gabrielle came to my office to dig into his life.”

  “And why would she do that?” mom asked.

  “I thought Elle was short-sighted,” auntie answered with a little disdain. Mom and I look at each other without understanding the message. “Do you know what is annoying?” she finally started talking like she was my aunt, not the psychologist Andréia Nascimento, “you,” he pointed at me. “You've spent the last few days just talking about Elle, Elle, and Elle. Why do you talk about her so much? Why are you talking about her now?” my aunt leaned over the table, daring me to speak.

  “Friendship,” I shrugged. “I know you are over fifteen, but at school you must have had friends you couldn't leave, or who talked about him / her all the time.”

  “You too, Benjamin.”

  “Me too what?”

  “You are over fifteen.”

  “Did I offend you, Auntie?” a mocking smile broke out on my face.

  “So, do you like Elle?” I was feeling a double meaning in the question, and I did not like it.

  “Of course I like Elle. Just like I like Marcos. My mother likes Elle too. Mom, do you like Elle?” my aunt slapped the table, causing everyone in the restaurant to turn slightly toward us.

  “Don't answer, Ana!” my mother had her mouth open, having to swallow her answer.

  “How much do you like Elle?” she asked me.

  “As much as I like you, Auntie. Right now, not at all,” I hated being backed up against the wall. I remembered that my aunt was the third person who implied that I was coming to feel something more for Elle, if a fourth person told me that, I would even be convinced.

  “I think both of you have already drawn too much attention. Let's stop here,” my mom said. She hated scandals, even those who had not even started.

  I crossed my arms, showing my irritation. Mom left aunt in the office. They talked before, letting me wait a little in the car. Auntie came back to say goodbye to me, stuck her head in the car window.

  “Are you going to be mad at me?”

  “In a few seconds it will pass. See, I think it's over,” she placed a kiss on my cheek, I returned the gesture. I could not be mad at her for long. Even though I was forced, I became very close to her since the accident.

  “Elle just wants to see you well. Stop being a badass. She's in love with you,” she whispered in my ear, making me stunned. Auntie walked away before I digest the sentence, Mom started the car right away.

  Shit! Shit! Shit! Elle could not be in love with me. Elle is smart, she would not fall in love with me. Did Elle confess this to my aunt, or did she get it out of her crazy suspicions? I will not ask her, if I do not have to throw a tantrum again, and pretend that I am mad at her, to try to get something out of her again. But maybe my aunt was wrong, but she is never wrong. Shit!

  I squint at Elle's as soon as my mother drives the car in front of it. As I get out of the car, I feel a look burning my skin. I know where that look was coming from. And, I still had not forgiven her for snooping about my life, it had been a few hours, I needed more time than that. And reasoning when I am angry is not one of the things I do very well.

  Like an offended child, I raised my hand and showed Elle the middle finger. Of course she was shocked, but I did not regret it. She had no right to invade my private life in this dirty way.

  Just like the day, that was one of the worst nights of my life. The worst part was not being able to go out to relax.

  Still 20th Day

  The next morning I preferred not to go to school, but that was one of the deals I made with my mother. It was a way for her to trust me, spending this time without her company. She wanted to see if I was able to turn around on my own and not do any stupid act such as throwing myself in the pool. So maybe she would let me live alone. I depended on her for one of those more obvious reasons, and of course I had no money. I get a good allowance, really good, but the money comes from my parents, if I left home without their permission of course they would cut this and other benefits.

  Sometimes they suffocate me, what they have done for me is enough. I need to live my life. I need to feel free again, even if it is incomplete.

  Elle was already there. Her gaze sometimes hovering quickly towards me. I never bothered at the way Elle looked at me, I always blamed it on her glasses, but that morning she proved to me otherwise, it was different.

  That day her eyes seemed sadder, but I was not there to feel compassion for her sadness. Then in another moment of anger and childishness I shouted her to stop looking at me. I regretted moments later that she tried to justify herself and could not finish the sentence. I forgot that she was a shy girl, and that this should not be done with a shy person.

  Later I moved my seat, I did not want Elle to look at me like that again, to be honest I wanted her to know that I was not that dependent on her, I wanted to off
end her for intruding on my life. One of the best revenge would be to despise her, so I decided to make new friends.

  But as Elle left to go to the restroom and did not return, a sudden shift from anger to worry took hold of my being. I swallowed hard as the principal came into the room and excused herself, said something to the teacher, and picked up Elle's material. My heart hammered harder against my chest; how long did it beat like that? But I had to keep my pride. I held tight to the arm of the chair, resisting the temptation to ask what had happened to Elle before the headmistress had finished gathering her material.

  Twenty minutes later I lost my mind. I was dumb / honest enough that instead of asking to go to the restroom, I asked to go talk to Carla. Obviously, the answer would be no. But I did not care, I left the room while I listened to the teacher say to return.

  I reached Carla's room, but the teacher who was teaching her class at the time refused to release her. I insisted, calling, to be honest I shouted, drawing the attention of the entire room. I do not know what happened to Carla, so she came to me, defying the teacher.

  We left the room. Carla followed behind me, but I could hear the sound of the teacher's shoe coming after us, thus irritating me. Why could not she just leave us in peace?

  “Why did Elle leave?” I asked Carla, braking the wheelchair.

  “I didn't know Elle left.”

  “Oh, you didn't know? Just you,” I spun my chair to face Carla, wondering how much she was lying. What frustrated me most was that I could not see the lie in Carla's eyes. Surely, she must have been able to lie more than me.

  “She must have been unwell.”

  “Carla, I want you back in the room, I didn't give you permission to leave,” the teacher interrupted us, making me angrier than I already was, when I realized, the words had already left my mouth.

  “Go to hell!” after that, I went to the principal's office.

  While I was waiting for my mother, I had to listen to many things, how I wished my mother had arrived before I uttered the words.

  “Benjamin, you can't use your physical condition to give you perks. I can't treat you differently because of your condition,” said the Headmistress, leaving her hands folded on the table.