The days by his side

by M. C. S

  Reluctantly, I walked inside. I glanced at Ben's house; afraid I would lose him in seconds.

  “How many couples who dated in adolescence do you think stayed together in adulthood? Tell me, Elle, how many do you think will be together in ten years?” I did not answer. I did not want to answer, I knew that what she said was plausible. It was a reality. “Don't think Ben will be the only guy you'll love in your life. Dating break up is difficult at first...”

  “We're not done yet,” I interrupted her.

  “He doesn't even want to talk to you. Why do you have to keep beating yourself up?”

  “Because you’re making things difficult. I can go to college here. My performance will be the same anywhere.”

  “In a few years, you'll thank me. When you forget Ben, you'll realize it’ll be worth it. Remember what he said here at home about marriage. It’ll give you strength,” she knew how to persuade me. She bit me with his poison and left it acting. She went into the bedroom and left me alone.

  With both hands on my belly and my eyes fixed on the white ceiling, my thoughts were all turned to Benjamin as the music played on the cell phone. I would just shatter my heart into every heartbreaking lyrics I heard. My mother’s words echoed in my head along with the music I was hearing at the time: So one hand is holding your smile, the other is waving goodbye. I love you, but it's your turn to cry. I feel my heart breaking as I leave.

  60th Day

  It was Saturday in January when from afar I saw Ben's garage door open. It was his mother's car. She was leaving. I had to get there before the gate closed. It was the only way I had to talk to Ben.

  But I was never good at running. I got tired easily in gym class. But the distance between my home and Ben was short. So I had to take a chance.

  I took the first step. I took off my glasses and ran as fast as I could. The car was already on the sidewalk. I went through a tiny space. Mrs. Ana braked as soon as she saw me. I gasped and I stopped to rest. I cleaned the sweat of the forehead and looked at her as she lowered the glass of the car. I looked at home, nothing would stop me from entering. Neither did Mrs. Ana, who got out of the car and was on my trail.

  “He doesn't want to talk to you,” I did not answer. I knew the way well, did not need her to guide me.

  I looked at Ben's bedroom door. The sign was there again. He had taken it when I asked, but he put it back. I knew he was not well. I put my hand on the doorknob and turned it. Mrs. Ana was still following me. I burst into the room; Ben spun his chair as soon as he could finally hear his mother's hysterical screams. I turned the key in the lock and locked the door.

  “Elle, I'll call the police!” Mrs. Ana said, as soon as she realized what I had done.

  “Don't answer for Ben. They need to talk,” I heard Mrs. Laura's voice. Then there was silence.

  Ben was serious. It seemed like years had been added in days. The old dark circles were there again. He had lost weight too.

  I took a step forward. I wanted to touch him. It had been a while since I felt her skin next to mine. I missed how we talked so close to each other. I put on my glasses to make sure that the state I saw him now was not due to my bad eyesight.

  I was already very close to him when he shouted:

  “Don’t touch me!”

  “Ben, don't talk like that. You couldn't have left my house like that. You devastated me.”

  “I say the same. Only the wound is much bigger. I will be left behind.”

  “I never said I'd leave you.”

  “Elle, please don’t doubt of my intelligence. You go away, don't make things harder. You didn't have to be here today. I’ve already started my Oblivion Project.”

  “Oblivion Project?” I asked. “Does your Oblivion Project include ignoring me as if I had never existed in your life?”

  “Exactly. But I can't do this with you standing in front of me. Can you leave?” he pointed to the door.

  “No. You can't delete me like that. I love you,” I approached him. I touched his face, but Ben wasn't in the mood for kindness. He gripped my fist, removing my hand from his face. I stood with my arms erect, promised myself that I would not touch him anymore.

  “But you don't love me enough to stay,” he fired.

  “You know my mother wouldn't allow it. I'm not eighteen yet, you know I have to obey her. She’s responsible for me.”

  “If it were me, I'd figure it out not getting on the plane every time the trip was booked.”

  “Until you're eighteen, Ben?” I mocked.

  “Yes. And do not doubt it. Because I would,” I was silent, from what I knew of him, I knew he would. “You didn’t do anything. Just called me, inviting me to your house and rubbed in my face that would go away, in front of everyone, and come to say you love me.”

  “I didn't think about the consequences that would bring. I didn't think it would cause our end. Because you know it doesn't have to end.”

  “Internet, long distance dating! Don't come with this little chat. I don’t want to listen. Do you have any idea what damage you have done in my life? Why don't you stop tripping me? Damned! Don't you see that I'm suffering?” so Ben was really suffering? Was he trying to torture me by saying that out loud?

  “Don't think our withdrawal didn't hurt me either. We share the same pain, but you and I both know it doesn't have to be like that.”

  “I don't want half of you. Not after you broke into my life and stole my heart. Not when you invaded my thoughts like an outsider. You cannot do it with me. You are killing me.”

  “Aren't you going to make things easier?”

  “Not when my heart is in danger. I can't stand you leaving,” Ben lowered his head and put a hand to his cheek, wiping away a tear. Some fell to his legs, staining his jeans. I did not like seeing him like that, but I knew that the only thing I could do to stop them from falling was out of my reach. I did not obey the fact that he wanted me to be as far away from him as possible. I approached again and sat on his lap. He did not send me out again. I hugged him and placed a kiss on his cheek.

  “Please don't cry. We can fix it. But you know that I have to obey my mother.”

  “Do you have any idea how my life will be without you? How will I fill my days if in recent months I just had you?” when Ben finally looked me in the eye, I had noticed the wound I had caused him. I broke into his life; I had no right to go out like this. I was feeling Jessica herself, the only difference between us was that she had the choice to stay.

  “It won’t be easy for me either. We don’t need to finish. I will go, but I will come back.”

  “In 1460 or 2555 days, Elle, depending on the college you’re going to,” he had already calculated the days. I wanted to know what else he thought in those days that we drifted apart. Really, it was a long time for our love to remain strong. Distance would make things harder.

  “You can come see me.”

  “I won’t go to the place that will take me from you,” this time it was Ben who embraced me. Such a strong hug, it said more than words. I put my chin on his shoulder, I would not let go, just when he thought it was time to let go. “I love you. I won’t survive without you.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be very happy. You won’t have me around anymore to fight with you when you do something wrong.... I’m sorry,” I thought I would hold back the tears, I thought I could be strong, but I fell into tears in Ben’s arms. It was the end. I felt it was the end.

  I have been daydreaming about Ben for the last three years of my life, and I never thought I could achieve that dream. I never thought I could touch it. I never thought I could hear Ben’s voice so close to me. I always heard it from a distance. Everything was from a distance. His smile made my heart beat every time it appeared. The smile was not for me, but even if it was for other people it would change my day.

  I still remember the last day of the year, my first year in high school, a few days before Ben had his accident, I am sure he does not remember.

  The hal
lway was full of students. Ben was mumbling something. I overheard that he had repeated the third year. This was the first time I was happy because something bad had happened to him. That was a way to keep him over my eyes.

  I leaned against my classroom door as I listened to him talk to his friends. I stood there for a few minutes, watching him. I was admiring him. I knew Ben was not the perfect guy, and he never made a point of hiding it from anyone. So I did not mind loving him even though he was imperfect.

  Marcos realized that I looked at Ben shamelessly. He looked at me and laughed. I don’t believe it! I had heard him say. I fixed my glasses and looked in another direction. I chose to stay there. If I did not, I would only be feeding what Marcos had suspected.

  I watched him from the corner of my eye whisper something in Ben’s ear for a long time. But Marcos did nothing about me. I thought more mockery would come. On the contrary. They entered their rooms. But before entering, Ben stopped at the door. He held the door frame and looked in my direction. He smiled. He had smiled at me, and entered the room. I did not smile back. I was not sure if he really smiled at me.

  I looked around, looking for someone he could have smiled at. There were several people there. It could be anyone. This uncertainty always remained in my mind. Ben already gave indications that he was not so imperfect. He could have believed what Marcos whispered in his ear and acted like an idiot and mocked me, but he did not. And I appreciate that he did not do that. He did not make fun of my feelings.

  “Tell me, Elle. Will you stay?” he asked me, wiping a tear that rolled down my cheek.

  “I'm sorry, but the choice is not mine.”

  “Then stop torturing me and leave.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “I'm. Don't look for me, Elle. Don’t break into my house again. Don’t text me. Don’t call me. Delete my number from your address book. I don't want to say goodbye to you, so please don't try. I'll do my best to tear you from my heart, even though I love you insanely, even if you don't believe it I'll still love you. It makes no difference. I can't get it off me so easily. Now let me bleed in peace!”

  Benjamin was irreducible. He was like that when he wanted something. I knew he wanted me, but he did not want me far away. So for him, the end would be right. He would not accept my conditions. He would not listen to me. As much as it was killing me inside, I did as he asked. I got up from his lap. I placed a kiss on his cheek and walked to the door. I looked at him as I closed it. The image of sadness was what I had in my memory. I never saw Benjamin again.

  I flip the pages of my old diary. The leaves are yellowish due to time. I wrote in it the last months I lived in Brazil, from the moment Ben came into my life, added to it many smiles, and in the end... many tears.

  60 Days between these months I narrated every detail that I remember being Benjamin's friend and then girlfriend. It was a way I found not to forget. Keep it not only in my heart, but also between pages so that I could read and reread how much my soul needed. This was the most precious object I had carried with me from Brazil to the United States. Definitely, there was no other.

  I sighed as I remembered him. I close my notebook and watch the college field. Every person present here has a story to tell, some not so pretty. I am sitting on the grass, waiting for the class to start, but it was not just the beginning of the class that I expected. I was there as I always did the next few days, waiting for my crazy Benjamin, sitting in his motorized wheelchair, calling me to go home, but the truth is that it never happened, he never showed up. Day after day I waited. I never got tired, just like the days I dreamed of Benjamin in my teens before I even met him.

  Already in my apartment, I turn off the computer after another day of talking with Carla. Distance has never shaken our friendship, whenever she needs me I am available and vice versa, and that is what comforts me, her support, her patience when I seem to freak out, away from home, away from everything, away from all.

  I stay awake all night, rereading my diary again. I never get tired. The last page I always try to avoid, it always makes me break into tears, so these last few days I chose not to read. I preferred to keep the beautiful and magical moments we lived in the days before this one, I do not need to erase the happiness that was in everything else.

  I wake up again, following my routine. College and now a new job.

  I walk down the sidewalk and stop to watch the scene, which has stolen my attention since I saw them. The young girl with colored hair helping the wheelchair boy to cross the street. I smile alone and catch myself once again remembering him. I watch the couple arrive across the street; they grow smaller as they walk until they finally disappear from my sight.

  I try not to think about it, but it is inevitable, and finally realize that this is what I have to do, let Ben disappear, let him finally leave, because after all, I did not leave, I am still stuck in that year 2016, handcuffed to memories.

  I fix my glasses and decide it is finally time for me to say:

  Goodbye Benjamin...

  Continued in book 2

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