The days by his side

by M. C. S

  “Just because your feelings for Elle turned into love, that doesn't mean mine for Carla has to change, too.”

  “But you looked all annoyed when you saw Carla and Bernardo in front of the school that day,’ Fernando blushed at Benjamin's attempt to persuade him.

  “I already explained my reasons,” Fernando answered.

  “Bla bla bla bla,” said Benjamin.

  “Is it serious, Elle, do you like him?” Fernando asked, pointing to Ben.

  “One day he grows up and stops acting like that,” I answered.”

  “Do you still have hope? He’s almost twenty already.”

  “Almost twenty? It’s almost a year until I'm twenty. You’re taking the day to offend me today. I'm not liking this.”

  “We're just kidding. We like you that way,” I stroke Ben’s face, who held my hand placing a kiss on it. Fernando faked a cough.

  “I'm already feeling left, don’t make my condition even worse. No drama please.”

  Ben managed to convince Fernando to come with us. Head down, he was visibly red, shoved his hands in his pocket, trying to hide his nervousness. I imagined myself instead, and knew how painful that must be for him. I had to have a serious talk with Benjamin later.

  Carla had the same reaction as Fernando. I saw panic forming on her face as soon as she saw him. Her rosy cheeks gained even more color. She looked away at the table, embarrassed. Bernardo noticed our presence and his eyes were drawn to us. He looked at Fernando a little puzzled, then at Ben and smiled. I was sure his desire was to kill his cousin right now. He knew Benjamin well enough to realize that the skinny boy next to us was Fernando.

  “You took too long,” Bernardo said in a polite tone, but I knew that as soon as he had a chance with Ben alone, he would skin him. I do not take his reason. I would be bothered if someone I really liked brought Jessica to eat pizza with me and Ben.

  “We were waiting for FERNANDO,” Ben said Fernando's name in a particularly unique way, as if he really meant: Look Bernardo, this is Fernando, the one you're thinking, the one I've announced the name thousands of times here at this table.

  “Hi Fernando! How are you?” Carla asked, bewildered. He nodded.

  “Hello! I'm Bernardo. Surely Benjamin must have already spoken of me to you,” Bernardo introduced himself, extending his hand to Fernando, who shook his hand, like the polite boy I always knew he was. Fernando gave a shy smile, leaving his dental braces on display.

  The waiter arrived with our pizza. We settle into our seats. I sat next to Carla, preventing Fernando from doing so, over Ben's eyes daring him to do so.

  I was not surprised when Bernardo said he would pursue a career in psychology. He inherited from his mother the interest in knowing people’s minds. He asked Fernando to answer his destiny in college.

  “I still depend on the result of Enem,” he answered between a sip in the soda.

  “Depending on what you choose, your job is already guaranteed. I will strive to convince my father to hire you.”

  “I’ll come after you!” Fernando replied to Ben.

  “And you, dear Carla?” asked Ben.

  “I'm still thinking. I made no decision, Ben, honey.”

  “I think we can still be friends. It doesn't mean that just because the class is over we need to get away. Carla and Fernando, you can go home anytime you want. We can already settle,” Ben invited them both.

  “It’ll be a pleasure to come to your house with my girlfriend,” Bernardo replied.

  “I don't remember inviting you,” Ben returned.

  “Good thing I don't need your invitation,” Bernardo did not let be intimidated.

  “Yeah, you really have a free pass, but don't get me wrong. You aren’t part of the school friendship cycle. Program between alumni. Got it?” Ben went on with the speech.

  “I got it. I still wonder why Auntie didn't give you up for adoption when you gave the first signs that you weren't a very normal guy?” Ben laughed.

  “I had to be here today to remind you who is the family’s favorite.”

  “Are you sure you're the oldest on this table?” Carla fired. They both smiled together, not caring what she had said.

  “I think idiocy comes from family,” Fernando muttered.

  “Can you repeat that to make sure I heard it right?” Bernardo asked, still demonstrating his usual tranquility.

  “This way I can't defend you, man. Making fun of me like that in front of everyone, come on!” said Ben, disappointed with Fernando.

  “And who said I'm kidding?” Carla and I looked at each other. Since when did Fernando speak like this? Would it be jealous? But jealous after he declared outside that he did not feel love for Carla?

  “We'd better stop here,” I said, while cutting a piece of pizza. “Bernardo, I'm sure Fernando isn’t serious. And Ben, stop teasing,” I pointed the knife I held at him.

  “I'll only obey because you have a knife in your hand.”

  We finished the pizza and walked home. Carla left with Bernardo. Fernando refused the boy's ride. Ben and I kept him company at the bus stop.

  “Sorry to insinuate that you're an idiot,” Fernando said a little shyly.

  “Insinuate? You pretty much stated it. But I won't be mad at you for that. I deserved it.”

  They both gave a friendly handshake. We stayed there for about ten minutes, waiting for the bus. We said goodbye to Fernando as soon as his bus arrived and headed towards our homes. Ben walked me to mine.

  “Ben, I don't like certain things you do,” I said, climbing on the sidewalk of my house.

  “Elle, please, I already have a mother,” he braked the chair and gripped my fist, then pulled me into his lap.

  “Really. I don't want to be forcing things between Fernando and Carla.”

  “I did nothing.”

  “You knew Carla wouldn't be comfortable with Bernardo and Fernando in the same place. Fernando, you saw how embarrassed he was. It looked like he was going to be sick when Bernardo kissed Carla's cheek. You didn't think about your friend's feelings, or your cousin's feelings…” Ben put his hand over my mouth, making me stop talking.

  “Already understood,” I bit his hand, making him scream. “Crap, Elle! Why did you do that?”

  “Because you deserved it.”

  “When I bite you, you have no right to complain. What sharp teeth of the f...”

  “Let it go, Ben.”

  “Listen, I know what I did was wrong. When I saw, I had already done. I didn't know it could be that bad,” Ben rubbed his hand in an attempt to ease the pain.

  “From now on, you know.”

  “I won’t do it anymore, Mom.”

  “That’s my big baby.”

  “I told you I’d get you to surrender to love again for me in two seconds.”

  “Seriously? It seemed to me more than two seconds. I guess it didn’t count.”

  “So let's start over,” Ben cupped my face, bringing his mouth close to mine. I closed my eyes, eager for a kiss from him. “See, one, two...”

  Already on 59th Day

  E verything was perfect that morning. Benjamin took advantage of my mother's absence to come home. My quota of visits to his house had already ended that week, so we had to meet each other hidden.

  Helping him move from chair to couch was becoming easier due to the repetitive times I did this. I thought I had even gained a little more strength. I also used this strength to dodge all of Benjamin's inappropriate advances.

  I left him on the couch and sat on the floor, pissed. I wanted to get away from him for a while, until he behaved like the respectful Ben that he often forgot to be. He knew very well how to dodge the subject, pretending that nothing had happened, but I could still feel his insane hands over my body. Sometimes he broke the rules of crossing my boundaries.

  “Christmas is coming, will you spend here or at home?” Ben asked, before I could give him a scolding. I looked at him with my face still on fire. He rolled a lock of my
hair between his fingers and gave me a smile, demonstrating normality.

  “I don't know yet, Benjamin,” he did not scold me for not using his nickname. I knew that I would refer to him Benjamin every time he broke my rules. “I can't leave my mother alone at Christmas.”

  “You can invite her.”

  “She wouldn’t accept. And there is also Carlos. I think he’ll spend Christmas with us. But you could share the attention of your family with me.”

  “I will make an effort. Now can you sit next to me? I’ll no longer advance the sign... For today.”

  “Ben, why you do that?”

  “Depends on what you’re talking about.”

  “You don’t take anything seriously. Every time I get too close, you do shit. And I’ve told you to respect my limits.”

  “And I already told you that I’ll try. But it isn’t always that I will succeed. Now it’s serious, I need you close to me,” I rose, still reluctant, sat beside him. Ben held my hands and looked at me in a strange way, I felt a knot in the throat when his eyes captured me with so much intensity. “I love you, Elle.”

  “I know.”

  “Just that sometimes I have the sensation that you don’t believe.”

  “Would you believe it if two months ago someone told you that today we’d be together in this room?” Ben shook his head. “Me neither. So that justifies much of what I feel. I know what I feel, but I can't get into your heart to know what you really feel.”

  “What I feel I demonstrate with my actions. Observe and take your own conclusions.”

  Mom arrived with a smile on her face. Usually she did not come home that way. She looked at me, and I was surprised when I saw tears in her eyes. Her nose was red. Was she crying? The only time I remember seeing her crying was when my grandmother passed away.

  “Mom, what happened?” I took a few steps, approaching her, a little worried. She gave me a lonely hug, holding my arms. Mom was hugging me? “Mom, I'm starting to worry about you already.”

  “Elle, you’ve been accepted into two colleges in the United States!” she let me go right away.

  “That can't be true,” I looked into her eyes incredulously.

  “How not?” she wiped the tears from her eyes. “You struggled to make it,” feeling my legs weak, I sat on the couch, still not believing what I had just heard. One of my biggest dreams was about to come true. I had visited the United States twice, but the desire to spend more than a week there was indescribable. I fell in love with that country in an unimaginable way. It was my expensive private dream. And now I was very close to touch it.

  With my brain still working in slow mode I called Carla, inviting her to come home. I did the same with Fernando and Ben. I wanted to have them all here. I wanted to share that happiness with them. Sharing was the least I could do right now.

  Although it was short notice, Mother managed to provide some snacks. We put them on the table along with the soda. I was anxious and at the same time happy. I longed for the night to come soon.

  Teacher Carlos showed up as soon as my mother called. I could see how happy he was that I had done it. He came in with a bottle of wine in his hand, but had a hard time convincing my mother to serve the drink during the celebration. Fernando and I were forbidden to share the drink. We were still minors. She also did not think it was a good idea to give Ben a drink, and I shared that same thought with my mother. So Carlos agreed.

  Carla was the first to arrive, then Fernando. Ben was a little late. What made me wonder if he would actually show up.

  “What are we really doing here?” Carla asked.

  “Soon you’ll know,” we were at the gate of the house, waiting for Ben.

  “By chance your mother and teacher Carlos will be engaged?” she asked, laughing at the question itself.

  “Far from it,” we saw Ben coming out of his house. I went to meet him. I gave him a quick kiss and we went to my house.

  “What’s going on, Elle? What’s all the fuss about?” he asked.

  “Soon you will know.”

  Carlos was ready to help Ben enter the house. We gathered in the living room. Carlos and my mother sat together on a sofa. Fernando preferred to stand next to Ben’s chair. Carla was close to me on the other sofa. I hated to speak, but I knew I was among family, friends and Ben. I would do my best not to stutter.

  “Well, today I got news I’ve been waiting for a long time. I didn’t even know I was gonna make it, since I’d been away from my extracurricular activities for three months. But today my mother came into this house with this wonderful news, and there are no more important people in my life that I can share it with. I love each of you in a unique way. Carla, you know the meaning you have in my life. You are my little sister that I love,” she hugged me and kissed the top of my head. “Carlos and Fernando, you have arrived for now, but you have won my heart. Mom, thank you for believing in me. I love you.”

  “Despite all the faults,” Ben whispered, and I saw when Fernando punched him in the arm. I’m sure my mother listened, but made sure to ignore. The night was special, she knew she could not destroy it because for Ben being Ben.

  “Ben, we'll talk later,” I didn't want to tell him again how much I loved him in front of everyone.

  “It will be a pleasure talking to you alone,” I blushed and heard a crack. Fernando hit him again. I heard my mother snort, but I did not allow myself to look at any of them at that moment, I knew that if I looked, I would cry, but how I wished I would look at Ben's face.

  “I hope my happiness is yours. I was accepted into two colleges in the United States!” I saw amazement and happiness in Carla's face, she knew of my dream, congratulations, which was said by Fernando, but a voice boomed more than everyone in the room.

  “Wait!” Ben shouted, making everyone stop talking. “If you have been accepted into two colleges in the United States, does that mean you will have to live in the United States?” Ben looked frustrated. His eyes were sparkling. His sarcastic smile faded. Everyone's silence was making it foggy.

  “Elle, hadn't you warned him?” Carla asked, and I denied it. “Have you no heart?”

  “I didn’t think about it,” I told Benjamin.

  “Ah, no, Elle? Really? I thought you were smarter.”

  “Ben, don’t talk like that,” I said with an almost crying voice.

  “I think we'd better leave them both alone,” Carlos suggested.

  “No need!” Ben roared. “Why didn't you stick a knife in my heart? It’d have been less painful. Thanks for letting me out of your plans,” I left him. For sure I left. Ben was right. I didn't think of him, just me. The first tear scrolled, the second. Soon my sobs broke out in my chest, invading the room. Carla hugged me, and Ben kept talking. “Now I'm feeling more worthless than I was. Thank you, you are no different from her,” I knew he meant Jessica. What hurt the most was knowing that he was right. Benjamin did not fit in my plans. I was abandoning him.

  Ben spun the wheelchair and slammed it twice into the living room bookcase, which swung on impact. His hands were shaking. He could not guide the chair. Fernando went to try to help him.

  “I don’t want your help!”

  “You'll get hurt,” when Ben finally got out of the room, Fernando followed him.

  “Thanks, Elle!” he screamed. His voice was crying.

  T he night seemed eternal. It took me a long time to fall asleep while remembering that my fate was sealed. Carla slept in my house. I did not have the strength to go to Ben’s house. I knew how much I had hit him, hurt him treacherously and cowardly. I sent him several messages, and only after the 33rd he answered me with one go to hell. I called after that, but his cell phone went to voicemail. I could not wait for something else; I should have opened up more to him.

  How did I not think of the drastic changes that this would cause in my life? One of those changes would be Benjamin, but I did not want to lose him. Everything was great between us, I was living a dream and just ruined it.
r />   As soon as the sunlight penetrated the cracks in my bedroom window, I woke up. I felt the nightstand looking for my glasses. I was determined to go to Ben’s house in an attempt to go talk to him. Ben would have to listen to me. He knows that I love him, and that I would never do anything to hurt him. I was dazzled, I did not think of the consequences that my sudden change of country would bring. I am not going anywhere in the world if I have to leave him.

  That was the first day after our disagreement that I had played the intercom at Ben’s house, that was also the first day he did not answer. Laura had said that he was not at home. I knew it was a lie. I watched his house all morning. I do not believe he left the moment I went to the bathroom. The next time I went to the bathroom, it was Ben’s mother. She had drastically changed the tone she spoke to me every time I pressed the intercom.

  “Thank you for ending my son’s life,” she told me once. I was rescued by Carla on the sidewalk weeping. She was at my house every day after it happened. Carla brought me to reality every time I lost control.

  As the days dragged on, Christmas arrived. Soon after, New Year’s Eve. A New Year. A new direction in my life. A start I did not want without Benjamin. I was a wreck. I desperately wanted to see him. I wanted to know what was going on in his head. I missed him.

  My mother had already started the process of changing tourist visa to students’. She was already fixing everything. College classes in the United States would begin in June. That meant I had a few more months to go. But a few months for me to try a reconciliation.

  “Elle, get in now!” my mother said, pointing to home. “I can’t stand to see you like this anymore. Stop humiliating yourself. If Benjamin really wanted to talk to you, he’d have already come to you. Or he’d have welcomed you into his home.”

  “Mom, please let me stay,” I begged still on the sidewalk. “There’re good colleges here too.”

  “How many people do you think would like to be in your place? Elle, come in, please!”