10th Grade

by Joe Weisberg

  “That was just a backrub” he said.

  “Yeah but still I wouldn’t mind having her all over my back.”

  “She’s not my type” Douglas said.

  “What’s your type?”

  “I prefer someone stable. And smarter.”

  “She’s got that boyfriend anyway” I said.

  “That guy is a complete loser and not good enough for her” Douglas said.

  I said “Yeah.” We took some sips then Douglas said “If you thought you had a chance with a girl would you definitely make a move?”

  “Sure.”

  “You would?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’d just lean over and do it?”

  “Kiss them?”

  “Yes.”

  I said “Yeah. It’s just a kiss.”

  “It is not just a kiss it’s the 1st move that decides if you get laid or not.”

  “Yeah” I said.

  “You have to talk 1st to get the ball rolling. To get them in the mood.”

  “I don’t know” I said.

  “Then when you’re talking it just happens.”

  “It’s better not to talk. Women respond to men who just do it” I said.

  “No women like to talk about it. Ask anyone.”

  “Not when you’re about to get laid no way man they just want you to do it.”

  “Talking loosens them up. Girls are uptight about sex.”

  “Well you can’t ask. You can’t just say “Do you want it?” You sound like a Dork. You have to just make a move. With confidence.”

  Douglas said “I don’t think so.”

  “Believe me.”

  “It’s all about pleasing a woman” he said.

  “Yeah” I said.

  “I’ll tell you something women like it hard. Like an animal. And fast when you really go for it. Like you’re a fucking animal.”

  “VTS” I said. “Sometimes really slow though.”

  “True” said Douglas.

  This was the 1st time me and Douglas really talked in depth about this stuff and I remember it. The girls were sitting there when we went back down they did 1 of those things where they got real quiet suddenly like they’d been talking about us or rubbing our backs. This was 1 of the Laws Of Physics that if you walk into a room and nobody’s talking they were talking about you. Then Caroline said she wanted to walk to 7-11 which was about a mile away for of course cigs and Douglas and Kath said they’d go and I said I’d go but Gillian didn’t feel like going and Kath said somebody should stay with her so I stayed. I went back to the couch and she was sitting on the floor with her arms behind her holding her up.

  I like being alone with Gillian and in the basement. It wasn’t a sex thing she had this new short haircut where you really saw more of her eyes and the way they blinked because there wasn’t so much hair all around them and she blinked a lot and now that it was getting cold she wore pants but thin ones so you could still see how her legs were and I almost admit they were kind of sexy themselves but I didn’t want them wrapped around me or anything I just liked being with her because she was easy to be with. But 1 thing I was wondering was if we were going to do more backrubs now that we were alone just the 2 of us and did I want to or not.

  “So Richie’s coming to meet her at 1:30” Gillian said. About Caroline.

  “Is she sneaking out?” I said.

  “I suppose. But I don’t think her Mom cares” Gillian said.

  “Really? Not at all?” I said.

  “Not not at all. She just well she’s a very permissive mother.”

  “Oh.”

  “So what do you believe in Jeremy?” she said.

  “What?”

  “What do you believe in?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well what do you care about what would you give your life for?”

  “The constitution I guess” I said.

  Gillian got mad for some reason at me and she said “You’d die for the constitution?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Jeremy don’t die for the constitution.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Jeremy promise me you won’t die for the constitution.”

  “OK I won’t die for the constitution. What would you die for?”

  She thought for a minute and she put her head down so I couldn’t see her then she looked up again and she said “For my family. For my children and my husband.”

  “I’d die for my wife” I said.

  “That’s the only thing I would die for” she said.

  “Uh-huh” I said.

  “Love” she said.

  “Uh-huh” I said.

  “I think that’s how you know if your life is meaningful. Don’t you? If you have things in your life that are so important you’d die for them like love.”

  “I just want to start having a meaningful Sophomore year” I said.

  We laughed. Gillian is always good for talking about love and meaning and things like that with. Gillian I figure when she’s 90 will still be talking and thinking about important things. Anyway we just sat there for a while. I guess a part of me was like does this chick dig me just because she’s so intense and she was looking at me when she was talking about love and stuff in a very intense way. She’s sort of that way with everybody. But I am a guy. I think Gillian needs somebody very serious and sensible not like Douglas who’s serious but not sensible but more like somebody else we don’t know. Anyway her Mom came home and she respected the privacy of the basement but then we went up and talked to her anyway until Caroline Douglas and Kath came back with Caroline holding her pack of cigarettes in her hand and not even caring that Gillians Mom saw them and Gillians Mom didn’t say anything and talked to her like she wasn’t holding any cigarettes. We went back down to the basement and Caroline stood at the basement door to the outside back yard smoking and blowing her smoke outside and Douglas and Gillian started to have some stupid argument about some war they both agreed the war was stupid but they were mad and arguing about who was right about why it was stupid. Then Kath got tired and we all decided to go. Kath called her Mom who said she’d drop us off and we put our jackets on and so did Gillian even though she wasn’t going anywhere and we stood outside in the street talking and waiting for Kaths Mom and it was dark except for a few lights in peoples houses and lawns and it was pretty chilly so we were all moving around a little and there wasn’t a single star or moon or anything in the sky and it was so quiet except for us kicking around and joking a little and watching Carolines smoke going up and waiting for Kaths Mom.

  CHAPTER 10

  CHRISTMAS VACATION IN GREAT BRITAIN

  Where people in Hutch Falls go on Christmas vacation basically depends on how loaded you are very loaded people go skiing in places like Colorado or The Alps or to islands like The Bahamas where by the way they sometimes bring back big bags of pot which they basically give away there and they also smoke joints that are 2 feet long. I have more to say about this later regarding a story with me Caroline and some pot she got from her scum-bag boyfriend Richie. Anyway the less-loaded people sometimes go somewhere or just stay around and goof off and the not loaded at all people get Christmas jobs at The Mall which is always busy for the Christmas rush. As for how loaded I am I’d say medium but I’m not positive because my Dad doesn’t talk about money except for saying not to spend it or saying how much he saved by buying the old broken refurbished piece of junk 1 of something that he claims is better anyway and we go on vacations but usually only to places like New Orleans or Santa Fe or San Francisco because that’s what my Dad likes to do and would do even if he had all the rice in China. As for skiing my Dad thinks it’s stupid and people who do it are stupid. 1 because you break your legs and 2 because it’s a lot of money to spend just to break your legs. My Mom doesn’t like to travel because she just doesn’t but she always said “if we’re going to go why don’t we go to Europe or somewhere interesting” and finally my Dad sa
id OK we’re going to England. Then of course he went and read every book article and magazine ever written about England and he made a lot of phone calls and did research to find the cheapest hotels and he was happy when he found 1 $2 cheaper than the last 1 he found and he updated us every night at dinner about the prices and what he was learning about English history and cars and morals and everything else. Normally this was very boring and my Mom was in the kitchen for most of it but once in a while something started out boring but then suddenly got pretty good like his story about the Bentley factory in Crew England and the big strike there in the 1950s that led to rioting and unrest and ended up with every worker getting a free Bentley so these workers would come to work and then drive around London in these super expensive cars which surprised the hell out of the really rich people who had paid all that money for the same cars until the company ended up paying the workers almost double to get them to give the Bentleys back and not drive them around except there was 1 guy who would not give his up and drove up and down and up and down in front of the king and queens palace in his every weekend until the king finally noticed him and asked him to go away and he did.

  Anyway we went to England for Christmas vacation. The 747 had an upstairs which was pretty cool. My favorite joke that I kept making was “I’m going upstairs.” As for english people and England it’s like The Land Of James Bond. Everything just feels different there because it’s a foreign country. And that includes you. You’re like “May I please have a scone madam” and “Why pray tell is my scone not being served immediately with my afternoon tea sir?” It’s like you’re someone else and like everyones weird but OK. Maybe babies see the world this way. The bathrooms are cold too.

  My Dad of course found the cheapest hotel in Europe in 1 of his “Cheapest Weirdest and Grossest Places In The World” guidebooks but score 1 for Dad because this place was cool. It used to be the Iranian Embassy and then the Iranians or somebody I guess made it into a hotel but when it was the embassy it was very old style and fancy with big stairs and crystal chandeliers hanging over you and it was all still there. The only thing gone was the Iranians. Even my Mom liked it.

  Anyway we go to all the museums where I’m bored and so’s my Mom and so’s Beth but Claire and my Dad are in Museum Heaven. Claire can look at a painting forever my Dad can look at the little plaque about who painted it and where and when and who gave it to the museum forever because it’s like reading. Me and Mom and Beth finally have a revolt and declare we’re not going with them to the National Museum Of Boring Paintings that day and we go off but then they go to go shop so I wander around England alone for a while and it’s kind of cool and as I’m walking around and the Double Decker Buses are going by I was thinking some about Gillian and Caroline and Douglas and Kath. Looking back on the night with the backrubs I felt like we were all really getting to know each other. I mean they all knew each other before but I was glad I was getting to know them and really know them like who they really were and what they were like. Gillian was a really sensitive and sweet person who maybe wasn’t as secure as she 1st seemed when you saw her standing there kind of the leader of the group and willing to talk to anybody and everything. She didn’t tell me this but I think she’s sad not totally but in a certain way like life is just sad sometimes. If you look at Gillian and how she’s been effected by her parents divorce I don’t really know. Douglas of course was sort of my main man now and even though he wasn’t the “Hey Yo What’s Up” type you could still tell he wanted to be friends he was a little wimpy and I thought sometimes just for no reason that maybe he resented me for being on the soccer team and wished he could be even though he acted like all that stuff was no big deal or even sucked. But maybe it’s just hard to look a little funny or more nerdy and be serious and smart which everyone doesn’t even know. Caroline was just Caroline. Lost in her screwed up world that I didn’t understand but that was just where she was and Kath because her stomach hurt 49 out of every 50 minutes I still didn’t know too much except for she had stomach problems. I felt bad I’d been mad about getting Gillian and Kath for the backrubs when Douglas got Caroline and giving backrubs to Gillian or Kath was good practice anyway so I’d be good at it when I needed to rub say Renees back and I thought about doing that and her saying “Ooooooh Jeremy!” Ever since I got to England I’d been missing Renee a lot like she was a whole country away. I’d forget about her for a while but then I’d remember her if we were on the underground or eating or in the hotel. I’d think about her and not always mentally but sometimes just picturing her face and thinking about her without really thinking anything.

  Anyway there are 2 big hi-lights of the trip. 1 was when we went to the Changing Of The Guard at Buckingham Palace which is where the King and Queen live but I don’t think they’re ever really there. The Changing Of The Guard is a very fancy ceremony and you’d better not talk or burp or make any noise at all. 1st there are all these guards standing there in seriously the stupidest hats you ever saw the hats are made out of black fuzz and they’re about 3 feet high. They’re like Cat In The Hat hats. I don’t know why anyone would ever wear something like that. These guys are supposed to be soldiers too but I’m sure if you wore a hat like that in a war the enemy would pretty much just laugh themselves to death. Maybe that’s the point.

  Anyway there’s a big “DONGGGGG” and it starts. (By the way they do all this every 2 hours which when you hear what it is is amazing just because of what a big pain in the ass the whole thing is but the thing is they have to do it that often because all the tourists want to see it but also because 1 of the things about these guys is they’re not allowed to move. At all. So you always see kids and sometimes grown-ups going up to them and making faces and seeing if they’ll make a face back or something which they never do and supposedly they’ll never move at all not even an inch so you can make faces or yell or swear or tickle the fuzz on their hat or even I suppose piss on them and they still won’t move but if you did actually piss on them if it were me I personally would say Fuck The Rules and who needs this stupid job and go ahead and beat the crap out of you. Anyway because of standing so still which I think is harder than you think they have to change the guard every couple hours when the thing goes “DONG”. Then around from behind the palace come all these horses with all new guards in red uniforms and giant hats on. The horses all line up in 3 big rows and the guards on them scream all kinds of commands you can’t understand at all but obviously mean things like “Horse turn to the right” or “Horse turn to the left” and 1 where the horses don’t do anything so either the horses all screwed up or it meant “Horses don’t do anything.” Then the guards who’ve been standing guard march over to the horses and their faces and heads are still still and only their legs are moving like robots or Nazis and then the other guys get off the horses and they get on and the other guys go to their posts and then everyone stands very still which is the most solemn part of the ceremony and that’s when it happens. 1 of the horses starts to piss. Right in the front row and it’s so quiet because of the ceremony going on you can hear the piss hitting the ground and it sounds like “Psssscchhh”. And it goes on. And on. And on. At 1st I’m like “Uh-oh” but then I start giggling a little and I don’t look but I can tell Beth and Claire next to me are laughing too and the piss’s still going on and not losing any power at all. It won’t be long before it’s in the Guinness Book Of World Records for Longest Piss Ever. And I swear the guards are just standing there like nothing’s even happening. And then I look at my Dad and he looks at me at the same second and raises his eyebrows like “these British people aren’t as fancy as they think they are.” Then we both laugh a little trying not to be loud. This is an example of me and my Dad thinking the same thing is funny. An example of us not thinking the same thing is funny which is usually is Enderby. Enderby is the book with the krepitating I told you about a long time ago. Even Mr. Rasfenjohn even though he’s heard of this book never read it it’s the kind of book my Dad reads
. Not now but later I checked it out to see what he thought was so funny and here it is:

  PFFFRRRUMMMP.

  And a very happy New Year to you too Mr. Enderby!…

  Perrrrp.

  A posterior riposte from Mr. Enderby …

  Querpkprrmp.

  You see?… But what has prettiness to do with greatness, eh?… The extremities. The feet that trod Parnassus … Fish and Heroes, his early poems.… Merciful heavens, the weakness of the great … hand that photograph back to me this instant … What, Charles, are they doing? The man and woman in the picture? They are minding their own business, that’s what they’re doing.

  Bopperlop.

  Rest, rest, perturbed spirit.… Love, love, love. That’s all that some of you girls can think about …

  Porripipoop.

  The Horns Of Elfland.

  OK so way to write a whole book about farting. Very nice. And they don’t even sound like farts. Farts sound more like pwwpwwpww or Pfscssgff or pwhpwhpwhpwh (like a helicopter). Ha ha ha. Plus I’m like “grow up”. If I’m too old for fart jokes why isn’t my Dad? It’s because of his sense of humor which is very different from my sense of humor. Anyway it was 1 of the hi-lights of the trip.

  The other 1 was later when we rented a car to drive outside of London to see a castle 1 where no one lived now. This castle was of course researched and put on the itinerary which my Dads secretary typed up before we left home. Beth was being an extra-pain in the ass lately and she didn’t want to go basically if you took her anywhere other than the Beth Reskin Institute Of Make-Up And Sucking Up To More Popular Girls she was unhappy. I just think she’s a very very typical teenager who has to rebel against everything. She’s also so horny she’s like British guys this and British guys that and they’re so cute and “Oooh those accents” and sometimes she’s not even talking to anybody when she says it or at least nobody’s listening. Anyway my Dad said she had to go and couldn’t stay alone in London shopping so she was pissed all day my Mom though didn’t mind going even though normally castles aren’t her thing because they had big gardens there.