The days by his side

by M. C. S

  “Ben, please!” I said.

  “Calm down, babe! Elle,” Ben corrected himself after my mother glared at him.

  “Why don’t you stop stalling and talk?”

  “Mom!”

  “It’s okay, Elle. It’s your mom. Nothing surprises me,” I wanted a hole to stick my head in. I knew this would not work.

  “Mom, don't mind,” I whispered to her.

  “The point is, Elizabeth. It's just ... well…” Benjamin snorted. “This will be hard,” my mother arched an eyebrow. “Elle and I, as you know, we're dating… I know it doesn't make sense anymore since we're dating, but I wanted to ask for your blessing, or your permission. I don't know which word goes well at a time like this. I just don't want to date Elle hiding. So, are we authorized?” Mom analyzed Ben in silence and did not confirm what he asked.

  “Ben, what do you think about the future? What do you want to do after you finish high school? Which means, in a few days.”

  “Wow!” Ben smiled. And with his smile I knew he would not say the right thing. “I'm asking your daughter to date, not to marry,” Ben fired, and I scolded him for his mocking tone.

  “So this is your sensible answer?” Ben shrugged. “I suppose few years will pass, so you mean you wouldn't propose to Elle?” I looked at Ben and then at my mother. But what a strange direction this conversation was taking. I am only sixteen.

  “Suppose few years go by and your daughter and I are still together, I really don't know if I would propose to her. I don't know if what is going on through my mind in a few years.”

  “Idiot! Miserable!” I raged.

  “You took the words out of my mouth, Elle!” my mom said. “This is the real Ben.”

  “You guys are so aggressive. You didn't even wait for me to finish. Maybe we don't have to wait so long. I'll live alone in a few months...”

  “Not in dreams, Benjamin,” my mother cut him off. “Elle is going to study.”

  “She can do that; I won't stop her.”

  “Ben, be quiet,” I asked patiently.

  “Why complicate it so much?”

  “I'm not complicating anything. My daughter is only sixteen. As long as she is a minor, she will do whatever I want. I just want you to respect her.”

  “Only when she wants me to respect her,” Benjamin muttered.

  “Ben, please stop! You’re ruining everything,” I said.

  “Ok! No problems. I'll be quiet. I just want to know if you allow me to date Elle? About marriage we’ll talk in the future.”

  “I'll give you a vote of confidence, Benjamin...”

  “Ben,” he interrupted my mother. I wanted to be sitting next to him now to punch him.

  “But I have some rules. That of Elle going to your house just two days a week is on,” Ben and I nod. “I don't want Elle in your room.”

  “You didn’t even have to say it. Elle never came into my room. My mother would never agree to this,” just like Ben was easy to lie, I was to get red. I wanted Mom to jump to the next rule soon.

  “Events outside the neighborhood, only with my permission. I don't want you to disturb her studies in any way,” we nod. “Most of the time you'll see each other, it's at my house,” we agree. “And foremost, I hope you don't disappoint me, and most of all, that you don't disappoint my daughter.”

  “So, that is a yes?”

  “I can't stop prevent you both.”

  “No.”

  “Then, Benjamin, behave for our coexistence to be the best as possible.”

  “I will do my best.”

  “Then start,” mother said, got up, going towards the kitchen.

  “Did you need to exaggerate like that?” I sat on the floor next to Ben.

  “She was leaning on against the wall.”

  “I'm listening!” my mother shouted from the kitchen.

  “Ben, if we'd been together long enough, wouldn't you really propose to me? You’d do the same as these guys out there, who date the girl for ten years, and that’s the only reason you don’t think it’s necessary to propose?” I asked in a low tone that only he and I could hear.

  “I don’t like the tone of the question. Are you accusing me?”

  “But you said it.”

  “Not that way. I wouldn't stall you so much.”

  “But would you stall?”

  “Really, Elle? I’m sure you’re the girl I want to live with for the rest of my life. I can feel it now.”

  “You lie,” Ben reached out to me. “No!” I denied, still upset about his response to the marriage. Not that I wanted to get married tomorrow, but that answer I couldn't easily accept. What if five years from now we were still together? Wouldn't he propose to me? Or at least we could have jumped from boyfriends to fiancés.

  “It’s not time for a temper, Elle. We have to make a good impression on your mother.”

  “You already cramped your style for today. She won’t forget what you said. NEVER!”

  “And neither do you.”

  “No. Now, let's have lunch. Want some help?” I stand up.

  “No thank you,” he replied sulkily.

  “All right then!”

  Mom had placed the orchid she had gotten from Ben on the table. The atmosphere was tense as we had lunch. I still had not accepted Benjamin's answer and he still did not have a good answer to clear what he said. My mother seemed impartial. For a moment she had asked if the food was not pleasing us. We answer yes. After lunch I helped her clean up the kitchen. Ben stayed in the living room, watching a movie.

  The sounds of gunfire from the TV were heard in the kitchen. Ben turned the TV up to a minimum annoying. He wanted to get attention. It was obvious. But he was not just getting my attention by acting this way, but my mother's as well. She left us alone, going to rest in the room. I took the control from Ben's hand and turned the volume down.

  “Who's really pouting?” I asked a completely sulky Ben.

  “You still haven’t forgiven me for something I had to say because I was under pressure.”

  “It’s not easy for a girl to hear her boyfriend saying that.”

  “Elle, you are sixteen years old. You have a lot to live for. I’m sure that marriage is not first on your to-do list.”

  “No. But is part of the life.”

  “Let’s give it time. We don’t know what we’ll be doing in a few years. I like being with you now, and that’s what matters. It wasn’t for a simple dating proposal to have taken on such proportions.”

  “My mother was just testing you.”

  “No, she was just trying to prove to you that what she thinks about me is true.”

  “Also,” I smiled, trying to soften the situation.

  “Please, don't hate me for this.”

  “I’ll never hate you. Even though you’re screwing up a few times,” I pulled the wheelchair away and sat next to Ben on the couch. He opened his arms to me, and I snuggled close to him.

  “I love you, stupid thing,” Ben said.

  “I love you too, asshole,” I stroked his cheek and kissed him.

  I finished watching the movie with him, although I did not like action movies very much. When it was over, I was finally able to ask:

  “What's this about living alone?”

  “This is part of my project for next year.”

  “But you can't live alone.”

  “Will you live with me then?” Ben made the invitation.

  “Ben, really. How will you live alone?”

  “Adapted apartment. My mother will give in to Laura to help me. I can't live with such protection anymore. This is suffocating.”

  “Will you continue with the treatments?”

  “I don’t have a choice. It's part of the deal I made with my mother. Although I don’t see any results.”

  “Because you don’t want. You don't believe you can walk again.”

  “It's easy to say when you see the situation from the outside. You have to sit in a fucking wheelchair to understand.�
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  “I thought you weren't muttering anymore.”

  “It's the first time in a month,” Ben smiled. “I don't like to talk about it, Elle. It makes me relive some bad memories. Like the first time my big toe moved after the accident…”

  “This is a good sign,” I interrupted him.

  “That was the first year of the accident. Not a good sign, because nothing more happened after that. This is too depressing. I even dreamed that day. Jeez! I dreamed that I was playing soccer. I had woken up all excited. But sometime later I wished it had been one of those dreams we don't remember later.”

  “Ben, don't lose hope.”

  “I'll try,” he gave a half smile and reached into the pocket of his polo shirt. He took his hand away and held a cord between his fingers. I looked at the object and saw the letters B and E. “I was waiting for you to lower your guard to give it to you,” I shook my head negatively.

  “I have nothing for you.”

  “I want nothing, Elle. You already do a lot of taking my craziness. I bought it with Bernardo. He envied me and gave Carla the same gift, what sets him apart is just the pendant. Now tell me you liked it,” I took the cord and placed it in the palm of my hand.

  “It's beautiful, Ben. I loved. Thanks.”

  “Let me put it on you,” I kept my back to him, threw my hair forward as he put the necklace around my neck. As soon as he finished putting it, he sniffed my neck. “Did you know that I love your perfume?”

  “Not really. I will use this more often.”

  Mom did not stay with us that day. I thought she would not go out of our reach, but she completely did the other way around. She got a call and left soon after. I knew the name of that call. Ben left after six. I missed him already, right after he crossed the gate.

  46th Day

  I got ready in slow motion to go to school today. Finally the "big day" had come to present the work. In the meantime, we had already changed music about three times. My English was grotesque when I was nervous. My hands were already sweating cold before I even got to school. I always hated having to do assignments. And everything seemed to get worse due to my excessive shyness, but this time I had Ben to give me some moral support. He was not ashamed of anything, but I was still searching for what caused him shame. I wanted to use it against him, to defend myself from every time he threw my constant redness in my face, only making my present state worse.

  We were already in the last class, and I hoped it was not long before Ben and I performed today. I looked at the hour on my cell phone every minute. I wanted to be aware of every passing minute. Ben put his hand over mine on the table, implying that I should stop drumming my fingers on it. He gave me a serene smile to calm me down, but it was no use. I felt a look burning me, and saw that it was my mother watching us. She made it clear that she did not want us to show affection in the classroom, or anywhere else in the school. Ben took his hand from mine immediately.

  “I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown,” I whispered to Ben.

  “Keep calm. It won't be that bad. I'll sing so loud no one will hear you.”

  “Gabrielle and Benjamin you are next,” I almost saw the room spin as soon as my mother announced our names.

  I waited for Ben to come in front of me as I held the notebook sheet with the lyrics. The reason I took the sheet was not that I had not decorated the lyrics, I had a good memory, but I wanted to hide my face in front of the classroom.

  My mother hit the play, thus echoing the first touches of the music in the room. My heart beat faster each time I got closer to opening my mouth. Ben started while I was still mute, heard a laugh and wanted a secret place to be well hidden. Ben looked at me, urging me to sing, encouraged by him, to open my mouth, and my voice was barely audible. I was doing a great job as a second voice. Maybe mine could be classified as the third voice. The lyrics where it said I could do anything was not having that effect on me. After 3:09 minutes singing Sia's Angel by The Wings, the torture was finally over. I returned to my seat with my head down. Ben looked at me again and said something:

  “Elle, why did you do that? Not even I who was at your side could hear you.”

  “I'm screwed,” I leaned over the table, already expecting for the worst.

  “Elle, I just won't give you a zero because I don't want to get your newsletter dirty at this point. You know what is at stake,” my mom said as we got in the car. “What was that?”

  “Sorry, mom. Locked up. I didn’t make it.”

  “Just open your mouth and sing. Everyone did it.”

  “It wasn’t my intention.”

  I looked out the car window and saw Ben's mother accompanying him. He waved at me. I wanted to get out of the car and drive away with him. I was not in the mood to hear my mother's sermons because I got the first red note since I started school.

  I finished my day studying for the finals. I would finally gain my freedom from school, where most of the students have always mocked me. My freedom was near. A new phase would begin, and I still did not know what profession I would pursue. I had already made all the requirements to enter a college in the United States, but had not yet received any response. My mother saved for years, looking forward to that day. So she decided to override her pride and give me top marks for my ridiculous presentation. Spotting my report card with a low grade was not a good thing to do right now.

  Already on the 52nd Day

  My mother cleared my evening out with Benjamin to celebrate high school graduation. We went to a pizza place in the neighborhood with Carla and Bernardo.

  Ben felt completely unhappy that he could not have invited Fernando. Carla did not want to, and Bernardo seemed to be annoyed every time we said the boy's name. But it was all Ben's fault, that with each comment made by him gave a way to put Fernando's name in the conversation.

  “Why are you doing this?” I asked when I was able to get Ben out of the pizzeria.

  “This what?”

  “Fernando. You've spoken his name a thousand times today.”

  “You are exaggerating. I'm sure it wasn't over a hundred.”

  “Really. I thought you liked your cousin.”

  “I like him. He is the little brother I never had,” Ben laughed out of the blue, and as always catching the attention of everyone around him. I was seriously considering not going to any public places with him anymore. I regretted having these thoughts a few days later. “Bernardo is a nice guy. I admit it. But Fernando is doing better than I expected. Bernardo and I played together when we were kids, but we weren't that close. This was more so when my aunt went home, or vice versa. It also happened that she wanted to make Bernardo invite me out after the accident. Ben, there's a party today. Jeez! He repeated it so much that I warned him that the next time he showed up at home and said it again, I would find a way for him to be without his teeth.”

  “And would you really do that?”

  “Of course not. I would not cause this disgust to my aunt.”

  “What a more plausible reason. I thought you would not do this because you’re a person who is against physical violence.”

  “I'm kidding, Miss Serious.”

  “So stop kidding, and tell me you'll stop saying Fernando's name in front of Carla and Bernardo.”

  “If that's going to let you in a good mood, I promise. But you have to admit that you hesitated not to invite Fernando. This isn’t a couple date; it’s a celebration. I think Fernando also had the right to be here.”

  “I know we made a mistake. But I had to think about Carla first. I'm feeling guilty for not inviting him.”

  “Great! You won’t need to torture yourself anymore. Hi Fernando!” Ben raised his hand and waved.

  “Ben, didn't you do that?” I glanced back and saw Fernando approaching. He was close enough that I could scold Ben. He set me up behind my back. I felt like an idiot. I gave Fernando a yellow smile, thinking how embarrassing that would be.

  “I'll kill you. I whispered to Ben.”
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  “I make you surrender to me for love again in two seconds.”

  “In those two seconds you are already dead.”

  “The bus was late,” Fernando said, diverting my attention from Ben.

  “You missed nothing important,” Ben said, smiling.

  “We'd better go. Carla and Bernardo must be waiting for us,” I said Bernardo's name with emphasis, just to confirm my suspicions that Ben had not told Fernando he would come. I am sure if he had, Fernando would not have come.

  “He is there?” Fernando said in a low, slightly disconcerting tone. “Ben said it would be just us and Carla.”

  “Fernando, I can't believe you still believe everything Ben says.”

  “Wow! Does my girlfriend think of me like that? She’s done with me now,” Ben said, putting his hand to his heart as if he was really in pain and then a smile disappointed his in lips.

  “Ben, you're a terrible friend,” Fernando was still calm as he said the words.

  “My intention wasn’t to cause all this embarrassment. I just really wanted you to celebrate with us. Sorry if I thought we’re already friends so we could celebrate something together,” now it looked like Ben was really offended.

  “Ben be quiet. And you, Fernando, can't leave. You already left your neighborhood to come to ours. It's not fair that you leave. Carla won't mind having you with us.”

  “And Bernardo?”

  “I'm sure he won't mind, either. He doesn't know you, and has never heard of you. He won't mind having one more at the table,” I said.

  “Elle learning to lie,” Ben muttered.

  “What part did you not understand to be quiet?”

  “The part of you that don't rule me.”

  “Ben, please,” Ben snorted and fell silent. “Fernando, I need to know the truth. Do you like Carla? Like, do you love her?” I asked, urgently needing an answer just as I needed air to breathe.

  “No.”

  “What?” I was amazed at Fernando's direct response. My eyes went to Ben, asking for an extra force to continue the matter.

  “They like to call me an asshole,” Ben said referring to me and Carla. “But you’re one. Plus dumb, stupid, slow, stupid, and stupid again,” that was not quite the little force I wanted from him.